WhoHaveIBecome

This is just a hypothetical question after the fact and I am curious for what the consensus is on this. Lets say it is important for you to have children and a family. A family that preferably involved biological children. Say your spouse/partner cannot have children for whatever reason (infertility, low sperm count, etc). What should the partner that wants and can have children do?

Should they just accept adoption or pursue unconventional methods (i.e. in vitro/surrogate/etc)? Divorce/Separate? Should they accept not having children?

This was the issue that plagued my first marriage and I handled it poorly (to say the least). I know what I chose to do in this situation was the wrong decision. I am not advocating it at all. I am curious as to what the "right" decision would have been.

unbelievable

The world is full of precious kids who need parents. Adopt.

Coffee Amore

Before my husband and I started a family we decided if we couldn't have biological children, we would adopt. Two of my closest friends have adopted children - domestic and abroad. If I had been infertile, we would pursue all avenues - IVI, gestational surrogate, IVF, etc. If those methods didn't work, we would have adopted children.

I haven't come across anyone who I mesh well with as my husband. I wouldn't give him up simply because for whatever reason he couldn't have a biological child with me. That would be like cutting off my nose to spite my face. My husband is more than a sperm donor. He's so, so much more and I would deeply regret all his wonderful attributes if I let him go for not creating a biological child together.

unbelievable

My son is adopted but he's been mine since he was 3. He's 31, now and just got married last weekend. I've also got two biological daughters. Kids don't need to check their DNA to know who their parents are. If you love and care for kids, they're your children, regardless of how you got them. I think God fixes things so some very special people can't naturally have kids just because He loves and wants to provide for children who don't have parents. DNA doesn't make families but love does.

DawnD

I think that was very beautifully stated! I can no longer carry a baby to term. My body just can't do it. My H got a vasectomy to prevent us from having to go through any more miscarriages. I don't really have a clear reason why, but my body just couldn't do it anymore. I had my two boys, and after that it just stopped working. We agreed that if either of us decided we wanted more kids after his V we would simply adopt. If he walked up to me right now and said he wanted more, we would start the process immediately.

WhoHaveIBecome

My intention was not at all to be offensive. It was a mistake on my part if I seemed dismissive of adoption. It can be a great thing and I have a lot of respect for people that adopt children.

This question was more posed to something that I went through about three years ago with my ex-wife. I have a daughter (biological) now and we aren't considering adoption.

I know adoption isn't for me anyways. At the time my ex and I considered it but we both had deep reservations over the process. I can't really explain my hesitation with adoption but it is really important for me that my kids be mine. My ex shared those issues and she wanted to go through the whole experience of motherhood and childbirth. We ended up going the route of trying fertility treatment and a whole number of other things with no success. We thought about adoption as a last resort when those things didn't work out but the marriage ended prior to us getting to that point.

I guess what I am trying to say is I may have let my personal preference for biological children affect me when I was writing the question. I don't want to sound like adoption is some horrible choice but for us it wasn't an option we liked or wanted. But its different for every couple.

I don't want to get off-track but I do disagree with your "blood is nothing" statement. Adoptive children are constantly looking for their bio-parents. When I see my daughter I always notice my features in her. I love that. There are a lot of other things. I think I feel a sort of natural urge to protect my daughter because I know she is part of me. I'm not sure I would feel that towards any random child.

And the point that Casey Anthony was a biological parent and awful isn't really a great one. There are thousands of foster and adoptive parents that sexually abuse children. Doesn't mean all foster and adoptive parents are bad. You cannot use one person as an example of why something is right or wrong.

Gratitude

Adopting a child is just as fulfilling and loving as having a biological child. It's giving a child a home who needs one. I've worked with many homeless juveniles, and lived with many in hostels when I was younger. They can be tough kids to handle if their older due to prior abuse and it takes a very special person to give that kind of love.

Most people have a natural desire for biological children of their own. It's normal and nothing to be condemned for.

__________________
Bears play fighting at the Romanian bear sanctuary
© WSPA

Coffee Amore

If my husband wanted to divorce me because I was infertile, I'd know exactly what sort of character he has. I'd know his commitment to me wasn't that strong.

