Okay let me explain, not only has he called me a dumb ass before and once he popped out a long time ago and said i was stupid. but like sometimes when we are around his parents or some other people and i talk just like everyone else is talking later when we leave he will say why did u say this that was stupid to say. let me give an example of what im talking about: he has a 2 year old daughter which is my step daughter. well we had company coming over tomorrow and i need to clean the house good in the morning and so we let her spend the night with his mom tonight so we could clean the house good. well we went by there to take some of her stuff by there and drop her off. and i had said something about us cleaning house in the morning and he went off on me when we got back in the car and said see thats why nobody thinks your a responsible step mom because you say stuff like that like we cant clean with her being there with us. but anyway thats a small example of what i deal with on a daily basis. i cant ever say anything in front of his family or anyone because i always get scolded for what i say because it makes me or him or both look stupid or that i shouldnt have said it just because. im not sure what to think of this but he sure does make me feel stupid. and when i tell him that he says no you make yourself feel stupid.
well see he even said that today. when i said something about not talking at all anymore and i dont know what im supposed to say in front of them cause obviously i cannot say anything. he replied with well i guess i will tell u exactly what to say and when to say it from now on.
yes he is 10 years older and thats something else that bothers me about it because he is always saying how im not mature and how i dont know the things that he knows but its just my age. im 24 and he is 34. he always just blames it on my age. i know im younger but im not at all or by any means stupid.
he will say why did u say this that was stupid to say...well i guess i will tell u exactly what to say and when to say it from now on.
hmmm, let's all GUESS why he's no longer with his daughter's mother (ex-wife?)
I think you should quickly become Ex-Wife #2, cuz it's never going to get any better. In his eyes, you will always be too young, too immature, too inexperienced, too stupid, too embarrassing, too unworthy to be with him. He believes HE's doing YOU A FAVOR by being with you.
Won't be long before his daughter is also too stupid, etc. After that, any children YOU have with him will be the next ones on his 'abuse' train. Save yourself and your future children a LOT of grief and leave his controlling, conceited, self-satisfied azz. (He's actually very insecure, but 'fixing' him is NOT your responsibility. Saving your self-esteem and dignity is.)
he sure does make me feel stupid. and when i tell him that he says no you make yourself feel stupid.
And his telling you this makes him ??? A FLAMING AZZHAT! You are 10 years younger than him. Were you looking for a father figure? Was he sweeping you off your feet when you were dating?
'Cause if he was treating you this way during the dating period, you should have left then.
As it is ... you do not have children with this man. Please, DO NOT procreate with this monster. He is abusive and cruel.
I hope you understand that this is not the way a man treats the woman he loves. You've got a sick person on your hands. Okay, maybe your aren't Einstein, but if he thinks you are so dumb, then why the heck did he marry you?
BECAUSE ... he has someone in his hip pocket he can dominate and put down so he will feel better about himself.
I hope it is dawning on you that you are married to a major loser.
Run. Far, far away.... it's not going to get better.
This. Calling people names is not constructive criticism. The guy is a nut (yes I realize that's not constructive criticism).
The way people act is heavily influenced by empathy. This is generally a learned behaviour that your parents teach you. You hit your sister, your parents hit you. See how much it hurts to get slapped? That's how your sister feels. Now don't do that again. Some people have horrendously bad parents and they never really learn how empathy works. If there was never a parent there to kick some butt, then this concept of trying to see things from your perspective might be completely foreign.
Rule of the thumb is that the first 7 years of your life are the most important. If someone has bad parents for those first years, then they're pretty much a write off. People can still learn empathy after those 7 years, but it takes a lot more work. Think of your brain as being molten iron that slowly cools as you get older. The longer you wait to shape it, the harder it is to shape. After 20 years, the thing is already cooled to room temperature and trying to change the shape of it takes a lot of effort.
