General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Im sorry for posting such a long thread as my first post, I just dont know what to do anymore.
My boyfriend and I have been talking about getting married for quite some time, just this weekend he visited a jewelry store to shop for my engagement ring. He is 34, I'm 33
The problem is I dont know if he is someone I'm supposed to marry, or if I'm making a huge mistake and setting myself up for failure by staying with him... the backstory is SO long and full of hurt that I definitely cannot "see it while i'm in it". Any help will be greatly appreciated. First and foremost, I'll preface this long post with saying that I DO want to work things out.. I just know my fear is really screwing me up here.
Before my current life, I've been engaged to an absolutely wonderful man in a past life in my early twenties, we had dated for 4 years and he popped the question. We had lived together at the time and I immediately said yes. We decided to get married a year later, and my occupation, being an event planner/manager, helped us plan our entire wedding in two months. After that "distraction", I started pulling further and further away from him, to the point where we started sleeping in different rooms, I ended up cheating on him (bash me all you want, i've paid for my mistakes tenfold), and we ended up postponing the wedding and then cancelled it, all per my request. A lot of hurt feelings were involved, and in the end our family and friends forgave us and we all chalked it up to being too young and are better off ending it before it got any further. I knew from then I was terrified of commitment (ive witnessed an ugly divorce with my parents) - and I knew my youth and immaturity helped make my poor decisions and I ended our relationship.
With that said, I've dated a few guys since our breakup (its been about 6-7 years), and I've started dating again. With my current boyfriend going on our third year, but we started out TOTALLY opposite of any successful relationship I've ever had before. I was in a great place financially, professionally, emotionally... I was stable and finally taking care of myself after a rough healing period. He was totally a stoner-deadbeat, dead-end job, had barely been in long term relationships in his life, was lazy, no initiative and no motivation. Why I ended up dating him was for all the wrong reasons... because I saw potential. I spoke to therapists, friends, family.. and I realized he was a very late bloomer and with our countless discussions of him telling me he DOES have all the qualities I needed in a man, he just hadnt had the "use for them" before now, he will prove his worth. In the meantime while he "proved" he worth, I tried to see him as a handsome, funny, kind and gently human being with good intentions.. I didnt want to completely blame him for no direction, although I know somewhere inside I resent that.
So I stayed.. .and what a rocky road its been.
1) The first year we were together, he got laid off.. so out of the goodness of my heart I offered for him to move in with me rent free until he gets back on his feet. That blew up in my face because two months turned into a year of NO work. He applied for jobs once a week, played video games every hour of every day. I offered to help with his resume, and ended up helping him send them out to random companies until he finally got a commission only job. He placed no one for 6 months, and when I woke up and realized its been a 1.5 years of no money, no help with bills, no nothing, I realized he was taking advantage of me. After countless fights, he decided to change and get a different job. He's been at his present job for 8 months now and is finally contributing with the bills and rent, but he had to hurt me to realize he needed to grow up.
2) From the beginning we've had sexual problems. He has what I thought was ED that would arise (or not) every now and then... but he wouldnt get checked out because he refused to believe it was his fault. So in the beginning, instead, he blamed ME for it. Told me my boobs werent big enough, said I didnt feel "right", I wasnt thin enough (meanwhile, I am 5'3", 120 lbs, size 4, C cup and have NEVER had problems with any man in bed before). I tried leaving right there and then, until he fessed up and cried and told me it had nothing to do with me and he was going to see a doctor. The doctor said it could be low testosterone or could be mental, etc.. but the two of us chalked it up to poor hereditary circulation and he started taking vitamins for circulation, etc. I stayed because I sympathized and I knew he didnt mean what he said. The problem is that my confidence plummeted, and though the sex has moderately improved, we now only have sex on the weekends, and when it does happen, its minimal. But my complex is now there whenever it does happen. I wonder what is wrong with me and I even looked at breast augmentation in the past. He gets so upset when I tell him that, but he needs to know the impact of what his words have caused my self-esteem. He really hurt me first.
