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Old 04-29-2012, 03:29 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Default Re: What to do when one partner is infertile and you want a family?

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So you feel the same way about a random child on the street as you do about your own son/daughter? I feel like you are being really unfair to me. How is it objectionable that I would feel more towards MY child over a child I don't know at all?
The people who genuinely feel this way deep deep within their souls are the ones who forgo having their own children by choice....they go above & beyond and look to adopt those who are "waiting childen"....there are such wonderful people in this world. The ones who say this...and have never adopted themselves, I see it as a little bit of lip service personally.

Do I want to adopt...not really. Those who do..guess what, they are better than I... more loving, more giving even.....but I still don't need therapy!
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Old 04-29-2012, 03:29 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Default Re: What to do when one partner is infertile and you want a family?

I think to answer the question fairly you have to consider what if you were the infertile one of the couple? Would it be OK for your wife to leave you? George and Martha Washington never had their own children. Do you think that Martha should have left George?

We get married for better or for worse. There is medical intervention for infertile couples. If this is unsucessful, then there is a decision to be made. Do you get married just to have children, or are you committed to your spouse no matter what fate has in store for you?

There are no guarantees in life. People of character realize that life may deal them an unfair blow, but they are willing to accept it and move on with grace.
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Old 04-29-2012, 03:30 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Default Re: What to do when one partner is infertile and you want a family?

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So you feel the same way about a random child on the street as you do about your own son/daughter? I feel like you are being really unfair to me. How is it objectionable that I would feel more towards MY child over a child I don't know at all?
Yes. All children should be cherished, shown love, and protected. All the children in my neighborhood know me. Most of the children in my kids schools know me. I volunteer a lot with kids. Each and every one of them hold a spot in my heart. I would do anything I had to to make sure they are safe.
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Old 04-29-2012, 03:37 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Default Re: What to do when one partner is infertile and you want a family?

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The people who genuinely feel this way deep deep within their souls are the ones who forgo having their own children by choice....they go above & beyond and look to adopt those who are "waiting childen"....there are such wonderful people in this world. The ones who say this...and have never adopted themselves, I see it as a little bit of lip service personally.

Do I want to adopt...not really. Those who do..guess what, they are better than I... more loving, more giving even.....but I still don't need therapy!
Wrong. I have my own children, and still feel this way in my soul. I have see a lot on this planet, and child abuse/neglect is rampant. I can look at any child and find a place in my heart to truly care about them. You can change a child's world all by giving them some attention and someone to come to when things aren't going well.
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Old 04-29-2012, 03:38 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Default Re: What to do when one partner is infertile and you want a family?

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Yes. All children should be cherished, shown love, and protected. All the children in my neighborhood know me. Most of the children in my kids schools know me. I volunteer a lot with kids. Each and every one of them hold a spot in my heart. I would do anything I had to to make sure they are safe.
Fair enough. I think that is really admirable of you. I don't want to get painted as a child-hater. I love kids too and I would never hurt a child. But for whatever reason I feel more towards my child versus other children.

My daughter is like a miracle to me. I was convinced for the longest time I would never have children so she is extra-special to me. I'm not sure if that makes things any different but I think it might help explain why I feel the way I do. I would do anything for my daughter. I can't say that I would do anything for any random child at her daycare. Maybe I'm the only person who feels this way though.
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Old 04-29-2012, 03:41 PM   #21 (permalink)
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Default Re: What to do when one partner is infertile and you want a family?

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I didn't say everyone who wanted their own biological children need therapy, but I do think those who will cause hurt and pain to other people, including their infertile spouse all for that biological child probably need therapy.
Sorry that is how I took it originally written. I was a living basketcase when I couldn't conceive...I could have treated my husband nicer during that time. So I guess I am guilty too.

Unless you have walked the infertility road, I wouldn't judge. I did, and I even had one kid...so in it's way, I guess I was really an ungrateful witch!

