General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Then stop focusing on how you can get some strange and start focusing on the disasters you have created in your marriage. I will caution you with this: She already knows about the EA. You are giving her what is known as "trickle truth" by not confessing the entire truth. This will make her healing 400 times harder and longer. Just FYI. Everything you do between now and telling her the WHOLE truth is going to be a lie in her eyes. As a matter of fact, she will consider your whole marriage/relationship a lie.
And each time she learns you have lied in some fashion, it will start the heeling all over for your wife, or she might just say fvck this and leave if she is strong willed or has enough resources to leave. (that's another subject so I won't go there).
Fallen - my H lied to me about sleeping with a woman (I knew he did it because his story was just stupid, he just lied to me about it and I couldn't prove otherwise), the truth didn't come out until a year later when it had to. That whole year was a waste as far as our reconciliation was concerned.
Don't think your wife doesn't suspect other things.. She just doesn't have solid proof and her suspicions alone will destroy a lot of aspects of your marriage. I resent my H much of the time and he knows why... Sometimes when I look at him or he's trying to tell me something, I have a hard time listening to him because he's been nothing but a liar for 4 years. My H is working on himself. I don't know if it's too late and if my desire for him is completely destroyed, I'm trying to figure that out now. But that will happen to you and your wife may not be as naive as I am, or as desperate as I am to keep my family in tact, or she just may not have the resources to leave you.
And each time she learns you have lied in some fashion, it will start the heeling all over for your wife, or she might just say fvck this and leave if she is strong willed or has enough resources to leave. (that's another subject so I won't go there).
Fallen - my H lied to me about sleeping with a woman (I knew he did it because his story was just stupid, he just lied to me about it and I couldn't prove otherwise), the truth didn't come out until a year later when it had to. That whole year was a waste as far as our reconciliation was concerned.
Don't think your wife doesn't suspect other things.. She just doesn't have solid proof and her suspicions alone will destroy a lot of aspects of your marriage. I resent my H much of the time and he knows why... Sometimes when I look at him or he's trying to tell me something, I have a hard time listening to him because he's been nothing but a liar for 4 years. My H is working on himself. I don't know if it's too late and if my desire for him is completely destroyed, I'm trying to figure that out now. But that will happen to you and your wife may not be as naive as I am, or as desperate as I am to keep my family in tact, or she just may not have the resources to leave you.
Another great example of not confessing. Yes in your instance he was found out!! Now just imagine if you never did? The suspicion would wain and the trust would rebuild even if not completely.
It's worth the risk if the WS is truly sorry.........yes I know that's a oxymoron, but I really believe many things are much better left unsaid.
No offense, FallenMan, having posted some choice words in your other thread a while back, you nearly made me pee my pants laughing at your new one.
Okay, you asked everyone what they thought; so here is my vote: PLEASE ask her for an open marriage.
She was clearly thrilled that you had an EA. You are clearly afraid of revealing your MANY past infidelities to her. You're pretty sure she'll divorce you if she finds out, and that is why you're such a chicken sh*t you'll never tell her. (Coward.)
So PLEASE ask her for an open marriage. It would make my day.
(Sotto voce to everyone else: maybe now his wife will truly understand the man she married, and leave him to other poor suckers who, god forbid, stumble into his path.)
Another great example of not confessing. Yes in your instance he was found out!! Now just imagine if you never did? The suspicion would wain and the trust would rebuild even if not completely.
It's worth the risk if the WS is truly sorry.........yes I know that's a oxymoron, but I really believe many things are much better left unsaid.
I am beginning to think confessing is the worst option possible for me and us. It would hurt her so much and if there is a chance it can stay in the past then it might be for the best. I am fully committed to my wife and our family. We have a two year old and a baby on the way. Its not worth wrecking our family. I've been the best husband I can since she learned of the EA. I am going to spend every day making sure she knows I love her and only her.
I know people here think the worst of me. I'm not some monster. I made mistakes and I hate myself for doing what I did. I know it can never happen again and it won't. I will change for my wife and family.