3) He used to lie to me. He used to lie about cigarettes, weed, keeping in touch with ex girlfriends, etc etc... everything he knew was a concern to me because of our age (we are adults after all), but he instead lied to me for about two years to my face so he wouldnt lose me, but the fact that he lied to me the whole time I was financially supporting him just pushed me over the edge. I didnt know what on earth else he could be lying to me about and I felt instantly like he was definitely just using me and riding my coat tails. I tried leaving THEN but he swore things would change. They have, but still not without hurting me first.
Now, I have all these skeletons in the closet, and I learned to love him in spite of these flaws as somewhere in me chalked them all up to someone who grew up too late. But now that he HAS changed and is a better person, I can now see a future with him and he tells me every day how much he loves me.
The problem is I cannot forgive him for doing these things to me from the past, to the point where I have become so depressed and almost suicidal from trying so hard and realizing that someone like him had hurt me so much. I've communicated this all to him and he is so sorry and so am I, so we've decided to move apartments for a fresh start with a better quality of life (in with the new out with the old kind of thing), started seeing a couples therapist, and started ring shopping because we simply want a life and future and marriage and children together.
However, now when we fight, we FIGHT. Sometimes it gets physical with pushes and shoves (ive slapped him twice for lying to me). Its SO unlike who i used to be, especially compared to my previous engagement, I feel like I let the wrong guy go sometimes.
But then again, I REALLY want this to work out. I dont really want to know if I should go or stay (even though I've been googling "should i stay or leave this marriage" - treating it like a marriage), but I just really want to get to a healthy place with each other and I just dont know how.
Judging from my excruciatingly long post, what can I do to make this work - not just in time to get engaged or married, but for the long term?
Tacoma - I dont want to walk away like I walked away from everyone else in my life. I really really want this to work.
Maybe I'm not cut out for this at all, but every older couple I ever speak to about secrets of successful marriages always say it's "tolerance", and not repeating the same mistakes.
He is NOT making the same mistakes. Its ME now finding a way to FORGIVE him so that we can move on and get to a healthy place. The question is HOW.
I felt it VERY important to explain everything so I can find very sound advice on here to make things work rather than walk away.
Walking away is the easy way out here for me, believe me. I want this to work and I really, really need help.
Maybe I'm not cut out for this at all, but every older couple I ever speak to about secrets of successful marriages always say it's "tolerance", and not repeating the same mistakes.
I understand but there are things that are intolerable within most western relationships.
Here are a few from your post..
That blew up in my face because two months turned into a year of NO work.
It took him a year to realize this was a deal breaker.
Not very emphatic on his part.
Shows he`s willing to use you.
He has what I thought was ED that would arise (or not) every now and then... but he wouldnt get checked out because he refused to believe it was his fault. So in the beginning, instead, he blamed ME for it. Told me my boobs werent big enough, said I didnt feel "right", I wasnt thin enough
Blames you for his problems knowing they`re his problems.
Shows he has no concern for you pain/feelings/emotions.
This has affected your idea of yourself in a negative way.
Not to mention sexual problems in general are one of the biggest destroyers of marriage.
I wouldn`t go into any serious relationship if there were sexual incompatibility questions.
He used to lie to me. He used to lie about cigarettes, weed, keeping in touch with ex girlfriends, etc etc...
Do I even need to say it?
However, now when we fight, we FIGHT. Sometimes it gets physical with pushes and shoves (ive slapped him twice for lying to me).
This is simply unacceptable on any level.
Regardless of whose being physical.
This however is the biggest problem of all...
The problem is I cannot forgive him for doing these things to me from the past, to the point where I have become so depressed and almost suicidal from trying so hard and realizing that someone like him had hurt me so much.
Resentment is a *****, I don`t know how you get rid of it.
