General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
View Poll Results: What's the most likely scenario?
Maybe you DO need to install a 'keylogger' on her computer now; after all, it WAS her idea!
Dead on. I can't imagine being suspicious that my husband would check my email, or that he would install software on my computer. It would never enter my mind...because I have nothing to hide.
BTW, my email is unpassworded on our unpassworded joint computer. My husband has read emails when Outlook was up and open on the screen. That's because I could care less if he reads ALL of my emails.
My husband--the one in the long-term EA--on the other hand, kept his phone glued to his hand, even slept with it under his pillow, and there was always a password on it. When I needed his phone, he'd always go, oops, let me check my emails, and then quickly do something that I now know was deleting his texts to his EA partner. I trusted him completely and never ever checked his phone--and this was AFTER I discovered his EA and thought it was all over. I guess I thought I should trust him--but I was completely uneducated when it came to EAs.
Then one day he accidentally texted me instead of her, and it all unravelled. I wish someone had been urging me to check up, but I had no understanding at all of EAs, how they start, how they thrive, how they function. That is water under the bridge now...
I am not your wife, obviously, but I am also very protective of my computer for no particular reason. I don't let my husband onto my laptop but my email also downloads onto our other computer which he could go straight into if he chose to. I just trust he respects that I like to keep my email private and doesn't. Not that he'd find anything interesting in there.
But would you jump to the conclusion that he's installed spy software if you're computer was acting funny? Would you ask him if he'd checked your email if somehow things didn't line up on your email account? That would never occur to me no matter how private I was with my computer. Together with everything else, it's very odd, to say the least.
Apart from checking her phone I can't see how... I guess my thinking (maybe naive) is that if I can't find a way to get her to be honest then something's wrong with the relationship.
YES, THERE IS ALREADY SOMETHING VERY WRONG WITH YOUR RELATIONSHIP.
AND, YES, YOU ARE IN DENIAL.
You have every right to remain out there in laa-laa land, or you can confront her. And why would you do that? She is already hiding someone/something from you. And from this you expect the truth?
I hate to rock the boat and rock your world, but if it's honesty you want, you WILL start digging to find answers.
Nobody conceals their phone and holding it at weird angles while he's next to her in bed like she's doing right unless they have something to hide. That's not rocket science. Posted via Mobile Device
Alright, what you guys said makes a lot of sense. It seems like it's completely about her phone these days... Is the smart move to just pick a time when she's acting suspicious and then call her out and tell her she shows me the phone or else? She keeps the phone on her (takes it with her in the bathroom even!) so I wouldn't have much of a chance to snoop even if I wanted to.
Incidentally the sex stuff has gone from bad to better, but it's definitely not the same. The emotional connection is lacking.
I'd consider the following:
1. Possibly she is communicating with someone she doesn't want you to know about (possibly in the form of an EA, possibly not).
2. She has a personal issue she is getting support for online and doesn't want you to know about it or isn't able to share it with you (email support group or something).
3. She feels vulnerable being abroad without established roots and support and is feeling insecure which has made her a bit distrustful.
4. She has an interest she doesn't want you to know about (might be embarrassed about it).
5. She really does want privacy.
6. One other.
I am not your wife, obviously, but I am also very protective of my computer for no particular reason. I don't let my husband onto my laptop but my email also downloads onto our other computer which he could go straight into if he chose to. I just trust he respects that I like to keep my email private and doesn't. Not that he'd find anything interesting in there.
Thanks, I think some of these suggestions are plausible for sure. She didn't act this way for 6-7 years so it's not just how she is around the computer-- there's no question something has changed. I really hope it's a support group or something-- while I don't have a candidate for who another man would be, I can certainly think of plenty of women she's been in heavy contact with. That said, it's the behavior right at the beginning of our trip that really concerns me-- the fact that the threads stretch back that far and that, even after we've gotten better she's still exhibiting the same baseline behavior she was before we got into the mess.
No, I wouldn't jump to that conclusion but if he did go into my email I would be a bit irritated. He knows I prefer to keep it private (and sometimes I order his birthday presents etc online so that would spoil the surprise).
I also wouldn't want my husband snooping through my phone but I wouldn't object if he needed to look for a contact number and went to my phone to get it. And at times I've asked him to check an incoming message for me.