OP, suppose tests revealed that you carried a gene that would make your child extremely disabled, would it be acceptable for your then wife to pack her bags and leave? Suppose you developed a serious medical condition after getting married, would it be acceptable for your then wife to pack her bags and leave?

When you marry someone you make a big commitment to them. You marry for better for worse, in sickness and in health. OP, your first wife (the one you cheated on with a younger woman and impregnated her) was infertile. Welcome to Life. There are no guarantees. There are many ways to become a parent, but not many ways to find the person who you want to spend the rest of your life with.

DawnD

I agree that you shouldn't be condemned for wanting a biological child. But I also believe those who are obsessed with a child having to be biological and never happy with anything less probably need some form of therapy.

The OP has mentioned that he would give his life for his daughter, yet wasn't sure if he would do that for a random child. That in itself makes me question his character. If I saw a child in danger or at risk I would do everything in my power to help. not stand by and say "oh, not mine, sorry".

Beowulf

Again, maybe its the way you are stating things but this statement is so not true. Many adopted children never feel the need to seek out their birth parents. In fact I would say the majority do not. You seem to have a misconception about the adoption process and how it really relates to people.

WhoHaveIBecome

That is not what I said. What I said is I feel a natural urge to protect my daughter and I think part of that is because I know she is half me. I would help a child at danger or risk too. I just don't feel that same protective urge to random children.

I don't think it would be acceptable to leave in either of those situation. I think what you don't understand is the damage an issue like infertility can do to a previously happy marriage. Its a lot of gloom to be dealing with on a daily basis and some people handle it worse than others.

I think a lot of this I would stick by my spouse forever is based on being in a happy marriage with your soulmate. Its a lot more complicated when the marriage isn't as healthy. Like I said I am not defending what I did to my first wife. I didn't handle the stress and grief from the infertility situation well at all. I think the affair was my messed up way of coping. If we divorced in year 1 of infertility I think things would have been better for both of us.

I know it is. Its just hard to exactly vocalize why its important to you. I think it matters a lot and I would not be comfortable adopting.

DawnD

And that it what I find lacking in you. I have a natural protective urge for children in general. Not just mine, not just my friends. Most of my friends who are parents are the same, and even some who don't have children. That protective urge is towards all children, not just the two I have.

You don't have to like it, but yes I find that lacking in character.

SimplyAmorous

I went into my marraige wanting at least 3 kids.... I was envious of my friends having these big boisterous families, I despised being an only child....."I had a dream".

After me & husband conceived our 1st easily ....it seemed God closed my womb after this ...for years ! He was such a sweet son, I couldn't understand why other parents had so much trouble with their kids, mine was a living breeze..... I wanted more of those!!

We just really wanted our own.... I wanted a few little peices of ME mixed with my husband.....It was the superier dream that I would have done anything for.

After many tests, a surgery & still nothing...we were scheduled for our 1st invitro attempt ....amazingly we got pregnant on our own ....saved us a ton! Then baby after baby after baby in our 30's. A little before that though- we started looking into adoption...lighty, I worried alot special needs concerns, these children were readily available. I didn't feel I could handle that, I know my limitations. Of course I took risks having my own.

If the invitro would have failed, might have tried again -I would have given up our dream for a country home for a shot at another biological child.

I don't think I need therapy for wanting my own biological children. I think that is going a bit too far. There are many concerns when one adopts, you don't know the genetics that are in that family. I do believe it matters ALOT how a child is raised, true, but genetics still has a role to play. It is a roll of the dice. One very worth taking if you are the right people. My Aunt was one, her son, now 35 is a dream, never looked for his biological parents, I do feel girls will have more of an interest.

__________________
"Love Good Blog"

WhoHaveIBecome

So you feel the same way about a random child on the street as you do about your own son/daughter? I feel like you are being really unfair to me. How is it objectionable that I would feel more towards MY child over a child I don't know at all?

DawnD

I didn't say everyone who wanted their own biological children need therapy, but I do think those who will cause hurt and pain to other people, including their infertile spouse all for that biological child probably need therapy.