WhoHaveIBecome

My fiancee is 22 years old. There were no issues with our first and as far as we know there is nothing that would prevent us from having future children. We are actually trying for our second right now and if/when she is pregnant I would be content to stop at 2. I think we both want more than two kids but I wouldn't risk my family over that.

Leaving my marriage now would hurt so many people. I have a little girl that depends on me for so much. I would never do anything that would cause her pain.

I was taking issue with the fact that you were making it seem like a pattern. It was the one instance. The pregnancy was not planned. I have no reason to think she got pregnant on purpose. When we found out she was pregnant she offered to get an abortion to save me the trouble with my wife.

My fiancee and I have gone through a lot together. Some extremely traumatic things. We've raised a child together and I'm sure you know that isn't easy all the time.

Like I said the pregnancy was an accident. It was not a goal of mine to get her pregnant and it wasn't her plan to get pregnant. It just happened. We never used birth control. Which sounds reckless I know but it wasn't something I was concerned about at the time. You have to realize I had gone years with my wife of having unprotected sex with no pregnancy. I didn't think it could happen and I wasn't worried about it.

I've adressed the sleeping with my ex-wife a few times and I don't think she would be happy. My fiancee is the jealous type. I think we would get over it though. It happened in such a tremendously difficult point in time in our lives and I have been 100% committed to her since then. But I am not going to rock the boat over something that no one can prove happened. The only two people that know are my ex and I. So its not going to be revealed to my fiancee. It is a secret I am going to take to my grave.

DawnD

Okay, I can buy that you were having unprotected sex for so many years with nothing, but I highly doubt your GF was having years of unprotected sex without a pregnancy resulting. I think you like to think that she was a completely innocent woman, but I doubt it.

She offered to have an abortion to a guy who was longing for a child of his own, huh? Wow. What a gesture. She knew you would never go for that. And she knew if she got pregnant you would leave your wife, because SHE had what you really wanted. The ability to give you children.

It isn't a secret. Its a LIE. You are lying to your fiancee. A secret is not telling her you used to think Batman was awesome. A lie is not telling her that you cheated on her. Big difference.

Lyris

I guess you're lucky your ex took it to her grave. I wouldn't have been so generous.
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WhoHaveIBecome

I've written about this a little but my at the time girlfriend was not the most experienced person in terms of sex. She could have done more to prevent a pregnancy but I feel like its on me to be careful. I was the older person, the more experienced person, and the person with more to lose. I'm not going to slam the woman that is going to be my wife and is the mother of my child. I'm sure she isn't completely innocent. After all she was having an affair with a married man. But she isn't some calculating witch like people seem to think. She is a fun, caring, kind, woman. She has her flaws like we all do. But she isn't evil. If anyone was in the wrong in our saga it was me.

The abortion may or may not have been an empty gesture. Regardless it wasn't something I wanted at all. After trying for years for a child when I finally have an opportunity to have one I am not going to want to terminate. I don't know what her thought process was at the time. I do not think it was that manipulative though. Its just something that happened and we tried to make the best of it.

I was legally married to my wife when the sex occurred. It was more pity sex than anything. It wasn't something I enjoyed or even wanted. Its really debatable if that constituted cheating on my girlfriend. I think it was wrong but I never though much of it until some folks on this site mentioned it.

SimplyAmorous

I agree with this comment. And I'll say it again , until someone walks in that battlefield, I just feel it is cruel , the harsh judgements... we are all human and make mistakes along the way. Me & my husband never made these type of mistakes ourselves but yet... I can still sympathize with the lonliness & forboding sadness that can come upon people where they might fall into something that they shouldn't have...during this sort of pain and desperation.

They might require therapy, true, but if the depression would continue, I think it would be best for the marraige to be broken. I personally know...for myself... I would never never never be able to stand being married to someone who was depressed all the time, that would drag me down into hell. If we have a goal, go after it, if it is dead, we need to move on. BUt someone lamenting & foreboding 75% of the time, I'd want to scream and run from them.

Yes it is awful and it takes a LOVE beyond comprehension to deal with this. Not everyone is even capable of such love, that is how I feel. I can not sit here and boast that I am. Hell no. I feel pathetically bad for what happened to his wife. Why does GOD allow these things!! I just don't feel his shoes was any easier, living every day with a woman who likely couldn't even smile, was there any Joy at at in that home, any laughter....I doubt it.

I can understand the temptation for an escape.

Personally If I didn't have one child when I was going through that, this could have happened to ME.

Now everything can judge... the husband is just no good...but I still say, until you walk in those shoes every day and deal with a woman who can not eat sleep or drink cause she wants a baby so bad... how that would affect you, your life and drag you down into .....hell.



I am very blesssed that my own husband is a very very patient man, he was able to put up with me- well I wasn't all that bad, since we had one kid... I just went on ranting sprees now & then, didn't care about his pleasure -just wanted his deposit of sperm. Sometimes I cried.... but we still had a great life & spoiled that little boy we shared, I felt mightly blessed inbetween my feeling "cheated" somehow.

