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Hello everyone. I've got an issue that I could REALLY use some advice on. I'm sorry that this post is a little long but I keep to only the relevant facts. Any advice or thoughts is greatly appreciated.
I recently moved abroad with my wife of 7 years (actually wife of 2 years,close live-in girlfriend of 5.) The summer before we left a few strange things happened. She changed her password on her laptop (we shared laptops as needed and certainly didn't lock each other out of anything but our emails.) Then a week or two later she asked if I had logged into her email while she was at work (I hadn't.) These were bizarre behaviors but she played off both instances and I let it go. My reasoning was that we'd be in such close quarters the following year that if anything was up it would reveal itself, and for that matter I didn't figure it'd be anything much. She's a good person and we've had a great relationship.
So we arrive overseas and we're laying in bed each on our laptops one morning and she refuses to login to email in my sight. She gets out of bed and moves saying that she just felt a sudden need for privacy that she can't explain. Once again, I let this go-- our relationship still feels strong.
Then over the winter things get tough, our personal relationship starts to suffer (various things, I'll detail if people think it's important) and she admits to "pulling away a little bit." Throughout January and February she goes to bed later than I do, stays up on her phone ostensibly playing words with friends, wears heavy pajamas and won't make much physical contact with me. She indicates that she doesn't feel depressed but that "there is an issue" with me and that I'm "not crazy" for thinking so. She won't give any more detail and basically responds that "it's tough living abroad."
I confront her telling her I know something's up but I don't know what it is (I didn't handle this well, but just in a foot-in-mouth way; I'm not abusive at all or anything.) She says it's a problem that I don't trust her, and that it's tough living abroad (which of course it is, but I don't see how that explains what I'm seeing.)
So now we've patched things up and everything is roughly back to normal. We're getting along and being nice to each other. However the weird behavior continues a bit-- she's insinuated that I put something on her computer (which I haven't and wouldn't-- or else I wouldn't be posting in here obviously), she checks her phone in the morning at a 45 degree angle away from me with the phone close to her face, and a few other weird things. I don't call her out on this behavior because, ultimately, I want to know that something's wrong and not just make her better at hiding things.
Needless to say, none of that stuff has been present in our relationship for the 7 preceding years. We don't share email passwords but we happily check email in front of each other until now. We aren't suspicious or jealous generally. Not that it matters but I've never cheated (or come anywhere close) and I'm very aware of boundaries with female friends.
Alright so all of that sounds bad. Here's the "good" stuff:
1. She definitely loves me and wants to be with me and is making a huge sacrifice to be out here. She is also following me elsewhere next year, not the easy decision for her, but one she is making without hesitation really.
2. There isn't anything else suspicious, like absences or weird trips or anything. It's not like to be more than an EA.
Once again, any advice here would help. As I typed it it sounded pretty bad, but I need a 3rd party opinion. Let me know if there any further questions I can answer to help the advice. Am I right to worry? What should I do?
2. There isn't anything else suspicious, like absences or weird trips or anything. It's not like to be more than an EA.
You are going to get some pretty emotional responses to this. Nothing more than an EA is what you assume. That may very well be right. THE THING IS, THERE IS NOW A THIRD PARTY SHARING IN YOUR MARRIAGE.
Your wife is telling someone intimate details about your relationship, her dissatisfaction with said relationship, and possibly sharing photos in various degrees of dress (or undress). An EA can be just as bad as a PA. There are people on here who can attest to that.
All the signs are there. Okay, it could be a female friend to whom she is complaining. But I seriously doubt it. Here's my bottom line on this: she is hiding SOMETHING. And it has to do with communications with someone else. Not good in a marriage. Yes, she is going along with overseas moves, but let me ask you this: how is your sex life? Same? Better? Worse?
An EA destroys trust in a marriage, because your spouse is confiding problems, issues, and other information to someone other than her spouse. Yes, I have close gf's with whom I share personal stuff. But we don't really hide our text msgs. or emails from our spouses.
Time to do some checking. An EA is NOT good for your marriage.
Thank you very much prodigal. My hope is that the first three incidents were isolated coincidences (the ones from before we came over here.) And now she is complaining about me to one of her girlfriends (actually I'm sure that one's true it's just a question of whether that's the whole truth. The problem, of course, is that I know her girlfriends and having an email from them in her inbox wouldn't be suspicious at all (she certainly wouldn't need to read it in front of me.) So I can't shake the feeling that it's a name I'd ask about.
Does no good ever come out of just asking straight up? I guess I already tried this, but I really don't want to dig for proof.
Thank you very much prodigal. My hope is that the first three incidents were isolated coincidences (the ones from before we came over here.) And now she is complaining about me to one of her girlfriends (actually I'm sure that one's true it's just a question of whether that's the whole truth. The problem, of course, is that I know her girlfriends and having an email from them in her inbox wouldn't be suspicious at all (she certainly wouldn't need to read it in front of me.) So I can't shake the feeling that it's a name I'd ask about.
Does no good ever come out of just asking straight up? I guess I already tried this, but I really don't want to dig for proof.
