He doesn't understand...
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Old 04-27-2012, 09:28 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy He doesn't understand...

Ok, so life was all sunshine and roses for about 2 years, got engaged, hit a few rough patches and figured it would all smooth over. It's not. Every time we have a relationship discussion he has all these things that he said he was fine with but apparently he's not. He says he doesn't want to change them it's "just something he has to deal with". I have told him I would gladly give things up for him and he tells me not to because he knows how important they are to me. When I try to tell him he is more important than what I would be giving up he just keeps telling me no, he doesn't want that. I feel that he now thinks that I am totally self centered and that he will never come first. That is the price he pays to stay with me. I HATE THAT. I have tried to explain to him how much those type statements bother me but he just tells me they shouldn't. He says it just proves how much he loves me and that should make me happy. That his underlying opinion isn't what matters, just that we are together. I have tried to explain that it hurts me deeply that he has such a low opinion of me and that he feels the way he does. He just says it shouldn't matter what he thinks, i should just be happy we're together and love each other. What can I do? It hurts so bad knowing that the man I love unconditionally has such a low opinion of me.
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Old 04-27-2012, 09:50 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: He doesn't understand...

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Originally Posted by lostluv View Post
Ok, so life was all sunshine and roses for about 2 years, got engaged, hit a few rough patches and figured it would all smooth over. It's not. Every time we have a relationship discussion he has all these things that he said he was fine with but apparently he's not. He says he doesn't want to change them it's "just something he has to deal with". I have told him I would gladly give things up for him and he tells me not to because he knows how important they are to me. When I try to tell him he is more important than what I would be giving up he just keeps telling me no, he doesn't want that. I feel that he now thinks that I am totally self centered and that he will never come first. That is the price he pays to stay with me. I HATE THAT. I have tried to explain to him how much those type statements bother me but he just tells me they shouldn't. He says it just proves how much he loves me and that should make me happy. That his underlying opinion isn't what matters, just that we are together. I have tried to explain that it hurts me deeply that he has such a low opinion of me and that he feels the way he does. He just says it shouldn't matter what he thinks, i should just be happy we're together and love each other. What can I do? It hurts so bad knowing that the man I love unconditionally has such a low opinion of me.
Believe that he accepts you with all your flaws and love him for it? He said it and he meant it. Take him for his word.

I believe that the only unconditional relationship in life one will have is one with your child. Husband and wife? nope. Not possible. There are things you can do or say to one another that will make you unlovable or that are dealbreakers. No such thing as an unconditional love in a marriage.
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Old 04-27-2012, 10:16 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: He doesn't understand...

I never thought of it that way...was just focused on wanting him to think more highly of me...
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Old 04-27-2012, 10:18 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: He doesn't understand...

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Originally Posted by lostluv View Post
Ok, so life was all sunshine and roses for about 2 years, got engaged, hit a few rough patches and figured it would all smooth over. It's not. Every time we have a relationship discussion he has all these things that he said he was fine with but apparently he's not. He says he doesn't want to change them it's "just something he has to deal with". I have told him I would gladly give things up for him and he tells me not to because he knows how important they are to me. When I try to tell him he is more important than what I would be giving up he just keeps telling me no, he doesn't want that. I feel that he now thinks that I am totally self centered and that he will never come first. That is the price he pays to stay with me. I HATE THAT. I have tried to explain to him how much those type statements bother me but he just tells me they shouldn't. He says it just proves how much he loves me and that should make me happy. That his underlying opinion isn't what matters, just that we are together. I have tried to explain that it hurts me deeply that he has such a low opinion of me and that he feels the way he does. He just says it shouldn't matter what he thinks, i should just be happy we're together and love each other. What can I do? It hurts so bad knowing that the man I love unconditionally has such a low opinion of me.
I'm guessing that the way he communicates his opinion is causing your grief, not the opinion itself. If someone expresses their preferences in a judgmental or attacking fashion, their partner is understandably pained. Presenting oneself as a martyr is not very loving either. Hopefully he can express his likes and dislikes and leave it at that.
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Old 04-28-2012, 01:36 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: He doesn't understand...

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Originally Posted by lostluv View Post
Ok, so life was all sunshine and roses for about 2 years, got engaged, hit a few rough patches and figured it would all smooth over. It's not. Every time we have a relationship discussion he has all these things that he said he was fine with but apparently he's not. He says he doesn't want to change them it's "just something he has to deal with". I have told him I would gladly give things up for him and he tells me not to because he knows how important they are to me. When I try to tell him he is more important than what I would be giving up he just keeps telling me no, he doesn't want that. I feel that he now thinks that I am totally self centered and that he will never come first. That is the price he pays to stay with me. I HATE THAT. I have tried to explain to him how much those type statements bother me but he just tells me they shouldn't. He says it just proves how much he loves me and that should make me happy. That his underlying opinion isn't what matters, just that we are together. I have tried to explain that it hurts me deeply that he has such a low opinion of me and that he feels the way he does. He just says it shouldn't matter what he thinks, i should just be happy we're together and love each other. What can I do? It hurts so bad knowing that the man I love unconditionally has such a low opinion of me.
Can you elaborate at all on these "things?"
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