Tall Average Guy

While I don't disagree with this, I do think the logical next step is to cut off her access to the money. If she is going to think about it as her OWN time, then he can certainly think of it as his OWN money.

Having said that, I really hate that idea, and yet I don't have any good ideas for a solution.

Mavash.

The princesses I've known in my circle I've always wondered WHY the husbands put up with it? These women put their kids in daycare, hire housekeepers so they are free to shop and have lunch with all their friends.

What other boss would allow that? I'm no submissive wallflower but my husband is the boss in the sense of he pays for my life and my side of the bargain is to take care of the home. It's my JOB and if I didn't do it I totally would lose respect for him if he allowed me to keep my cushy life while I sat on my ass and did nothing all day. I may not collect a paycheck in the working sense but yes I feel as if I should contribute to this household.

I don't like this idea either but what other choice is there??

If I were a man I'd be cutting off the internet, cable and other niceties after WE came up with a reasonble list of duties. I wouldn't just hand over money for nothing. I'm totally against homemakers not doing their job but expecting still to get paid for it. It's crazy.

BeachGuy

I think you are 100% correct. And no, she has never made me feel like "the most special man in the world". She's always admired me for being smart and successful, but has treated me like I'm her father forever.

I read the book "The Five Love Languages" a few years ago, which makes it plain and simple to understand how to make your partner feel loved. I got her to read it and she liked it. But she continued to treat me in a way that she likes to be treated, which is not my "love language" and did not make me feel loved.

When I was growing up, it was all about my dad. In my house, it's all about my wife first, then the kids, then the dog and cat, THEN me.

Hope1964

Cutting off her money would be treating her like a maid again - implying that since she isn't doing the work she won't be paid. I don't like that idea either.

I have to reiterate that you cannot change her. You can only change yourself. You can change how you react to what she does, you cannot change what she does. Or in this case doesn't do.

I really think the only thing you can do is accept the fact she is the way she is and then decide what YOU are going to do about it. ie stay married or not, do more yourself or not, hire a cleaning person or not.

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kag123

You proved my point in your response.

No matter what you think, SHE thinks she is doing an A+ job. Her perspective is warped for whatever reason - did she grow up being catered to, or live in a house that was constantly dirty? The point is, not much you can do to change her perception at this point in her life.

The only thing you have control over is yourself. You said this isn't a new issue, you've been around the block, been to counseling, etc. So, you aren't winning this one. The question is - can you learn to live with a wife that just isnt going to be a great housekeeper or cook?

You have three options here...

1 - Constantly get on her @ss about it, give her performance reviews, etc. How do you think this will play out?

2 - Live with things the way that they are, bearing most of the work yourself. How's that working for you currently?

3 - Decide on your own to do something to relieve some of your own stress and responsibility, by looking at an outside source - which is why I suggested the house cleaning service. If you can't MAKE your wife clean, the least you can do is give yourself a break and not have to do it yourself on your time off.

I don't think you are going to change her.

I personally think that trying anything underhanded - such as taking away her money, refusing to clean up her portions of the house, or whatever - is not going to get you any satisfaction. I think you will end up more frustrated in the long run, because her perception is that things are fine the way that they are and SHE does not think she is doing a bad job currently. Why play games?

I think you need to learn a way to peacefully let this go or consider divorcing her over it.

Marielle

Oh I see...I'm sorry you're living in this situation...

I hope I'm not prying, but did your parents ever make you feel valued, important and loved? If so, how much did you feel it?

cory275

im not a stay at home mom... cuz we dont have kids (thank god), but i work 20-30 hours a week while my hubs works 60-70. but i have all the responsibilities of the home. my husband doesnt help me AT ALL with ANYTHING around the house. dishes, laundry, trash, food... i do all that ****. if my husband wasnt satisfied with the way i clean then its not really my problem, and he's more than welcome to either do it himself or find another solution because i know i'm doing the best i can. and housework is thankless and you dont get paid and it's hard work. i know you said that you help a lot, but you also complain a lot. i cant imagine having kids on top of everything else i do. i think you might need to offer a little compassion... i bet you check your FB and internet stuff during the day or when you get home from work as well... its not a freakin sin to take a break after dealing with whining and complaining kids.

i'd say instead of getting pissed off at your wife for not cleaning to your standards give the chores to the kids or hire a maid. it seems like you're being a bit of a drama queen when the answer is pretty simple.

waiwera

Beachguy...that sucks! It doesn't sound like she is doing her fair share...

My H lovingly calls this place 'his soft place to fall'. He comes home and the place is clean and tidy and warm. Usually dinner is cooking or on it's way and i have a ribbon in my hair (or at least i'm clean & tidy with my lippy in place)

I work from home (growing veges/fruit and herbs) and basically do everything on the inside and everything on the outside. My kids have chores to help out but i consider it my job.

Having said that...H does get rid of any dead bodies my cats or dog brings home and he lifts heavy things for me with his enormously strong arms.

I think your getting a raw deal here...

