General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I have been to a doctor and she suggested testosterone and gave me the name of another doctor to see about it. I never made an appointment. My doctor also said that he could get his needs met by masturbation and I told him that.
Why does his not asking for sex bother me? Probably because I do feel it will lead to another affair. But why can't he just accept that I'm not into sex? Shouldn't that be his compromise?
There is no compromise. Maybe he has accepted you never wanting sex with him, and his solution is to go outside the marriage for it. I think it's ridiculous that you expect him to live like a monk and deny both himself AND YOU the pleasure of sex and orgasms for eternity.
Why stay married to him if this is your view? He wants a wife that wants him physically. There's nothing wrong with that. You want him to accept you without accepting him at the same time. You can't have it all your way and maintain a healthy marriage. It doesn't work that way.
When I asked him about his lack of interest in sex, he told me that expecting sexual intimacy in our marriage and not getting it is much more frustrating than resigning himself to the fact that he's in a sexless marriage. At the same time, I've noticed that the conversation and closeness is starting to wane.
Am I setting myself up for him having another affair?
No, you're setting him up for another affair.
What I don't understand is if you're "not into sex", then what do you care if/where he has sex? He took a vow of marriage, not a vow of celibacy.
I'm not surprised that the conversation and closeness is going away. I pulled away exactly the same way once I realized just how "not into sex" my STBXH is. Why should I pour my heart out to someone that isn't ever going to love me the way I need to be loved? I quit the cuddling--it wasn't ever going to go anywhere and being close only reminded me what wasn't happening between us. Once that was gone, the rest didn't seem as important to me either. I have my girl friends to confide and hang out with, why do I need a "lover" that doesn't love?
It took a couple of years to come to the decision, but eventually I found I just couldn't live like that. My new place is ready for move-in three weeks from now....and I CAN'T WAIT!!
I have been to a doctor and she suggested testosterone and gave me the name of another doctor to see about it. I never made an appointment. My doctor also said that he could get his needs met by masturbation and I told him that.
Why does his not asking for sex bother me? Probably because I do feel it will lead to another affair. But why can't he just accept that I'm not into sex? Shouldn't that be his compromise?
That is not a compromise. Compromise typically involves both parties giving up something. In this case, you give up nothing, while he gives up everything. So it is clearly not a compromise.
You did not answer the other question, so I will ask it again: why are you upset with the idea of him having sex with someone else? One way to view your actions is that you are insisting that your husband never have sex again. Not saying you thought of it that way, just noticing that is the result. Why do you want that? Is that fair to him?
He told me that he needed sex in the marriage to make it work. To be honest, I'm just not interested, never have been and probably never will. We've talked about it but I just feel he shouldn't expect me to change.
Did you even "hear" yourself as you wrote this? Why should he not expect you to change? Having a sexless marriage is no marriage. To answer your question, "Yes" you are setting yourself up for another affair by your husband.
My doctor also said that he could get his needs met by masturbation and I told him that.
He might be able to get his immediate sexual gratification met but certainly not his intimacy needs. If this is truly all your doctor told you, then you have an idiot for a doctor. I suspect, however, that your doctor does not know the full depth of the situation and was speaking in terms of a very short term fix.
Mrs WR
I give you credit for posting and asking...
some of us can even relate to what you are saying, perhaps.
I would like to make a comment that maye it's not about you changing... but maybe it's about you being open to experiencing life.
There is a reason why you are not interested. Have you ever explored the reason? I ask... because it's a natural desire for the human body, and it's an expression of intimacy that cannot be replaced by anything else. At the age of 50, a woman's body changes. It can be common to lose interest in sex.
There could be many reasons, only you would know the real answers.
Do you have no interest in sex at all, or just no interest with your husband? I think that is a very important difference.
And I wanted to comment that I replied to your post as I felt sorry for you. There is a huge world of possibilities, love, intimacy, closeness, feelings, and happiness that you have shut out. Life as a tiny glimpse of what it is really meant to be.
There is nothing else that makes a distinction between friends and love as sexual intimacy does. Without the real intimacy, the relationship is no more deep as a puddle in the mud when compared to the roaring sound of the ocean.
Both will wet your toes if you stick them in, but only one will touch your soul.
I have been to a doctor and she suggested testosterone and gave me the name of another doctor to see about it. I never made an appointment. My doctor also said that he could get his needs met by masturbation and I told him that.
Why does his not asking for sex bother me? Probably because I do feel it will lead to another affair. But why can't he just accept that I'm not into sex? Shouldn't that be his compromise?
Is that a serious post?
Why does your husband need to compromise away his need for sex? A marriage is a sexual union. Whatever doctor told you to tell your husband to masturbate should have his license taken away.
If you value your marriage, and the life it affords you, the bottom line is you should value your husband's emotional needs and meet them. If you don't your life and marriage will be a trainwreck (which you can see has already occured).
Your choice: Have a marriage including sexual fulfillment with your husband or have no marriage. It's really that simple.
Sadly it's an all too true story, wife cuts the sex and expects husband to live with it.
Cutting the sex off in a marriage is just the same as infidelity, you have been deceiving your husband, he thought he was entering into an intimate relationship with a woman he loved, and you went along with him, somewhere along the line you decided to change the rules on him, you most likely did not tell him that you changes the rules, you just did it, without thinking about your husband and his needs.
I have been to a doctor and she suggested testosterone and gave me the name of another doctor to see about it. I never made an appointment. My doctor also said that he could get his needs met by masturbation and I told him that.
Why does his not asking for sex bother me? Probably because I do feel it will lead to another affair. But why can't he just accept that I'm not into sex? Shouldn't that be his compromise?
How is this a compromise. He wants sex but you don't so thats it? A compromise is he wants it once a day, you want it once a month so you two COMPROMISE and have it once a week. Heck, you won't even see the doctor that was recommended to you. Your not even trying.
I have been to a doctor and she suggested testosterone and gave me the name of another doctor to see about it. I never made an appointment. My doctor also said that he could get his needs met by masturbation and I told him that.
Why does his not asking for sex bother me? Probably because I do feel it will lead to another affair. But why can't he just accept that I'm not into sex? Shouldn't that be his compromise?
Would you prefer that he just start dating and bring his love interest home so you would know where he was while he was addressing his "disease"?
In this way, you can satisfy YOUR love interest which is ever so obviously YOU.
Welcome to TAM mrswestrox... the testosterone may well help...goodluck with that.
I have one questions... what is it you expect or want your H to do?
From what I'm understanding you don't want to sex with him but you don't want him to have sex with another woman either and that he should just masturbate for the rest of his life...how sad and lonely for him.
So you want him to live the rest of his life without real skin to skin sex? That's NOT a compromise that a sacrifice....what are you going to sacrifice?
He has made changes and effort to try to improve your relationship but you don't see why you should do the same?
I don't understand you or am i reading this wrong or missing something. To be honest your view seems incredibly selfhish and unloving. I'd be utterly heartbroken if my H felt that way about me and our sexlife
What are you expecting/wanting your H to do? Next week, next year...
Most men have sex with their wives as an expression of deep love for them. It is a common misunderstanding--many women think it's a selfish fulfillment of a need. Until you can wrap your head around this, you cannot begin to understand how painfully you've rejected him.
Whether or not he's having an affair has nothing to do with it at this point. You've essentially told him, stop showing me love in the most profound and intimate way you know how.
I'm a woman by the way, and my libido was quite low at one time.
An affair is the LEAST of your problems, I'm afraid, and I say that with deep caring about your situation.
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Re: Husband's sudden disinterest in sex 