I went to a Infertility Retreat, friends with the leader.... where I sat among numerous couples who couldn't conceive, I felt like I didn't belong there...and maybe I didn't..... I felt their pain, the sadness in thier eyes....I cried with them. I planted a tree with them, for the children we all hoped to have someday. Very very difficult road to walk. Whether it is the husband or the wife.

When that is a DESIRE of the HEART.... it rarely goes away... and sometimes we aren't thinking too clearly....like this poster.


Most difficult in my life. Even the Bible calls the barren womb one of the 3 things that are never satisfied, there is a reason it is compared to the grave.

Proverbs 30:15-16

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There are 3 things that are never satisfied .
Four that never say "Enough"
The Grave, the barren womb,
Land which is never satisfied with water, '
and Fire, which never says "enough".
At least I felt GOD understood me during that time , even though when going through it I was mad as hell at Him!
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Old 04-29-2012, 03:52 PM   #22 (permalink)
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Default Re: What to do when one partner is infertile and you want a family?

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Sorry that is how I took it originally written. I was a living basketcase when I couldn't conceive...I could have treated my husband nicer during that time. So I guess I am guilty too.

Unless you have walked the infertility road, I wouldn't judge. I did, and I even had one kid...so in it's way, I guess I was really an ungrateful witch!

I went to a Infertility Retreat, friends with the leader.... where I sat among numerous couples who couldn't conceive, I felt like I didn't belong there...and maybe I didn't..... I felt their pain, the sadness in thier eyes....I cried with them. I planted a tree with them, for the children we all hoped to have someday. Very very difficult road to walk. Whether it is the husband or the wife.

When that is a DESIRE of the HEART.... it rarely goes away... and sometimes we aren't thinking too clearly....like this poster.


Most difficult in my life. Even the Bible calls the barren womb one of the 3 things that are never satisfied, there is a reason it is compared to the grave.

Proverbs 30:15-16



At least I felt GOD understood me during that time , even though when going through it I was mad as hell at Him!
Asking, not accusing, this question LOL. If you hadn't been able to conceive again, would you have sought out any way possible to have a child, including leaving him and being impregnated by someone else? Would you risk losing your husband to have that biological child?

I think a byproduct of this thread is the fact that it really does depend on whether or not you are the one unable to produce children.
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Old 04-29-2012, 03:59 PM   #23 (permalink)
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Default Re: What to do when one partner is infertile and you want a family?

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Wrong. I have my own children, and still feel this way in my soul. I have see a lot on this planet, and child abuse/neglect is rampant. I can look at any child and find a place in my heart to truly care about them. You can change a child's world all by giving them some attention and someone to come to when things aren't going well.
And I do this as well. My house is filled with children all the time, some practically live there, always the open door...and I want to keep it that way (unless the kids show trouble -then they're booted)... I come home and wonder...hmmm whose shoes are here today!

I talk to every one of them, and if their life sucks at home, all the more do I care for them, and try to guide them in a good way...to not mess their life up -as they go into these teen yrs where every one seems to go wild & crazy.

I was a child who had a SUCKY existence at home...my best friends family was more MY family growing up, thank God for them! They were my mentors. I was never physically abused but some might say it bordered "emotional" abuse, the step mom wanted my dad to herself. (We get along great today though)

What really is the answer to so many unwanted children on this earth? Birth control is everywhere, this doesn't appear to be doing the trick. Some are so irresponsible, it is just plain sad.

What can we do... but be "examples" for others, show them a better way.
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Old 04-29-2012, 04:03 PM   #24 (permalink)
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Default Re: What to do when one partner is infertile and you want a family?

DawnD Just out of curiosity. If the genetics do not matter at all to you why did you not just adopt children? Why have your own biological children if it makes no difference? Like you said there are many neglected and abused children. Surely it is better to save one of those children than have your own and leave them neglected?
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Old 04-29-2012, 04:03 PM   #25 (permalink)
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Default Re: What to do when one partner is infertile and you want a family?

I'm a teacher and I get 30+ ten year olds a year. I don't know them from adam, but i love them. By the end of the year, I love them like my own children.

