General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Re: I Need a Reality Check; Don't Want to Make a Mistake
then leave OM alone (as far as contacting him), confrontation is next to worthless and you dont need to go to jail if you get violent, it isnt worth it
Re: I Need a Reality Check; Don't Want to Make a Mistake
Quote:
Originally Posted by Almostrecovered
then leave OM alone (as far as contacting him), confrontation is next to worthless and you dont need to go to jail if you get violent, it isnt worth it
and ultimately he's not the one who broke a promise to you.
Re: I Need a Reality Check; Don't Want to Make a Mistake
Quote:
Originally Posted by anon54
And, yes, I think there is another guy she is texting, facebooking, etc. but I don't think it's become sexual since it kindled just before we left Texas and without her moving back, it will eventually fizzle IMO.
You down play this because neither you or your wife understand that she is in an emotional affair (EA). She wants to file for divorce and move back to Texas because she want to take it to a physical affair (PA). Everything else that you said is not very important because it is a direct result of the EA.
Many people in EAs do not realize that it is cheating but it in fact it really is. Because of the EA you have been made to be the bad guy through reinventing of history in her mind where everything is your fault and her action are never to blame. For example, if she slapped you in the face and you held her hand to prevent her from hitting you again, she will only remember that you held her hand so hard that you hurt her. Until she is ends the EA you cannot reason with her. You will always be wrong because she wants you to be wrong.
Re: I Need a Reality Check; Don't Want to Make a Mistake
ok, thanks for cooling me down a bit. I guess posting this experience, losing my wife and just the thought of letting her driving her back so that she can be with him makes me feel like the loser who deserves this outcome, especially since I'm helping them be together.... total royal BS IMO. That's why one of the reasons I am asking if I should just force her to take the initiatie to leave.
Re: I Need a Reality Check; Don't Want to Make a Mistake
Quote:
Originally Posted by TRy
You down play this because neither you or your wife understand that she is in an emotional affair (EA). She wants to file for divorce and move back to Texas because she want to take it to a physical affair (PA). Everything else that you said is not very important because it is a direct result of the EA.
Many people in EAs do not realize that it is cheating but it in fact it really is. Because of the EA you have been made to be the bad guy through reinventing of history in her mind where everything is your fault and her action are never to blame. For example, if she slapped you in the face and you held her hand to prevent her from hitting you again, she will only remember that you held her hand so hard that you hurt her. Until she is ends the EA you cannot reason with her. You will always be wrong because she wants you to be wrong.
That is true, it heard much about me being the problem that caused her to change her mind about our future when there is certainly blame on her end.
Re: I Need a Reality Check; Don't Want to Make a Mistake
anon,
You should also stop funding her now. She's having an affair.
Cut off her phone if account is in your name. Cancel all joint credit cards. Move half the money in any joint bank accounts to accounts with only your name on them. STOP UNDERWRITING HER AFFAIR NOW!
Re: I Need a Reality Check; Don't Want to Make a Mistake
Quote:
Originally Posted by Toffer
anon,
You should also stop funding her now. She's having an affair.
Cut off her phone if account is in your name. Cancel all joint credit cards. Move half the money in any joint bank accounts to accounts with only your name on them. STOP UNDERWRITING HER AFFAIR NOW!
Thanks, but tactically, I have to do a little bit of this for a little while longer (30days?) so that she signs the divorce papers (marital property settlement agreement) to avoid ending up in a difficult divorce process. Any aggressive financial acts by me will only get her friends to encourage her to talk to an attorney before she signs anything. So my approach is doing this as a last act of love and letting her go to find her happiness. After she signs, it's a done deal. She will run out of money and be SOL before the divorce is finalized. To do otherwise will cost me more time, angst, anger, money, and lawyer fees.
Re: I Need a Reality Check; Don't Want to Make a Mistake
Quote:
Originally Posted by Toffer
Sorry but it sounds as if you married a child.
Be thankful there are no kids involved
Follow Almostrecovered's advice about exposing the affair. Your wife has checked out after only 4 years of marriage
Yep, there is an immaturity aspect to this, but I've come to the conclude it's more avoidance, i.e., not wanting to face the reality involved of doing and in going through a divorce (even avoiding using the word divorce) due to guilt, shame, fear of confronting related emotions involved, and, in general, just wanting to get through this as drama-free as possible. She is otherwise intelligent, pleasant to be around, caring, and . . . and in total denial and unrealistic how this will turn out for her.
It's a very sad outcome because I think we both know deep down inside that we won't find a better husband or wife. We were truly lucky to have found each other at important points in our lives, but the spark fizzled out.
Re: I Need a Reality Check; Don't Want to Make a Mistake
Quote:
Originally Posted by anon54
. . . and in total denial and unrealistic how this will turn out for her.
She's in affair foggy land - it's a wonderful place if it had any bearing on reality. She won't see reality until it hits her like a brick. If you try to show it to her she'll fight you kicking and screaming and tell you you're an ass.
If she's like 99.99% of cheaters what she really wants is to have her cake and eat it to. Meaning she won't actually do anything towards really leaving you or divorce. My bet is if anything happens you're going to have to be the one to do it.
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Re: I Need a Reality Check; Don't Want to Make a Mistake 