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Apart from checking her phone I can't see how... I guess my thinking (maybe naive) is that if I can't find a way to get her to be honest then something's wrong with the relationship. Anyway I'll sleep on it. Thank you for the advice everyone, and please keep it coming and ask any follow-ups if need be.
I'm off to be (it's late here) but I'll check this tomorrow.
I'm surprised you're asking for advice if you don't want to dig.
There are many red flags--she won't let you see her phone?
I've read of people entering EAs through the precise word games you describe.
You need to understand something: people who are in EAs are cheating. They've checked out of the marriage and have created a secret, private, parallel fantasy life. They are sharing their hopes / dreams / fears with someone other than you. If you're ok with that, then don't dig any further.
But clearly it bothers you. Someone who is keeping secrets when they shouldn't is essentially a LIAR. It is hopeless to ask a liar directly, because all you will get is lies.
For some reason, many people have to start to drown (i.e., fully understand that they are on the brink of losing their marriage) before they are willing to "dig" for confirmation of their gut feelings. Please don't be one of those people.
BTW, if you find evidence, don't confront her immediately--if she is in an EA, confronting too early will cause her to find alternate means of communicating that will take it deeper underground. Then she can tell you it's nothing and it's all ok while keeping her parallel life on the side--and you will have little choice but to believe that until she slips again.
Apart from checking her phone I can't see how... I guess my thinking (maybe naive) is that if I can't find a way to get her to be honest then something's wrong with the relationship. Anyway I'll sleep on it. Thank you for the advice everyone, and please keep it coming and ask any follow-ups if need be.
I'm off to be (it's late here) but I'll check this tomorrow.
Yes of course there's something wrong with the relationship. Yes of course it's ridiculous that you should have to ask your own wife to show you the cell phone without being made to feel like you're the one with the problem and maybe you're a little insane.
Another common tactic for hiding an EA is to label the spouse as controlling. This seems to be particularly effective when used on husbands--god forbid anyone call them that. The label has the amazing effect of controlling the husband. So watch for this.
This is the thing: you can't fix your marriage if your wife has entered this secret parallel relationship. Yes, there's generally problems in a marriage where one spouse has entered an EA. But they have to exit the EA BEFORE there's any fixing to be done.
Just so you understand, I have lots of ideas for fixing marriages that are working for me (happily reconciled to my husband who was in a long-term EA). But you need to trust your gut here. You want to find an easy way out of this, but direct confrontation without any evidence never works, if your worst fears are true.
Your gut is there for a reason. Listen to it. Unless she's planning a surprise party for you, she is displaying the classic signs of a cheater. You've already notified her she's acting strange which means she's going to be more careful now. DO NOT ask her anymore or bring it up while you dig.. The change in her behavior is a red flag. Is she on Facebook? If so, find out if there's someone who cooments to her a lot or likes all her posts and vice versa. Follow her Words with Friends trail. Anyone on there she plays a lot Get acopy of her call logs and texts. Is there a number that shows up a lot?? Posted via Mobile Device
Sounds like there's not much communication going on in your marriage.
If you feel something's up why don't you try and ask her to share her feelings with you.
Obviously her behavior is weird but when she started checking her emails in privacy and said "I need privacy", If I were you I'd kindly ask: "why are you saying this...? what's wrong? Talk to me? Do you feel like I'm invading your privacy?"
You sound like you let a lot of things slide. I'm not saying you should have pressured her and I understand when you say you don't want her to to know that you're being suspicious it's just that you sounded calm when you should have been wondering when she first stared acting weird.
Here's the problem with an EA, she's living in a fantasy world (as someone else pointed out). She's going to be comparing REAL life with you to FANTASY life with him, and you're always going to come up short!
FantasyMan doesn't stink up the bathroom, or scratch himself, or drop his clothes all over the floor, or the millions of other annoying actions that happen in REAL LIFE. FantasyMan doesn't have to listen to her snore, put up with her b!tchiness, or deal with her temper. Their love is PURE and untainted by the ups and downs of everyday life living with another person. They're ALWAYS in a good mood with each other. They never have those pesky annoying bills/in-laws/daily stresses that happen in the REAL WORLD...they're living in FANTASYLAND. OF COURSE, it's going to look wonderful and rosy. Pretty soon it's going to start to look SO wonderful and rosy that she is going to wonder why she even puts up with you (she'll only focus on the annoying, cr*ppy traits you have, not the good ones.)
'Just an EA' is the first (very large) step down a slippery slope to "ILYBINILWY." Just because she's agreed to move with you next year, doesn't mean she can't/won't change her mind by then, especially as she is already unhappy with living abroad.
Take the advice to start snooping. Maybe you DO need to install a 'keylogger' on her computer now; after all, it WAS her idea!
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Should I be suspicious 
it's just a question of whether that's the whole truth. The problem, of course, is that I know her girlfriends and having an email from them in her inbox wouldn't be suspicious at all (she certainly wouldn't need to read it in front of me.) So I can't shake the feeling that it's a name I'd ask about. 
