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I Need a Reality Check; Don't Want to Make a Mistake
So, I think I've come to the conclusion that I need to let my wife go and file for divorce but I need a reality check from folks who have gone through this process to make sure I don't make the mistake of regretting I took the initiative to divorce my wife. Until recently, we've been happily married 4 years (at least I thought) and have no kids.
There are multiple issues going on but here are the basics.
I have a very loving and caring wife and I aside from some personalty differences, we both thought we were very compatible when we first go married and believed we could be great parents and have a wonderful family. Much of those sentiments still exists but it seems we have arrived an unusual breaking point where there is no anger, fighting, or other charged emotions involved.
In fact, at this point it's me attempting to understand her desire to no longer be married yet she doesn't want to talk about it. So I'm trying to decide (1) whether to give her what she wants, recognize our marriage is over, help her move out, file for divorce, and move on with my life; or (2) see if this is a crisis we can get through by not helping her leave, essentially forcing her to take the initiate to pack up and leave, and we will do he divorce then.
Why would I want to NOT help her leave? Well, I want to save our marriage and IMO it doesn't feel like there are solid reasons to divorce. But more importantly, because she doesn't want to talk about getting a divorce or no longer being married to me (says we've talked about our problems repeated--more like me asking but I know we have problems). She just wants to "move back to Texas" --we recently moved to another state 6 months ago. It's avoidance big time and Texas is where her friends and support network are.
And, yes, I think there is another guy she is texting, facebooking, etc. but I don't think it's become sexual since it kindled just before we left Texas and without her moving back, it will eventually fizzle IMO. We also have some compatibility, sexual chemistry, and other issues, such as her frustration with her education and career progression but we are financially stable and she doesn't have to work (too much time on her hands is also part of the problem i think). Yet I also think that much of what is going on with her is that she wasn't ready to be married and now wants to recapture her single life after experiencing marriage for 4 years. Sometimes I think if we got pregnant her focus would quickly change but I don't think that think makes all our underlying problems go away.
Finally, and most oddly, as I've said before we get along very well and we still care for each other. Although lately I think I've exhibited more desparate emotions in trying to figure out why this has occurred, what we can do change things, etc. and all she does is well up and say "I just want to go back".
So, I guess as a final act of love and desire for her to be happy, even if it means being without me, I am about to work up the divorce papers, set up the u-haul, cut her a check, and drop her off. And I've informed her there is no turning back once I drop her off, no matter the tears or financial struggles, because I can't risk having to go through this again with her.
Re: I Need a Reality Check; Don't Want to Make a Mistake
Much of those sentiments still exists but it seems we have arrived an unusual breaking point where there is no anger, fighting, or other charged emotions involved.
It sounds like apathy which is the real breaking point.
In fact, at this point it's me attempting to understand her desire to no longer be married yet she doesn't want to talk about it.
That, in and of itself, would be the reason I'd be looking for a divorce. At least between Carol and I, "I don't want to talk about it" is not a valid answer. Sure, at times we all need a little space to get our heads together... but for us, that is measured... at MOST... in two or three days. Beyond that and we'd both see it as a serious relationship foul.
Re: I Need a Reality Check; Don't Want to Make a Mistake
It sounds like a difficult situation you're facing right now. You say that you love your wife and want what is best for her, but it doesn't sound like she even knows what that is at this point. Have you considered counseling? It might be helpful to talk it through before you just throw in the towel. No one ever said that marriage is easy, but it is worth fighting for. If you don't know where to start, you're welcome to call a counselor at Focus on the Family. In my time there, I have seen a lot of couples be able to work through problems like this and go on to lead a happy life together. There's also some helpful articles available here and here and a book that might interest you. I can't promise you that your wife will want to stay together but at least she'll know that you love her enough to be willing to fight for her!
Re: I Need a Reality Check; Don't Want to Make a Mistake
One other thought—maybe she really has had a harder time with this move from TX than you think. Moving to another state with no family, friends, or support system can be extremely stressful. As a woman, your wife needs emotional connections and it sounds like she has nothing where you're at now: no friends, no job where she feels valued, no supportive family. It's no surprise that she feels restless and wants to move back to the familiar. That doesn't excuse an EA or PA, but it might explain the gap she's trying to fill. Get some help. Work this out together. She needs your support right now, not one more uncertainty!
Re: I Need a Reality Check; Don't Want to Make a Mistake
Quote:
Originally Posted by Almostrecovered
counseling will not work while his wife is having an affair
the affair needs to stop before any progress is made
btw- is the OM married?
She's not interested in counseling although I guess I could make that a condition before making arrangements to drop her off. I've mentioned it before suggesting to do it just to make sure it's what she wants, even offered that it would be her one-on-one with a counselor, but not sure how helpful that would be....
OM is a single guy. I've thought about cancelling her phone line and other disruption approaches but, again, not sure how helpful it would be since it may have the reverse effect. Best approach to disrupt is to confront him/her, shut him down, but don't think that would change her desire to return back to Texas.
Part of me feels like accepting that she no longer wants to be married to me and taking the approach: why do I want to be married to someone who doesn't want to be married to me? ....but we have lots of life and emotional investment in our relationship.
Also, just so you know more about me and her, I am very familair with those man up techniques and alpha male behavior patterns, so I'm not a pity case. In fact, that was part of her attraction to me. And I could deal with being single again but no longer wanted that lifestyle and wanted to settle down, and she was/is a great catch/wife. She is very attractive and gets lots of looks from other guys and I guess I've become the typical beta married male since we got married. I can and will change that, but it may be too late to save our marriage. And I want to have kids someday, so maybe this is a good sign it shouldn't be with her.
