WhoHaveIBecome

This is a question that has always bothered me. I have a sordid history on this subject that some of you all know about. Its in my previous threads and I'm not hiding it. I am obviously biased so my thoughts may need to be taken with a grain of salt.

I had always thought that there were people who cheat and people who don't. The ones who do cheat are lost causes. You can't make someone be faithful and if they have a history of this behavior its not really possible to change it. I held this belief until a few years ago. I've had friends who have cheated on partners and I've seen them repeat the behavior so many times.

What I believe now after my experiences with this is it is all about the circumstances. Sometimes a perfect storm of events happen that allow someone who might never cheat to think its okay. Someone who is completely committed may stray based on so many different factors coming together at once. It doesn't make it acceptable but it is understandable. I don't think most people cheat with malice in their heart.

For me it was a combination of being in a marriage that was in a rut and feeling like my life was going nowhere. My ex-wife and I were stuck at the same point we were when we first married while our friends were starting their families and moving on to more rewarding expirerencs. I was in a weird place mentally and I was able to justify things that should never been justifiable. My wife was going through a lot of things and suffering from depression and she wasn't a lot of fun to be around. And then there was the completely accidental meeting of the other woman. I really do not think I would have strayed if not for this perfect storm of - marriage problems, depression/loss of focus, and meeting someone else. I never planned on cheating and I haven't cheated in my new relationship. But I did cheat in my first marriage despite personally being repulsed by cheating.

I think the issue of infidelity is far more complicated than, once a cheater, always a cheater. It all depends on circumstances, weak boundaries, and opportunity. Sometimes good people make bad decisions.

Mistys dad

The past has already been lived and can't be changed.

The future is what you decide to make it.

The hardest part about changing yourself is that people will always remember who you were, while never looking at who you are trying to become.

__________________
The first question should always be, "If it's that bad, why are you still there?

OK, you screwed up, it happens. Now apologize. But apologize just once. Make it loud, clear, short, to the point, and directly to those you trespassed against. Then move on.

calvin

I think for a majority this is true but thats just too much of a blanket statement,some come to their
senses when they are hit with reality and see what they could lose which is everything.seems like they are like an addict,they know its wrong but justify ways to keep it up.So if addicts and alcoholics can change why not a cheater?
I feel a lot has to do with the persons character also.Are they weak? Strong?Can they learn from their screw up?
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SlowlyGettingWiser

I don't believe that it's true for EVERY cheater that 'once a cheater, always a cheater.'

Everyone can make a mistake and learn from it. Sometimes circumstances ARE bad and people are too gutless to leave when they should. If this is the case, that person should KNOW when to leave next time and do it BEFORE they move on to someone else.

I would say that ANYBODY who has cheated MORE THAN ONCE (be it in marriage/living together/dating), is someone I would consider likely to cheat again. I would NEVER trust this person.

Coffee Amore

I think people are capable of personal growth and change, but it takes great insight, empathy and conscious effort so the percentage of cheaters who genuinely reform is low (IMHO) because often these people find ways (like the OP) to justify their actions. When faced with difficult circumstances, it's my belief that someone who has cheated in the past is more likely to slip back into bad habits again as escapism. Look at alcoholics. Some of them will get help. They'll become sober, but when faced with difficult emotional cirucmstances, it's more likely someone who is an alcoholic is likely to slip up and drink heavily than someone who has always remained sober in the face of problems.

Twice a cheater always a cheater...

My two cents...

2nd_t!me iz_best

exactly.
i did cheat on my exw 1 time with 1 woman 7 years into the marriage.
i stopped the friendship with her the next day.

during her 14 years of serial cheating, i never cheated even though i knew she was.

PrincessMarie

I believe that once a cheater, always a cheater is as true as day. No matter how much you want to think they'll never do it again, they will, and they'll be more sneaky and angry at YOU for it. No one I know has been able to make their cheater stop. Just because you have a few good years, don't mean that he isn't cheating the whole time or won't start soon.

2nd_t!me iz_best

dont you think if this was true i would have cheated during my exw 14 years of seial cheating? if for nothing else, as revenge cheating?

as stated above, i did cheat once, saw it as the wrong thing and havent since.

i cheated once seven years into my 30 year marriage while my exw spent the last 14 of those 30 years cheating several times, possibly as many as 7 different men i can figure and each lasting longer than one time each.

i know she decided not to change.
i also know that i did decide to change.

Gratitude

It depends on if the person cheating felt guilt, had consequences and learnt from their mistake.

__________________
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I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

Yes, my ex h has proved this to be true with his second wife. He's also a serial cheater.

Anyways, once you cheat on me, your gone for good. I will not forgive something so terrible.

It's my belief that if the spouse cheats on you, they truly do not love you with their whole heart.

It's very simple to remain faithful.

Love Song

I voted Not True People Can Change.

I think cheaters can change. It partially comes down to if the cheater is remorseful and wants to change.

You cheated. The question is are you willing to learn from it? Are you going to do the work necessary to make sure it doesn't happen again? If you are ever in a vulnerable place again how will you handle it differently than you did last time?

You have to realize that there was a cycle that you went through that allowed you to cheat. You need to break down every influencing part (as I have seen you have done) and figure out how to stop the cycle before it runs its full course. If you don't figure that out and you are ever in a vulnerable position again, you may just cheat. It's your choice, you choose.

calvin

What if it was an EA but they did meet a few times
(nothing pysical) and the WS was showing a boat load of remorse and they are disgusted with what they did? Would that make a difference?
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eowyn

I think once a cheater ... enough damage is done.

Irrespective of whether "Once a cheater, always a cheater" is true .... "Once a cheater, there will always be a deficiency of trust that cannot be repaired even if the cheating is not repeated"

the guy

If I can change well then she can change.

Goldmember357

Id say 90% of the time a cheater will cheat again. Rare rare instances i feel where the person who cheat's is not truly like that.

Studies and data would show it to be true not only that but as Eowyn said the deficiency of trust is a huge killer for a relationship. In addition cheaters display behavior that is generally looked down upon in societies, they are narcissistic, impulsive, hedonistic and socially inept often, they also willingly comply and go through with set sexual actions knowing the consequences but overlook the moral conflicts that may pop into their head. Going past the pre conventional state thoughts like (How they can avoid punishments, what's in it for them, the social norms, law order and morality and than the post conventional which is when its done, than universal ethnic principles come into play.

The state and the mentality a person who cheat's exhibits is often not a enjoyable state of mind let alone a person most of you would wish to deal with and this is based off their actions and how their mind works.



I would say in cases of a marriage in which one person has no freedom no rights and is truly trapped or a slave in that case running away or cheating (imo) can be justified. However in such a country like our's 99% of the time its not justified in a marriage even in the sexless marriages i can sort of see and maybe understand where they are coming from in those cases i feel the cheater is doing such a thing because of the sad state of their life and the depression (those cases which are rare) i feel the person is not truly a cheater and will not always be a cheater.