General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
IMHO, over the course of my life, my views on being friends with males has definitely changed. After marriage, it changed even more. In my experience, nearly all of my male friends have desired something more, whether they ever tried it or not.
One thing I do notice are the many posts from people who are having problems with their SOs op/sex friendship. The replies to those threads seem to indicate a high level of displeasure with the frienships, with a few replies mixed in from people who have no problems with male/female friendships.
Outside of TAM it's a different story. I often read Annie's Mailbox (formerly Ann Landers) and the advice given there often admonishes the 'jealous' or 'controlling' spouse who won't allow his/her husband/wife to have 'friends'. Among the people I work with, these same types of friendships are no problem...even my own husband didn't see the issue with female friends.
No, not from a guy's point of view. There is always an undercurrent of "Maybe". Some Beta guys can be "friends" for years and you'd never know it. They wait like hyenas , waiting for a weak moment.
Well, if your spouse dies, then a lot of work has been spared, you know who you might be compatible with. Hate to say it, but even if marriages last forever, people don't, and that's a fact. I think a lot of people might change their mind as they approach the age where their friends die, or worse, almost die and then don't fully recover to a point where they can participate in a relationship, which might be my situation, or not. It would be shooting myself in the foot to not have friends of the opposite sex who know my situation and are supportive. You learn a lot about opposite gender people by having friendships with them, such as, which ones can be friends with women and not mess around with them or push established boundaries...any one of my guy friends, I have inside knowledge of how they behave with women. If they didn't behave, I'd drop them as friends.
My guy was a friend to me prior to me getting divorced. We never crossed boundaries, when I was recently separated we went out for things like casual spur of the moment ice cream and drink (tonic water for me) dates. We didn't kiss, we didn't hold hands, we talked about stuff, opinions, past-times, work, volunteer stuff, etc. When my husband wanted a second chance, I introduced my friend to my husband as the friend that he was. When I ran into my friend one day in my town, my husband accused me of setting up the meeting. That clued me in to how my husband behaved with women he 'happened' to run into, it was probably a set up...probably is a bit weak. Yes, he was seeing other women. Now my friend, I knew him to be respectful of marriages and of women who were newly single or somewhere in between. He told me later when we became a couple that it hurt to step back and give my husband a second chance, however it gave him an opportunity to see for himself how loyal I was, and that was something that when he had a chance to have that for himself, he was more than willing to take it, and treasure it.
There is no use in keeping opposite gender people completely on the other side of one's fence. How they behave when granted access to your back yard is valuable information, you can always give someone the boot if they are not respectful of partnerships/marriages. And they would deserve it. So no big loss.
Another thing is that if they are attracted to you they communicate that respectfully, like talking about clothing or complimenting you on a new hairstyle or just saying that you look beautiful and giving you the opportunity to tell them that yes, you made an effort to contribute to the scenery.
My friends and I create the type of community we would like to have, and we don't worry what anyone would say about it. If someone does comment, then it's an opportunity to show them how we manage things. Quite honestly, I'm not sure I can say that if my guy is in rehab for a very long time, I wouldn't say no to a friends with benefits situation. Right now I know I would say no, because I have said no, and deflected those people. But will I always say no? I'm not sure, but I do know I would discuss it with my partner, because who knows, things might change for him or there might be some kind of arrangement that could be made at his rehab facility. Right now I am real sure he is off limits. I do know that I trust myself and I'm not going to do anything stupid. But I'm not going to just follow someone's set of rules about what they think I should be doing. I'm going to do what feels right. That's different from what feels physically good, although in my opinion, something is not going to feel physically good unless it also feels right. And it needs to feel right for the partnership, not just for one person. Otherwise, you don't have a partnership and you might as well just do whatever you want because you're just screwing around with people's lives, not sharing them.
I have to be completely honest and say here as a woman that if I know I am looking good and a male friend doesn't comment on it, I get a little upset :-) I'm accustomed, from even grade school, to compliments when I make an effort, so when I make an effort, I like my guy friends to give me feedback. My friend gave me a wet suit, it was a size small, he got it at a yardsale, I was the first person to fit into it and everyone in the kayak club there that day (my guy's friends) said I was most definitely a wetsuit babe. lol. But nobody touches a guy's woman when he is in the hospital and rehab, you can feed her, compliment her, take her out on the river...do all the things your guy friend would do for her if he was there...everything to keep her from feeling in the dumps...and her head above water...but nope, you don't make a move. It's like a code of honor. Nobody would want to be 'that guy' and have to answer up. Now if people don't belong to a community, and have random friends who are unaccounted for and on the fringes, that is a situation that can lead to trouble. Communities and their constructs are important elements of boundary setting.
