Ten_year_hubby

Beach,

I think you are on to something here. It is not unreasonable to expect what you grew up with but because you wife grew up differently, your expectations may not be easily met.

Some of this difference is cultural and some is generational but I have seen a distinct pattern where women who grow up with a weak or absent father figure present the "husband last" priority structure like you describe in their adult marital relationships

Tall Average Guy

I don't like it either, but doing nothing is treating her like a child. She does minimal chores but still expects him to work full time, make money to pay the bills and keep her in the way she deserves. In that sense, he has to maintain his investment in the marriage while she does not. Not sure that works either.

Absolutely agree that she has to change. He can't make her.

While the OP does need to make these decision, I would recommend following it up with other actions as well. The cost of the cleaning service should come out of her budget, not his. The time he spends doing the housework should come out of the time he spends with her, not with the kids or his own free time. He should be very clear why this is, but to do otherwise says that her desire for free time is of paramount importance.

Marielle

Hi BeachGuy,

I was a little concerned that my question might have been too personal, so I'm glad you got back to me. I think I'm getting a better grasp on your situation...You must feel trapped in a very frustrating and painful life. I don't want to just throw out quick answers, so I would like to think on what you're dealing with a bit more (it's pretty complicated right?). I'll get back to you later after some thought. Until then, hope you have a good day.

BeachGuy

You can't even imagine how frustrating it has been. I've tried and tried and tried again to fix our relationship but I can't do it if she's not willing to work on it too. But like I've said....she thinks she IS doing good things. But everyone that knows our details says she just doesn't get it. Even our counselor has given up on her. Her best friend confided in me that she wants to just grab her by the shoulders and shake her and say "What's wrong with you???" I know I'm no perfect husband. Far from it. But I used to be. Before she threw me under bus after we had kids. It's just been all downhill since then.

I guess it's back to what I already knew. Either live with it, or leave. That's like trying to decide which arm to cut off.

isla~mama

I'm a "career" SAHM. I've been a SAHM from the day we were married. Generally I see my main duties as...

1) care for the kids-- makes sure they're fed decent food, in clean clothes, bathed, not vegetating in front of the TV, getting homework done, getting them to school on time, picking them up from school, negotiating fights and squabbles, just generally keeping them in a good environment and good state of mind

2) all grocery shopping

3) all cooking

4) all laundry

5) my fair share of cleaning-- I clean but I'm not a maid and household members above a certain age can pick up after themselves, clean their own rooms, and help clean common areas like bathrooms, kitchen, living rooms etc. The house isn't spotless but it's presentable

6) all yardwork that I'm physically capable of

My son does dishes and trash hauling for an allowance but otherwise I'd be doing that.

Some days I'm more productive than others. And if my husband doesn't like the job I'm doing I usually respond with some variation of... "You have two arms and two legs that work, pitch in to help out." That usually shuts him up.

SimplyAmorous

I feel very bad for husband's who work full time and come home to a disasterous house... when thier wives have the privilege to stay at home...I have always considered it a Privilege. My husband never made Big bucks yet we were able to survive with me staying home. I would feel terribly worthless if I didn't do my part. I also feel my husband has the harder end of the stick. Even with 6 kids. At one time, we had 4 under the age of 6, and 2 was in diapers...and I even used cloth & hung them on the line, I never complained about the work. I just felt so blessed I was able to stay home, Moms that work have it so much harder !!

I do literally everything there is to do within the house so when he comes home, he has nothing to help me with...Personally I enjoy his time, so I wouldn't want him to have to help me.

There is always other things I "can't" do - like fixing the car, a tree over the driveway- getting out the chain saw could be dangerous! Getting up on the roof to patch a leak..Nope, that can wait for him! I leave my husband the HARD manly stuff that requires power tools, stamina & patience. I do ALL the mundane chores around the house... and still I have time to monkey around on here while my laptop sits in the kitchen.

I keep the Calendar, do all the bills, scheduling, researching, Doc Appointments, we Grocery shop together sometimes, all the cooking unless the kids help me. Every dish, all laundry, I am a stricker about a clean floor. One thing he does do for me...he helps them with thier homework, as I have little patience for this.

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SprucHub

I noticed that females with SAHH like to generalize. While I am not a SAHD, I know some that work exceptionally hard. Also, there are many men who also work and help out at home, even with SAHMs. So, I do not think it is a gender thing - laziness/delusions can be as universal as hard work.

BeachGuy

Do you have a twin sister that wants to get married????

Man....your husband is one lucky man. Good on ya!

SimplyAmorous

Ha ha Sorry Beach Guy, I was an only child.

I think the fact my upbringing was rather tough... that nasty step mother of mine WORKED me hard....she had little mercy on me...but you know what, it taught me to not be lazy and do my share..and do it well.....I didn't want to catch hell.

I am kinda rough on my kids too, I don't wait on my sons hand & foot -cause this may cause issues in thier marraige down the road EXPECTING their wives to get them every cup of coffee & pick up all their dirty laundry ...when she might be working...likely she will. If the wife isn't , she simply needs to take care of that house, get up for her husband every day...minimize his stress. Learn some multitasking during the day.

But don't look up "multitasking housewives" on your computer ... last time I did that- looking for a good link on a thread like this, I got a trojan and it crashed my laptop - ha ha ! (seriously)

We all need to do our part. Or we should if we want a happy man walking through that door every day.

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TKIGuy

Hmm, I would suspect my wife was living a double a life but given she doesn't keep up with the one she has I doubt she is also living one with you!