Also I updated this thread and said the open-marriage was just an idea and it wouldn't work for us. I have some issues and my wife expressed disgust when I brought it up so its not going to happen. Its for the best.
I am beginning to think confessing is the worst option possible for me and us. It would hurt her so much and if there is a chance it can stay in the past then it might be for the best. I am fully committed to my wife and our family. We have a two year old and a baby on the way. Its not worth wrecking our family. I've been the best husband I can since she learned of the EA. I am going to spend every day making sure she knows I love her and only her.
I know people here think the worst of me. I'm not some monster. I made mistakes and I hate myself for doing what I did. I know it can never happen again and it won't. I will change for my wife and family.
Also I updated this thread and said the open-marriage was just an idea and it wouldn't work for us. I have some issues and my wife expressed disgust when I brought it up so its not going to happen. Its for the best.
Get a test on your kid. May be she found out at its not yours. One can hope.
I have heard the folks that are encouraging me to come clean to my wife. It is a tough decision with huge implications for our marriage
Here is the ROOT problem in your thinking, FallenMan, you don't HAVE a marriage....you have TWO marriages!
FallenMan's marriage: wife, 2yo, baby on the way, countless sex partners, ex-lovers, flings, ONS, etc., investing time, emotions, money, energy on other adult women, leaving LESS time, money, energy for wife and child, sneaking around, lying about where he's been, who he's been with, what he's been doing, concentrating his efforts on himself and his pleasure
Mrs. FallenMan's marriage: husband 2yo, baby on the way, investing time, emotions, money, energy on husband and child building a future together as a family, concentrating her efforts on the family unit
Now, how you gonna reconcile those TWO marriages into ONE?
There is only ONE WAY to reconcile those two, and that is by telling your wife EVERYTHING about who you are, who you were in the past (including being unfaithful during ALL previous relationships) and WHO YOU WANT TO BE.
Only then will you both be looking at the same thing. Only then can you BOTH decide if you want to fix/heal your relationship. Only then can your WIFE make a truly informed decision about what is in HER best interest and the best interest of your children. You CLAIM that is what you want! How can she make any decisions when she's viewing the marriage with gauze on her eyes...seeing ONLY what YOU present? But, that's your fear isn't it? That she WON'T choose to remain with you.
YOU don't get to decide for her! YOU don't get to make unilateral decisions that involve her and your children. If YOU want a MARRIAGE, then start treating your wife like a PARTNER...someone who makes the decisions WITH YOU, not someone who is controlled (by outright lies and lack of truth) and told how things are going to be....like a child.
Man up! And tell your wife the TRUTH, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Might she dump your azz? Hell yes, you already know that....that's why you've been avoiding telling her. Might she forgive your lies and decide to work on the marriage for the sake of your children? Maybe, but you won't know if you don't tell her.
Without TRUTH and her FORGIVENESS, all the counseling in the world isn't going to make you feel better. It may stop the behavior, but deep inside you'll realize that your wife 'loves' a stranger (not you), but it will be on your head...because YOU'VE never LET HER love YOU.
Another great example of not confessing. Yes in your instance he was found out!! Now just imagine if you never did? The suspicion would wain and the trust would rebuild even if not completely.
It's worth the risk if the WS is truly sorry.........yes I know that's a oxymoron, but I really believe many things are much better left unsaid.
Sorry, can't imagine if I never found out, I did find out and that was the moral of my story. I could scoot around TAM picking out stories and play the IF game all day long. But MY point is IT WILL BE THAT MUCH WORSE WHEN SHE FINDS OUT, as it was in my story.
Fallen, please take a good look at yourself and what you are doing to your precious family. I know you say you've stopped being unfaithful for the most part --- could you go for a 100%? None of us know what your marriage boundaries are or should be.. but I think its safe to say you have at least one common boundary amongst spouses and that is not hurting your spouse intentionly. If you know that what you are doing will hurt your spouse, you are hurting her intentionly. I think you need to start there. Work on resisting temptation... I know its all around! I'm bi, so I have it coming from both angles . And I'm pretty vulnerable to at least an EA if I don't control myself.
