General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Ok, for those who havent read my other posts, my husband left me Feb. 20th after 13 yrs. of marriage. (after I caught him having an EA).Hes having an EA with a woman he works with, who is still married AND has a boyfriend; she also talks/texts with another man(or more) and my husband. The boyfriend also works with them. ANYWAY, he was at our home yesterday, TOOK A SHOWER, ASKED FOR --X(which I didn't do), and swore he wasn't having --x with her. I went out to his truck while he was in the shower and found his cell phone!! he doesn't know this. I read some of his messages from/to her...I was shaking so bad at the thought of him catching me, but he didn't, thank God. She was saying "i'm only wearing a black thong" and another one said " only a little jewelry"...she even told him her boyfriend was at her house this wknd.!! Does she get off by teasing other peoples husbands??!!! Also, she said "thanks for the eats(yuck)" so I guess he took her lunch to work. I was absolutely crushed!! any advice/comments would be greatly appreciated. P.S. --he left shortly after that, probably because he didn't get the --x. HELP!!!
I am telling you... Keep his ass out of the house. He has no business coming in to shower, shave, sleep, eat, laundry... NOTHING!
CHANGE... THE... LOCKS!
This man has NO BUSINESS coming into the house AT ALL... EVER! Either he WANTS to be with you or he DOESN'T. If he DOESN'T, then he needs to pound sand! it's that simple. he is only doing this to you because you are allowing it!
if he can't make up his mind, then you make it up for him: "You either drop the games and treat me like a wife, or leave this house and never come back again. You make up your mind before you walk out the door or I will make it up for you tomorrow at the lawyer's office."
I don't mean to sound harsh, but that's the long and short of it.
I don't mean to sound mean or anything but you sound very insecure. Like the previous post said, you shouldn't put up with this under ANY circumstances. You deserve to have a husband that respects you. You shouldn't have to worry about what he doing with other women. In my mind, he already made his choice the moment he let you find out about the other woman. This is self inflicted abuse, you are allowing all this to because I am thinking that deep down inside you think you deserve this pain and suffering. Figure out why you are putting up with this.
I have been in your shoes and although I can say it wasn't easy to dump the a##hole, even when you are broken up it will still affect you. But, it takes strength and self-esteem to pull yourself away from somebody like that both physically and mentally. It would be wise to find some support of some sort and get AWAY from this "man". Get away from his drama...you're better than that! Stay at family member or friend's place. Don't make yourself so readily available to him. Change your phone number. Seek financial asistance if you don't have anywhere to go or any money, I am sure there are places that can help you. Women's shelters will not turn you away. Don't answer his emails. Only speak to him under the understanding that it is about your child and THAT'S IT!. Cut all contact with you.
This is abuse and you have more power than you think. Take care. I hope all goes well for you in the near future!
How about - honey, I would love to have sex with you you beast! Then say 'but I want to know i'm yours and you are mine'. I know all about the Txt'ing that is going on between you and X, I saw it in the truck.
I want your mind and body on me, not her. Which do you want? Then let him speak. If he says anything other than - ok, i'll dump her and prove it to you (or similar) i'd say that's not good enough for me. I want my love and my sex to go to someone that wants only me. I want it to be my husband, you. However, if you don't want me for yourself I'll go find someone that does.
Love ya - please feel free to come shower again when you've made up your mind. *click*
Having gone thru a WORLD of BS over the last few years, telling it like it is - including oh by the way i looked at your cell phone in the truck and guess what I found? is absolutely nessecary.
BUT. hiding your feelings, hiding your knowledge, hiding what you really want to say won't help anybody.
The attitude of "this is what I want and need and I am giving you a chance to let you be the person I need but I'm not going to pretend I don't know what's going on"
is crucial.
Tell him what you will and won't put up with.
Give him a chance to be the person you want.
Don't put up with anything less.
Let him make the choice.
Your hiding your knowledge of the other woman (when he obviously wants to be caught)
Your denying him sex when he came to you for it (he could obviously have gone to her)
Well, I guess I am insecure..anyone would be after 13 yrs. of abuse with about 6mos. total of being treated decent. I have been thru the ringer with him, he is always in control. So I'm trying to act mature, but its not always easy. I don't think he has any intention on coming home. I have my good strong moments and my horrible weak moments, which I'm sure is normal. Anyway, right now I feel like --it.
You have low self esteem honey. Kick this loser out of your life. You need to take care of yourself. He's not to come into your house under any circumstances. If he hurts you like this cut him out of your life. He's made some VERY bad choices. Especially getting involved with a skank like his "friend". I'm glad you turned him down for sex. God knows what he's got if he's been with a tramp like that. Love yourself today and know you're better than that loser.
Thanks for the kind words, 1nurse. Its funny, because I refer to her as a "skank" all the time, and he rolls his eyes at me. I can't believe he's done this to me. If I could tell my story in detail about every way hes hurt me and everything he's done to me, I could make millions on a book deal. My life with him has been a lifetime movie. And he still continues to hurt me. I am going to a lawyer on Thursday..I know decisions have to be made and I'm so scared. I look at him sometimes and my heart aches.. I just want him to love me; Then other times, I look at him in a way I never have... like he's become such a liar and a different man. I know our marriage was bad, but I never thought it would come to this. I always thought I would be the one to leave and break free from the abuse after all these years. That I would come out on top. He still asks why I told him to leave and to find someone else. I only said that out of anger and hurt because we're different in a lot of ways. I just couldn't take it anymore. But I didn't realize how dependant on him I had become over the years. Everything I did was for HIM every day. I lived to take care of him and my girls, and even his son when he'd come to visit. He knew he had it good with me. I did everything he asked of me and went above and beyond, even in the bedroom. I was the submissive/dependant/obedient etc. doormat to him forever and a day. I guess where I went wrong in his eyes is when I gained strength. Thats when he lost control of me, and I stood up to him. I know I need counseling. I have to do something before I crack up. So many unanswered questions..so many words left unsaid. If I could do it all over, I'd go back in time and fix every wrong we did to each other, take back every unkind word/action. I feel like I let him down. I know it sounds crazy... I'll never get through to him, as no one can and I know him better than anyone does. Should I give it one more chance? Should I try to reach him one more time?? God only knows what will happen here..I must sound like I'm going off the deep end...
Let me tell you... I am the KING of "Insecure". snix is absolutely correct! Don't be afraid of him finding out that you have been through his phone! Do you think that he hasn't looked through YOUR stuff when you weren't looking?
He HAS already made his decision. He needs to come back to you on his knees, begging for you to forgive him before you do ANYTHING for him. And know that even at that, he doesn't deserve you OR your forgiveness.
I hate to seem harsh, but game-playing ALWAYS makes someone miserable. In this case, he is playing games and you are losing them. You are paying with your emotions!
(BTW, and totally unrelated... I LOVE the name "snix" It makes me smile everytime I see it!)
he says she's just a friend... 
Re: he says she's just a friend... 
Kick this loser out of your life. You need to take care of yourself. He's not to come into your house under any circumstances. If he hurts you like this cut him out of your life. He's made some VERY bad choices. Especially getting involved with a skank like his "friend". I'm glad you turned him down for sex. God knows what he's got if he's been with a tramp like that. Love yourself today and know you're better than that loser.
Re: he says she's just a friend... 