Well, I know you are not going to leave him, so I guess I won't suggest that this time. What I will suggest and strongly urge you to do is stop being his child. If you stop acting like his child, he will stop treating you like his child.
At 24 years old, you are coming into your own - your own self that is. Think about what I'm saying and remember all the times you have acquiesced to him, did what he said, looked for his approval, tried to please him, defended yourself against his criticizms, and so on. If you are going to remain married to this guy, you have grow up right now and understand that 1) you did not marry your father, 2) you are not a child, and 3) you are not his child.
Since you didn't get the home training that girls need (and believe me that most girls don't), you will have to train yourself. You will have to learn what self esteem means, what self worth means, and the value of those invaluable virtues. Mothers don't teach their daughters to set standards and boundaries in their life because most mothers go through the same thing that you are going through, so they never learn these virtues themselves. Therefore, there is no way they can teach their daughters. Since you are here complaining about the way he treats you, then you obviously don't like it (and you shouldn't), and you're looking for some helpful advice as to what to do about it. The things is, you have to know there is no magic potion and no magic words to make him stop. You will have to grow up right now and put a stop to this yourself.
I'm not trying to make you fell stupid like he does. I'm trying to say I know that at your age, you haven't yet developed the nerve or the gumption or the initiative to stand up to him or to understand what I mean by setting standards and boundaries. I know this because I have been 24 years old. I know that I had to learn these things and most women do. The reason is that we haven't turned into ourselves just yet at 24, so please believe I am not trying to put you down at all. I just know where you are at 24 years old and by the way you defend yourself to your husband in the story you told us.
So here it is. Are you ready?
Wherever you are sitting, just sit up.
Straighten your back up and and take two deep breaths.
Think about how he treats you.
Now, get angry.
Think about all the times he made you feel miserable.
Now, get angry.
Think about all the times you defended yourself to him.
Now, get angry.
Think about no matter what you said in your own defense, he had a ready and equally belittling retort.
Now, get angry.
Think about the times he made you cry when he put you down.
Now, get angry.
Think about how often you tried so hard to understand the crap he said to you.
Now, get angry.
Think about how often there was no way you could win an argument or be right about anything you stated.
Now, get angry.
Think about how afraid you are to stand up to him for fear that he won't love you anymore.
Now get RAGING MAD!!! Get MAD because he had no business treating you that way. Get MAD because you had no business allowing him to treat you that way. Get MAD because he treats you like a child. Get MAD for acting like a child being scolded by her father.
The next time he says anything out of the way to you, get MAD AS HELL and tell him to SHUT THE FU*K UP!!! Tell him if he EVER says that to you again, you are walking out the door and never looking back.
See how easy that was? LOL
The thing is, you have to teach people how to treat you. You may have heard that before but never really knew what it meant. It means demanding respect, and the only way to demand respect is not to tolerate disrespect.
Setting standards in your life is to determine what you will and will not tolerate - and what you will and will not do - and what you will and will not be willing to sacrifice for the sake of love.
Having self esteem means to think enough of yourself to know you deserve to be treated well and don't deserve to be treated badly. It means to love yourself more than you love him.
Having self worth is to be determined not to tolerate anyone treating you badly. And you absolutely have to be determined. You have to be willing to make the very hard decisions and make yourself do whatever it takes to put a stop to this....even if that means you have to walk out the door.
I know it won't be easy, but you have to do it. There is no one to do it but you. We here on the forum certainly cannot make him stop. It is up to you and you alone. And this is the only thing for you to do. This is what I mean by it's time to grow up. You can't keep being married to your father. The only way to stop being his child is to grow up and get some gumption. Put your bootie on your shoulders and let him know he is not all THAT!
My ex was kinda the same way. Although his was much more subtle. He would make jokes about me to his family, and I had to laugh right along with them to seem like the "cool wife." I am FAR from stupid, and he knew those "jokes" hurt my feelings (I told him so) but it was just something he never seemed to stop doing.