Should I be worried?
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Old 04-24-2012, 11:56 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Should I be worried?

Now i know this has been discussed time after time but I just need some advice from my point of view. My wife and I have been together for 8 years, married for 4 we are both 28 and have a 2 yr old son. I would love to say every year has been great but we've had so many ups and downs I lose track of the good times. Now in the past three years, ive been in and out of hospitals because of some major health issues, and obviously i've missed out on a lot of work. She supported me through the majority of my illness but towards my recovery I slipped into a major depression. I was virtually emotionless for 3 months. By this i mean i actually stayed at my friends house and told her I just needed to be with friends. She was extremely upset and overly loving towards me during the time i didnt want it, she told me she only needed me and she didnt need to go out with friends. I never cheated on her and i never would but for obvious reasons she was a wreck. That was a year ago and i recovered and learned it was the medication that i was on that caused me to feel that way, because once i stopped it i went back to being very emotional towards her.
Now we've never been the type that goes out to bars or drinks a lot, but lately ive noticed that shes been wanting to go. She will just send me a message saying I'm going out for a drink with so and so from work, yet that drink takes 2-3hrs. I know i am a jealous person, but only because our relationship isnt very physical. However, i try to express my concerns to her and she just lashes out at me calling me and ******* and shes been working her ass off while ive been sick and doing ****. She has friends that i know and trust, yet she only wants to go out with her work friends. I'm a cop and ive been turning down the guys for years at work because I just dont think its the right thing to do in a marriage. I hang out with mainly 2 people that shes known for our entire relationship and they are just as close as we are. However, its like when i try to bring up, well why dont you hang out with these people that i know, instead of people i've never met. I know it may sound unreasonable to an extent, but this is just the way i treat things. I have never gone out with a group of guys she didnt know. I just dont know what to do anymore. What do you guys think?
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Old 04-24-2012, 11:59 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I be worried?

Post this in Coping with Infidelity forum. You'll get much more feedback there.
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Old 04-25-2012, 12:00 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I be worried?

ok thanks
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Old 04-25-2012, 07:19 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I be worried?

Counseling needs to be brought up. Sounds like she is holding onto some serious resentment from when you shut her out, and distanced herself...
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Old 04-25-2012, 07:39 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I be worried?

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Post this in Coping with Infidelity forum. You'll get much more feedback there.
Why? He's not coping with infidelity from his post.

She probably is harbouring resentment. Have you been able to really sit down and have a good discussion with her? She sounds like she wants to blow off some steam but she needs to realise how fast this can get out of control. If she's going out there with resentment, the easier it is for her to go down the path of an affair.

She may prefer her work friends because they aren't as emotionally involved with your issues as her other friends, or there may be someone she is connecting with.

I understand that you don't know these people. That would make any partner uncomfortable I would be the same. Can you organise a night where you can go out too so you can meet them? Talk to her about boundaries, she may not want to listen right now if she feels you've crossed some for her in the past, but tit for tat isn't going to keep you together. If you can't talk to each other about this, consider counselling. You've had a lot of issues to go through together and she has had to deal with a lot too, so find a way to keep you both together before it falls apart.
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Old 04-25-2012, 07:50 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I be worried?

What's with all of the partying wives all of a sudden? Spring is in the air so it's time to hit the clubs?
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Old 04-25-2012, 07:51 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Why? He's not coping with infidelity from his post.
Maybe not right now, but I can just about guarantee he will be before long.
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Old 04-25-2012, 08:08 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Maybe not right now, but I can just about guarantee he will be before long.
Maybe, but he's not right now so I think he should focus on the other issues going on, instead of only focusing on that what if road. Deal with why she's out as well as what she may or may not be up to.
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Old 04-25-2012, 08:24 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I be worried?

She's out because she'd prefer to be in an environment with alcohol and other men that with her husband. It's simple, really. Let's not overanalyze this one.
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Old 04-25-2012, 09:06 AM   #10 (permalink)
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She's out because she'd prefer to be in an environment with alcohol and other men that with her husband. It's simple, really. Let's not overanalyze this one.
Don't over simplify it either. His whole post is about how he was at his friends house for months while she looked after everything and worried about him. Now when he questions her going out she throws that back at him. Maybe she's cheating, maybe she isn't - the point is she's not going to come back home and talk to him about it until she deals with the resentment. I don't think she's just out for the booze and the men. She's avoiding the issues and he needs to bring them to a front before things get any worse. Either a proper discussion or counselling.
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Old 04-25-2012, 10:23 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Gratitude View Post
Don't over simplify it either. His whole post is about how he was at his friends house for months while she looked after everything and worried about him. Now when he questions her going out she throws that back at him. Maybe she's cheating, maybe she isn't - the point is she's not going to come back home and talk to him about it until she deals with the resentment. I don't think she's just out for the booze and the men. She's avoiding the issues and he needs to bring them to a front before things get any worse. Either a proper discussion or counselling.

Just to clarify a bit, my depression went on for 3 months, i really only spent like 7 days at my friends house in total because i felt guilty and would come home
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Old 04-25-2012, 12:03 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Just to clarify a bit, my depression went on for 3 months, i really only spent like 7 days at my friends house in total because i felt guilty and would come home
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Ok, sorry. Misinterpreted.

The fact that your wife when she is out and you complain about it, throws at you the past when she had to work and you didn't and calls you names means two things: a) she's using it as an excuse to keep doing what she's doing and justify it or b) is resentful and doing it to spite you. You don't know these work people, you don't know what they talk about or what she's telling them. What they're saying about you. It's dangerous territory. She may be blowing off steam and everythings innocent now, but it's a gateway for trouble down the road. At the end of the day, she is out there doing something you're not comforatable with. And she's getting angry at you for questioning her.

Is counselling an option for you? Maybe it will die down on it's own and she'll come around or maybe not. What you need to address is getting her to listen to you.
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Old 04-25-2012, 12:11 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I be worried?

Yea ive been thinking about bringing counseling up. Im gonna see what happens tonight because she told me she was going out for a drink after work and i expressed my concern in a loving manner through texting and she hasnt said anything about it since. So if she ignores me and goes out, im going to tell her that she doesnt care how i feel so we either try to fix it and seek counseling or i will not continue to go through with this and she needs to decide if she wants to be married. She always saying she would never cheat on me and i told her you know what if you never would you wouldnt have to keep telling me. Ill keep you guys updated
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Old 04-26-2012, 08:51 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I be worried?

Giz,

How'd it go last night?

I see a number of issues going on here.

First and most important is that your wife does seem to have some resentment from what happened. Howevr, unless your physical issues were related to something you could have controlled (like an abuse issue) she shouldn't hold this against you. These issues where out of your control

Secondly, you have a young child at home. Why is she out partying?

Also for clarification, how many times a week does she do this?
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Old 04-26-2012, 09:46 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Well she just started doing it and shes told me shes gonna go three times just this past month so its not to bad but last night we had a fight she told me she wasnt gonna go then i text her when shes off work and she says shes still at work, however, i tracked her phone and she just got to the bar and i called her out and she came home. Im just pissed that she lied but to her im a controlling ahole. So needless to say im extremely pissed but like i said shes pissed at me for "running her life"
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