Need help with my needy husband
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

General Relationship Discussion Although anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.

Like Tree8Likes

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 04-24-2012, 01:34 PM   #1 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 19
Default Need help with my needy husband

I am clueless as to what I should do and appreciate any outside advice. Here is my situation (apologizing in advance for the length). My husband is very high maintenance and incredibly needy. After a conversation we had this past weekend - he is upset that our life isn't what it use to be before our son was born. In a nutshell - he is jealous that his son gets more attention from me than he does. How is our life now? We have a 2 year old son who was recently diagnosed with autism. I am a work from home mom who spends five days out of my week dealing with four different therapist while trying to complete my hours for work. I designate Saturday as family day so all three of us can do things together and we focus on trying to play catch-up and getting things done around the house on sundays. I can't even find time for myself and yet I have a husband who is complaining that I am not making enough time for him. We agreed on trying to do quality time at least once a month were I would set work aside (getting up early the next day to make up the hours) and just spend time with him. That isn't enough. I spend the weekend mornings in bed with him before our son gets up (still not enough for him). I have no idea what to do. I am spread so thin and he wants more and is not happy. It is getting to the point that I just don't even care anymore. Please help...
lisagw411 is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 04-24-2012, 02:05 PM   #2 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,631
Default Re: Need help with my needy husband

We all make time for what is important to us. My wife is so incredibly busy that even if there were 10 extra hours in each day, she would still not have time for me with all the stuff she has to do.

I would suggest that if your husband has, for example, an hour a day he could free up for "couple time" and you have none, maybe he could do a half hour of your duties each day and you could spend that saved half hour with him in the remainder of his one hour allocation.

That is not the way we do it at our house. My wife is just really not into relationship.
Ten_year_hubby is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-24-2012, 02:09 PM   #3 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 19
Default Re: Need help with my needy husband

I have offered to sit and work while he plays video games just so we are in the room together - no good enough. I even put our son in his room during dinner time just so we have that time alone together (even if it is just for 10-15 minutes) - still not good enough. Unfortunately, I am not able to share my duties with him but would love to find a compromising way to not feel pulled in all directions. It just seems that whatever I come up with is not good enough. He wants more time and attention than our son - simply as that (his words not mine).
lisagw411 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-24-2012, 02:16 PM   #4 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 6,178
Default Re: Need help with my needy husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by lisagw411 View Post
My husband is very high maintenance and incredibly needy.
Men like this should not have kids.
Mavash. is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-24-2012, 02:24 PM   #5 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,631
Default Re: Need help with my needy husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by lisagw411 View Post
He wants more time and attention than our son - simply as that (his words not mine).
He can want what he wants, but that's really not feasible or even good family policy. A period of 30 to 60 minutes of undivided attention on a daily basis should be sufficient for anyone.
Ten_year_hubby is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-24-2012, 02:24 PM   #6 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: IL
Posts: 3,681
Default Re: Need help with my needy husband

If he wants more time, then you should ask him what he suggests. Simply stating, "I want more time and attention than our son" is vague. Ask him to help you make him happy, and offer some suggestions on how you can split your time so that your sons needs and his needs are being tended to.
A Bit Much is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-24-2012, 02:31 PM   #7 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 19
Default Re: Need help with my needy husband

Unfortunately I don't have 30 to 60 minutes to give on a daily basis. When I am not taking care of my son I am working - I do still have a full-time job even though it is a work from home position. As soon as my son goes to sleep I go to work. I have asked my husband for suggestions - he doesn't have any. He just wants to complain but doesn't want to help me resolve it. This last time I was so fed up I just told him to figure out what he wants and get back to me - this was his problem not mine since I have tried to come up with suggestions but they are never good enough.
lisagw411 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-24-2012, 02:36 PM   #8 (permalink)
Member
 
LovesHerMan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 1,330
Default Re: Need help with my needy husband

I agree; he is the one complaining, so he should come up with a solution that you both can agree on.

One other thought--how is your sex life? If he feels satisfied in that area, he may not complain so much about attention the rest of the day.
LovesHerMan is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-24-2012, 02:39 PM   #9 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 2,684
Default Re: Need help with my needy husband

You should not be a full time worker and a full time care provider to a minor child.

You should set up your life so your husband gets what he needs from his wife, you get what you need from your husband, and you both jointly raise your chilren in a warm, loving, and happy environment.
Hicks is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-24-2012, 02:39 PM   #10 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: IL
Posts: 3,681
Default Re: Need help with my needy husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by lisagw411 View Post
Unfortunately I don't have 30 to 60 minutes to give on a daily basis. When I am not taking care of my son I am working - I do still have a full-time job even though it is a work from home position. As soon as my son goes to sleep I go to work. I have asked my husband for suggestions - he doesn't have any. He just wants to complain but doesn't want to help me resolve it. This last time I was so fed up I just told him to figure out what he wants and get back to me - this was his problem not mine since I have tried to come up with suggestions but they are never good enough.
Well let me ask this...

Before the child how was he? How much time did you spend together?