It terrifies me so that the very possibility of it has led me to forums and books on marriage and relationships in order to avoid/mitigate it at any cost.
It`s truly that bad, it`s the #1 reason most relationships can`t work I don`t care what the "official" stats say.
Resentment is the biggest love killer of all.
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He is NOT making the same mistakes. Its ME now finding a way to FORGIVE him so that we can move on and get to a healthy place. The question is HOW.
I don`t know how, I don`t think anyone can lead you towards the answer.
I don`t know how you can be so certain he`s changed.
It`s very difficult to do.
How have you verified these changes?
Maybe time will lessen resentment but it`s the only thing that might I believe and that means you can`t marry him until you literally feel that resentment leave you.
Personally the experience I have tells me it`s far less painful to simply start over with someone worthy.
Are you saying there is absolutely no hope for making this relationship healthy and work for the long term?
If that is truly what you're saying, then perhaps there really is no point in us seeing our couples therapist... she mentions that this will all take time, but there is true effort on both our parts for even going through counseling for it to work. But sometimes all it takes is someone telling me that maybe I've lived through too much hurt to make this work ever again
Maybe I have, but I still want to work things out or do everything I can to work things out before I throw in the towel, because I KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO REGRET ending things simply out of fear.
That's my whole point of this. Is to not relive the past of giving up prematurely, just because the beginning of our relationship was hard.
Things have changed because when he vowed to not make the same mistakes again, he has not. He's not perfect, but neither am I - and he hasnt made them again. It's now my own battle inside my head.
How do you forgive someone who's hurt you so much? Especially in the light of potential marriage? Maybe that's the question I should have asked.
Are you saying there is absolutely no hope for making this relationship healthy and work for the long term?
No, I don`t know of many things that are absolute and humans are capable of anything.
That said, the road you wish to travel is very, very difficult.
Difficult enough for me at the age of 45 to know I wouldn`t waste any time trying because the odds are I`d just be wasting my life.
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.. she mentions that this will all take time, but there is true effort on both our parts for even going through counseling for it to work.
She`s right.
the only thing that will get you past this is time and consistency.
You have to have pretty much absolute faith in his desire to make it work.
you have to "know" he`s changed the things that caused the resentment to begin with.
Then you have to dedicate a lot of time to just "living life" until the good, trust, and love you have built outweighs the resentment you have now.
This sounds simple but it`s not at all.
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Things have changed because when he vowed to not make the same mistakes again, he has not. He's not perfect, but neither am I - and he hasnt made them again. It's now my own battle inside my head.
How have you verified this?
He "vowed"?
His vow and a dollar isn`t worth the price of a cup of coffee.
What have you done to verify he`s not lying to you about his habits/drugs/ and other women anymore?
Checked his cell records lately?
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How do you forgive someone who's hurt you so much? Especially in the light of potential marriage? Maybe that's the question I should have asked.
Again the only answer I can think of is "time" because no matter what resentment takes time and compassion to get past.
Either way this means there is no way you can marry this man in the near future.
You`re a perfect candidate for a bait n switch once married.
Don`t get married to this man until and unless you get to the point where you can`t muster up these resentments even if you try.
we share our phone account so yes I have, actually. He has proven his mistakes are no longer being made. Believe me, you dont go months or years with being lied to and not doing your own due diligence. We show each other our email accounts, history, he gets drug tested at work, we spend all of our time together - I assure you, I'm not being dumb here. I went through paranoia, complete distrust and everything unhealthy you can think of. I'm trying to heal AND I'm trying not to do what everyone else seems to do when sh*t gets hard and walks away and starts over again.
I've been engaged once, proposed to twice, have only had serious boyfriends throughout my life and walk away from all of them. It's time to work through it with someone who is trying equally as hard. Yes, a little late, but just as hard nonetheless.
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Originally Posted by tacoma
You`re a perfect candidate for a bait n switch once married.
