General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Re: Newly diagnosed fatal disease, irresponsible gf makes it 10x harder
Quote:
Originally Posted by sinnister
I gotta agree with totamm, I don't know what your relationship is like with this woman but if your post is any indication of the way things are I'm on her side.
You might have GIVEN HER hep C and you're completely focused on yourself??? The womans mind is probably all over the place right now and she did nothing to get the disease except be with you.
You might want to tone down the whoa-is-me and comfort the woman you may have infected.
go to his profile and read his first thread.
You should have an idea of what his GF sounds like.
Sorry for the bad news with the diagnosis. You must be optimistic about the treatments. Doctors have come a long way. My father has hemophilia and contracted hep c in the 80s due to the tainted blood supply in America. My father was one of the first to undergo the hep c treatments. We lived in NY and my father would have to travel to florida once a month for doctors visits. When he did the treatments he stopped the first time because it was too much. He went through it a second time, had the same side effects but he is now completely cured. Back then the treatments were a lot longer. My fathers second time was about 30 months and a lot lower cure rate. I am friends with patients who have gone through it recently and it is much better now. Good luck to you.
In regards to your gf situation, you need to can her. You cannot have that stress of her around during the treatments. I know you dont want to be alone but you need and deserve someone that will sympathize with you and be there for you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by all4her
Been feeling not well at work lately, very tired, worn down, so went to my Dr to see what was up. I got a call this afternoon about my bloodwork. Turns out I have Hep-c. The ONLY way I couldve gotten it was from a contaminated needle/transfusion while I was in the bolivian hospital for typhoid.
I called my gf who was running an errand and told her. She came right home and comforted me. I was stunned and horrified, yet something else to battle another illness....one I can possibly never ever recover from...
She told me she's going to get tested today and I better come and she will be really pissed if i dont. I told her I was just diagnsed an hour ago and sitting in a clinic isnt my top place I want to be right now....but that I will go to support her...how can I say no, not in the mood b/c I got diagnosed wtih this potentially fatal thing, even tho theres a shot you may have it too?
We've never shared needles, sex is fairly clean, shes concerned about the times shes shared a toothbrush with me.
Anyway, she says theres a place and gets the address. I begin to ask general questions about the clinic, and asked her to call them to make sure she has all the info she needs. She says no. I say Why?
she says "I dont want to know, it will just stress me out" so I laugh and say ok....we all have our way of coping....
After wondering lost in the city for the past half hr we find the clinic in a shady part of town next to a liquor shop and tattoo parlor (not where u wanna be when u find out u have hepc) with homeless people shouting and sitting everywhere on the stoops.
We walk into the building and there are like 5 clinics. I ask what the name of the clinic she wanted was...
I dont know....she says....
WTF u dont know the name of the clinic??? No. She doesnt.
So she aims around knocking on locked doors until someone tells us where to go. We go and find its closed and locked as well and the hours on it are "different from the website".
YES. She didnt know the ****ing name of the place. Didnt get the right info. Sent me on an 1 hr long drama filled goose hunt for her literally right as im still stunned by my diagnosis.....and for NOTHING..
I am so angry right now. I am so upset. I feel so alone. I went and asked to be in bed alne and she wouldnt let me lie there alone and said "I have a right to be here" so I left and am sitting on the couch while shes in the bed moping....
I am so upset. The treatment (best case scenario here) will last me 6 mnths to a year w/ flu like symptoms....
and no she has nojob yet. This time she had one for 2 days and quit. We have spit finances and split up the savings but its become worrysome b/c she has evolved to quite like not having to ask anyone and blowing money like crazy while bragging "its my money i can do what i want w/ it" while she has no job to bring in more once that money (that lets be honest is mine bc i saved it) will be gone....
I am so worried. and scared. and just sad. I dnt know why i expected anything else. I just did...
Re: Newly diagnosed fatal disease, irresponsible gf makes it 10x harder
I have to say I can see both sides. I haven't read your other posts but I think that maybe the two of you have had a pretty intense day and need to relax and come together instead of falling apart, pushing each other away and blame shifting.. My Dad was diagnosed quite some time ago with Hep C as well as HIV and didn't start having symptoms for many many years after being diagnosed. You just need to take really good care of yourself. You're gf may have been in too much of a dazzle to figure out everything she needed too about the clinic. Us females tend to think about a million things at once.. About the unemployment issue, have you talked to her about it and let her know that you would like her to take searching for a job a lot more seriously?