I ask because sometimes we create our own problems. If you doted and catered to his needs without hesitation in the past, he's expecting you to continue that. It's the dynamic that was in place all along and he's resistant to the changes.
A Bit Much is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-24-2012, 02:40 PM   #11 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 19
Default Re: Need help with my needy husband

That is a failure as well at the moment. He was complaining that we weren't having sex enough - ok fine. It went from 1-2 a month to once a week (sometimes twice a week depending on how exhausted I was from the weekly schedule). Still not good enough - not happy with that - wants more and it needs to be a bigger deal with more excitement and more foreplay (on his part - apparently he isn't getting enough foreplay). I really wish I was making this up but I am not kidding - this is what caused the last "I'm not happy" discussion this past weekend. He is upset because I am not as excited as he is or want it as much or don't anticipate it as much as he does. To him it is suppose to be the grand culmination of us finally finding time for each other and all our of pent up passion coming out at this one moment. To me...it's just sex. I am not trying to mean when I say this but I sometimes feel like the guy in my marriage.
lisagw411 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-24-2012, 02:44 PM   #12 (permalink)
Member
 
LovesHerMan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 1,330
Default Re: Need help with my needy husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by lisagw411 View Post
That is a failure as well at the moment. He was complaining that we weren't having sex enough - ok fine. It went from 1-2 a month to once a week (sometimes twice a week depending on how exhausted I was from the weekly schedule). Still not good enough - not happy with that - wants more and it needs to be a bigger deal with more excitement and more foreplay (on his part - apparently he isn't getting enough foreplay). I really wish I was making this up but I am not kidding - this is what caused the last "I'm not happy" discussion this past weekend. He is upset because I am not as excited as he is or want it as much or don't anticipate it as much as he does. To him it is suppose to be the grand culmination of us finally finding time for each other and all our of pent up passion coming out at this one moment. To me...it's just sex. I am not trying to mean when I say this but I sometimes feel like the guy in my marriage.
This may be the key to your problem. Many guys feel loved and connected to their wives through their sex lives. Do you show him that you want and desire him?
LovesHerMan is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-24-2012, 02:47 PM   #13 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 19
Default Re: Need help with my needy husband

A Bit Much - you are so close to the truth you have no idea. It wasn't catering to his needs but he got most of my attention. When I came home from work we spent time together. We did whatever we wanted on the weekends. He didn't have to share me so there wasn't any competition. We were free to go on weekend vacations and just have a good time. You are absolutely right - when our son came along most of that had to stop because I was taking care of him. When he was diagnosed with autism everything else had to stop because daycare was no longer a possibility for him (long story involving the director of the center...blah blah blah) and my week started to fill out with therapy sessions.

He said the same thing - he wanted our life before because (as you said) he is resistant to accepting that he isn't the primary focus now.
lisagw411 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-24-2012, 02:50 PM   #14 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 19
Default Re: Need help with my needy husband

Lovesherman - I am not going to lie. I show him that I love him but desire him...I am sorry but no. I am tired like you wouldn't believe by the end of my day and the only thing I desire is the opportunity to sleep in without having my child wake up screaming, to enjoy a meal with having my son throw a tantrum in the middle of it, and to have a week where I don't have five different therapist in my house. The last thing I care about (and even want) is sex. I tell him how much I love him, I give him compliments all the time and tell him that I find him attractive, I tell him how gorgeous he is, I flirt with him, and as I said before I muscle up every little ounce of strength I have to have sex once a week. If he wants/needs more than that then I quit.
lisagw411 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-24-2012, 02:53 PM   #15 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: IL
Posts: 3,681
Default Re: Need help with my needy husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by lisagw411 View Post
A Bit Much - you are so close to the truth you have no idea. It wasn't catering to his needs but he got most of my attention. When I came home from work we spent time together. We did whatever we wanted on the weekends. He didn't have to share me so there wasn't any competition. We were free to go on weekend vacations and just have a good time. You are absolutely right - when our son came along most of that had to stop because I was taking care of him. When he was diagnosed with autism everything else had to stop because daycare was no longer a possibility for him (long story involving the director of the center...blah blah blah) and my week started to fill out with therapy sessions.

He said the same thing - he wanted our life before because (as you said) he is resistant to accepting that he isn't the primary focus now.
Was it a planned pregnancy?

This isn't an uncommon situation. I know plenty of men who feel pangs of jealousy over how the children get more attention from their wives than they do. They aren't as vocal about it as your husband, but they have resentment. Are they just selfish? Maybe. I guess I understand it to a certain extent. They want their wife back. The fun, have sex whenever wherever girl they married.
A Bit Much is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Depressed wife, needy husband Pinacle47 Physical & Mental Health Issues 5 11-30-2012 10:56 AM
He says I'm being needy. I'm angry! walkingwounded The Men's Clubhouse 29 10-22-2011 09:53 AM
Is this considered too needy? losthope32 The Ladies' Lounge 10 05-12-2011 11:22 AM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 06:43 PM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage