General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
My husband just started working third shift about a month ago and it's been really difficult on our marriage. It has also exacerbated issues that I thought we were taking care of in marriage counseling. I'm just so lonely all the time. He works 10 hour shifts (11-9) and works 35 minutes away. He sometimes doesn't get home until 10 because he is often asked to stay a little later and he usually leaves our house at 10 to make sure he's not late for work if there's an accident on the highway or whatever. Then he sleeps until 6 or so (reasonable) but then all he does is lay on the couch and nap until he has to go back in.
I understand that he's trying to support our family and I appreciate that. He had been looking for a job for a while before he was offered this one. He loves his job and I know that the shift he's on is taking a toll on him. I just feel like I'm on a constant emotional rollercoaster.
I've tried to talk to him about the way I feel and he wants no part of it. I've brought it up in counseling and he's said that he'll make an effort but I see nothing. It seems like the only time I spend any quality time with him is when he wants to have sex. Am I being inconsiderate?
I'm at a total loss at what to do. He doesn't like for me to hide things from him but when I try and tell him how I feel he completely shuts me out. The only time we ever make any "progress" is when we text. We've only been married since last July and already I'm having my doubts.
What is it that you want him to do? Quality time? Does he have weekends off where you guys can spend some time together?
I wouldn't push it during the week when he's working the long hours. He's only started and needs to get into a routine, and is probably tired. Support him during this time. Hopefully things will ease up.
My husband used to work long hours from home now he has a site job where he's away for 3 weeks out of the month. I know how it feels to be lonely. Let him unwind. Don't make all your interactions negative or he will just shut you out. Find ways to occupy yourself during the week (I have a 4 year old so that's me done lol) and plan getaway's or fun things to do on his time off.
I'm not sure what other issues you had which might be adding to your feelings, but at this time when he's working maybe cut him a little slack and find your quality time outside of the working week. Sometimes just being on the couch with him or in bed after work watching a movie or talking is just as good.
Gratitude, I think my biggest issue is not feeling heard. I talk my feelings out and I need quite a bit of affirmation. I just don't get the communication from him like I used to. It's like he expects a negative confrontation with me so when I try and speak to him in the way that I've been taught reduces defensiveness, it doesn't work. I've never been one to be able to stuff my feelings. Doing so affects me in other ways (usually physically) very quickly.
We do have weekend time together and I do cherish that time. I realize that my expectations are high sometimes so having a sounding board is incredibly important for me.
My husband works 7am to 7pm. It's a long day with an hour commute both ways. So basically he's out from 6a to 8p. LONG ass days. I am home with the kids alone from 3:30 to 8. I take the kids to school. It's what needs to be done.
He sleeps a LOT and why shouldn't he? He's working 12 hour days I work 7 hour days. Huge difference.
We do, however, hang out on his day off (Sunday) and on his random weekly day off after I get home from work. And we plan dates on nights he doesn't work the next day.
If I had his schedule, I would die. I really would. My husband doesn't complain either. It's amazing.
Your husband is working hard and probably HATES IT but doesn't want to complain because he is doing what he needs to do.
You are complaining though, so he feels like he's failing his family and it is eating at him. HE KNOWS HE IS BEING A LUMP. But he's TIRED.
Support him and serve him. That's what I do. Sounds 1950s, but my husband left me for some of the same things you're doing right now. The complaining and all of that. His words, "I was working my ASS off for OUR family and you just complained and betched about why I was always so tired or why I wasn't home yet." It makes sense. Yea, I don't like the long hours, but ya know what? Neither does he. And I bet your husband doesn't either. He doesn't need to hear it from you and you will just push him away.
I've been there.
I now appreciate my husband. I understand that he's tired. I'm tired from my 35 hours a week! I couldn't imagine 60 hours!
Give the man a break. Seriously. Get off his back, text him encouraging texts throughout the day and just realize this is how it is RIGHT NOW. That doesn't mean it will always be this way.
Give the man a break. Seriously. Get off his back, text him encouraging texts throughout the day and just realize this is how it is RIGHT NOW. That doesn't mean it will always be this way.
Thanks that_girl. I think I'll do just that. Sometimes it takes a reality check like you just gave me to realize that it's not all about me.
Good. Cause quite honestly, he DOES NOT WANT TO WORK SO MUCH. No one does. But he has to. And that's a bad feeling he probably has. He'd probably be happy to be home with you--- his wife But he isn't cause bills have to be paid.
So when you bring it up, he gets irritated because he already knows, and believes, everything you say. He gets defensive because if he thinks about his long hours and how long he's away from home and the things that need to be done that he can't get to, all the sex he wants to have with you, the places he wants to go, etc, it will put him into a rage.
