General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
You need to have her followed. Since you have no problem letting her tramp around at meat markets 3-4 times a month, you obviously have no idea how she acts when she's out. I can guarantee you it will be an education.
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Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
"Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up."
"It’s not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us."
First off, it's not 3 or 4 times a week. It's 3 out of every 4 weekends, which is bad enough. If it was 3 or 4 nights a week, she would have been gone long ago. I've been out with her and her friend a few times and it's innocent enough. She enjoys dancing. My wife does the driving and she has to go pick up her friend which is a 40 minute drive from our house, then go downtown to the clubs (another 20 minute drive) then take her friend back home before she heads home. If the clubs close at 2:30, she should be home at 3:30 or 4am. She says she gets home at 5ish because she wants to make sure she's sober to drive home. That I get. I actually have more trouble trusting her with this particular female friend than with the guys at the club. I know she won't do anything with them.
LOL. Well yeah 3 of 4 weekends would be less than 3 or 4 nights a week. But really. Why is she spending her weekends without you?
She likes to dance. Right. Don't we all. Ever dance with the devil by the pale moonlight?
Why don't you go along. But that said, you marry a party girl you may end up with a party wife.
__________________
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
"Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up."
"It’s not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us."
Last edited by Entropy3000; 04-24-2012 at 05:00 PM.
__________________
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
"Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up."
"It’s not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us."
If you want it to stop then simply tell her you do not want to control her and she can do what she wants. Let her know you are looking for something different in a marriage and even though you love her you are not feeling the same degree of love from her.
Screw the issue here about GNO, does it really matter, the point is #1 she has lack of boundries, #2 you are not her priority.
Going back to confronting her;
not controlling......ya....She can make her own choice for whats best in a healthy marriage, but you now what it takes and what you want, and she's not cutting it and it would be best that she leaves if she does so choose to continue with deteriorating this marriage.
Again its her choice to continue, just like it your choice to not tolorate it by asking her to leave and moving on with out her.
Of course you wont do this b/c your affraid of losing her.....dude she is already on her way out, she keeps you around for the stabilty you offer her. She has your number, you aint going anywhere.
Sorry man but thats just how I see it.....I know it and she knows it, thats why she continues!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DUde. Stand up for yourself! This is ridiculous! This is not the may a married couple behaves and her cavorting with a woman she had "feelings" for would also not be acceptable. I can't understand why you would put up with this.
Just based on the description in the first post, I would say yes they are still sleeping together. IMO, let it slide. Forcing a man or woman to pick between their friends vs their lover always ends bad. You know the sayings: chicks before d!icks and bros before hoes. If she's forced to pick one and she picks you, then that sets the standard that you can make the same demand in the future with someone else. It would be in her own best interest to choose her friend over you if you are the one forcing that decision.
Negotiation = good
Ultimatum = you will be dumped
Quote:
Originally Posted by A Bit Much
As far as clubbing? Why do people go clubbing in the first place? To meet others. Drink and hook up.
Only men do that. Women actually go to the club to dance. I've gone with my gf and her friends before and we all leave together every time. Random men would come dance with the group but they would get pushed away if they got too close. I was bored to tears the first few times so I just stopped going. I would still pick them up and drive them home because that's what a decent person does and all of them were still together at the end of the night.
I guess it's some unwritten rule that you're not supposed to go home with a guy. Exchanging phone numbers then meeting sober the next day seems pretty standard. Maybe I just hang out with the lame people who don't sleep with people they met an hour ago.
Quote:
I'm thinking it takes longer than a 1/2 hour to sober up. At least it always did for me. Not sure what the actual statistics are on this...but I'm willing to bet she's out there drunk driving as well.
One thing a lot of people don't understand is that alcohol's metabolism is very unique. For a drug like caffeine or cocaine or meth or whatever, the drug has exponential decrease and it's measured as a half life in hours. Say you start with 10 units of caffeine and the half life is 5 hours. After 5 hours, you have 5 units of caffeine still in you. After another 5 hours, you still have 2.5 units of caffeine in you. After another 5 hours, you still have 1.25 units of caffeine in you. Having more of the drug in you means it gets flushed out faster. ALCOHOL DOES NOT WORK LIKE THAT
Alcohol does not metabolise exponentially. It's linear. Rule of thumb is 1 beer per hour. It doesn't matter if you drank 1 beer or 5 beers or 10 beers. You still only process 1 beer per hour. You can still be totally drunk as heck after 5 hours of sobering up. This is why so many people can get nailed with drunk driving in the morning.
Should I be ok with her going out with someone she cheated on me with (they only kissed, but to me that is cheating)?