Some people are determined to run head first into the wall repeatedly, until they realize... hey, I'm bleeding and I haven't made a dent!
You OP sound like that girl. Maybe he's changed, but he also could very well be playing the 'good' boy until you marry. That's what bait and switch is. He's shown you who he really is and even with that knowledge you're persisting to go forward. Why? To say, I don't want to give up doesn't make you noble. It actually (with the facts you've presented here) make you very naive and somewhat of a masochist.
Forgive him? You can do that and leave him alone. Forgiveness of an individual in no way is a life sentence of servitude.
1) The first year we were together, he got laid off.. so out of the goodness of my heart I offered for him to move in with me rent free until he gets back on his feet. That blew up in my face because two months turned into a year of NO work.
I was that person and it only changed after taking medication. Even with medication, it's still a problem. That laziness and lack of motivation is depression. It can be treated, but there's no cure. Any kids you have with him will have a very high chance of being depressed as well. That puts them at risk of all kinds of bad stuff. Alcohol and drug abuse, more likely to drop out of school, more likely to end up in abusive relationships, etc. If you plan on having kids, now is the time to run away.
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3) He used to lie to me. He used to lie about cigarettes, weed, keeping in touch with ex girlfriends, etc etc... everything he knew was a concern to me because of our age (we are adults after all), but he instead lied to me for about two years to my face so he wouldnt lose me, but the fact that he lied to me the whole time I was financially supporting him just pushed me over the edge. I didnt know what on earth else he could be lying to me about and I felt instantly like he was definitely just using me and riding my coat tails. I tried leaving THEN but he swore things would change. They have, but still not without hurting me first.
The fact that he doesn't think he can trust you would explain the boner problems. There's a strong link between anxiety and sexual problems. The body doesn't seem to think sex is all that important when getting ready to run or fight.
There's also a strong link between anxiety and not applying for jobs. If he's willing to try taking antidepressants or anxiolytics, you might notice a dramatic change in his personality and behavior. At least try it. If he refuses to take drugs, leave.
I'm taking one of these drugs. It really helps.
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However, now when we fight, we FIGHT. Sometimes it gets physical with pushes and shoves (ive slapped him twice for lying to me). Its SO unlike who i used to be, especially compared to my previous engagement, I feel like I let the wrong guy go sometimes.
Don't feel too bad. Lots of people make this mistake. They "play the field" until 30 then realize most of the high quality men and women are off the market. It's just like showing up for a shoe sale 5 hours late, and all of the good shoes are already gone.
Get your guy on drugs. If he won't take drugs to get his act together, leave. As someone just like your guy, I'm telling you that it will not change at all unless he takes drugs.
Also, illegal drug use is a sign that someone has mental problems that could be treated with legal drugs. For almost any illegal or socially unacceptable drug you can name, I can name at least 1 legal equivalent. The only one I don't have an alternative for is caffeine because caffeine is a strange drug. It doesn't work the way the others do.
Self Medication <--> Prescription Medication
alcohol <--> alprazolam, lorazepam, other benzodiazepines (for anxiety)
marijuana <--> mirtazapine, trazodone, other tricyclic or tetracyclic antidepressants (for anxiety)
cocaine <--> buproprion, methylphenidate, amphetamines (for melancholic depression or ADHD)
amphetamine <--> same as above (prescription Adderall and Dexedrine are amphetamine)
MDMA <--> SSRI or SNRI antidepressants (for atypical depression)
A lot of people will try to throw 12 step or drug rehab at drug addicts, but it never works because those don't treat the underlying problem. If a guy is hardcore depressed and you take his drugs away, do you expect the depression to magically go away for no reason? If so, I have a bridge you might be interested in purchasing.
Im sorry for posting such a long thread as my first post, I just dont know what to do anymore.