I dealt with this for a long time and it is hard. I wanted her to change but she can't/won't. I think she would if she could, but it's just not who she is. I knew this about her before I married her, but I thought it would change. So after some years of fighting with her and watching our relationship deteriorate I had to make a choice. I was either going to leave her or tolerate her. I do love her, even if I don't love this part of who she is. I am at fault for thinking she was going to change, after all she was not deceitful, she was always a messy person. So it's not fair of me to blame her for not becoming the person I want her to be. Should she try harder, probably. Could she make more effort, sure. But at the end of the day it's just not who she is. I made my peace with it and while my house is messy and I'm not happy about it. Our household is more peaceful.

You need to determine if your wife is capable or not. If she is just being lazy then you may want to try and push harder, you could go the route of not doing things she expects from you until she does what you expect but that can take you down a bad road so be sure that is what you are prepared for. If at the end of the day she just can't get it together like my wife then you have to ask yourself if you can just accept her for who she is even if it isn't what you wanted. You know that whole "for better or worse" part......

SimplyAmorous

I have to agree with TKIGuy's words ...his experience. I believe people are either CLEAN about housekeeping or LAX, very few have I seen change in their lives.

My Mother in Law in such a Hoarder, she would blow those people on TV out of the water, how did his dad handle this...he never stayed home..out playing Poker with the guys every night. Funny he came from a family whose houses were so clean & organized, you could eat off the floor , maybe even feel bad if you walked on their carpet.

It was THE LARGEST argument/disconnect in their marriage...but they stayed together. It never changed, she kept hoarding, he would just not stay home, he was embarrassed to have his own relatives come to the house. She was always saying she was tired. Her dad was a messy, and her 2 brothers also were like this, junk collectors.

Thankfully for me, my husband takes after his DAD, or likely I would be screaming !! I hate clutter, I need my house to be "in order" before I can relax. I think people are geared one way or the other.

I have friends, they are both messys.. they are fine with it . I'd be terribly embarrassed if I was them -- but hey, they are great people, would give you the shirt off thier backs.. I love 'em....but I couldn't be married to one of them, it would cause alot of fights.

What is her family members like ???

Is it depression (this can also manifest itself in just loosing interest in household duties)...or is this just a gene in her family -this is how she is geared , she doesn't see these things as issues. If that is the case... you will likely just be banging your head against the wall.

Seems a shame you have to cook though! At least you 2 should work on sharing that responsibility.

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LadyStardust

I do it all - including the typical "manly jobs" like cutting the grass and getting the cars serviced. Homework, chauffeur duties, bills, financial planning, wiring the TV, caulking the shower -- all me. Anything I cant handle myself, I hire out.

Tigger

beachguy, i think the others are correct in that if she won't work then she needs to have everything done and make home as comfortable as possible for you.

i do think she is doing quite a bit.

i work 40 hours a week and my husband has been home for 7 months now and won't look for work and he does nothing at home.

i wont hijack your thread though ill open my own about it

anony2

I was just thinking the same thing, maybe if the OP complimented her on the work that she does do, she would do more. The same works with children, although, I am not calling his wife a child.

She might feel taken advantage of. It might not be 'her thing' to be a housewife. She might feel that it is too much for her to do. She might need him to step up and be the leader. There could be many reasons why, but if he doesn't talk to her about it, he will never know.

superstar5

Well two other possibilities for not keeping up on household I didn't see mentioned are
1. people asking for favors alot - since my kids both started school fulltime, friends and family members see me as a person readily available to help them with this and that all the time.
2. The routine of household chores=insanity after a while. Isn't there a saying that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again? I get so sick of the routine I occationally have melt downs and slip into depression for a day or two and my husband may come home to me in pjs not having done much all day ... but then I get regrouped and get things back in order again.

Now I have questions on opinions on the flip side of things.. is it reasonable for a housewife to take a couple hours once or twice a month during the day while husband is working and have fun time out with friends? I still get supper ready and house is reasonably clean, but my husband seems to get jealous and jerky with me when I have fun days or help someone days. He also acts jealous during kids summer vacation when he hears of me taking kids to beach, and fun activities for kids he complains that we got to have fun while he had to work and then says we need to cut back on spending, no more kids activities, when we have plenty, and I know because I do bills, etc.. and to top it off grandmas often pay for these activities. However, he still gets grumpy that we had fun and he didn't, funny thing is he never wants to do these activites when I suggest doing them as family on weekend, etc. so I purposely pick these activities during summer break days. So basically hes not mad he's missing out, he's mad we had fun day and he had to work, although its not entirely fun for me, time with the kids is precious and watching them have fun is rewarding, but days with them and their friends are quite exhausting for me all the bathroom breaks, meals, snacks, loudness, getting into freezing water with youngest who can't swim and getting splashed in face is not exactly fun me time.
I am a hard worker, people often tell me that. I average maybe 1/2 to hr tv a day, sometimes none, sometimes more. I work part time for my parents business 6-10 hrs a week, I do all the cleaning, bills, yardwork, shopping, care of children, help with husbands business, errands for business and family. Birthdays, school events, kids afterschool activities, and family entertainment all is organized and taken care of by me If we have people over for grill out, I go get the drinks food etc and spend hours preparing and he takes the plate of prepared burgers and steaks, etc puts them on grill, flips and he takes the credit for how great a cook he is, even though I preped and seasoned and picked out the quality of meat, and cleaned the grill prior, etc, etc. Also the following day or two I am the one having to clean up while he watches tv or snoozes and asks about lunch. I never get on his case to do anything, all his friends say hes so lucky because I let him do whatever he wants and I do. I want him to have fun and be happy, There has been many times he went out to bars on weeknights with friends while I stayed with kids and I was happy for him and happy for me to have tv to myself . So I really don't understand why my husband acts jerky with me when I take a day or evening to relax and he works, why can't he be happy for me?