General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
My husband and I have been together for 11 years and married for 9. We have 2 kids. A 5 year old and a 6 year old.
We have always been really touchy and our friends always make comments about how we are like newlyweds. The past 6 months things have been different. There is not my physical touch. I feel rejected by him even though he says he likes when i hug or kiss him. But i dont think so. I have been with him long enough to know.
Our sex life is ok. The sex is good but we don't have sex as much as we use to. Its like once every week and a half to two weeks. It was a least once or twice a week before. Is all of this just a part of being together for so many years? Being intimate is very important to me and i believe this is what has kept us so close for so long. But it is a deal breaker for me. I feel selfish for feeling that way but I feel so alone in even when he is around. Am I wrong to consider leaving if this can't be fixed? This smallest thing he does makes me so upset. I have had to get up and get on the couch during the night for the last 2 or 3 weeks to be able to sleep.
Sorry I don't have an answer for you but if it makes you feel any better I am struggling with the same thing. I need physical touch and my wife has grown to somewhat shun it (not entirely) and I am asking myself the same question you are...
I am sure others will ask if there is a chance he is getting that need met somewhere else?...
My husband and I have been together for 11 years and married for 9. We have 2 kids. A 5 year old and a 6 year old.
We have always been really touchy and our friends always make comments about how we are like newlyweds. The past 6 months things have been different. There is not my physical touch. I feel rejected by him even though he says he likes when i hug or kiss him. But i dont think so. I have been with him long enough to know.
Our sex life is ok. The sex is good but we don't have sex as much as we use to. Its like once every week and a half to two weeks. It was a least once or twice a week before. Is all of this just a part of being together for so many years? Being intimate is very important to me and i believe this is what has kept us so close for so long. But it is a deal breaker for me. I feel selfish for feeling that way but I feel so alone in even when he is around. Am I wrong to consider leaving if this can't be fixed? This smallest thing he does makes me so upset. I have had to get up and get on the couch during the night for the last 2 or 3 weeks to be able to sleep.
Have you talked to him about how you've been feeling? What does he say about it?
If my husband suddenly changed in this way I would get to the bottom of it and find out why before I did anything else.
I have talked to him and I feel he mostly avoids it and doesn't want to talk about it. He says " i don't know why i don't hug or kiss you as much anymore" or "sometimes i want you to make the first move". But like i said earlier, he always pushes me away. We just had this talk yesterday and today he was laying on the couch and said "come cuddle with me". So of course I did and within 2 minutes he is asleep. No cuddling at all actually. I was laying down beside. But later if the conversation of no physical touching comes up he will say " i laid on the couch with you". This has been going on for 6 months. He will sometimes go back to his old ways for a day or 2 after we talk but then it never last.
He says " i don't know why i don't hug or kiss you as much anymore"
And 'I don't know' is an unacceptable answer. You shouldn't let him get away with that.
Quote:
"sometimes i want you to make the first move". he always pushes me away
Always? Each and every time you approach him physically he pushes you off of him?
Using 'always' and 'never' isn't IMO an accurate description of the facts. If he rejects you 4 out of 10 times, then it's not always.
Nevertheless... the problem is you feel rejected, and he hasn't provided you with a reason for his withdrawal. You can assume he's stressed out, or maybe has some physical health issues or work related problems, but you really won't know until you dig deeper.
Make it clear to him that 'I don't know' won't do. And initiate more. When your spouse asks you for something and you don't do it, they have an excuse to not do anything for you either. It's not right, but it happens.
I understand exactly how you feel, I know I am a physical toucher, and it would take a huge toll on me if that abruptly started to slip in my marraige. I wouldn't like it at all.
You mention him falling asleep.. not sure of your ages, but is it possible he could be stressed at work right now, sometimes this takes a DIVE on the Testosterone of the man, and the sex life also goes down some -since this is his lust hormone.
Is it possible he might be having some ED issues and this is keeping him away, as he fears getting too close could lead to something he can't finish? These are the last things a man wants to talk about with his wife or anyone else.
Yeah.. what else has changed in the last 6 months... any life events? He says he wants you to initiate but it also seems he is rejecting you at the same time.
It is 9 times out of 10 if I am lucky. He will not always make it so obvious that he is not interested, like turning his head or whatever but the 1 time he MAY do it I can tell he is not interested and he acts like its bothering him when I touch him.
He is 30 and I am 28.
Nothing much has changed really. In the past 2 or 3 months he has been working more. He is a manager at a store he has had to take on some more stores until they find some help. But this started 3 or 4 months before that.
I don't ED is a factor. We have no issues what so ever if he just gets on bored with the making out or whatever lol.
SimplyAmorous, yea when he says he wants me to initiate but then he rejects it. The only time he complains about me not initiating is when I try to talk to him about the lack of physical touch. It feels like it is an excuse or a way for him to get out of talking. He has never been big on talking about what bothers him.
