General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Hi all, just joined the site as I found it online looking for advice on how to fix my marriage.
Here is a little background, im 30, so is my wife, and we have a very busy 2 year old boy. We have been together since high school, and we married 4 years ago. In most aspects our family life is great. She is a stay at home mother, and I have an incredibly demanding and stressful job.
She is the alpha in our household, and she will admit to being a "controlling person". Yet she tells me she wants me to be more of a man and make more descisions... I dont get it?
My wife came to me and told me that her needs arent being met, and that she loves me but is not "in love" with me. I am not meeting her needs in this regard. I know this is my fault, I've never been a romantic guy, and she tells me that she doesn't care because she is not into the "sappy" stuff.
However we started having discussions about me not showing her that I love her, that she needs more. These talks have gone on for quite awhile (my fault for not acting on it), and now she is very resentful of me to the point that she doesn't know how much longer we can make it work. I know I screwed up big time.
Now, I need to state that we are financially stable, but we do not have extra spending money as we made the descision as a couple that her staying home with our son is best.
I cant take us away to couples retreats, I cant afford to take trips with her or to even really go out for dinner.
So I decided to start off with movie nights at home, just the two of us, but it seems that it has just fallen on deaf ears so to speak. I bought her flowers for valentines day and she basically shrugged them off as a poor attempt. (dont get me wrong, i understand that a nice homemade dinner and more would have been better, but I work 15 hour days... everyday...)
Im trying to find little things to do for her that aren't "cheesy" or "sappy", but Im falling short.
Basically I think I may be fighting against her resentment for the situation I've put us in, we talked about counselling but we cant afford it.
If anyone has any advice they could give me it would be greatly appreciated.
more folks will be on here shortly with more advice, but one thing that has been proven time after time, it's when you get the "love you, but not in love" speech, the spouse that says it is having feelings for someone else. Not saying your wife is sleeping with another man yet, but you need to do some reading in the "coping with infidelity" section of this forum, and read the newbie links. DO NOT confront her about it until you have read and preferably posted on there, as those guys and gals can really help you get through it.
I understand your situation and to be honest it was much/is like my own in regards to your wife... She may mean she would like you to suprise her by comming up, wrapping your arms around her and whispering sweet nothings in her ear. She could also mean she would like you to be able to do things such as tending to your son without having to ask and see if its ok with her.. She knows you have a brain and are perfectly capable of seeing something that needs done... and doing it.. perhaps that might be it in regards to the more of a man thing.. or... it could be related to... defending her in some way if there is an issue between family members, friends, and her. She may also say she doesn't like sappy things but that doesn't mean it's true... I've said that to my husband when in reality i wanted him to suprise me with flowers, a poem, a song, candle lit dinner, ect. I'm not saying that this is what she necessarily wants.. but these are a few suggestions... My hubby and I recently decided that we now both have to work(having two kids and one on the way) in order to be able to financially support ourselves and do anything like going out to the movies and whatnot. Of course he wasn't into the .. me wanting to become an rn because he was so used to being the breadwinner... but... I assured him it's not about who makes what.. its about being able to afford to do nice things for the entire family. She may also consider wanting to work to be able to free up more time for the both of you... not saying she does but perhaps she is secretly thinking it. I know I had for quite awhile before actually outright telling my husband.
She is the alpha in our household, and she will admit to being a "controlling person". Yet she tells me she wants me to be more of a man and make more descisions... I dont get it?
That's because you are thinking reasonably. I hear this a lot in other circles where topics of control are much more common. The general mindset is that they want a man to TAKE control... to best them in some sort of emotional combat. It's all very romantic in a harlequin romance sort of way. It just doesn't make any sense in the non-fantasy world.
My wife came to me and told me that her needs arent being met
Oh really? And for how long have her needs been going unmet before she decided to clue you in?
and that she loves me but is not "in love" with me.
Interpretation, she doesn't love you. Whenever anyone resorts to confusing doublespeak you can pretty much assume they are deliberately hiding something.
Here's my best guess. She doesn't want romance or movies or flowers. She wants you to "be a man" and take charge. Then, of course, she can blame you for doing so. I personally don't think you've done much wrong here. I think your wife needs to get a WHOLE lot clearer on what she wants. I also think she needs to stop playing games with you.
