Gratitude

Some people only feel they could raise their biological child and that's ok. That's why they shouldn't adopt. Not everybody could and should adopt a child. That's why the process is so gruelling.

I have seen many foster/adoptive parents fail the child they adopted. Because they weren't prepared and couldn't find the connection. If the OP or anyone doesn't feel they would be willing to do what it takes, don't do it. It's normal to feel that you might not be able to bond with another child that's not yours. Adoptive parents do worry about that too. Sometimes this is overcome, sometimes it isn't. It's honest. I would help any child I could that I saw was in danger, but when it came to adopting I would need to make sure it was something I was mentally prepared for so the child doesn't suffer anymore than they have already.

If somebody doesn't think they could adopt for whatever reason, then that's their choice. I don't think they need therapy. People can only give what they can give, and instead of feeling guilty for that they should know themselves well enough to not make decisions that would affect a child's life. I can't tell you how many kids have been taken into foster homes only to be treated worse.

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DawnD

Again, you are only reading the first half of the sentence. I said when the need becomes so extreme that you are causing hurt and pain to your partner/people in your life. Then yes, it would be wise to seek some therapy to either comes to grips with the infertility, explore options, etc, etc, etc.

The leaving your spouse comment wasn't directed at you, I had asked Simply A about it and she responded above.

It takes two to make a marriage fail just like it takes two to make one succeed.

DawnD

Who said they did??

WhoHaveIBecome

DawnD

Exactly. Those who are obsessed with it --- i.e. will get a biological child no matter what the cost, their spouse, their family,etc, etc

WhoHaveIBecome

Would a person who spends tens of thousands of dollars in pursuit of a bio-child need therapy? You could argue they are obsessed and hurting their family.

DawnD

If they have the money, then hey its up to them. I am not talking about financials, I am not talking about people whom don't want to adopt. I am talking about people who ruin lives for it. There aren't very many of them out there. But be honest, do you really think you wouldn't have benefited from some therapy during your infertility years with the first wife? I am not talking about "you are crazy" therapy, I am talking about guidance and communication in the relationship therapy.

WhoHaveIBecome

I have a pretty positive view of therapy. It can be helpful and being in therapy couldn't have hurt. I really struggle with looking back at that point in my life. I clearly made some awful life-altering decisions. But I honestly do not know what I should have done.

Any choice I made would have hurt people. I'm not sure what benefit therapy would have given me at the time. No therapist is going to tell me to leave my wife. It may have helped prevent some of the destructive behavior I engaged in. But then odds are I would just be childless and in an un-happy marriage today. My ex-wife would probably be alive so maybe that was the sacrifice I should have made. I just don't know.

I think I posed this question to kind of get an idea on what the proper response is to something like infertility. It can be handled in a happy marriage. In an unhappy marriage its like throwing oil on a fire. It just makes things worse.

DawnD

I didn't mean therapy when you had already impregnated the mistress, I meant way before that, when things started going sour.

Who knows, your paths very well could have still led to divorce, but perhaps your present living wouldn't be plagued by the past if that had taken place.

WhoHaveIBecome

If I was in therapy and we were in marriage counseling before the affair started I think we would have patched things up to an acceptable level. So that we weren't unhappy. But not happy. Maybe I wouldn't have had the affair but that wouldn't have solved the root issues of our problems. Therapy isn't going to make an infertile woman fertile. Therapy is probably not going to change my desire for having offspring that are part of me.

And I think I should note that my ex-wife wanted biological children too. It wasn't just me pushing for it and her saying lets adopt. We both wanted biological children. It was something that we both valued.

I also know divorce wasn't a realistic option for us. Its not something my wife ever wanted and I don't think I would have had the guts to file for divorce. We were never fighting like animals. It was more just a lack of communication and sadness. It wasn't a happy relationship. But I don't think it was bad enough that one of us would have felt the need to file for divorce. I think if some of the things that happened didn't happen I would still be married but incredibly unhappy with my life and essentially alone.

