SlowlyGettingWiser

And what EXACTLY do you think he's learned from all this yo-yoing? That no matter HOW BADLY he acts, you'll take him back.

It's like a kid who whines/nags. He whines/nags for 30 seconds, and then you give in. You get p*ssed and determine that you're not gonna put up with it. Next time, he whines/nags for 60 seconds before you can't stand it, and then you give in. The next time, he whines/nags for 2 minutes before you give in. You haven't taught him not to whine/nag...you've just taught him that he's gonna have to whine/nag LONGER before YOU GIVE IN. (At this point, it's a game and HE knows he's always gonna win eventually.)

And speaking of kids, you have been dragging your kids through this screwed-up mess for 6+ years!!! What are THEY thinking? What are THEY witnessing? What are THEY internalizing as correct behavior for grown men/women? What are they going to act like or accept as 'normal' behavior when THEY'RE spouses?

Do you REALLY want your sons to grow up to be cheaters/womanizers? You and H are presenting this as acceptable/normal behavior in marriage! Do you REALLY want your daughters to accept continual cheating from their husbands as 'normal' behavior in a marriage?

The upheaval in these kids' lives is tremendous! Dad's here, he's not. He's with mom, he's with GF. He's gone, he's back. He's gone again, he's back again. He's up, he's down, he's mad, she's glad, etc.....

You need to pull your 'big girl' panties up, and take care of this situation CORRECTLY and IMMEDIATELY before you create another generation of emotional abusers/users and another generation of victims. You'll be the ones listening to them (and their wives), you'll be watching your grandchildren live this cr*p.

Quit IGNORING this toxic behavior (on both your parts), quit WISHING it would go away, and quit HOPING it will all work out right. It IS toxic. It isn't going away. And nothing ever just 'works itself out.'

sunnybunny1

Chelsea - Agree

Slowly getting wiser - That's exactly right. What is the correct way to deal with this? He's asking me to get us into marriage counseling because he wants to deal with this too. I want individual counseling and marriage counseling since I do see that we both have issues that are factors in the situation. Do we or do we not stay together is the question. He says he loves me and wants to do whatever it takes to keep our family together so what do I do with that? I think just starting the counseling is the first step and figuring it out from there since Im hearing the kids tell me what they want and Im also thinking about what I want and I want to do the least painful thing for them but what is that? Them seeing this unhealthy pattern of relating between mom and dad as the example of a marriage and family or just having them go from one household to the other on specific days - moms new family then dads new family while theyre the step children. Im trying to figure out which one is the lesser of two evils and Im hoping counseling will help me come to a more informed conclusion.

Ive always suspected that the affair has gone under ground. My H seems so afraid to lose me but like Ive said - Im not ever going to under estimate her, or him. My problem is the co-dependency deal, no matter how many times Ive thought I was finally gone and out of his life he would tell me exactly what I want to hear and Id give in. Its a bad cycle that Ive allowed to go on for most of my life and yes...look who's in the cycle with us, the children.

SlowlyGettingWiser

I think you EACH need IC and together you need MC. It is hard to make a HEALTHY MARRIAGE (through MC) with two UNHEALTHY people. Thus, the need for IC x 2 AND MC.

For the sake of your children, you and H need TO AGREE that THIS IS THE LAST TIME you're going to go the MC route! This merry-go-round you two have dragged your kids on for THEIR ENTIRE LIVES is twisted! It ends NOW...either a SINCERE reconciliation OR a divorce. There are WORSE things for your kids than splitting their time at 2 houses and being step-children...like this convoluted, screwed-up 'marriage' you two currently have.

THIS should be the PRIMARY focus of your MC. Until the first MC session actually occurs, I would recommend that EVERYBODY should STAY WHERE THEY ARE NOW! If your H is currently living in your home, he should stay there until you meet with your MC and s/he can make a determination. If your H is NOT currently living in your home he should stay out until you meet with your MC and s/he can make a determination. Your kids have SEEN ENOUGH of the coming and going. Let a professional help you determine the best current living arrangement.

Your MC MAY recommend at some point that you and H physically separate for a while until certain boundaries have been established or certain actions have been undertaken. LISTEN to the MC...you're paying a professional for his/her opinion. Never mind what you and H think...it hasn't worked YOUR way, so give the professional a chance.

During your FIRST MC session, make sure you INSIST on the following:

1. Full disclosure to the MC. The Truth. The Whole Truth. No fudging on the facts, no glossing over the cr*ppy parts, no re-writing history. The WHOLE UGLY NASTY RIDICULOUS TRUTH! Your MC will NOT be able to help you OR YOUR CHILDREN if you're NOT willing to be 100% brutally honest. Face it, you two have nothing to lose...it can't get any worse than it is now!

2. Tell your husband that he has given you NO REASON to trust him. And it stops NOW. If he has ANYTHING to confess (like the affair has gone 'underground'), he better do it NOW. Because if he gives you even ONE more lie or subterfuge, you are going to file for divorce IMMEDIATELY. And, sunnybunny, YOU BETTER MEAN IT !!!! You two have dragged your poor kids to Hell and back REPEATEDLY. If he is NOT going to be 100% honest, then he is wasting EVERYBODY'S time and p*ssing away your kids' childhoods! And YOU are certainly not without fault in this whole mess, either.

This is the LAST CHANCE your family has of surviving this mess. YOU, sunnybunny, are the last hope your children have for a shot at 'normal'. Some/all of them may need IC or you may need family counseling when all is said and done. But you two made this situation what it is, and you two have to clean it up, however hard it may be.

mrstj4sho88

What your husband walked out on you and yall kids for some thrash? He dropped you like a bad habit. Question how did your cell phone get where he could read your text messages? You knew he was coming over and did not hide your phone? Come on now you wanted your husband to see the text messages. This man cheated on you for five years with that woman. Do you really think the affair is over? I think maybe your husband has gotten smarter about hiding it.The OW is his co-worker . She put up with him being married and still was sleeping with him. She may still be hanging around. With all those STD and AIDS out ,you took this man back. I hope you went to the doctor for a complete check up. You don't know what that OW might be caring . This man disrespected you and his kids for five years. No you can't trust him . Don't forget that man walked out on your family. IMO if you walk out you stay out !! Your husband gave you all kinds of weak excuses for his affair (it's no excuse to walk out on his kids). You let him come back now you had better keep one eye open. Once a cheat always a cheater..I wish you goodluck with your family.

mrstj4sho88

He walked out on you and the kids . He would have stayed out !! He keeps playing games with you. It is wrong for your kids to have to keep dealing with this kind of life. He is a very selfish man. Next time change the locks and move on. Your kids need to see you happy. It is very simple for me "you walk out you stay out"..

Almostrecovered

post is over 4 months old

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mrstj4sho88

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DaddyLongShanks

After studying these situations since 2007.5, I knew something like this would work.

He had an intense love affair and passion with the "new" one. When the wife showed him she could do the same thing, it's a great wakeup call. You didn't threaten him, complain or do anything wrong. You took care of yourself and he took quick notice.

Such a strategy that you implemented naturally is not really being touted by the professionals. But understanding the psychology of these situations, many of us come to understand a response like yours is almost a surefire way to see if you still have something with your almost-ex...