My boyfriend and I have been talking about getting married for quite some time, just this weekend he visited a jewelry store to shop for my engagement ring. He is 34, I'm 33
The problem is I dont know if he is someone I'm supposed to marry, or if I'm making a huge mistake and setting myself up for failure by staying with him... the backstory is SO long and full of hurt that I definitely cannot "see it while i'm in it". Any help will be greatly appreciated. First and foremost, I'll preface this long post with saying that I DO want to work things out.. I just know my fear is really screwing me up here.
Before my current life, I've been engaged to an absolutely wonderful man in a past life in my early twenties, we had dated for 4 years and he popped the question. We had lived together at the time and I immediately said yes. We decided to get married a year later, and my occupation, being an event planner/manager, helped us plan our entire wedding in two months. After that "distraction", I started pulling further and further away from him, to the point where we started sleeping in different rooms, I ended up cheating on him (bash me all you want, i've paid for my mistakes tenfold), and we ended up postponing the wedding and then cancelled it, all per my request. A lot of hurt feelings were involved, and in the end our family and friends forgave us and we all chalked it up to being too young and are better off ending it before it got any further. I knew from then I was terrified of commitment (ive witnessed an ugly divorce with my parents) - and I knew my youth and immaturity helped make my poor decisions and I ended our relationship.
With that said, I've dated a few guys since our breakup (its been about 6-7 years), and I've started dating again. With my current boyfriend going on our third year, but we started out TOTALLY opposite of any successful relationship I've ever had before. I was in a great place financially, professionally, emotionally... I was stable and finally taking care of myself after a rough healing period. He was totally a stoner-deadbeat, dead-end job, had barely been in long term relationships in his life, was lazy, no initiative and no motivation. Why I ended up dating him was for all the wrong reasons... because I saw potential. I spoke to therapists, friends, family.. and I realized he was a very late bloomer and with our countless discussions of him telling me he DOES have all the qualities I needed in a man, he just hadnt had the "use for them" before now, he will prove his worth. In the meantime while he "proved" he worth, I tried to see him as a handsome, funny, kind and gently human being with good intentions.. I didnt want to completely blame him for no direction, although I know somewhere inside I resent that.
So I stayed.. .and what a rocky road its been.
1) The first year we were together, he got laid off.. so out of the goodness of my heart I offered for him to move in with me rent free until he gets back on his feet. That blew up in my face because two months turned into a year of NO work. He applied for jobs once a week, played video games every hour of every day. I offered to help with his resume, and ended up helping him send them out to random companies until he finally got a commission only job. He placed no one for 6 months, and when I woke up and realized its been a 1.5 years of no money, no help with bills, no nothing, I realized he was taking advantage of me. After countless fights, he decided to change and get a different job. He's been at his present job for 8 months now and is finally contributing with the bills and rent, but he had to hurt me to realize he needed to grow up.
2) From the beginning we've had sexual problems. He has what I thought was ED that would arise (or not) every now and then... but he wouldnt get checked out because he refused to believe it was his fault. So in the beginning, instead, he blamed ME for it. Told me my boobs werent big enough, said I didnt feel "right", I wasnt thin enough (meanwhile, I am 5'3", 120 lbs, size 4, C cup and have NEVER had problems with any man in bed before). I tried leaving right there and then, until he fessed up and cried and told me it had nothing to do with me and he was going to see a doctor. The doctor said it could be low testosterone or could be mental, etc.. but the two of us chalked it up to poor hereditary circulation and he started taking vitamins for circulation, etc. I stayed because I sympathized and I knew he didnt mean what he said. The problem is that my confidence plummeted, and though the sex has moderately improved, we now only have sex on the weekends, and when it does happen, its minimal. But my complex is now there whenever it does happen. I wonder what is wrong with me and I even looked at breast augmentation in the past. He gets so upset when I tell him that, but he needs to know the impact of what his words have caused my self-esteem. He really hurt me first.