How do you know this to be true? There's women I've known for years I never made any advances to that I'd bonk in a heartbeat now I'm on my way to being single again. I'm telling you there isn't a man with working testicles that can be "your friend" in the platonic sense unless he finds you physically unattractive or totally/morally unavailable.
Well since I can't mind read, I don't know 100% for sure that my male friends never found me attractive or wanted to have sex with me. From my point, I was never attracted to them and didn't care if they were attracted to me at any point. They never showed it or acted on it. I would think that if they had thought of me in a "I gotta get in her pants" type of way, they would of shown some sort of interest?
To this day, I'm still friends with them, we still invite each other to housewarmings/birthdays/backyard BBQ's. It never has and never will bother me that they've never been attracted to me or me to them. They are friends, period.
You know this already but men have sex on the brain all the time
(more when we are younger).
When I was single, I had a few female friends.
I didn't think about them in a sexual way.
If I did then I would have made a move on them.
You should be able to tell by how your guy friends look at you, etc
if there is any hint that they think of you like that.
But also most single men would not turn down sex either.
If you surprised them by asking to do a "Friends with Benefit" thing, lots of single men would go for it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by allthegoodnamesaregone
No, not from a guy's point of view. There is always an undercurrent of "Maybe". Some Beta guys can be "friends" for years and you'd never know it. They wait like hyenas , waiting for a weak moment.
This kind of fits what I saw online. There were manymen saying that two singles men/women can't be "just friends" whereas almost all the women were saying yes they could.
Idk. I think single men and women can be friends. I do think that in some of those friendships 1 or the other many develop an attraction, but not always.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CandieGirl
Among the people I work with, these same types of friendships are no problem...even my own husband didn't see the issue with female friends.
Who knows, maybe it's just us...
Well I was asking about singles, not marrieds. I think there is a huge difference. When you're married/partnered, the boundaries should be STEALTH with opposite sex people.
I do love the name of that advice column--Annie's Mailbox. Gonna have to check it out.
This thread also got me thinking because I recently ran into one of my friend from school days (like eons ago) who said that I'd "always been hot/pretty." He had never said anything like that to me before so it got me wondering about men. This is a guy I've known forever.
I know men think about sex a lot and then it got me thinking if dudes think about boffing their gal pal friends when single.
This thread also got me thinking because I recently ran into one of my friend from school days (like eons ago) who said that I'd "always been hot/pretty." He had never said anything like that to me before so it got me wondering about men. This is a guy I've known forever.
I know men think about sex a lot and then it got me thinking if dudes think about boffing their gal pal friends when single.
Enjoy the compliment!
And yes - more often than not - we are thinking about boffing.
I've never even seen you and I'm thinking about it right now!
I think as Singles - we can all be friends. You've taken away the moral dilemma. If it slips into something more, who cares?
As Marrieds? I used to believe firmly that men and women could be friends when married. Now - I'm not so sure.
well from my experience, I can handle it just fine. My guy friends seem to be able to handle it just fine too.
As long as no one makes a move, I could really care less if they think I'm hot. I seem to develop a big brother/little sister friendship anyways, and spend a lot of time talking like a guy would with them. -shrug-
Most of my buddies and I fart, belch, drink beer, and talk about chicks occasionally guys, but that has to happen at a secure moment in their manhood..we discuss brutal music and porn too.
I could just be turning a blind eye, but I have had issues with guys thinking they'd get more and they're completely out of the picture if they can't take a hint. With respect to a spouse, I usually dwindle out my guy friends, or only interact with other males when said spouse is around or is comfortable with it, but like I said i think its extremely possible.
I dunno. I know that for MYSELF, if I was to become friends with a guy NOW it would be because I'm attracted to him. So I wouldn't do that to myself or my husband or my marriage.
I don't hang out with men to start book clubs.
Now, I have friends from when I was single, that are male, and were not sexual partners. The friends I was sexual with are no longer friends. No bad feelings, just not appropriate.
When I was single, I had MOSTLY male friends. Some became FWB over the years and some remained just friends. They had Gfs or bfs or whatever.
this just made me laugh, I think maybe one of my buddies reads lol.
I usually just enjoy the lack of drama or ***** festing going on with my guy friends. I love my girls, but it gets stressful and overwhelming sometimes and its nice to sit back have a beer and talk about brutal music and violent movies :\
this just made me laugh, I think maybe one of my buddies reads lol.
I usually just enjoy the lack of drama or ***** festing going on with my guy friends. I love my girls, but it gets stressful and overwhelming sometimes and its nice to sit back have a beer and talk about brutal music and violent movies :\
HA! I have 3 best gfs. They all can sit back with a beer and talk about brutal music and violent movies.
I'm not a girlie girl when it comes to conversation.
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Re: Can single men & women be friends? 
That's why I have my bros.
