General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
My wife and I have been married for 5 years now. About a year and a half ago, my wife was out with her female friend (she is married with a 4 yr old) and they kissed. Feelings were involved, but they ‘decided’ that it wasn’t a good idea. Fine. Problem is, they still hang out all the time. I don’t mind the shopping once a week and things like that, but it’s the dance clubs 3 out of every 4 weekends (where the original kissing happened, though they say it isn’t happening now). They close out the bars (2:30am here) and then my wife gets home at 4:30 or 5am, saying that she had to ‘sober up’ before driving home. I am 37, she is 35 and there are no kids, and I have been wanting kids for 7 years now (as soon as I met her I knew I wanted kids with her). This behavior of going out all the time has only started in the last couple years. She was not like this when we met and got married. Every time I try to talk to her about it we end up fighting, no matter how I bring it up to her. What should I do? Should I be ok with her going out with someone she cheated on me with (they only kissed, but to me that is cheating)?
Cheating is what you and she decide is cheating. For us, anything you wouldn't do in front of the other is cheating.
As far as clubbing? Why do people go clubbing in the first place? To meet others. Drink and hook up. As a married woman, closing bars on the regular is inappropriate. The message she's sending is that she's NOT married or at the very least has an open relationship.
If she doesn't want to talk about it, that's fine. You've probably expressed how concerned you are and it's not like she doesn't know how you feel... her actions are telling you that she doesn't care. Her wants and desires are more important to her than your feelings.
I don't like ultimatums, but it sounds like your wife needs one. Be firm and don't back down. If she doesn't get herself together, be prepared to follow through with the consequences. She's going to continue on with what she's doing because right now the only consequence she has is you getting mad. It's not enough incentive for her to stop.
Someone needs to link him the thread from yesterday about people being married and going clubbing.
Your wife is 35 and acting like a 18-23 year old single woman. Clubbing 3-4 times a week? That is ridiculous. Does she not have a job or responsibilites?
Why do you tolerate this? Why do you accept it. Time for hard consequences.
"Wife, when you hit the club circuit several times a week coming up at 4-5 a.m., it makes me feel like you don't respect our marriage or me. This is the behavior of a single woman. I do not want to be in a marriage where this is the norm or behavior that is a constant and will consider ending our relationship."
Kapiche.
And what exactly do you think she's doing at 4 and 5 a.m., dear? She's not singing karaoke, I can tell you that much.
I can't imagine being out that late several times a week. That is pure insanity.
First off, it's not 3 or 4 times a week. It's 3 out of every 4 weekends, which is bad enough. If it was 3 or 4 nights a week, she would have been gone long ago. I've been out with her and her friend a few times and it's innocent enough. She enjoys dancing. My wife does the driving and she has to go pick up her friend which is a 40 minute drive from our house, then go downtown to the clubs (another 20 minute drive) then take her friend back home before she heads home. If the clubs close at 2:30, she should be home at 3:30 or 4am. She says she gets home at 5ish because she wants to make sure she's sober to drive home. That I get. I actually have more trouble trusting her with this particular female friend than with the guys at the club. I know she won't do anything with them.
First off, it's not 3 or 4 times a week. It's 3 out of every 4 weekends, which is bad enough. If it was 3 or 4 nights a week, she would have been gone long ago. I've been out with her and her friend a few times and it's innocent enough. She enjoys dancing. My wife does the driving and she has to go pick up her friend which is a 40 minute drive from our house, then go downtown to the clubs (another 20 minute drive) then take her friend back home before she heads home. If the clubs close at 2:30, she should be home at 3:30 or 4am. She says she gets home at 5ish because she wants to make sure she's sober to drive home. That I get. I actually have more trouble trusting her with this particular female friend than with the guys at the club. I know she won't do anything with them.
So are you excusing her behavior here? It sure sounds like it.
If you truly have a problem with what she's doing then do something about it.
And for the record, depending on how much she drank, 2 hours really isn't enough time to sober up. Alcohol metabolizes a lot slower in women. She's going to need at least 6 or 7 hours minimum.
I'm thinking it takes longer than a 1/2 hour to sober up. At least it always did for me. Not sure what the actual statistics are on this...but I'm willing to bet she's out there drunk driving as well.
Her behavior is suspect at least. She likes to dance. Why can't you go with her?
Also, if her "friend" was a guy and she kissed him, would you still be OK with that? It's still cheating and they may still be experimenting!
Fortunately, there are no kids in this slow motion train wreck. You need to find out where she's going and with whom. I'd recommend a Voice Activated Recorder in her car (attach it under the seat using heavy duty velcro) I'd also get a GPS unit to put in her car and that way you won't have to follow her around. You can view the GPS and see if her story and times match up.
Put a keylogger on your computer too. It will help find any secret email accounts (if there are any) that she could be using to communicate with this "friend" or anyone else.
Your gut is telling you something for a reason. Follow it for now. Do not tell her you're doing these things
Why are you not out with your wife and her friend when they dance? You don't have to dance that much, but at least be spending time with your wife. Why is it only your wife and her friend?
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Clubbing all the time... 