The whole thing is just so gruelingly unfair. He is where he is now, he has a right to love his daughter, and he also needs to forgive himself, I wouldn't want to be in his shoes. I also probably would have wanted out of that marriage - to be honest. His mistake was to have unprotected sex with another ...while married. Should we stone him?

How many have done this -and not got the backlash he is recieving here. It is just these horrendous horrifying circumstances that make us want to tear his heart out.

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DawnD

Of course he has the right to love his daughter. It is very unfortunate that these circumstances hang over them. I don't want to tear his heart out for cheating and resulting in a pregnancy. I want to understand how a man who has been through this much can honestly sit there and say he doesn't regret his affair at all, he just thinks he should have cheated and left his first wife sooner. I do believe he is being awfully naive about his Fiancee and her intentions when they were cheating, but that apparently has been expressed on his other threads as well.

SimplyAmorous

Because if he regretted his affair, he would have no beautiful daughter beside him right now, she would go "poof". I see his honestly. Sometimes doing bad things leads to a blessing. This is one of those cases.

Where I see Honesty...even though it is a very DIFFICULT honesty.... all you see is his SIN. But you see, this SIN lead to this beautiful gift...so what is he to do. It is a hell of a question in my opinion, a hard one to answer and most would just lie anyway...and say..."Yeah, if I could do it all over again... I wouldn't have done this" -to appease the listeners and to lower the judgement...but I believe..if you had that child you adored more than life itself (most especially someone who struggled with infertility for years after a river of tears)..... many would be likely lying through your teeth to give that answer.

He is kinda brave coming here with his story, in my opinion...and I did read this whole thread...his answering this way...makes sense to me.

He has to live the rest of his life with this on his conscience. I don't envy the man.

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DawnD

I can't honestly see why he wouldn't regret not leaving his wife before he started cheating. Was it just that he was lacking the *insert male body part here* to leave her without having a pregnant girlfriend? No, I don't expect him to regret his daughter, but I would expect him to regret sleeping around while married. He very well could have left her way before he ever slept with his GF.

WhoHaveIBecome

I've never said I was brave. I was a coward in how I handled the situation. The pregnant girlfriend made me make a decision when I was too scared or weak to leave my marriage. I still loved my wife during the affair and I was terrified of hurting her. That is why I put off leaving for such a long time.

The only reason why I refused to say I regret the affair is because the end result of the affair is something I would never regret. SimplyA touched on this in her reply to you but I am thankful for my daughter every single day. I feel like saying I regret having the affair would be in a way disavowing her.

I should have left before I got her pregnant. It was a horrible horrible thing to do to my wife. She didn't deserve it. I don't know at what point do you say you have to leave your marriage. Is it at the first kiss? Before that? I know the ideal situation is to never ever step out but I was past that point.

I feel like the situation I was in was a once in a lifetime situation. So many different things happened at the same time. I'm not a person who cheats. I've never cheated on a partner prior to this experience and I haven't since and I can't fathom cheating again. I regret so many things that happened in this. I regret hurting my wife. I just don't know that I regret the affair.

I don't think I can put it in better words than that. I know I did some awful things but the end result of those wrong decisions is something pure and perfect. I can't say I would go back in time and not have the affair because I wouldn't have the happiness I have in my life today. I know I could have been more responsible in how I ended my marriage and been more considerate of my ex's mental state.

DawnD

You leave your marriage when you are building an inappropriate bond with someone else. I am betting you knew way before she got pregnant that it was inappropriate, possibly even before you had sex with her. I don't know your story that intimately, so I don't know if you started as an EA or not. That would have been an ideal situation.

But ideals don't usually happen. My H had his affair. I get good people make mistakes, I really do. We have reconciled even after his affair. People do things that hurt the ones they love. Being able to be man enough to realize that people were hurt and to take away from the situation with new knowledge is preferred. I do not think merely stating " I would never do it again" is enough in that scenario, but I am sure typing out a detailed list of why would take all day :-)

The things that concern me are all over your other threads, but scattered and in pieces. Do you feel that you are taking more time and effort to make sure this works because you have a child? Or because of the circumstances that led to the relationship??

I do question your naivety towards your fiancee, but again I do not know her in real life, so all I can judge with is what I have read. Scattered still, and almost more difficult to understand since it was touched on by so many different posters.

WhoHaveIBecome

I realize I am putting myself in the line of fire by even posting about my life. I know how this whole situation looks and I don't expect people to be sympathetic. I really don't. I understand why someone wouldn't empathize with me. I never did anything I did with the intent to harm.

My ex-wife didn't make it easy for me to leave. After she knew I was in a sexual relationship with another woman she still tried to get me to stay in the marriage. I could have tried to leave when I felt attraction to another woman but I don't think it would have been that easy.

My affair started as a friendship that eventually went physical after a few months. I'm not a huge fan of the term emotional affair. I don't think what I was engaged in was an emotional affair. It was just a close friendship. Once we first fooled around it accelerated quickly and went into a full fledged affair.