3) He used to lie to me. He used to lie about cigarettes, weed, keeping in touch with ex girlfriends, etc etc... everything he knew was a concern to me because of our age (we are adults after all), but he instead lied to me for about two years to my face so he wouldnt lose me, but the fact that he lied to me the whole time I was financially supporting him just pushed me over the edge. I didnt know what on earth else he could be lying to me about and I felt instantly like he was definitely just using me and riding my coat tails. I tried leaving THEN but he swore things would change. They have, but still not without hurting me first.
Now, I have all these skeletons in the closet, and I learned to love him in spite of these flaws as somewhere in me chalked them all up to someone who grew up too late. But now that he HAS changed and is a better person, I can now see a future with him and he tells me every day how much he loves me.
The problem is I cannot forgive him for doing these things to me from the past, to the point where I have become so depressed and almost suicidal from trying so hard and realizing that someone like him had hurt me so much. I've communicated this all to him and he is so sorry and so am I, so we've decided to move apartments for a fresh start with a better quality of life (in with the new out with the old kind of thing), started seeing a couples therapist, and started ring shopping because we simply want a life and future and marriage and children together.
However, now when we fight, we FIGHT. Sometimes it gets physical with pushes and shoves (ive slapped him twice for lying to me). Its SO unlike who i used to be, especially compared to my previous engagement, I feel like I let the wrong guy go sometimes.
But then again, I REALLY want this to work out. I dont really want to know if I should go or stay (even though I've been googling "should i stay or leave this marriage" - treating it like a marriage), but I just really want to get to a healthy place with each other and I just dont know how.
Judging from my excruciatingly long post, what can I do to make this work - not just in time to get engaged or married, but for the long term?
Please help me I dont know what to do anymore.
I wouldn't say DON'T marry him...but I would say wait a bit longer. Keep going to the therapist. And perhaps even see an indivdual therapist for yourself. Almost all relationships have baggage. YOU have decide if it is worth saving. But, I think one important thing to do if you decide to work through it...you have to let the past be the past. You can't drag it into your future. IF his behaviors have truly changed and he no longer lies to you, uses you, or blames YOU for HIS problems (ie sexual difficulties)...and you have decided to forgive him, then you have to do that and not hold onto it. Having said that, you mention your ex and wonder if he is the one you were supposed to be with. That could be part of the problem. We all have exes, but we don't all imagine that our exes are the one we are supposed to be with instead of the one we are with. If your head is already there, then I almost bet your heart will follow. And it will be an easy leap if you are still focused on all the negative of your current partner.
I do think love is worth fighting for. You have decide for yourself how much fight you're willing to put in. And by the way, from what you have said, there is nothing wrong with you if you choose to walk away from this relationship either. Hurts have damaged the relationship. And not every hurt has to be forgiven and forgotten. But if you do choose to forgive and forget, you have an obligation to truly make that effort. No one can get over their own mistakes if they are still being force fed them at every turn. Having said that, if the guy is still doing the same things, then that is on him. He is force feeding you the same bs. just my opinion! Good luck!!!
Some people are determined to run head first into the wall repeatedly, until they realize... hey, I'm bleeding and I haven't made a dent!
You OP sound like that girl. Maybe he's changed, but he also could very well be playing the 'good' boy until you marry. That's what bait and switch is. He's shown you who he really is and even with that knowledge you're persisting to go forward. Why? To say, I don't want to give up doesn't make you noble. It actually (with the facts you've presented here) make you very naive and somewhat of a masochist.
Forgive him? You can do that and leave him alone. Forgiveness of an individual in no way is a life sentence of servitude.
Ah ok, I see what bait and switch means... and to tell you the truth, I have dated bad news men before that I've walked away from for the simple reason they were just bad news and you cant change bad. You either are who you are or you arent. The difference with my current boyfriend is that he didnt GROW UP yet. I know that sounds ridiculous, but he acts like I DID when I was in my early twenties, and he never even lived on his own - its always been with roommates, some right out of college when he was turning 30. You're a product of your surroundings right? So I've had to look - or TRY to look past all of that. I knew this was going to be an uphill battle, Its leveled out some, but now I'm licking my wounds.
