Husband's sudden disinterest in sex
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Old 04-24-2012, 08:38 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Husband's sudden disinterest in sex

First time post. Maybe this belongs in the Sex section but I thought I'd start here.

Married a long time, both husband and I are in our late 50's. he has always had a high libido, mine has always been lower. We have struggled with this through our marriage.

We drifted apart due to a lot of reasons. He had an affair about 5 years ago. We've done marriage counseling and he has done individual therapy. I told him what I needed in the marriage (closeness, conversations, touching without expectations of sex) to make it work and he has made a serious effort to fill those needs.

He told me that he needed sex in the marriage to make it work. To be honest, I'm just not interested, never have been and probably never will. We've talked about it but I just feel he shouldn't expect me to change.

About six months ago, he stopped asking for sex. Since he had the affair, he has been open about everything and I'm 99.9% sure he's not having sex with someone else (I think the other ladies out there know once it has happened your guard is up and mine has been).

When I asked him about his lack of interest in sex, he told me that expecting sexual intimacy in our marriage and not getting it is much more frustrating than resigning himself to the fact that he's in a sexless marriage. At the same time, I've noticed that the conversation and closeness is starting to wane.

Am I setting myself up for him having another affair?
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Old 04-24-2012, 08:55 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband's sudden disinterest in sex

You told him what you needed/wanted from the marriage and you stated that he is putting forth the effort to make that happen.

He told you what he needed/wanted from the marriage but yet you are not trying to meet him half way. I understand you say you have the lower sex drive and always have. BUT compromise in a marriage is a must.

Have you talked with a counselor about why you might be the lower sex drive? Have you talked to a counselor about the affair he had before? Have you talked to your medical doctor about trying some supplements or something that might could help boost your sex drive some?

OR, do you feel you have pretty much just checked out of the marriage emotionally/physically? Your husband has told you what he needed/wanted, its up to you if you ignore that or not. If you truly feel you can't bring yourself to have sex with him or at least try, then maybe you all need to go your separate ways.
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Old 04-24-2012, 08:59 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband's sudden disinterest in sex

As a guy, I'd say that yes, you're being overly optimistic that things will not repeat. I would even say that you're overly optimistic that things HAVEN'T happened already, but. I don't know why you're so confident.

C
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Old 04-24-2012, 09:05 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband's sudden disinterest in sex

So you expect him to change but you refuse to do the same?

He probably stopped asking out of frustration. People will only give so much, and when there is no return on thier efforts, they realize there is no point in giving anymore.
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Old 04-24-2012, 09:06 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband's sudden disinterest in sex

My question to you is, what do you want from the marriage?

If you do not want sex with your husband, are you alright with the fact that he could have another affair? If you're not ok with it, here is my suggestion, either try to meet him half way with some things. Show him you are putting forth some effort, or divorce him.

Its not fair to him nor you to live this way.
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Old 04-24-2012, 09:18 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband's sudden disinterest in sex

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Originally Posted by MrsWestRox View Post
He told me that he needed sex in the marriage to make it work. To be honest, I'm just not interested, never have been and probably never will. We've talked about it but I just feel he shouldn't expect me to change.

About six months ago, he stopped asking for sex. Since he had the affair, he has been open about everything and I'm 99.9% sure he's not having sex with someone else (I think the other ladies out there know once it has happened your guard is up and mine has been).

When I asked him about his lack of interest in sex, he told me that expecting sexual intimacy in our marriage and not getting it is much more frustrating than resigning himself to the fact that he's in a sexless marriage. At the same time, I've noticed that the conversation and closeness is starting to wane.

Am I setting myself up for him having another affair?
Serious questions. What about him having sex with someone else bothers you? What about him not asking for sex any more bothers you?
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Old 04-24-2012, 10:14 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband's sudden disinterest in sex

I'm with TAG.

Why is it bothering you that he's stopped asking?

I think it's reasonable to expect he'd go get his needs met elsewhere. You told him flat out you weren't going to. What is he to do with that?
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Old 04-24-2012, 10:51 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband's sudden disinterest in sex

From my experience (as a man), when a wife/partner continuously refuses to be sexually intimate with her man, the message received by the man is LOUD AND CLEAR, "She does not love me or want me or accept me". I would suggest that is where you are really at, you really don't love him, want him, or accept him.

If that is the case, then you should not be surprised if he decides to do something about it (I wish to stress here that I am not condoning infidelity, but you need to face up to the reality that very often there are significant reasons for a man to stray).

A normal healthy man can not live without a sexual outlet, it is an inescapable biological/physiological need for a healthy man to ejaculate at least once or twice a week. This is not just something he would like, it is a need. Sex drive for men is firstly a bilological need, and then in second place an emotional need. If a man is deprived of a healthy sexual release such as an intimate relationship with his wife/partner, then he will need to find an alternative...not might...he WILL...GUARANTEED!

I would suggest that he has almost certainly found some other outlet, perhaps just pornography and masturbation, perhaps seeing prostitutes, or having casual sex with strangers, or he is having an affair. If he isn't having an affair, I would just about guarantee that he is thinking about it.

It is pointless suggesting that you have sex with him against your desire or will, this is not going to help. If you love him, then I would suggest that you need to consider ways to meet his needs, but only if you love him and you want to give to him as an act of love. If you don't love him, and you aren't willing to meet his needs, then why continue the relationship?

It is unfair and unreasonable to expect him to live out the rest of his life with you in a celibate life. When a man gets married he promises to live a monogomous life, not a celibate life. If you love him, work to find a solution to meet his sexual needs in an acceptable way for both of you. Perhaps you need some professional help with your lack of libido, and if that is the case then get some help. If you don't love him enough to make an effort to meet his needs, then be upfront with him and end it.

