General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Re: I Need a Reality Check; Don't Want to Make a Mistake
Quote:
Originally Posted by anon54
Thanks. You are spot on. And my biggest alpha tactic on hand is to give her the attitude that I'm okay with cutting her loose and would like to do it ASAP if she no longer wants to be married with me cuz I want to find a wife who wants to have a family with me. And while I'd rather not be single again to go looking for another wife, I've told her I couldn't be in a better position, city or career status to be out on the dating scene again, especially with the extra discretionary income from no longer supporting her. And she is well aware of my dating history and quality of life as a single guy and knows that I'm not bluffing.
Honestly, though, I doubt if I would ever get married again if I end up single just for those reasons, I enjoyed being single and independent but wanted the experience of being married and having kids. But I ended up a "home body" and changed my lifestyle to adjust to being a married man because many of those alpha characteristics just end up challenging being in a committed, loyal, and respectful relationship, at least in my opinion. She on the other hand has not changed, despite my thoughts that being married over time would be helpful.
But without a doubt, I would rather save our marriage, have children, and live blissfully together. Thus my concern about not making a mistake in taking the initiative to end this relationsip.
Well, your alpha move sucks. It sounds threatening and unappreciative. Women cheat when their emotional needs aren't met, and hers clearly aren't.
My first ex tried a ploy like that. When he added, "You won't find anyone else like me," all I could think was "Thank God!" I have never regretted leaving him. Based on this and your thoughts about having the phone service stopped, I'm thinking you see yourself as the "in charge" kind of guy, and she thinks you try to control her way too much. She doesn't feel like she has enough influence in your life or her own.
At this point, about the only thing I think you can do is come clean. Tell her what you've said here - that you don't think you'll marry again and that she is the person you want if she'll give you an opportunity to learn how to better meet her needs. If she says no, file. You can't make her receptive to you, and you've already lost her interest. Whether it's COMPLETELY gone or not is entirely up to her judgment, and nothing you can do changes this.
Being weaker can sometimes lead to greater strength.
Re: I Need a Reality Check; Don't Want to Make a Mistake
Quote:
Originally Posted by sigma1299
My bet is if anything happens you're going to have to be the one to do it.
That's the reality check I am seeking to confirm before I put plan into action. It's heartbreaking when I think about doing it, but I know the pain won't begin to subside until the hard decision and actions are complete, and I close the door on this part of my life.
Re: I Need a Reality Check; Don't Want to Make a Mistake
Quote:
Originally Posted by KathyBatesel
At this point, about the only thing I think you can do is come clean. Tell her what you've said here - that you don't think you'll marry again and that she is the person you want if she'll give you an opportunity to learn how to better meet her needs. If she says no, file. You can't make her receptive to you, and you've already lost her interest. Whether it's COMPLETELY gone or not is entirely up to her judgment, and nothing you can do changes this.
Being weaker can sometimes lead to greater strength.
Sorry, I don't think there is anything I am hiding from her and everything I've said here I've said to her. So, not sure how much more I need to come clean about. And I have no problem even showing her this thread. But guess what, she wont' even let me see her text messages or .... even add me as a friend on her facebook! Says I would create too much drama about what's on her facebook. Among other reasons, I've never had a fb account because I know its potential impact on relationships, and while she initially agreed to not have an account when we got married, she kept coming up with excuses to have an account to keep in touch with family, which turned into many friends of course.
And by the way, thanks for pointing out it's my fault for not meeting her needs. Works both ways in a marriage I thought, which includes communicating those needs rather then essentially saying.... I don't think anything is going to change in our relationship, sorry, I want to be with someone else. News to me, which is how I found myself here seeking feedback from anonymous posters.
Re: I Need a Reality Check; Don't Want to Make a Mistake
Quote:
Originally Posted by anon54
Sorry, I don't think there is anything I am hiding from her and everything I've said here I've said to her. So, not sure how much more I need to come clean about. And I have no problem even showing her this thread. But guess what, she wont' even let me see her text messages or .... even add me as a friend on her facebook! Says I would create too much drama about what's on her facebook. Among other reasons, I've never had a fb account because I know its potential impact on relationships, and while she initially agreed to not have an account when we go married, she kept coming up with excuses to have an account to keep in touch with family, which turned into many friends of course.
By "come clean" I don't mean you're deceiving anyone. In fact, I suspect you're very direct and honest. I mean stop being right all the time and start acknowledging that you have contributed half of the problem. To start showing that you're flawed, too, and to show her with your words and actions how much she means to you. Even though your tone might appear to some as reasonable, I'm seeing a lot of signs that you feel as if your way is superior to hers. Your methods are superior to hers. Your values matter more than hers. Your feelings count more. It's a quiet arrogance that undermines your relationship. You might intellectually SAY that hers are as important, but the things you're saying you talked about and thought about reveal your true attitude, and your wife has been affected by it.