I was that person and it only changed after taking medication. Even with medication, it's still a problem. That laziness and lack of motivation is depression. It
So interesting you say this, he revealed to our therapist that he wasnt in a good place when we got together and he feels lousy even thinking about pursuing me when he had nothing to offer me but just couldnt see past his own cloud of selfishness at the time. he recognizes it now, and he seems healthy and motivated now - but I'll keep the drug thing in mind. It just seem like now I'm the hesitant one and he's all on board.
I wouldn't say DON'T marry him...but I would say wait a bit longer. Keep going to the therapist. And perhaps even see an indivdual therapist for yourself. Almost all relationships have baggage. YOU have decide if it is worth saving. But, I think one important thing to do if you decide to work through it...you have to let the past be the past. You can't drag it into your future. IF his behaviors have truly changed and he no longer lies to you, uses you, or blames YOU for HIS problems (ie sexual difficulties)...and you have decided to forgive him, then you have to do that and not hold onto it.
This is exactly what we are working on with the therapist now - is how to NOT hold on to it. I have this controlling paranoid behavior that I can simply blame on genes, but it screws me up that when someone crosses me - or makes the mistakes my boyfriend has made, it eats away at me. Not a fight isnt just about a fight anymore, its about everything else... even when its not even a big deal to fight about the actual thing.
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Originally Posted by saf0317
No one can get over their own mistakes if they are still being force fed them at every turn.
This seriously felt like a breath of fresh air. I need to be beat over the head with this, seriously. Thank you so much for this insight. It's very very very important to be told this.
we share our phone account so yes I have, actually. He has proven his mistakes are no longer being made. Believe me, you dont go months or years with being lied to and not doing your own due diligence. We show each other our email accounts, history, he gets drug tested at work, we spend all of our time together - I assure you, I'm not being dumb here. I went through paranoia, complete distrust and everything unhealthy you can think of. I'm trying to heal AND I'm trying not to do what everyone else seems to do when sh*t gets hard and walks away and starts over again.
I've been engaged once, proposed to twice, have only had serious boyfriends throughout my life and walk away from all of them. It's time to work through it with someone who is trying equally as hard. Yes, a little late, but just as hard nonetheless.
I have no clue what this means.
Bait & switch often happens once a couple with problems is married.
One partner has habits that are simply unacceptable to the other partner so he/she stops indulging in those habits in order to secure the acceptance of his/her partner.
Once married the partner with the bad habits reverts because they feel they`ve got their partner cornered into a position where they can do nothing about it once married.
If you verify his sincerity, have a good healthy relationship at the moment, and are truly committed to this course of action then do nothing beyond what the two of you are doing now.
Live, love, and enjoy life but please don`t marry this man until enough time has passed for you to build up enough trust to get to the point where you don`t wonder how to get past the resentment because the resentment has become insignificant.
I wish you luck and am impressed with your commitment.
If he`s as committed as you then you really should be fine.
In time.
I hope he realizes and appreciates how lucky he is with you.
I'm certainly no expert and my marriage is a mess so take anything I say with that in mind.
Your post suggests that it is more or less an act of WILL for you to stay with him NOW (before marriage). I believe that for all but the very best marriages (of which there are very few) there are seasons for each party where it is an act of will to stay committed. Frankly, that sentiment really shouldn't exist BEFORE you marry. Personally, that would be all I need to know. I would run.
Reading between the lines, it almost sounds as if you picked a guy up off the street and now you are willing to marry him simply to prove to yourself that you are not afraid of commitment and perhaps atone for a mistake you think you might have made. Don't make a huge mistake in marrying someone in order to prove something to yourself. You will regret it forever. At the very least, pick a better project or at least one with more perceived potential.
No intention to be harsh, just calling it like I see it.
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My own head is destroying us 