I've learned from my experiences. I think maybe you have the impression I haven't learned anything because I said I don't regret the affair. I get that hearing something like that would be infuriating to a person who has been cheated on. Its just the way I feel. It doesn't mean I would go back and do things the same. I know better now. I don't put myself in situations where I am going to develop a bond that is too close with another woman. I try to be transparent with my fiancee. I try to address problems early on rather than letting them fester.

I have much more to lose with this relationship than my first marriage. I put more time and effort into the relationship because I learned from my first time around. I also know there is more than me and my partner in this relationship. My child is my priority and I would do anything to make sure her childhood is as perfect as can be. So that absolutely motivates me to prevent relationship issues.

I'm not going to convince anyone here my fiancee is a good person. I know that. I see people throw around derogatory labels like mistress and I get it. Most other women are not kind people. They prey on a person's marriage and try to steal something that isn't theirs. And I understand that people project. Someone's OW might have been a wretched person and they will assume all OW are the same. I just feel like the affair is on me. I wasn't trapped nor was I tempted. It is a cop-out to blame the affair on my fiancee and say I was innocent. I wasn't.

DawnD

It doesn't infuriate me to hear you don't regret it, it does confuse me. But when you clarify with that follow up sentence about meaning you would go back and do it differently at least addresses both parts of it. I get that you wouldn't want to regret your daughter, I think most of the posters here ( including myself) thought you just flat out didn't care who you hurt as long as you got a child in the end. It does come off that way, but when you stay calm and talk it makes more sense and gets clearer. I have more clarity with you in this thread then all of the others.

Mistress is a term. Your fiancee was in fact your mistress. I think it strikes a special nerve with you since you have had to defend your relationship basically since it began. That can make one easily defensive, and I can understand why. I don't say "mistress" in hate, its just to keep people straight in my mind. But I do think that you allow yourself to be naive about her some. At 22 years old, she was a grown woman and she knew what she was doing. I am pretty sure she knew how babies were made as well LOL. She does hold some accountability in the end of your marriage. She doesn't owe your wife anything, but she did willingly cause emotional pain to a complete stranger. Bad decisions, we all make them.

I think if you were as clear and .....I don't know.....less defensive?? maybe ( not sure if that's the word I am looking for)......people would be more willing to listen. Not all, but some.

I don't know that this offers you anything, but I will say it anyway. I don't personally hold my H's OW accountable for anything. He was the one who made a vow to me, he is the one who hurt me. Granted, she will face the same scrutiny I mentioned above, as will my H. They were both married. But in the end, the only one who owes me anything, is him. I think most LS get to that point in time. Not all, but a good amount of them. Again, its all about gaining that clarity. Can be really hard to find sometimes.

shy_guy

My wife and I have two homemade children, and one adopted child. I think your choice of wording betrays an attitude that I hope I can address a bit.

I will never get tired of making this next statement (just a bit tired that I have to make it ): There is absolutely NO difference in the way we love our homemade and our adopted children. NONE! The way they came to be part of our family has not affected our attitude. Adoption is not "Settling." It is another way of building a family, but it is not settling. "just accept adoption," it seems to say to me that you think of adoption as settling for a lesser choice.

Our family was planned to be this way. Many people who adopt have children. Many more, do not have children, and probably have fertility issues of some sort. Some adopt and later have children biologically. Probably most adoptive parents are infertile.

The things you have to do are: Come to grips with your fertility issues. This involves some grieving, that is true. Counselors are available to help with this. I wouldn't advise anyone to turn to adoption until they have found some peace with the issue of their fertility. After this, you can decide on adoption, and move toward that. I can guarantee once you get involved with the process, you will never be the same.

If you choose adoption, you will have to be ready for a lot of frustration, and the level of frustration will change depending on the type of adoption you chose. I can talk to someone specifically about that if they are interested, and I'll be open and honest about it.

So far as the marriage, I knew there were no guarantees when I got married. I didn't know how long either of us would live. I didn't know if we would have health or be sick, and we had no guarantees that we would be able to have children. I pledged my love to my wife regardless, and that's how I view it. I pledged for life regardless of what happened. Being infertile would have been a big hurdle, but it would have to be dealt with the same way. In the adoption process, I've seen other couples who have dealt with it, and I would hope if that was what faced us, I would have been the same.

Back to adoption, I think it gets a bad rap as a "second choice" too often. It's actually a wonderful way to build a family, and when you have a situation where you can have an open adoption, it actually expands your family in a way you may not anticipate. After all, how can you not love someone who has given you such a gift? And again, you love that adopted child the same as you would love biological children ... sometimes you have to work a lot harder and endure a lot more heartache before that child comes into your home ... and that is not forgotten - you really love that child and recognize how precious he/she is.

I wish we'd talk about adoption a lot more on this forum.

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SimplyAmorous

I believe this to be true. I can say , for me, I never came to grips with my fertility issues ...there was no peace about it at all ...in that 6 and a half yrs. It was likely a blessing I didn't go on to adopt... cause I was not ready.

I have an AUNT who did adopt a son, biggest blessing in their life.

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