nomoretogive

Let me just say that my mother-in-law and I used to have a great relationship....until she started blatantly being disrespectful after MY H and I went through a rough period, and she began violating my boundaries terribly. Now, I admit, I have an issue with him violating boundaries all the time and some of my attitude about that transferred to her once she was doing the same thing.

They moved away seven years ago to another state and come to visit two or three times a year. As a general rule, the expectation has always been that we be available to them whenever they are here. That usually means that they will call and say, "We're turning onto your street. Get ready." Or she will say, "I need the boys Tuesday at 4:00." Or my favorite, "We can't stay with (the sister), so we need to stay at your house...and we're only comfortable in the master suite." Yes, I've given up my bed repeatedly for this woman, even though I had a guest room. I just got sick of it.

Right before their last visit a year ago, I called her and said that I loved that she was able to spend time with the boys while they were here, but that we could no longer accommodate her last-minute plans and simply showing up unannounced because it means too much schedule juggling for me to make it happen. I explicitly told her I was not available on Thursday because I was having dental surgery. She told me that they would like to take the boys to the track, if they could make it happen, but didn't know when or if it could happen.

The visit comes around. Day two she shows up unannounced. Day three she takes the kids for the scheduled plans. Day four we don't hear from her, at all. Thursday comes and she calls just as I'm leaving the dentist's office and tells me she is on her way. I get ticked at that point, because I told her ahead of time Thursday was out and I told her it wasn't happening. Then she called my H and told him that she had planned on taking the kids the day before but I refused to take her calls. I didn't have a call from her on my phone, and a check of my call logs online revealed no call from her. Needless to say, she hasn't been my favorite person since then, because she made it obvious that she was not going to respect any boundaries I had put in place and started a shet storm before she left by lying about calling.

Just found out tonight, via text message from my sister-in-law, that they are in town and "expect" to be allowed to visit when their schedule permits. First, I didn't even know they were coming to town -- never got a call, e-mail, text before now..when they're already here. My week is booked solid this week with the kids and work and I am NOT going to reschedule what we have going on to accommodate her again. I think it's rude to just show up in town and start barking orders about scheduling, especially on the heels of last time.

H and I fought all night long because he thinks I should just forget what happened last time and "play nice." I say I've been nice and tried to work with her; she just refuses to do anything other than what she wants to do.

I should also mention that in the year since they were here last she has not called or emailed my kids once, did send them a card and crappy gift at Xmas -- not even remotely age appropriate -- and that's it. No other contact from her in a year.

Am I being unreasonable to expect at least a little courtesy and for being totally ticked that they don't call or write for a year and now we're supposed to accommodate them, or should I play nice -- aka rug sweep -- for the greater good? Both of my kids have said they do not want to see her, but H is pushing the issue. It has been WWXXXXXXXX here all night long.

occasionallybaffled

Been up all day, so this won't be long. You have been more than generous (I would never give up my bedroom if there was a guest room) with prior accommodations but this is ridiculous (in law behavior). Your post made me upset for you. It isn't healthy for your marriage or for your work. It's amazing how a simple thing like common courtesy... is lost on some people. You and H need to get on the same page and then sit down with the in laws. They may be his parents, but he is not a child that needs to obey their wishes; he needs to: side with you as your husband, grow a pair and put his foot down. The issue isn't with them visiting... it's with their lack of respect for showing up unannounced and expecting you to cater to their whims.

SlowlyGettingWiser

Nope, you don't sound unreasonable at all, reasonable people WOULD be ticked off.

Well, THAT depends on what you want to accomplish! You have two choices:

* Go along as always; hubby will be happy, MIL will be happy, YOU (and the kids) will be miserable and seethe for a year until it starts all over

* Tell your husband to 'man up!' These are HIS parents and HIS nuclear family. Tell him HE is in charge of visits by his parents as you will be responsible when YOUR family visits. Hand him the calendar of events for your week, tell him YOU are UNABLE to reschedule your work events, HE can talk to the kids about whether they can reschedule their events. And wash your hands of it. Why should YOU be the scapegoat for your in-laws, why should YOU be the 'bad guy' to the kids? HE can take control of the situation from now on, or HE can live with the fall-out of everybody's unhappiness over last-minute schedule changes.

Ten_year_hubby

Your husband has a priority problem. You are his wife. He is married to you. These other people are outsiders albeit outsiders with some history. His job is to support you 100 percent. Everyone else needs to find their own way.

Maybe I am too harsh. Do they give you substantial sums of money or provide essential material support for you and your kids?

Tall Average Guy

A like was not enough. Put this squarely on your husband. I suspect he wants you to play nice because while he feels the grief from his mother, he does not feel the pain that his mother causes. Let him feel that, and if he still wants to accomodate her, then it is with full knowledge.

You stay out of it. The minute your MIL complains to you, tell her your husband is handling it all. That is your only answer to those complaints.

Hope1964

Your husband and MIL are the ones being unreasonable, NOT you. Stand your ground and demand that your husband tell his parents what is what. That is ridiculous.

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