I regret the pain and suffering the affair caused my ex-wife. But I don't know if I regret the affair/relationship though. What I should have done is file for divorce once it was clear I had feelings for another woman. I think... But I'm not even sure of that. I really think there were no good choices.

DawnD

There were good choices. There was the choice to leave your wife when you discovered you would not have biological children with her. It is obvious from all of your posts, that having children was the main thought of your life, wasn't really who was having them with you that mattered. The right thing to do would have been to let your wife go.

I can't ever see someone saying they should have cheated still, but just cheated and left their wife sooner. That is a first. I think this might be where most of those who are seriously slamming you ( browsed some threads of yours, they were pretty interesting). The fact that you don't regret your affair BECAUSE it resulted in the child you wanted so badly is very....telling.

EleGirl

We adopted our son when he was 10 days old. He is 23 now. He has known that he is adopted from the very beginning as I do not believe in lying to children for any reason.

He came to terms with his adoption before he was 10 years old. I’ve offered to give him the info to contact his birth mother. He says no, he has one set of parents and he already knows them.
Most adopted children never look for their bio-parents. It’s actually a pretty rare thing.

The agency we used for adoption tries to match a child to the family. They did a very good job in this. Our son looks just like me… same hair color, eye color and skin tone. His intelligence level also matches that of his father and me. I can see both his father (my ex) and me in everything he does. His curiosity, his love for science and math. It’s so clear that nurture is a very strong part of who a child becomes. The influence of the parents who raise a child is so strong that no one has ever guessed that he is adopted. It’s always a shock when people find out.

If you were lucky enough to adopt and raise a child from birth you would know that the love a parent has for a child it not based on blood, it’s based on love… the love that parents have for their child. And the love a child has for their parent is also not based on love.

A child that you adopt and raise is not ‘any random child’. My son is MY son. And this mamma lion will tear apart anyone who tries to harm him… because I love him more than life itself, not because of any genetic tie that really means very little.

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WhoHaveIBecome

Having children is not the main thought of my life. Its just something I have posted about a lot on this site since it was so heavily tied to my affair and first marriage. Its far from the focus of my life. And the mother of my children does matter. I'm not just sleeping with random people and I wouldn't want to have a child with just anyone. I think the woman that is the mother of my child is a wonderful mother and I lucked out in that respect. I am not just running around and impregnating girls.

The only reason why I say I should have still continued in the relationship with my now fiancee is saying I shouldn't have would mean I wouldn't have my daughter. I only said I should have left sooner because I think me not making a decision had a significant negative impact on my ex-wife's mental health. I don't know that my actions necessarily caused what happened to her but it certainly contributed. If I handled how the marriage ended better I think it could have been avoided.

I don't regret the affair also because I love my fiancee. It is not all about our child. If I am being honest I am much happier in my day to day life with my fiancee and daughter than I was with my ex-wife. I think the situation with my ex will always be with me and I can't ever forget it. Its the worst thing I have ever been apart of.

My mistake. For some reason I felt like it was the norm. It might just be media depictions of adoptive children. Again I am not slamming adoption at all. I think its something that can work out great in the right situation.

DawnD

What happens if you fiance can't provide you with more children?

Lyris

I would be interested in some actual research to support your claim that it's rare for adult adoptees not to look for or want to look for their birth parents. I have been doing a lot of reading around adoption and attachment recently and have read over and over about the primal wound, grief and loss surrounding adoption, disrupted adoptions, questions around identity for the adopted child, feelings of not fitting in, erc. It's just not as simple as you are making it sound here and to state that your son had completely come to terms with being adopted by the age of ten is very hard to believe.

I have read about adult adoptees who don't start looking until they themselves are parents. Or until their adoptive parents die. Just because your son hasn't wanted to find his birth family yet doesn't mean he never will.
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