General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I guess I'm here to have a bit of a vent and also to find out what others would do in my situation or have done in the past to try and resolve the particular issue.
There are lots of issues I am dealing with atm but mainly in regards to my partner the issue is this..
1 yr ago my partner did something that was abusive to me and at the time and still now, I consider a deal breaker and something that I wouldnt tolerate. At the time I left him for three weeks and then returned with the false hope that he would admit what he had done and apologize. He did apologize and promise to change etc. He has not done this "deal breaker" act since however his behaviour overall has not changed at all. He has not admitted to what he had done and refuses to name it for what it is or take responsibility, all though he is sorry, it is still my fault.
I may be stupid to think this but I honestly believe if he had tried to admit what he had done, sought counselling for it, made an effort to change or at the very least stopped blaming it on me than I would feel differently. I may be wrong and maybe even if he had sought counselling or admitted the truth I would still be bitter and angry over the whole thing..
Is it fair to leave the relationship over an issue that occured over a year ago? Is it fair or just plain stupid to hold onto all that anger and resentment? I feel I have every right to be angry and that I am justified in feeling the way that I do but he seems to think it's "nothing" and not his fault, just like everything else that goes wrong is also my fault..
I am so filled with anger and resentment and mostly pain. How could someone that "loves" me cause that pain? and willingly and deliberately do so? I dont feel he is trust worthy and at times i feel scared of him.. That is no way to be in a relationship and it is f'd up because I am now 4 months pregnant to him..
did something that was abusive to me and at the time and still now, I consider a deal breaker
I am ASSUMING that since you won't name it (even anonymously here on a board filled with people who don't know you,) that he raped you. Maybe I'm way off-base here, but the actual act is less important at this point than your response and his response to it.
This act (whatever it was) has been eating away at you for a year. It will still be eating away at you in 2yrs, 5yrs, 10yrs.
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Is it fair to leave the relationship over an issue that occured over a year ago?
YES, it is fair TO YOU.
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At the time I left him for three weeks and then returned with the false hope that he would admit what he had done and apologize. He did apologize and promise to change etc. He has not done this "deal breaker" act since however his behaviour overall has not changed at all. He has not admitted to what he had done and refuses to name it for what it is or take responsibility, all though he is sorry, it is still my fault.
He is not TRULY sorry if he refuses to ADMIT what he has done and blames YOU for it. He is trying to sweep the entire incident under the rug.
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I feel I have every right to be angry and that I am justified in feeling the way that I do but he seems to think it's "nothing" and not his fault, just like everything else that goes wrong is also my fault..
You DO have every right to be justifiably angry, then, now, and in the future. His refusal to name it and take responsibility for it means he KNOWS what he did was wrong, but he refuses to accept it. This denial is immature on his part.
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I dont feel he is trust worthy and at times i feel scared of him
A deal-breaker, is a deal-breaker, is a deal-breaker. There is NO TIME-LIMIT on how long your tolerance is/should be for an act that you find unacceptable. The fact that you're pregnant means you NOW have to worry about future violent acts against you AND a defenseless infant.
Get out now. See a counselor with regard to his act a year ago so it does not continue to fester inside you and poison/taint future relationships and how you view yourself. You and your baby deserve someone better than a person who can't/won't admit his mistakes, learn from them, and work tirelessly to fix them AND your relationship.
Lesson to be learned?
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I left him for three weeks and then returned with the false hope that he would admit what he had done and apologize
You should not have returned UNTIL/UNLESS he admitted it, apologized, sought help, showed improvement. That being said, you cannot undo the past. Bring closure to yourself through IC, and vow NEVER to accept 'deal-breaker' behavior again.
Sending you a hug (*hug*) and know that LOTS OF PEOPLE are wishing you and your baby a better future. LET US KNOW HOW YOU'RE DOING.
Deep in your heart your love and respect for him have dwindled since this horrible thing was done to you. Any feelings of love and respect you had for him have been replaced with distrust, resentment, fear, and anger. These negative emotions will only fester and get worse if you wait around for him to decide whether or not to change. You cannot change him. You can only change yourself.
Being pregnant is bad timing, I know, but think of the child. Do you want your child around a man YOU yourself do not trust and are afraid of? Not everyone deserves absolution, however, everyone deserves to be respected and loved. Concentrate on getting away from this man and finding a new life for you and your child.
I know this is hard and very scary, but it will make you stronger in the long run. I just wish we could make it easier for you. I hope you have a strong support system (family, friends). My prayers are with you and your little one.
It actually would be helpful if you could tell us here what it is he did that he can't seem to admit to but yet apologized for.
This behavior you say he continues on with that hasn't changed, what kind of behavior is that? The behavior that that he didn't admit anything I'm kinda lost on that.
If this is a deal breaker for you, I'm not sure what you're still there? I know you stated you left for a few weeks then returned. However, here it is a year later and you're still with him.
It might be helpful for you to seek some counseling as well, especially if this is something that was abusive, if you haven't already done so.
IMO if it was a deal breaker for you then and it still is now, then you wouldn't be there with him anymore, leave and then seek counseling for yourself. As far as being pregnant that doesn't mean anything, and is not a reason to stay. He can still be a part of the child's life if you want him to be, doesn't mean you have to be in his life as well.
Also, I'm not sure what he did to you, but if it was any kind of abuse, then yeah you need to leave and think about whether or not he should even be a part of your childs life.
Is it fair to leave the relationship over an issue that occured over a year ago? Is it fair or just plain stupid to hold onto all that anger and resentment? I feel I have every right to be angry and that I am justified in feeling the way that I do but he seems to think it's "nothing" and not his fault, just like everything else that goes wrong is also my fault..
I am so filled with anger and resentment and mostly pain. How could someone that "loves" me cause that pain? and willingly and deliberately do so?
My wife is abusive. It is a family tradition that was handed down to her, a combination of multigenerational alcoholism and mental illness. She never admits to anything and she never apologizes.
You have to decide for yourself whether or not you will forgive someone for whatever they have done. Holding on to anger and resentment is like drinking poison and thinking the other person will die.
i was in the same situation... wife called it abuse, i called it trying to stop her from attacking me. i spoke to two therapists and a marriage counselor and they all said i was right. but she still resents me for it.
you need to let us know more.
but bottom line is that if after all this time you can't let it go (regardless of whether you are justified or not) the resentment will only hurt the relationship and you should walk.
Would help little bit more if you could throw some light on what he did... In case you are taking it too seriously you would get perspective from other people that it is not such a big deal, and that might help you forgive and forget. On the other hand it could be that he did something so bad that people would advice you to leave this man right away and that would clear up your mind.
However, from your post it looks like you have lost trust for this person and are full of anger. So irrespective of what actually happened, if you are not able to let it go.. it would probably be better to give up on this and start afresh.
Holding on to anger and resentment is like drinking poison and thinking the other person will die.
I love that quote, I told that to my therapist. I felt a lot of anger and resentment towards my wife for her behavior, which was if not abusive, at least borderline. What's worse was that at times I also believed that she was right in abusing me, that I was the problem.,
What I've tried is to direct that energy towards myself and improving myself. Not for anyone else's sake, but for mine. She's doing the same. At least in the short term of half a year or so, it seems to help. Paradoxically, by concentrating on ourselves, we have concentrated on each other. It doesn't feel like it every day though, but there are definitely more good days than there were say a year ago.
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angry and resentful.. 
