Am I Over Thinking This?

backik · 03-12-2009, 02:17 PM

Hello everyone!

This is my first time posting on this forum, everyone here seems like they're all nice, respectful and intelligent people. Your opinions are greatly appreciated!

I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years. We have a happy relationship. We spend a lot of time together yet also do our own things as well, we share a lot of the same values/ideals, we love each other and we don't really have a whole lot of conflict... very little drama. In fact, I'd say our relationship is "boring". In a sense we have a perfectly good relationship.

Since I'm in my late 20's and he in this early 30's, it's just natural that we start thinking about our future together: possibly getting married, family, career, etc. I do see myself spending the rest of my life with this person which is why we're dedicated to one another.

There is one thing that does slightly bother me and I want to get an outside opinion on the situation.

Although my bf is a wonderful person, he suffers from major indecisiveness (hey, we all have our flaws right?) He was born into a wealthy family and knew he'd be financially comfortable for the rest of his life. He went to top 3 schools and has his JD so he's very educated and smart. B/c he was born into some wealthy, he's always known that money provides him with options in life that the rest of us don't have. He gets to do as he pleases and if he doesn't like something, he quits.

Because of the fact that he has options, he's never really stuck to much in life. In the 2 1/2 years we've been together, he's been employed for 1 year (and is currently unemployed). This is reflected in his job history. I helped him revise his resume and saw that he has a long string of jobs where he worked a year and then quit. He went to law school and is a member of the BAR association yet has decided that he doesn't really want to pursue law. When he applies for jobs he looks for dream jobs where he's WAY over qualified and has little experience in and gets down when he doesn't get the job.

His family has a history of this as well. His father hasn't worked much in life either and his sister who is slightly younger that he is hasn't worked in 6 years. You could say they are typical trust fund babies. He acknowledges this and does not want to go down this path. He really wants to be able to work a job that he can be more serious in (given that he's at that age where he doesn't want to hop job to job) but sometimes I feel that he usually doesn't know what he wants. He's struggling at the moment.

This is something that bothers me. If we're looking to have a long future together, I feel that this is something that could be an issue. Frankly I don't want a husband who is chronically unemployed and I don't want to raise children w/someone who isn't bringing in any income most of the time. I never nag him about this and am very supportive of him finding the right path for him... this is just something I've been thinking about lately in my own head.

I don't understand why he can't just do SOMETHING with this time, working in the mean time to find out what he wants to do instead of waiting around for opportunities to come.... esp. with how he feels so uncomfortable with how his father and sister are in life. He hasn't worked in over a year and spends his time working out and not doing a whole lot.

Sure, people think, "Well if he has money and doesn't need to work, is financially fine w/o working... then why are you making an issue out of it?" Although he was born with money, his money will not last forever; he does not have THAT kind of wealth. I see all of his friends, who are equally as intelligent as he is... moving on in life and are accomplishing so many things while I see he has stalled.

The fact that he has money doesn't bother me... I went to private schools with wealthy people most of my life and am secure in myself. I guess I'm feeling bothered b/c I'm the exact opposite of this situation. My parents were poor but worked their tails off to give me opportunities. By the time I started college my family was not wealthy... but we were definitely above middle class. I've always been an ambitious, hard working person and this has transferred into my adult life.

I don't want to see him as being a lazy person but there are times when I do view him as unambitious... and I don't like the fact that I think this way sometimes. I do love him and understand that if I love him, I need to have faith that things will work out. Am I so wrong to feel this way?

Blanca · 03-12-2009, 04:29 PM

well i can kind of understand where your H is coming from. Although i didnt have money growing up, my mom always made it seem like we did and she would buy us whatever we wanted. and i was pretty good at just about whatever i did. Most people do see it as being lazy but really its just a lack of interest. nothing is very interesting because one can do whatever they want. it creates an ennui in life.

He'll have to have some kind of external motivation. I was raised to think I had to do something big, something impressive. maybe your H feels that way, too. but one thing i did was volunteer coach at the YMCA and in an older adults fitness class. i loved it. it was nothing big, nothing impressive, but it kept me motivated.

briannak · 03-12-2009, 04:43 PM

On the other hand, If you all do get married and have children, you wont need to find a baby sitter. Maybe you should get him a pet. It worked for me and my husband. My husband might not treat me all that great but he works to feed his dog, he loves that thing, or course im super jealous of it. Boo!

backik · 03-12-2009, 07:14 PM

Hi Blanca,

You make a good point, I think it is lack of motivation in addition to indecisiveness. When he tries to do things that interest him (apply for jobs that seem fun and what he could be into) and gets shot down when it doesn't pan out.

At the moment he does do volunteer work, which has helped fill up his time more and he does like it. He just isn't doing anything that makes him tick.

Blanca · 03-13-2009, 12:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by backik

At the moment he does do volunteer work, which has helped fill up his time more and he does like it. He just isn't doing anything that makes him tick.

Well i dont really know your H, but maybe you are comparing him to you too much. You seem to have a very zealous ambition, and believe me there's nothing wrong with that, but maybe your H is more complacent. Maybe what makes him tick is really simple and just different. maybe he's not ambitious, and maybe working out everyday, different jobs here and there is what makes him tick. i guess its just something he'll have to figure out. I always thought i would do something great too, contribute in some big way, something that would just do it for me, puff up my pride, give me great self-esteem. but the funny thing is while i was chasing after this something big i was missing all the little things that were doing it for me. working out, reading a good book, taking my dog to the river, helping someone here and there, that really does it for me. not in a big way but in a mellow, kind of way. I dont know if that's how your H feels, but maybe he feels like he should be something that he's just not.