My suggestion is that you look at the books linked to under building a passionate marriage in my signature block below. They will tell you how to go about finding out what you wife needs and how to go about filling her needs.
Why are you working so many hours daily. This is probably the biggest contributor to the problems in your marriage. How can she feel loved if you are hardly ever there with her?
While I understand that having a SAHW is a very nice idea, it’s very hard for most families in this day and age to be able to afford this. You would be better served with both of you working and then you can both share all of the home and child rearing responsibilities. And you would both have time to be together and hopefully a few dollars to go out.
Also, you don’t have to go to expensive restaurants and entertainment to spend romantic time together. Picnics are a great way to do this…. For example here where I live a walk along the river and then a picnic along the river is very romantic… even if it’s just a bottle of wine, cheese and fruit. Or a hike in the mountains with a picnic.
So window shopping at the mall or somewhere else that its’ fun to walk around. Pack a lunch/dinner or eat at the mall food court.. hardly expensive.
Search on-line for free or almost free things to do in your area. For example there is an ‘art walk’ in one of the little towns next to my town today. It’s a 5 minute drive from here. Its fun… just stroll from shop to shop, eat their snacks, talk to the artists and watch them work on their art.
Check with your local church’s, they have very inexpensive getaways that you two can take advantage of. There are things like Marriage Encounter… if you cannot afford the fee (usually no more than $150 a couple) they usually have donations to cover it. I would highly suggest a marriage encounter weekend for you two. It’s a great marriage tune up.
If you don’t have a baby sitter find another couple in the same boat you are in and swap off child care. Even try creating a child care co-op for parents to do the swapping.
There are so many people on this board who are betrayed spouses so often they jump to the conclusion if there are marital issues that an affair must be the reason. I'm not so sure based on what you've said it's an affair.
It sounds to me like she has tried to be open with you regarding her needs. You said the talks between you have gone on for a while. Why are you not working on the issues that she's told you about?
What are her needs as she stated them?
The one marriage book that helped me the most was The Five Love Languages. You might be "speaking" a different love language to her than what she speaks. We each have different ways of showing love. Some people do it through acts of service and others by affection or words of admiration or gifts or quality time or physical touch. If your way of showing love is to do things around the house and her way of showing love is something else, you're speaking two foreign languages to each other and each feels "unloved". Do you see what I'm saying?
It looks like you two have a disconnect in how you express love to one another. Flowers, candy, teddy bears may not be what she wants. You need to do what she wants and vice versa.
She also has a lot of resentment. That's why your efforts which are probably the wrong love language anyway aren't pentrating through her walls.
I read a lot of "I can't" do this statements in your post above. You said it at least four times. My question to you, if you "can't" do those things - Can you afford to be divorced?
1) Your wife doesn't really want to be controlling. She wants you to make decisions and take a lot more charge in your relationship and with your family. She's tired of being the one to make all the decisions. She wants you to be the alpha. Figure out what that means to her. An example I can think of from a SAHM perspective: Tell her what you'd like for dinner on some nights. The people telling you to Man Up will be here shortly.
2)Romance is different to everyone, and people who aren't into traditional sappy stuff want their kind of romance. Figure out what kind of romance she wants. I'm not into sappy stuff either, my husband bringing home flowers would annoy the crap out of me. There is a book and test "5 love Languages" which someone will be along with to read and take the test and figure out what romance is to her, and what her needs are. The test is free and could possibly be helpful in figuring out what romance is to her.
3) ILYBINILWY is the acronym for
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My wife came to me and told me that her needs arent being met, and that she loves me but is not "in love" with me.
I love you but I'm not in love with you. Like humanbecoming said, this is very dangerous territory. She may or may not be cheating, but she is close. Your wife is probably bored, misses(ed) you and without you 'dating' her, she may try and find it somewhere else.
Coffee said everything I was thinking as I read your post. You may not be able to afford some things, but surely you can afford a book? The 5 Languages of Love
I can't agree that the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" is automatically a sign that someone's interested in a new person. Too many people feel that way simply because they feel bored or under-appreciated.
"I can't agree that the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" is automatically a sign that someone's interested in a new person. Too many people feel that way simply because they feel bored or under-appreciated."
