lisagw411

Ok - going to try to respond to most of your very informative post. Here is a response I already submitted about what I do for him: I have tried - I have asked him what he wants from me. His answer is usually "I don't know". This has been an ongoing issue with him. It is never enough - I keep telling him that he comes first and if there is any point in time that he wants to be with his wife just let me know - I will set work aside - he doesn't do it. I have taken him out to dinner, surprised him with small tokens of affection, sent him caring text messages, post sweet comments on facebook, compliment him more than he has ever complimented me, and pretty much make him feel the the king of the freakin' universe but it still isn't enough. See why I am at my wits end? He is jealous of his son - he wants more time than I give our child which is impossible. His chief complaint is that he feels like he is fighting for quality time with me and wants the life we had before our son came along (when all of my time and energy went to him). I can't turn back time and I wouldn't want too - I have no idea what to do.

lisagw411

Now to respond to everyone else - VostroDH - at work he is required to present a solution to most problems - whether or not it is practical. Mostly if he can just throw out a bunch of crap that sounds good his superiors will accept it (not kidding - he has told me this).

lisagw411

SprucHub - he is very emotional, very needy, and every time I have pushed him a corner and asked him what he wants from me he can never give me an answer.

lisagw411

SprucHub - if he needs a different type of affection that he needs to be specific. Just telling me he wants attention has lead to me running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to give him attention in as many ways as I can. I have empathized - I have told him that most of everything you have said but like a child "he wants what he wants now".

lisagw411

PooDoo - I have been willing. I have been willing ever since he posed this argument over a year ago. I have bent over backwards for this man and again it is never enough. You give him an inch and wants a mile - every single time.

lisagw411

Ten_year_hubby - I will try your idea. I will shift my work schedule and work until 1am instead of midnight just to see if giving him 30 minutes a day will work; however, I am willing to place bets right now that in about 2-3 months - this still won't be enough. Why do I have this attitude - because this has been going on for over a year and I have given him everything he has ever asked for when it comes to making him happy and as of this past weekend - he IS STILL NOT HAPPY!

lisagw411

Mavash - it's not and as of our last conversation I just threw up my hands and said I was done - "I'm out" - I told him this was his problem and he needed to figure out what he wants and let me know. I am sick and tired of trying and it is never good enough.

lisagw411

PooDoo - I have constantly reminded my husband that his happiest comes first. I have constantly told him that I will drop whatever I am doing if he needs me BUT he won't do it! He just wants to whine about it. I have told him my door is always open (even when I am working) and still he complains. I have offered everything that I can think of - that is why I am on this forum. I am out of ideas and out of patience.

lisagw411

Prodigal - he wanted a child as much as I did - actually more. He was the one talking about kids - I wanted to wait until we had been married for awhile. Yes, he was always this needy. I remember he was upset that I use to come home from work and just wanted to relax for awhile - he complained that we were more like roommates than a married couple and wanted to be around me all the time. I gave in and I guess now he wants that type of attention again.

Tall Average Guy

I would suggest looking for the His Needs Her Needs questionaire (just Google it). It is a quick survey that you both fill out to figure out what needs are most important. It helps you focus on the primary needs so that you (and him) can avoid wasting effort. For example, if he needs physical touch, while words of affirmation are low on his list, then I see a lot of what you are doing just won't be recieved the way you intend.

lisagw411

THAT IS BRILLIANT!! THANK YOU! I will do that - excellent idea. Since he can't seem to tell me what he wants this will point him in the right direction. Thank you Tall Average Guy!

VostroDH

Tall Guy, I agree--the book is worth getting too.

PooDoo

Sorry for some poor assmptions, it sounds like you are treating him well as far as giving him priority. Just a question - sex 1 (or 2) times a week? This may be part of the problem. Early in our marriage it was 4/5 times per week (sometimes 2x per day - oh to be young again!). Guys feel really conencted with their w when they have sex (duty sex not-so-much). Like someone else posted - sex isn't just sex for most married guys - it means much much much more (it's important to understand this). Maybe try up'ing the activity would help. I used to get all crazy when not satisfied in this area. Time - yes it will take time. Giving him some of your awake time for this would mean alot to him I'm sure. Just a thought! The his needs her needs questionaire was a real eye opener for me. Good luck!

Enginerd

I tell my oldest son and our young male relatives to enjoy and extend the time with their wives before kids. I always point out the following:

When you have a child you become your wife's second priority.

When you buy a house you become your wife's third priority.

When you get a dog you become your wifes fourth priority.

Marriage is not for sissy's and make sure you REALLY WANT CHILDREN!

lisagw411

Thank you everyone. Used the His Needs Her Needs questionnaires which caused him to focus on his needs and own up to them. Found a reasonable solution to sexual fulfillment (which apparently is the root cause to all of his problems) and he is actually going to try to learn to do as I asked and approach me when he needs quality time instead of making excuses and then whining about it. Thanks again and wish me luck on regaining my sanity.