You don't know your own child either at birth. Just because you share blood DOES NOT mean you'll bond. Believe me.
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Old 04-29-2012, 04:07 PM   #26 (permalink)
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Default Re: What to do when one partner is infertile and you want a family?

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And I do this as well. My house is filled with children all the time, some practically live there, always the open door...and I want to keep it that way (unless the kids show trouble -then they're booted)... I come home and wonder...hmmm whose shoes are here today!

I talk to every one of them, and if their life sucks at home, all the more do I care for them, and try to guide them in a good way...to not mess their life up -as they go into these teen yrs where every one seems to go wild & crazy.

I was a child who had a SUCKY existence at home...my best friends family was more MY family growing up, thank God for them! They were my mentors. I was never physically abused but some might say it bordered "emotional" abuse, the step mom wanted my dad to herself. (We get along great today though)

What really is the answer to so many unwanted children on this earth? Birth control is everywhere, this doesn't appear to be doing the trick. Some are so irresponsible, it is just plain sad.

What can we do... but be "examples" for others, show them a better way.
I actually had a great family life, but growing up military, we saw a lot of really horrible things going on. To spare one child some of the things we saw is worth all the time in the world.

I don't understand the overwhelming number of unwanted children at all. I do understand bad situations happening ( rape, incest, etc,etc) but I am unsure how many kids in the system are there because of those things.

We have a boy in my son's SKILLS class ( he is autistic) who is purely there because he is so neglected he can't function in a general education classroom. Breaks my heart. I spend so much time with him and my son trying to build them up so they can get on the train and be in general education. If I ever see his parents I might throw something at them... lol
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Old 04-29-2012, 04:10 PM   #27 (permalink)
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Default Re: What to do when one partner is infertile and you want a family?

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DawnD Just out of curiosity. If the genetics do not matter at all to you why did you not just adopt children? Why have your own biological children if it makes no difference? Like you said there are many neglected and abused children. Surely it is better to save one of those children than have your own and leave them neglected?
I do plan on adopting, just not until my oldest (autistic) is more able to function on his own.

My H wanted to try for some kids, so we tried. We were very lucky with our two boys. He is also very aware of my feeling for adoption and we will be working on that in the next couple of years.
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Old 04-29-2012, 04:33 PM   #28 (permalink)
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Default Re: What to do when one partner is infertile and you want a family?

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Asking, not accusing, this question LOL. If you hadn't been able to conceive again, would you have sought out any way possible to have a child, including leaving him and being impregnated by someone else? Would you risk losing your husband to have that biological child?

I think a byproduct of this thread is the fact that it really does depend on whether or not you are the one unable to produce children.
NO, I would NOT have left my husband but ...had his sperm count been the issue.... I would have gotten donor sperm, Oh yes, that would have been easy, and he wouldn't have minded... Yes, we talked about that. But he was just fine at 195,000 sperm count with excellent mobilty. Our OBGYN told us our Post Coiltal test was the BEST he ever seen in his career. That was pretty neat.

It was more My issue, after the C-section (they waited to long after my water broke), this caused adhesions to bind up my tubes, like co-webs in my womb, the Laparocopy confirmed this & corrected it..

It is so much harder when it IS the woman.... she generally cares 10 times more than the husband, and makes his life very difficult...most women get depressed.

I was never the type to get depressed... I get MAD. So I would just rant about not being able to conceive, I would outright tell my friends I was jealous, kinda joke with them -what lucky son of B****es they are. I tried to keep a sense of humor, but I was still pissed off. I think all of my friends were relieved when I finally got pregnant again- so they wouldn't have to hear my mouth anymore.

I don't feel I could handle his sperm going in another woman...because I would fear she would want that baby (and she has that right)...and that baby would feel an attachment to HER over me, since genetically it would be hers, and not mine. So a surrogate situation I wouldn't have wanted anything to do with.

It is very very sad , even angers me that women have to go through this. Today we are breeding a society on casual sex, as many partners as we want!! This is a HUGE Risk for future fertilty..., as some STD's render a woman infertile. And then some of the women who didn't do a damn thing wrong, has these issues, life is just not fair.