Homemaker_Numero_Uno

You could reduce expenses and streamline your home and life so that you could support it all on a part time job, then you could spend half your time keeping half the house you have now, maybe even a small apartment. If your wife wanted it some other way, then she could be free to make some income to make the changes. Honestly, you can only control what you do. Your wifey isn't into housekeeping, at least not on someone else's terms. Here is the bottom line, if you are concerned about your children YOU need to find a way to spend more time with them to be able to teach them YOUR values. The way to do this is to cut back on work, and if you cut back on work, then you need to downsize your life, considering you are the only one who agrees with the standards you are setting then you are the one who is going to be meeting them. Your wife is her own person. You can't make someone else behave the way you want them to. But you can change what you do. Who knows, you might find the new lifestyle refreshing, in terms of not having to stress so much and having more time to create the type of home that you would like, with your own energy, vs. trying to direct a play from halfway around the world in a different language and a different culture entirely, and have it be a Broadway hit.

I live in a small apartment, I keep up with the housekeeping, but I have time for my kids, we live 1/2 mile from their school and mine, and I work from home. I have time to make cookies and hang laundry out on the line, not all the time but a good deal of the time. Yah, sometimes it gets messy but I ususally have a feel for juggling priorities and try to clean when I'm in the mood so as to maximize my efforts efficiently. I have a few hobbies, I go to the gym, I take ballroom dance, I volunteer at an independent film theater, I hang out with friends or go to events, kayak, hike, bicycle, walk my dog, etc. Having a big house and fancy schools for my kids that require me driving them there...that lifestyle just isn't for me. I like to feel fresh air on my face. You can't do that in a big house and in a car for that amount of time every day. It's plain unhealthy, I don't care how many upstanding citizens do it every day. It's sick. There needs to be a compromise somewhere. This lifestyle is obviously not working for the health of everyone in your family. Ask the kids for ideas. They generally will know what they're talking about, they also get to go round to other people's houses and will know what kind of home they would like to grow up in. I think most of the time the children in a house can speak up for changes and have some good ideas about how to make everyone happy, children tend to be fair. And they are the reason the home exists, it would seem, at this point, since you are at odds with your wife...

jeepgal

Maybe she is depressed? Maybe that is the reason she has no goals or direction? Maybe try being supportive and communicate with her about your concerns in a non confrontational way and see if that helps.

SunnyT

She's lazy...and she just don't wanna.

So like the others have said, you have choices.

1. Go on like it is
2. Do it yourself
3. Leave

If you don't like how something is working in your life, you do what YOU can do to change it. You know you can't make her do it, you can't convince her to WANT to do it, and she isn't going to do it well enough anyway.

So what are YOU going to do?

PrincessMarie

I noticed male SAHS don't do diddly squat. They just sit on their bums and say they couldn't do anything because they were chasing the kid all day while the house looks 2x worse than what you left it. While female SAHS are expected to do absolutely everything under the sun and then some.

I work 40+ hours a week, but my husband still expects me to prepare all meals, schedule all appointments, clean the entire house which is always destroyed when I get home and then expect no love, affection or praise in return.

BeachGuy

That's a tough question. I guess I would lean towards "no". I used to tell my mom repeatedly as a kid that my dad didn't love me. I have a great relationship with them as an adult though.

Some more info...we separated twice in the past 3 years. I tried to file uncontested divorce and she made some noise about having to "move back home" (300 miles away) if she "couldn't survive" as a divorced mom. Complete and utter nonsense because what she really meant was she'd run home to her parents and let them take care of her so she wouldn't have to get a job or have responsibilities. So I went back home against my will and stopped with the divorce. Which of course is just what she wanted but I couldn't risk her taking my children that far away.

So now I'm just biding my time until I have the money saved up to hire a lawyer and file contested. I feel sure the judge will say neither of us can move until the kids are 18 or whatever. I have friends here who divorced and said that's pretty standard in FL.

In the meantime, I'm enjoying being back under the same roof as my kids and my pets and my house. I started first of the year trying to clean up one room at a time since she can't do it. I'm trying my best to make a bad situation better but I just get so aggravated with her childlike mind. I mean come on...she can't even plan and prepare dinner during the week? There is NO excuse for that. None.

I can't stand the thought of not living with my kids but it's either that or just stay completely stressed out for the next 10 years. I haven't decided 100% yet that I'll even do it, but I'll make that decision once I have the money saved up by the end of summer. It's not like the kids don't know we're not happy being married. Which of course isn't good for them.

I know she'll never change. Not in a million years.

BeachGuy

Goodnesss....somebody got a chip on their shoulder about what their husband doesn't do? Geez....don't take it out on me.

Sounds like you're assuming my wife works as hard as you do when she's nowhere close to what a normal sahm would do.

Valley

I was a stay at home mom for years. I took all morning to clean. I gave myself after lunch to do whatever I wanted until the kids got home. I think your wife is too entitled.

I would be putting the hammer down because she is setting the example for your children. If you don't intervene your kids are going to be the same way.