The past 6 months things have been different. There is not my physical touch. I feel rejected by him even though he says he likes when i hug or kiss him. But i dont think so. I have been with him long enough to know.
Our sex life is ok. The sex is good but we don't have sex as much as we use to. Its like once every week and a half to two weeks. It was a least once or twice a week before. Is all of this just a part of being together for so many years? Being intimate is very important to me and i believe this is what has kept us so close for so long. But it is a deal breaker for me. I feel selfish for feeling that way but I feel so alone in even when he is around. Am I wrong to consider leaving if this can't be fixed? This smallest thing he does makes me so upset. I have had to get up and get on the couch during the night for the last 2 or 3 weeks to be able to sleep.
A couple months ago my wife had a private meeting with our MC then the two of them came out and totally banned me from touching her.
Sure, I could have left, but that wouldn't accomplish any of my long term goals. I genuinely feel sorry for her, the woman is troubled.
I would assert that nothing here is permanent and you can certainly bring things back to even better than they were before. But it will take some work.
I have talked to him and I feel he mostly avoids it and doesn't want to talk about it. He says " i don't know why i don't hug or kiss you as much anymore" or "sometimes i want you to make the first move". But like i said earlier, he always pushes me away. We just had this talk yesterday and today he was laying on the couch and said "come cuddle with me". So of course I did and within 2 minutes he is asleep. No cuddling at all actually. I was laying down beside. But later if the conversation of no physical touching comes up he will say " i laid on the couch with you". This has been going on for 6 months. He will sometimes go back to his old ways for a day or 2 after we talk but then it never last.
This is almost exactly what I am going through at the moment. I know how much it can hurt.
Am I wrong to consider leaving if this can't be fixed?
No. For me, at least, divorce is a valid option and nobody is ever wrong for either considering it or implementing it. It's a choice and it has pro's and con's attached -- lots and lots of them.
What I would say though is that I don't believe marriages stay vital "just because". As a wild guess here, I'd speculate that neither of you has been tending the home fires on a great many levels and you have drifted somewhat apart. I think the lack of physical intimacy is the symptom not the problem.
When was the last time either of you sat down and seriously wondered how you might please your partner better... not for the sake of gaining something in return, but simply out of love? When is the last time you had that discussion between both of you?
Have you tried opening up the conversation with something along these lines?
Honey, I need to talk. And before you get upset I really want you to hear that I love you and I care about you. But honestly, I've been pretty unhappy lately and it's only getting worse. If we can't talk about the ways that we hurt each other (and I have to guess that I've been hurting you also) then how can we ever hope to make our marriage better? Please help me to help us. Not today, not tomorrow, not next week... but eventually, this path leads to divorce and I don't want to be taking any steps in that direction at all. I prefer happily ever after -- for BOTH of us. Please can't we talk?"
I know you're hurting, and I am sure not trying to hurt you more, but I'm thinking he has started looking elsewhere for his sexual gratification, which is probably due to certain needs of his going unmet. Can you think back to the things that have left him unhappy again and again during your relationship? Maybe he didn't communicate his unhappiness loudly, but there may have been a pattern of times when he felt unimportant, criticized, or neglected.
This happened to me with my ex. We had sex twice during the last six years of our marriage - I'd grown to feel uncomfortable at his touch, and he'd withdrawn from touching because of it. It was the result of having neglected each other's emotional needs in other ways, though I didn't realize it at the time. Our relationship was very strong in most other ways, but he ended up having an affair. We went through many of the same things you've described. He blamed his medication, my weight, and whatever else was convenient.
As others have said, I wouldn't accept "I don't know" as an answer, but if you want to get to the real story you'll need to make it safe for him to confide. If he expects unhappiness to be the result of talking to you, he'll simply disengage and avoid the subject. If you promise not to get mad, you have to keep your word, so think carefully about how you can respond if you *do* feel hurt or angry if you discover hurtful information. What would you do if he said he was unhappy in the marriage, or if you learned he was having an affair?
A less direct approach might work best, but it can take longer. How do you show him that he's irreplaceable to you and that he means more to you than anything else? That his touch makes him the topic of your fantasies? If you're neglecting these things, start attending to them right away, constantly, for at least a month. (Ideally, this should be your lifestyle most of the time.)
If you haven't read The 5 Languages of Love (or haven't read it in a while), it might be a good time to review it.
At least some of you can still touch...my W recoils at even an accidental touch of our feet in bed. Extreemly difficult for me...
I am sorry to hear this, we don't even share blankets anymore. One night I hid the others so that we had to share and when he came to bed he tucked the blanket right in the middle so that we wouldn't touch. I left for the couch.
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Physical touch 
