General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
My H lays in one morning a weekend. He's allways liked sleeping in.
We agreed I'd get up with the kids. It has worked OK for a while now. But he is getting up later and later. Used to be half eleven. Then after twelve. He is now hitting one in the afternoon and sometimes later. Last week he got up at 2pm. He consistently moans when he gets up real late that he wishes he hadn't.
Life is busy and I am noticing more and more that we cannot make family plans because he gets up so late. No day trips, fun rides out to the beach, stuff like that. When I get upset about it he says I shouldn't wait for him but just go do my own thing. But he misses the point. I do my own thing with the kids all week. He is at work then.
I don't begrudge him sleeping in but it's getting silly now. Family and friends think he's kidding when he says he got up at half past one. I get the "poor walkingwounded" comments and a sympathetic look. His guy friends can't believe it.
The trouble is I'm gonna feel like some kind of dictator if I say "get up at 10." I know whatever I say he is not going to like it! Any thoughts? Posted via Mobile Device
Is he staying up too late?
Is he depressed?
Is he faking it to get some alone time (perhaps reading a book)?
You can always do what my wife does when she wants me up: send in the kids. The youngest ones have knack for landing their knee on my full bladder every time. Guaranteed to get my behind out of bed.
This is a serious issue.
You cannot belong to a family if you don't participate.
Perhaps he is depressed. Is he taking anything that would make him sleep more? I'm on a powerful antihistamine and I take it at night and it knocks me off my feet. I can set the alarm on weekends and I still sleep in (til 9, which I consider very late.) If my kids are here though the longest I push it is 7:30.
You need to be absolutely honest with him and tell him that his lack of participation is having an effect on your feelings of family and also as a couple, and an individual. I think if I were stonewalled I would get a sitter on Saturday morning and Sunday morning and leave the kids with the sitter once in a while and go do something for yourself, something social. So there will be a sitter in the house, that's his problem. My bet is that he will start wondering where you are on these mornings that you are kid-free and will start to worry about what you're up to. I normally don't like to play games but honestly, the way he is acting you need to take care of yourself. The best you can do is to tell him you are concerned about your family and couple life and that you are going to start taking better care of yourself because it seems like you are heading for the end of the relationship. You can get counseling, but if he doesn't listen to or honor your concerns, there is not much you can do to change his behavior. My guess is that he can check out because he knows you will be with the kids, that's a bit like tethering your goat on the lawn when you can't keep an eye on it. That's dirty play, using the kids as an anchor for your wife while you do as you like. The maneuver I would make is a babysitter, and to go do something you've wanted to do for yourself during the week but can't because you are a responsible, caring, parent.
Hubby sleeps in on the weekends, but is usually up by 8-9. I'm his alarm clock during the week. We try to keep quiet on the weekends, but sometimes the kids are having too much fun playing. My girls are best of friends.
There are many reasons one might want/need to sleep in on the weekend. Hey might be developing a chronic pain/fatigue issue. Or it may be anxiety or depression induced like others have suggested. It might just be that he overworks his body during the week and needs to catch up on the weekend.
You think he doesn't want to be with you and the children? You wouldn't have married him if you didn't trust that he would do his best to be an active husband and father. Many families don't have a father who lives at home and provides an income for the family. I would try and take the loving/grateful approach on this one. Pressing him about this will probably do very little to make him want to get up earlier.
Not every human has the same energy level or ability to get up early. If he is holding his full-time job, not exhibiting other health symptoms, and isn't blaming you or the children for his sleeping in, I would just let this go.
Depression maybe?
Maybe just not wanting to hang with you and the kids, avoidance, not wanting to help do anything etc.
Suggest him seeing a medical doctor. Tell him you are concerned about him sleeping so late. And you're hoping nothing is wrong. If he wont go or gets mad, then its probably nothing medical anyway.
Life is busy and I am noticing more and more that we cannot make family plans because he gets up so late. No day trips, fun rides out to the beach, stuff like that.
I broke my husband of this by being GONE when he got up. I started doing fun stuff without him on a regular basis and he hated being left out so he started getting up earlier.
and what... exactly... is the problem? You mentioned a bunch of red herring stuff. But what's really eating you about this?
A combination of factors.
First. I feel I am being taken for granted. I do a lot in the week with the kids. It is fun but it's also hard work. He knows I think this. I feel to a degree he is avoiding his responsibilities and thinking it OK for me to continue looking after the kids on my own for a bigger and bigger chunk of the weekend.
Second. We agreed I could lay in the other weekend day. What inevitably happens is I end up having to get up whilst he lays dead to the world. He admits he overindulges the night before and gies to bed really late knowing it's his turn in the morning. He then naps on the sofa and I inevitably get disturbed when I go back to bed for a bit by the kids wanting stuff that they can't get their dad to help with because he's asleep.
Third. I can never make plans for us all together to do stuff. Any other day is difficult and he knows that. He allways says he wishes he'd gotten up earlier so we could have done something productive. Posted via Mobile Device
See? NOW I think we're getting somewhere. The problem is not his sleeping in. The problem is the three impacts that has on your life. I would be addressing those rather than sleep schedules.
Have you tried going to him and saying that rather than "you sleep in too late?" Did you do so in a loving, non-confrontational way? If so, what happened?
that_girl that is a very good way to describe how I feel. I feel I do so much as a mom without him (through necessity with him being at work) that when he's here I don't want to be still left carrying all the responsibility. Posted via Mobile Device
First. I feel I am being taken for granted. I do a lot in the week with the kids. It is fun but it's also hard work. He knows I think this. I feel to a degree he is avoiding his responsibilities and thinking it OK for me to continue looking after the kids on my own for a bigger and bigger chunk of the weekend.
Second. We agreed I could lay in the other weekend day. What inevitably happens is I end up having to get up whilst he lays dead to the world. He admits he overindulges the night before and gies to bed really late knowing it's his turn in the morning. He then naps on the sofa and I inevitably get disturbed when I go back to bed for a bit by the kids wanting stuff that they can't get their dad to help with because he's asleep.
Third. I can never make plans for us all together to do stuff. Any other day is difficult and he knows that. He allways says he wishes he'd gotten up earlier so we could have done something productive. Posted via Mobile Device
Sorry but to me it does sound like he is avoiding do things he knows he should or could help with, AKA taking you for granted.). Kids are waking you back up because he is asleep, so you see he isn't doing his part. Does he know that you are having to get back up with the kids once you lay down etc? If not let him know, then see if he continues on sleeping or if he makes a real effort to get up. If its depression or something else, then he needs t be seen by a doctor, suggest that too.
that_girl that is a very good way to describe how I feel. I feel I do so much as a mom without him (through necessity with him being at work) that when he's here I don't want to be still left carrying all the responsibility. Posted via Mobile Device
That's how I feel too and how THEY would feel if they were usually the caregivers.
Hubs and I both work. he has longer hours so I'm home more with the kids. Fine. But on his days off, he better get up and be a dad. Just as I'm expected to get up and be a mom.
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H's sleeping in getting later and later... 