Re: I Need a Reality Check; Don't Want to Make a Mistake
Quote:
Originally Posted by anon54
She's not interested in counseling although I guess I could make that a condition before making arrangements to drop her off. I'm mentioned it before just to make sure it's what she wants, even offer that i would be her one-on-one with a counselor, but not sure how helpful that would be....
OM is a single guy. I've thought about cancelling her phone line and other disruption approaches but, again, not sure how helpful it would be since it may have the reverse effect.
Part of me feels like accepting that she no longer wants to be married to me and taking the approach: why do I want to be married to someone who doesn't want to be married to me? ....but we have lots of life and emotional investment in our relationship.
Also, just so you know more about me and her, I am very familair with those man up techniques and alpha male behavior patterns, so I'm not a pity case. In fact, I could deal with being single again but no longer wanted that lifestyle and wanted to settle down, and she was/is a great catch/wife. She is very attractive and gets lots of looks from other guys and I guess I've become the typical beta married male since we got married. I can and will change that, but it may be too late to save our marriage.
what you have to realize is that by not making a stand over her affair you have already lost her, unless you make the "him or me" stand she will continue to get deeper into her affair partner and you suffer in limbo until she leaves you or continues to cake eat.
1) investigate and get the texts and print them up
2) expose to the OM's wife and her family
3) get a lawyer and get papers drawn
4) tell her you cannot control her and she is free to be with her EA partner, but that you will not tolerate a 3rd party in the marriage and will file
Re: I Need a Reality Check; Don't Want to Make a Mistake
Are you positive about the affair? If the answer is yes start the 180 while you are making plans to let her go. If you are not positive about the affair I would suggest counseling. Even with counseling you still might wind up with a divorce, but at least in your heart you know you did everything you could.
Re: I Need a Reality Check; Don't Want to Make a Mistake
It's almost guaranteed that interfering in her affair will have the reverse effect - but if you're lucky that will only be at first. But at first she's likely to hate you. AR is right - nothing can get better until you bust the affair. You've got only two choices - fight her to kill the EA or just give her her divorce.
I had an EA myself that was long distance. I promise you that you can get just as emotionally involved and have lots of sex without ever actually laying eyes on each other.
If you want to save your marriage and you're familiar with alpha traits it's time to pull them out and put them to use. Unfortunately it may already be too late if she's asking for a divorce.
Re: I Need a Reality Check; Don't Want to Make a Mistake
Quote:
Originally Posted by sigma1299
It's almost guaranteed that interfering in her affair will have the reverse effect - but if you're lucky that will only be at first. But at first she's likely to hate you. AR is right - nothing can get better until you bust the affair. You've got only two choices - fight her to kill the EA or just give her her divorce.
I had an EA myself that was long distance. I promise you that you can get just as emotionally involved and have lots of sex without ever actually laying eyes on each other.
If you want to save your marriage and you're familiar with alpha traits it's time to pull them out and put them to use. Unfortunately it may already be too late if she's asking for a divorce.
Thanks. You are spot on. And my biggest alpha tactic on hand is to give her the attitude that I'm okay with cutting her loose and would like to do it ASAP if she no longer wants to be married with me cuz I want to find a wife who wants to have a family with me. And while I'd rather not be single again to go looking for another wife, I've told her I couldn't be in a better position, city or career status to be out on the dating scene again, especially with the extra discretionary income from no longer supporting her. And she is well aware of my dating history and quality of life as a single guy and knows that I'm not bluffing.
Honestly, though, I doubt if I would ever get married again if I end up single just for those reasons, I enjoyed being single and independent but wanted the experience of being married and having kids. But I ended up a "home body" and changed my lifestyle to adjust to being a married man because many of those alpha characteristics just end up challenging being in a committed, loyal, and respectful relationship, at least in my opinion. She on the other hand has not changed, despite my thoughts that being married over time would be helpful.
But without a doubt, I would rather save our marriage, have children, and live blissfully together. Thus my concern about not making a mistake in taking the initiative to end this relationsip.
Re: I Need a Reality Check; Don't Want to Make a Mistake
if she decides to end her EA
she needs to...
1) go NC, in fact write a NC letter (see in my newbie link)
2) be transparent and give up passwords and allow you to look at her phone, you should also do your own personal verification
3) show complete remorse (more in the newbie link)
4) spend 10-15 hours a week of one on one time alone
Re: I Need a Reality Check; Don't Want to Make a Mistake
Quote:
Originally Posted by Almostrecovered
if she decides to end her EA
she needs to...
1) go NC, in fact write a NC letter (see in my newbie link)
2) be transparent and give up passwords and allow you to look at her phone, you should also do your own personal verification
3) show complete remorse (more in the newbie link)
4) spend 10-15 hours a week of one on one time alone
Yes, you are right and I agree. I'm not confident she will accept those terms though, at least right now. Maybe when I discover and disclose her emails, messages, etc she may change her mind.
By the end of May I will have the divorce papers ready for her signature and plan on reviewing her computer (keystroke recorder now installed for 2-3months) and taking her cell phone to review the text messages and calls. Depending on how she reacts, we will pack up a uhaul trailer and I will let her drive her back after she signs the paperwork. I may also share my thoughts with OM too.
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I Need a Reality Check; Don't Want to Make a Mistake 
