After 23 years of marriage I now realize that my wife's communication fits all the patterns of playing the victim. I've never been clearer about our relationship - unfortunately my clarity reveals a negative, seemingly insurmountable issue.
I realized it as she was debating an issue with one of our children. Now that they are all grown up with their own confidence and maturity, they challenge her in ways that I have never witnessed from the outside.
We have had many years of happiness and my wife and I have a wonderful core attraction and a strong moral committment to be together but now I've seen a pattern that fits our own communication and applies to all 23 years of unresolved fights.
Typically she criticizes some aspect of my behavior. If I'm calm I listen and see that much of what she says is true. She is extremely intelligent and her insights in to my behavior are often right on. But often her criticisms of me are based on traits that she and I both share. In lighter moments we joke about being .... whatever. But when she is down or ... something, she goes after me for things that she clearly feels about herself.
Instead of a helpful, loving reminder that I'm going off a bit, I'm painted as an example of everything evil. If I defend myself, even just to limit her criticisms - I'm being defensive. The cycle continues until she claims I just don't listen or my defensiveness blocks all reason.
Eventually she pulls back and is hurt by my inability to communicate. I beg for a reasonable discussion without the "hurt" stuff thrown in - just two flawed people helping to guide each others' extremes. My desire to be reasonable seems to push her away as if being reasonable is the last thing she wants. She pulls back claiming that I can't communicate and that there's no point.
Eventually I apologize, acknowledge the truth in what she has said and she ultimately accepts that I'm flawed, warns me that this can't keep happening and rallies to put it behind us.
I have recently watched the same pattern with our daughters. On several occasions I've seen one of them corner my wife with her own contradictions. It's pitiful. My wife then says the tone has become mean or harsh, tears flow and she pulls away. With me in the room I would know if the tone is inappropriate. But she pull the "tone argument" out of thin air. I never have allowed our childred to speak disrespectfully to either of us. My daughters inevitably feel terrible.
So now I see how that has contributed to so many past fights. So many times I just apologize and focus on how I can try to avoid these situations in the future. Lately though I've begun to call her on her victim tactics. She goes balistic! But, ironically I think the problems are less frequent - somewhere, sub-consciously she seems to respond. The problem is when they do happen they are more damaging without my incessant apologies.
I am determined to stick to my guns (metaphorically of course) and call her on her victim stance. I have no idea where it will lead.
Any advice would be welcomed.
Cheers
I realized it as she was debating an issue with one of our children. Now that they are all grown up with their own confidence and maturity, they challenge her in ways that I have never witnessed from the outside.
We have had many years of happiness and my wife and I have a wonderful core attraction and a strong moral committment to be together but now I've seen a pattern that fits our own communication and applies to all 23 years of unresolved fights.
Typically she criticizes some aspect of my behavior. If I'm calm I listen and see that much of what she says is true. She is extremely intelligent and her insights in to my behavior are often right on. But often her criticisms of me are based on traits that she and I both share. In lighter moments we joke about being .... whatever. But when she is down or ... something, she goes after me for things that she clearly feels about herself.
Instead of a helpful, loving reminder that I'm going off a bit, I'm painted as an example of everything evil. If I defend myself, even just to limit her criticisms - I'm being defensive. The cycle continues until she claims I just don't listen or my defensiveness blocks all reason.
Eventually she pulls back and is hurt by my inability to communicate. I beg for a reasonable discussion without the "hurt" stuff thrown in - just two flawed people helping to guide each others' extremes. My desire to be reasonable seems to push her away as if being reasonable is the last thing she wants. She pulls back claiming that I can't communicate and that there's no point.
Eventually I apologize, acknowledge the truth in what she has said and she ultimately accepts that I'm flawed, warns me that this can't keep happening and rallies to put it behind us.
I have recently watched the same pattern with our daughters. On several occasions I've seen one of them corner my wife with her own contradictions. It's pitiful. My wife then says the tone has become mean or harsh, tears flow and she pulls away. With me in the room I would know if the tone is inappropriate. But she pull the "tone argument" out of thin air. I never have allowed our childred to speak disrespectfully to either of us. My daughters inevitably feel terrible.
So now I see how that has contributed to so many past fights. So many times I just apologize and focus on how I can try to avoid these situations in the future. Lately though I've begun to call her on her victim tactics. She goes balistic! But, ironically I think the problems are less frequent - somewhere, sub-consciously she seems to respond. The problem is when they do happen they are more damaging without my incessant apologies.
I am determined to stick to my guns (metaphorically of course) and call her on her victim stance. I have no idea where it will lead.
Any advice would be welcomed.
Cheers