Exactly... But, it should be checked and ruled out... No password protected phone, check carrier records for calls and texts, and computer for emails/Facebook contacting. Then, if that is clean, jump in and change.... "man up" so to speak, and make her fall in love again.
I would like to add my 2 cents....you can't afford dinner out or counseling but can you afford a divorce attorney? Seriously, counseling since u said you both have discussed it is your best viable option, I think there is more to what your wife is saying, don't jump to the affair inclusion, but more of a discionnected, not feeling like friends or lovers and instead like roommates conclusion, and that takes a while to change. First I hat when people use the not in love with you phrase because often the feeling of in love people attribute to the early relationship infactuation feelings,which wears off in every relationship and deeper love grows. I would not do movie night, what you need is to talk, reconnect emotionally and physically, be friends again,have fun again, do things without having to be asked, treat her like you did when you were dating, say thank you for things and mean it. Her initial telling you, you should have started asking questions then, but you didn't however it is not too late, yes she maybe angry, but often anger is masked hurt, it's easier to express anger and resentment than hurt. Talk to her. Stay p late light some candles and just talk again like when ou were first dating, maybe you can get the answers find wha she wants, tell her wha you want, avoid the counselor and make your wife fall for you again. I found an interesting article on here somewhere about the stages of relationships that talks about this very thing,the need to keep love, mostly passion strong, and that it takes effort...much like ensuring a candle has enough wick to keep buring. Posted via Mobile Device
All of this started after the birth of our son 2 years ago.
Before we were an easy going couple who simply enjoyed spending time together, we were a really strong couple and our dynamic worked very well.
Afterwards it was the "man-up" talk, and then later the needs conversations started happening, they first started out as "you dont make me feel sexy, I want you to show me you want me" conversations. She had developed a poor body image when he body didn't return to her original shape and I think it really hurt her confidence. I never ever down talked her or said anything but compliments when talking about her looks, and I meant it, she is a beautiful woman. I started being more physically attentive to her, trying to show her that I still was bonkers for her.
The talks switched over to her romantic needs after that. I must admit that I am at a loss with the romance part as it had never been a factor in our relationship before, we were always happy with just spending quality time having fun. Like I said before, I started doing things like movie night at home cuddled up on the couch, but I need to step it up a notch.
Then 6 months ago I got promoted, and I took the position, before I was a general contractor. I had to spend weeks on end away from town doing projects, worked essentially 10 - 12 day on then 4-5 days off. I took the position so that I could be home every night and not be away from home any longer. It didn't quite work out as well as I thought, as with management came more hours, mostly because I have to commute 1.5 hours each way into the city. We are fixing this problem as we are moving 20 minutes away from my office at the end of June.
Basically I feel like she has decided that the dynamic of the relationship has to change, and she is probably right. However I find myself struggling to catch up with the speed of changes that she needs, and now she resents me for it as I havn't changed at the speed she needs me to.
How do I work through the resentment, I can change...
Im going to go pick up the reccommended readings, I have read a bunch of books and articles, but there is so much out there that is a "this is what you do to be sappy and romantic" guide line. And I dont think that is what she needs.
You need to ask her to be very clear on what she needs and wants, explain just like you did to us here at tam how much you love her and want to work it out and are willing to change but you are not a ind reader, you need to know what she wants...some ideas, she doesn't have to give you all the ideas, and she won't want to, because we don't as woman want our husband to do something just because we said it, we want them to do t because they want to. Having a baby definitely changes a woman's body image and it sounds like she may have had some post partum issues too. Did she give you specifics? Did she say I want you to show me you love me? And you did nothing? Sometimes it can be as smile as taking the kids for the day for me, my husband drawing me a bath to relax in, having my cup of coffee out for me ahead of time, helping me set the table for dinner, cooking breakfasting Sunday, going for a walk....we don't have money either. Posted via Mobile Device
Are you looking for more ideas? There is a thread on here romantic things to do for free.....also at the same ime spice things up in the bedroom, show her you want her that way too. Posted via Mobile Device
You could also let her read what you posted here if its hard for you to explain it in words... I would like to suggest trying lovepong.com as well. My hubby and I recently started it and our relationship has improved... it's a game that helps with communication between couples... makes it fun as well.
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my wifes needs... 