STD's That Cause Infertility
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Old 04-29-2012, 06:13 PM   #29 (permalink)
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Default Re: What to do when one partner is infertile and you want a family?

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NO, I would NOT have left my husband but ...had his sperm count been the issue.... I would have gotten donor sperm, Oh yes, that would have been easy, and he wouldn't have minded... Yes, we talked about that. But he was just fine at 195,000 sperm count with excellent mobilty. Our OBGYN told us our Post Coiltal test was the BEST he ever seen in his career. That was pretty neat.

It was more My issue, after the C-section (they waited to long after my water broke), this caused adhesions to bind up my tubes, like co-webs in my womb, the Laparocopy confirmed this & corrected it..

It is so much harder when it IS the woman.... she generally cares 10 times more than the husband, and makes his life very difficult...most women get depressed.

I was never the type to get depressed... I get MAD. So I would just rant about not being able to conceive, I would outright tell my friends I was jealous, kinda joke with them -what lucky son of B****es they are. I tried to keep a sense of humor, but I was still pissed off. I think all of my friends were relieved when I finally got pregnant again- so they wouldn't have to hear my mouth anymore.

I don't feel I could handle his sperm going in another woman...because I would fear she would want that baby (and she has that right)...and that baby would feel an attachment to HER over me, since genetically it would be hers, and not mine. So a surrogate situation I wouldn't have wanted anything to do with.

It is very very sad , even angers me that women have to go through this. Today we are breeding a society on casual sex, as many partners as we want!! This is a HUGE Risk for future fertilty..., as some STD's render a woman infertile. And then some of the women who didn't do a damn thing wrong, has these issues, life is just not fair.

STD's That Cause Infertility
And it seems completely rational to me, all the things you had discussed with one another "just in case". The people who are committed to staying together and making a family do just that. But those who are obsessed with only having a biological child and sacrifice their spouse for that I think require therapy. That isn't to say that they are crazy for wanting that or for having those thoughts, but thinking that the marriage may not work and throwing your spouse under the bus are two separate things.

If I were infertile and my H simply left me because I couldn't provide him with heirs, well then I guess that would show me how much I meant to him. That would basically be telling me that I mean nothing to him unless I can reproduce. What an awful way to classify someone you are supposed to love
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Old 04-29-2012, 09:00 PM   #30 (permalink)
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Default Re: What to do when one partner is infertile and you want a family?

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But those who are obsessed with only having a biological child and sacrifice their spouse for that I think require therapy. That isn't to say that they are crazy for wanting that or for having those thoughts, but thinking that the marriage may not work and throwing your spouse under the bus are two separate things.

If I were infertile and my H simply left me because I couldn't provide him with heirs, well then I guess that would show me how much I meant to him. That would basically be telling me that I mean nothing to him unless I can reproduce. What an awful way to classify someone you are supposed to love
I think saying someone should get therapy for wanting a biological child is not really fair. It is the normal position to want a biological child. People value different things. How is wanting a biological child any different than wanting a partner who is taller or shorter than you or a partner who shares your religious beliefs? Its just something a person finds important.

Also I should clarify a little. I'm not sure if the line about a H leaving because his wife was infertile was directed at me or not but if it was... I never did what I did with the express intent of impregnating someone else. I didn't leave my wife and start looking for women who were fertile. That wasn't my plan at all. It happened by accident. Once I was in the situation I did choose my child over my wife. I think that was the hardest decision of my life. I put myself in a wretched situation and I felt that my child and a fresh slate was better than going back to my wife whom I had betrayed and with whom I was unhappy with.

I think a struggle with infertility can potentially destroy a marriage. Its painful and heartbreaking. People handle trauma in different ways. Some couples come together and thrive under the pressure and others fold and let it destroy them. My marriage was not a happy one by towards the end which complicated things. I think in a happy marriage of course you stay together and fight to overcome. In an unhappy one its a lot tougher of a choice.
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