I still say so many things in life are best left unsaid and confessing a ONS or fling that is meaningless that you truly are sorry for is one of them. If my wife had a ONS or fling and was truly sorry I WOULD NOT WANT TO KNOW why would I? If she was sorry, knew she was clean, and committed to me don't screw up my life forever because of your guilt.
This is a different situation. He is a SERIAL cheater. She should know, because he doesn't stop doing it. 6 PA's and an EA?? That isn't something that is fair to keep to himself only because at that point it is a lifestyle for him, not a bad choice one night.
This is a different situation. He is a SERIAL cheater. She should know, because he doesn't stop doing it. 6 PA's and an EA?? That isn't something that is fair to keep to himself only because at that point it is a lifestyle for him, not a bad choice one night.
And that is the path my H was on. He had cheated on all his gf's in life... Why would I be any different He had been able to walk away from his previous relationships.. this time its different for him... He's got a lot riding on his actions, and his decision to cheat or not cheat again.
Fallen, I was unaware of my H's past when I married him... I don't know everything he did up until what I know and feel to be the last time he betrayed me or attempted to. I don't know if I want to know everything, I know enough. He admits to being a dishonest spouse, up until a year ago. That's good enough for me. And now we both want a real marriage... We are ready to take things seriously . But I'll be honest, its proven to be quite the struggle as the betrayed spouse... Primarily because of trickle truth during the first four years combined with actively betraying me during that same time. He!!, he was actively searching/responding to personals WHILE we were in MC!! It was a crushing blow.
Time will tell for us, for you too. But your future is what you make it. I think my H likes what he see's in our future, me too... It's taken some work, and will continue to, and I have faith.
And that is the path my H was on. He had cheated on all his gf's in life... Why would I be any different He had been able to walk away from his previous relationships.. this time its different for him... He's got a lot riding on his actions, and his decision to cheat or not cheat again.
Fallen, I was unaware of my H's past when I married him... I don't know everything he did up until what I know and feel to be the last time he betrayed me or attempted to. I don't know if I want to know everything, I know enough. He admits to being a dishonest spouse, up until a year ago. That's good enough for me. And now we both want a real marriage... We are ready to take things seriously . But I'll be honest, its proven to be quite the struggle as the betrayed spouse... Primarily because of trickle truth during the first four years combined with actively betraying me during that same time. He!!, he was actively searching/responding to personals WHILE we were in MC!! It was a crushing blow.
Time will tell for us, for you too. But your future is what you make it. I think my H likes what he see's in our future, me too... It's taken some work, and will continue to, and I have faith.
Glad to hear things are improving Cherry. My H had his one time affair. It was short lived (probably due to us moving). It amazes me how the cheaters can say " I was protecting you by lying to you!!" ha! Right! While I will give OhGeesh credit for helping me figure out my H's actions, I think he and I just fundamentally disagree. I wouldn't want to be in a marriage where there are lies. We are still recovering from his lies 2.5 years later. No one said it was easy, but now I am operation with the truth instead of what he would have me believe was the truth.
Glad to hear things are improving Cherry. My H had his one time affair. It was short lived (probably due to us moving). It amazes me how the cheaters can say " I was protecting you by lying to you!!" ha! Right! While I will give OhGeesh credit for helping me figure out my H's actions, I think he and I just fundamentally disagree. I wouldn't want to be in a marriage where there are lies. We are still recovering from his lies 2.5 years later. No one said it was easy, but now I am operation with the truth instead of what he would have me believe was the truth.
Ideally, I think Fallen should let his W know he has not been faithful, or a good H for pretty much their entire marriage... Then let her start asking questions.
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Re: Is an open-marriage a good idea? 
. And I'm pretty vulnerable to at least an EA if I don't control myself.
He had been able to walk away from his previous relationships.. this time its different for him... He's got a lot riding on his actions, and his decision to cheat or not cheat again. 