This was the sort of relationship we had before summer 2011. We weren't openly sharing everything but there was a casualness about our property that indicated that we didn't have anything to hide. That changing has been the big concern for me, but you can see the additional problem it creates because it's hard to argue about casualness. Though I guess the 45 degree angle thing is pretty emphatically not-casual.
Anyway though, I would still love to find a solution to this that doesn't involve violating this trust. It was such a great thing when we had it and, weirdly, checking her phone would just feel like such a breach of that. That said she almost certainly violating this trust in some form or another, I realize :-/
Sorry to post three times in a row. You don't realize what a big help it's been having this thread and getting this off my chest. I mean, I'm abroad too and don't have anyone to talk to about this (and got pretty depressed this winter myself). Thanks so much everyone.
[Is the smart move to just pick a time when she's acting suspicious and then call her out and tell her she shows me the phone or else?
You could do this. Trip her up. But don't make it obvious. For instance, the next time you're in bed and she hold sher phone at a weird angle away from you, snuggle up to her and hug her and see her reaction. If she gets weird or puts her phone down/turns it off and acts surprised, tell her "What are you doing? Talking to a boyfriend?" as you kiss her neck. Her reaction to that moment where you hug up on her and say those words to her is going to be very telling. Thing is, you have to do it in a non-menacing way. If she averts her eyes to the side it means she's thinking about what you've said.
Quote:
Originally Posted by speaksoftly
She keeps the phone on her (takes it with her in the bathroom even!) so I wouldn't have much of a chance to snoop even if I wanted to.
This is the HOLY GRAIL of red flags.
You say she's been acting suspect for a year. Your gut is telling you something is off. It's probably right. When someone that is close to us starts acting different--we pick up on it STAT.
Question: does she have passcodes on her phone?
Maybe she's planning a surprise for you...but what are the odds there is a surprise for you that is taking nearly a year to plan? Cause you said she started acting funny in the summer. Well, it's spring now.
Taking her phone into the bathroom--red flag.
You REALLY need to get a copy of her call logs. I know you said you're worried about breaching trust but this is your marriage--you have a right to protect it and to know what's going on in it.
And maybe she's not cheating, and for your sake, I hope she's not. But as someone who has cheated (and I am not proud of that), I was doing the things your wife is.
Normal spouses have conversations about the problems in their lives. There should be no part of your life that only a "mysterious support group" knows about. Even if you do get help from a support group that your husband can't provide, why can't your husband know about the problem in general??? I find any other suggestion bizarre. I am concerned that enoughisenough's suggestions are stretching plausibility to the limit here.
Here's the thing: a healthy marriage is about openness. It's about honesty. It's about sharing. Your wife has clearly created a secret parallel life of some kind with her emails and texts. I don't care if it's an imaginary one with Mickey Mouse, the point is, whoever is a the other end of those emails and texts is now the repository of her fears, hopes, and dreams. Her husband has been shut out for a long time of a huge part of her life.
We're just speculating about what's at the other end of this because WE DON'T KNOW. But truly, how much does that matter?
Again, direct confrontation doesn't work for emotional affairs. If that's what it is, she is already floating off in a fantasy land that doesn't include you. She will go very far to protect that fantasy--her bathroom texting being just a tiny example.
You are worried about pushing her away by 'snooping.' But she is already gone...
Does no good ever come out of just asking straight up? I guess I already tried this, but I really don't want to dig for proof.
Well yes... but did you ask the right question? One obvious question is based upon a rather thin structure of maybes and what-ifs. The less obvious question is based upon absolute fact.
I'd have asked, "Why do you feel the need to hide from me? Why am I suddenly not 'safe' for you?"
Thanks Jeff, Jellybeans and everyone. I definitely feel compelled to try and do this--at first--by asking the right questions or doing the right tricks (ala Jeff and Jellybeans' suggestions.) My thinking is that if I have to find an affair by digging then, for me, the relationship is over. If there's some way she can be honest with me, even if I force her hand to some degree, then I have some hope.
Jeff/BC is right on the money! Asking her if she has a 'boyfriend' is NOT going to get you the answer. She can always justify it as 'well, we've never kissed/been intimate so he isn't a BF...just a friend'.
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Re: Should I be suspicious 