Hug him. Send him silly, sexy, loving texts, and stop betchin
^^^ I agree. I used to complain to my husband long ago about the lack of time together and he was just really tired. I was full of energy and wanted the communication and to feel connected, but I never took into consideration how HE felt. He was working for US.
I know it gets lonely, but you have to find a way to deal with it. Because what he's doing is working for you. Not out drinking at bars or carrying on, but doing his job. He needs to feel appreciated and validated, not attacked that he's not doing a good enough job when he gets home.
Sometimes we get so caught up in how we feel and what we want that we forget to realise what our husbands are feeling and what they need.
I don't know any of your other issues as I mentioned before, but just dealing with this one - let him have his rest, look after him and spend time together when you can. You will connect a whole lot more when you're not cutting him down and making home a happy, relaxed place to return to.
My hubs is home by 8 and I have dinner ready for him. He hangs out with the kids til bedtime (8:30) and we hang out til our bedtime which is 10. lol Gotta find time!!
You know, a lot of my friends don't believe in the whole looking after a man thing. They are "independant, strong women" and think their husbands can fend for themselves. Well I'm an independant, strong woman but I found that being entirely focused on myself just didn't make for a happy marriage.
It's old fashioned, but I like to look after my husband. Why not, he looks after us. Yes I've worked, but he earns a lot more and does hours I wouldn't dream off - at the moment, 12 hour days, 7 days a week. 3 weeks straight. Ouch. When he comes home I like to cook, clean etc for him and make him feel special.
One thing I've always struggled with is he likes to be the "man of the house". The boss. And I never let him. He doesn't ENFORCE it, I handle and budget all the money and he still asks if he can spend anything, and he's not a dictator. But it was letting him make the decisions and basically just agreeing with him in words so he felt that respect. I would never give it to him. I felt like it was saying I was submissive, the 'lil woman' and just here to serve him. From being on this forum, it's opened my eyes to how guys think and what they need. He felt disrespected by my attitude. I still struggle with it, but he does everything for us. Treats us great. Provides and denies us nothing.
I've learnt that looking after him, letting him be the "leader" and not arguing or trying to take over, it doesn't make me less of a woman. It makes me show my husband that I respect him, which is what he NEEDS. He's not controlling or abusive. It's just what he needs from me. It makes my life easier to let go as well.
Some women would disagree with me. Some want equality and I still think we are equals. But you know what, it's whatever works for your marriage. And sometimes it's hard even now to bite my tongue and stop battling him and being disrespectful or rude because I want to be in charge. I can disagree without cutting him down. I want him to feel appreciated, and I wasn't doing that.
^^^ Exactly. My hubs still dries the dishes or reads our daughter a story. He fixes all the stuff around the house. He's still involved. But I wouldn't ask him to do any of the cleaning etc. He does it because he "wants to". But what he wants most of all, from me, is to FEEL respected. I don't have to do anything specific. Just stop arguing with him. Trust his decisions. Boy, it's hard to let go sometimes! I've been on my own since I was 15. But that's what he needs, maybe not some other guys, but it's what he needs. And what does it take away from me to give it to him? Nothing. He's not demeaning or yelling, just asking me quietly to show him respect.
Wow today has been therapeutic. Sorry for hijack! My bad.
Sometimes we get so caught up in how we feel and what we want that we forget to realise what our husbands are feeling and what they need.
I don't know any of your other issues as I mentioned before, but just dealing with this one - let him have his rest, look after him and spend time together when you can. You will connect a whole lot more when you're not cutting him down and making home a happy, relaxed place to return to.
How do you not get wrapped up in your feelings? I'm really showing my inexperience here but I honestly just don't know how. I don't know how to not feel as strongly as I do. I don't know how not to communicate my feelings about things.
We have had communication and trust issues for awhile now. We started counseling over a rumor of an affair (I don't know whether it's true or false) that really affected the trust I had for him. He has the stereotypical male communication style (avoids) and I have the stereotypical female communication style (pursuer). Until, of course, something really affects him and then there's no way I can avoid or delay the conversation.
I've never been in a healthy relationship so I don't know how to do "healthy" or "normal". I don't know how to just let things slide or back off until I've cooled down. That doesn't mean I can't learn.
When he's home (days off) he takes care of the home and the kids and dinner (like today) He's out fixing his car right now.
Hubs will bath our daughter, play with her and is very involved. He's a great dad. He'll make beds and fold washing and even vaccuum. But cooking? NO WAY He'll cook the meat and make an omelette that's it. He says he "can't do it". I think he's just pretending hmmm .... Lol
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Stuck 
Re: Stuck 
I work 7 hour days. Huge difference.
But he isn't cause bills have to be paid.
Right.