No, you should not be OK with her going out with the person that she cheated on you with. Your wife is bi so you should treat the other women the same way that you would have treated another man that had kissed your wife. As of now your wife is dating this other woman. That being said, just because she has admitted to kissing does not mean that she did not do more. All cheaters lie and never admit to the full truth about what then did. If she said kissing it probably meant they had oral sex. Regardless, demand full no contact with this OW.
Also, going to clubs to dance with others is what single people do to hook up with others. Unless your wife is a serious Dancing with the Stars style dancer she has no business as a married woman going to these clubs without you. Regardless of if it is with this women or not, you must put your foot down and let her know that clubbing without you is outside the boundaries of your marraige and must stop.
OP. I'd like to ask you one question. And please answer it honestly.
What are you thinking as she's heading out to these meat markets?
You know, while she's getting pretty for them. Then you have to sit home alone, wondering what she's doing. I do NOT want to imply the pain of uncovering a year long affair is anything less than devastating. But you know what? In that situation, the deceived husband may have been happy that year. He had no clue. Ignorance is bliss. Imagine what it must be like to be forced to watch her get ready for her dates. Wonder what the hell she's doing while she's out. Hearing nothing about it when she gets home. And one way or another every one of these nights out are a date. Maybe with the friend, maybe with the boys she parties with. But she's having fun, thanks to you letting her.
Hit the search button (while signed in). Search "clubbing", nightclub, wingman, wingwoman. Put "went out dancing" in parentheses. You can go to other forums and do the same, it's just a little harder when not logged in. After you're done searching relationship sites, go to dating sites and do the same. Add "bought me a drink", "buy me drinks", and one of my favorites, "get drunk for free". After about an hour of reading (in amazement as to what can go on in these places) you will find out that the chances of anyone's wife going clubbing 3 times a month and NOT having done anything inappropriate are pretty small. And of the smaller (yet surely still pretty large) percentage that have done something REALLY inappropriate, I will bet my fortune that your wife's behavior: before, during and after, statistically skew HEAVILY towards the "party" side of the spectrum. Yes, some girls do just go to dance with each other in a man-free circle. But not the ones that do it from 8:00 - 5:00 the next morning just about every weekend. And with someone she made-out with. Damn dude.
I would strongly recommend you back off. Let her get comfortable then hire a PI and have her followed. Cell ph. video. I can GUARANTEE she has not told you the half of what she's done while out. If you accuse her simply based on the grounds that she's going out without you, you lose forever. Video of her grinding her crotch against some Guido (chav?) while sucking his nipple will change the entire dynamic of that conversation. (And because it is a possibility, and it's my post, I'm going to throw out the possibility that she's grinding her crotch against some hot chick's inner thigh while sucking HER nipple. Fairness). Want to go a little cheaper at first? VAR in her car will get their conversation on the way to the meat market. THAT would be enlightening also. Probably more so. And cheaper. I like it.
You've got it bad, man. You're getting cheated on as badly as anyone in the infidelity section and you WILL be accused of being just a paranoid Neanderthal for having a problem with her freedom. The assault (against me, anyhow), will probably happen before this thread leaves this page. One of the next posters.
Oh, and another thing, she will NEVER tell you about these nights, what went on. NEVER. Anything you get on tape or video will be the ONLY time it was done or was said. Then it'll be your fault. Different type of Infidelity, same script.
My wife and I have been married for 5 years now. About a year and a half ago, my wife was out with her female friend (she is married with a 4 yr old) and they kissed. Feelings were involved, but they ‘decided’ that it wasn’t a good idea. Fine. Problem is, they still hang out all the time. I don’t mind the shopping once a week and things like that, but it’s the dance clubs 3 out of every 4 weekends (where the original kissing happened, though they say it isn’t happening now). They close out the bars (2:30am here) and then my wife gets home at 4:30 or 5am, saying that she had to ‘sober up’ before driving home. I am 37, she is 35 and there are no kids, and I have been wanting kids for 7 years now (as soon as I met her I knew I wanted kids with her). This behavior of going out all the time has only started in the last couple years. She was not like this when we met and got married. Every time I try to talk to her about it we end up fighting, no matter how I bring it up to her. What should I do? Should I be ok with her going out with someone she cheated on me with (they only kissed, but to me that is cheating)?
Surely she does sound like an irresponsible wife to be honest.
She should listen more to your concerns and kissing and making out with her female friend?
Damn that's unnacceptable!!! If she gets out of control when she goes out then she's not someone trustful. She's got issues.
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Re: Clubbing all the time... 