She thinks you'll start drama... to be fair, maybe she is doing something wrong, who knows... but she "agreed" to what you wanted (no FB) and to moving and even though she has told you she wants a divorce, she hasn't taken action. She dislikes the way you exert control, I suspect.
Re: I Need a Reality Check; Don't Want to Make a Mistake
First: please have your post moved to the Coping with Infidelity forum. That is where people who've gone through a spouse's emotional affair (like me--my husband was in one for about 4.5 years, but we are happily reconciled now) can give you more direct, specific advice.
No offense to anyone who has not had their spouse cheat on you, but what you may not know is there are certain highly predictable behaviors that cheaters exhibit. They are engaging in an escapist fantasy and--sad to say--they don't behave like the old versions of themselves and they lie extremely well at the drop of a hat. They've created a secret parallel life, and lying has become second nature.
Divorce has been successfully used as a stick to goad a spouse toward reconciling. In order to want to reconcile, their fantasy bubble has to burst, and divorce can play this role. Just Letting Them Go can do this too, because there's a funny little thing about entering a relationship with someone who's willing to have an affair with a married person--they are usually not life partner material.
If you want to try to save your marriage--and only you can know all the ins and outs of this--I highly recommend the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass, it's the most well-written, comprehensive book out there on emotional affairs. I'd get a copy anyhow if you plan to D, because it can help give you lots of insight into her bizarro world and help you heal.
Re: I Need a Reality Check; Don't Want to Make a Mistake
Quote:
Originally Posted by anon54
But without a doubt, I would rather save our marriage, have children, and live blissfully together. Thus my concern about not making a mistake in taking the initiative to end this relationsip.
Then, investigate and gather information. Assuming that this is an affair, you have to act decisively. Expose the affair and remove facebook guy from her life. Then, either divorce her or demand that you both go to marriage counseling. If she cares, she'll choose MC. If she doesn't care, you have to let her go and pursue your own life with someone who does care enough about you to communicate about these problems.
If it isn't an affair, then see if you can get to the bottom of what's going on. Does she feel loved by you? Are you giving her attention and romance and support or does she feel like you're not invested in the marriage? Is she depressed? Is there something going on with her personally that's making her withdraw emotionally?
You can't solve a problem unless you know what is causing it, so figure it out before you act.
Re: I Need a Reality Check; Don't Want to Make a Mistake
Quote:
Originally Posted by anon54
But guess what, she wont' even let me see her text messages or .... even add me as a friend on her facebook! Says I would create too much drama about what's on her facebook. Among other reasons, I've never had a fb account because I know its potential impact on relationships, and while she initially agreed to not have an account when we got married, she kept coming up with excuses to have an account to keep in touch with family, which turned into many friends of course.
BIG red flags!!!!!! Something is definitely wrong here. She's up to no good.
Put a keylogger on your computer and find out the truth. What the heck is she hiding on facebook from you? This is not a good thing at all. Someone who is treating you this badly needs to be ousted from your life. I'm sorry but your wife is being a disrespectful jerk toward you. Her comments here are immature and offensive to your commitment to her.
Re: I Need a Reality Check; Don't Want to Make a Mistake
Quote:
Originally Posted by Toffer
Kathy,
I disagree with most of what you have posted.
I think the OP is using his own methods to help sheild himself from the hurt and betrayal he is facing.
It seems obvious to most of us (I think) that his wife is involved with others in inappropriate ways. That's the crux of this issue
Quote:
Originally Posted by sigma1299
Whatever responsibility he has for the state of the marriage he has zero for her EA - none, nada, zip - that's all on her.
You're both free to disagree, but here is why I think you're mistaken...
Yes, she's clearly having an emotional affair. Yes, I think his attitude is a protective mechanism.
BUT...
The way he expressed himself to her and the attitude he is expressing absolutely contribute to the quality of their relationship. While men will cheat simply either because the opportunity presents itself or they're unhappy with their relationship, women's reasons for cheating are most often over unhappiness in their relationships.
If his behavior is contributing to her being unhappy, then yes, he absolutely does affect the state of mind that is leading her to look elsewhere.
Just as she is ultimately responsible for the choices she makes on the matter, he is ultimately responsible for how he communicates with her. What I'm seeing is communication that continually tells her that he's superior and she's not. I seriously doubt that she simply came up with "This isn't going to work and I want to be with someone else" out of the clear blue. I don't buy that at all. I *would* believe that her attempts to communicate her unhappiness have been ignored, though.
For the record, if the other comment was directed at me... I have been through the wringer because of infidelity.
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Re: I Need a Reality Check; Don't Want to Make a Mistake 