If you don't make a determined decision to solve this issue, he will, but it probably won't be the solution that you would like.
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Old 04-24-2012, 11:23 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband's sudden disinterest in sex

A sexless or passionless marriage is no justification for an affair. Anyone who tells you otherwise is either weak or selfish.

That said, maybe your husband has come to the realization that if you don't want sex with him, he doesn't want it with you. It's no fun having sex with someone who does not also want it. Might as well be masturbating.
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Old 04-24-2012, 11:27 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband's sudden disinterest in sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by MrsWestRox View Post
First time post. Maybe this belongs in the Sex section but I thought I'd start here.

Married a long time, both husband and I are in our late 50's. he has always had a high libido, mine has always been lower. We have struggled with this through our marriage.

We drifted apart due to a lot of reasons. He had an affair about 5 years ago. We've done marriage counseling and he has done individual therapy. I told him what I needed in the marriage (closeness, conversations, touching without expectations of sex) to make it work and he has made a serious effort to fill those needs.

He told me that he needed sex in the marriage to make it work. To be honest, I'm just not interested, never have been and probably never will. We've talked about it but I just feel he shouldn't expect me to change.

About six months ago, he stopped asking for sex. Since he had the affair, he has been open about everything and I'm 99.9% sure he's not having sex with someone else (I think the other ladies out there know once it has happened your guard is up and mine has been).

When I asked him about his lack of interest in sex, he told me that expecting sexual intimacy in our marriage and not getting it is much more frustrating than resigning himself to the fact that he's in a sexless marriage. At the same time, I've noticed that the conversation and closeness is starting to wane.

Am I setting myself up for him having another affair?
The ball is in your court. Perhaps it's time that you feign interest in sex and try for once, to initiate it with him
We reap that which we sow.
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Old 04-24-2012, 12:14 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MrsWestRox View Post
First time post. Maybe this belongs in the Sex section but I thought I'd start here.

Married a long time, both husband and I are in our late 50's. he has always had a high libido, mine has always been lower. We have struggled with this through our marriage.

We drifted apart due to a lot of reasons. He had an affair about 5 years ago. We've done marriage counseling and he has done individual therapy. I told him what I needed in the marriage (closeness, conversations, touching without expectations of sex) to make it work and he has made a serious effort to fill those needs.

He told me that he needed sex in the marriage to make it work. To be honest, I'm just not interested, never have been and probably never will. We've talked about it but I just feel he shouldn't expect me to change.

About six months ago, he stopped asking for sex. Since he had the affair, he has been open about everything and I'm 99.9% sure he's not having sex with someone else (I think the other ladies out there know once it has happened your guard is up and mine has been).

When I asked him about his lack of interest in sex, he told me that expecting sexual intimacy in our marriage and not getting it is much more frustrating than resigning himself to the fact that he's in a sexless marriage. At the same time, I've noticed that the conversation and closeness is starting to wane.

Am I setting myself up for him having another affair?
You demonstrated to your husband that your needs are important and his needs are not. That can lead to resentment that will weaken or kill your marriage.
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Old 04-24-2012, 12:29 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband's sudden disinterest in sex

You have no marriage.
You refuse to meet his needs.
Trying to meet a wife's needs, while not getting yours met is a very frustrating way to live. He is certain to find happiness somehow, without you.... through Divorce, adultery or prositutes.
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Old 04-24-2012, 02:36 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband's sudden disinterest in sex

Thanks for all your responses.

I have been to a doctor and she suggested testosterone and gave me the name of another doctor to see about it. I never made an appointment. My doctor also said that he could get his needs met by masturbation and I told him that.

Why does his not asking for sex bother me? Probably because I do feel it will lead to another affair. But why can't he just accept that I'm not into sex? Shouldn't that be his compromise?
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Old 04-24-2012, 02:42 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband's sudden disinterest in sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by MrsWestRox View Post
Thanks for all your responses.

I have been to a doctor and she suggested testosterone and gave me the name of another doctor to see about it. I never made an appointment. My doctor also said that he could get his needs met by masturbation and I told him that.

Why does his not asking for sex bother me? Probably because I do feel it will lead to another affair. But why can't he just accept that I'm not into sex? Shouldn't that be his compromise?


Did you read any of the responses that were written to your post?
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Old 04-24-2012, 02:45 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband's sudden disinterest in sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by MrsWestRox View Post
Thanks for all your responses.

I have been to a doctor and she suggested testosterone and gave me the name of another doctor to see about it. I never made an appointment. My doctor also said that he could get his needs met by masturbation and I told him that.

Why does his not asking for sex bother me? Probably because I do feel it will lead to another affair. But why can't he just accept that I'm not into sex? Shouldn't that be his compromise?
Masturbation is not the same as sex. Heck, SEX isn't even the same as intimacy! Sex is how men connect and stay connected emotionally with their partners. There's plenty of reading in these forums, and books that have been recommended to learn what sex means to a man.

If someone isn't getting their intimacy needs met by their partner, they have two options. Do without, end the marriage, or cheat. The doing without will cause frustrations and resentment to build over time, often leading to one of the other two options. Then you have the "rock and the hard place"... Cheat or leave. There might be financial reasons to not leave the marriage, or kids, or whatever. But if someone's "reasonable" intimacy needs aren't being met, the marriage "contract" is already broken.

I'm speaking as someone who cheated on their spouse. I'm not blaming my wife for what I did; it was entirely my decision to find someone outside our marriage for sex. And I truly wish I would have just ended the marriage before going down that path, in particular because I ended the marriage shortly after my affair.

I don't see how him doing without sex is a compromise. Compromise would imply meeting somewhere in the middle. Where's your give on this situation?

C
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