Re: Newly diagnosed fatal disease, irresponsible gf makes it 10x harder
All4her:
It's Thursday. You've had a couple of days to digest the news. (Sending another *hug* from your FAVORITE azz-kicker ) You are a smart, logical guy; you WILL get through this ONE STEP AT A TIME.
1.) This weekend take some ALONE time away from the house and the GF. Think about the different situations you have to deal with and how you can cope with each one in turn. You have limited health and limited financial resources; you can't afford to let DRAMA drain you of either. FOCUS ON YOU. Take a notebook/pencils with you.
2.) Health: Your most immediate need right now is information/treatment on Hep-C. Perform your due diligence on the disease, likely treatments, likely outcomes, etc. Look at the information THOROUGHLY and make sure you understand it. If you have any questions, make a list for your doctor so nothing gets overlooked at your next appointment. NOW, you've done ALL you can regarding this situation...for the time being.
3.) Finances: Your next situation that needs addressing is the financial mess. Continue to work as you feel up to it. Quit giving GF ANY MONEY...INCLUDING SAVINGS. God knows YOU will need it yourself. Let her Daddy bail her out (again), or LET HER FAIL. You are NOT her personal savior. Make yourself a budget for the summer so you will know that you are as prepared as possible for the cross-country move at the end of the summer. If you have ANY joint bank-accounts or credit cards with this GF, CLOSE THEM NOW. You will need money. Your meds will cost money, your move will cost money, your new apt will cost money, down-payments on utilities will cost money. QUIT THROWING MONEY DOWN THE ENDLESS MONEY-PIT THAT IS YOUR GF. YOU WILL NEVER HAVE ENOUGH FOR HER. NEVER. EVER.
4.) Relationship: Make a FINAL decision on your GF; you're either 'in' or you're 'out.' We ALL hope (yes, I'm presuming to speak for everyone who's read your threads at TAM) that you will be leaving this GF behind when you move cross-country. I will say it again: You can't afford the drama. Not physically, not emotionally, not financially. Especially now with this new medical condition to deal with. At this point, if you are still determined to stay with her, then I am sure there is nothing we can say to dissuade you in the matter. If, however, you are done with her, then let her know NOW that YOU ALONE will be making the trip cross-country. She will not be coming with you, she will not be visiting you. The relationship will end when you leave town. (This is probably more warning than I, personally, believe she deserves, but then I'm a catty old b!tch when I feel like it!) With any luck, she'll move out now and lower your monthly bills between now and the end of the summer.
Remember to keep your health up: eat properly, rest, get exercise, practice relaxation. You've got a lot on your plate right now and ONLY by being thoughtful, logical, responsible, and kind to YOURSELF will you be able to keep appropriate balance in your life!
Re: Newly diagnosed fatal disease, irresponsible gf makes it 10x harder
Quote:
and you are getting pissed off at HER for messing up some directions and office hours?
The simple PHONE CALL he requested her to make would have garnered them:
* the name of the clinic
* directions to the clinic
* hours of operation for the clinic
Something any responsible ADULT would have known. He DEFINITELY had just been diagnosed and was in shock; she 'might' have the disease. Just another example of her irresponsibility and her 'all about me' attitude. Some things never change.
Re: Newly diagnosed fatal disease, irresponsible gf makes it 10x harder
Exactly what I am saying Slowlygettingwiser! It wasnt about her being concerned about herself it was about not being prepared and throwing me in the chaos at the worst possible time!!!!
Anyway, I get what you are all saying, Its been hard to post lately, I have strong reason to believe she's reading these forums and my posts.
I am concerned, I agreed to work with her on this on-call catering/waitressing place. Well we are scheduled to work tomorrow, and I'm not (and havent been) feeling up to it. Took her out today to go get the uniform required and told her I was prob not going to go afterall, she said she didnt think she was either...
Then she went around shopping for personal clothes....
so I calmly explained to her that me not going was different from her, that I already have a job, that she doesnt know when or where her next paycheck would be coming from....
I left out my recent diagnosis as a factor bc it should be obvious that i dont want to work 2 jobs through all this
anyway she said "yeah but i dont want to go if you wont be going" and I told her she was a grown ass woman and needed to do things on her own.
Re: Newly diagnosed fatal disease, irresponsible gf makes it 10x harder
Quote:
Should I just buck up and go to this one shift?
HELL NO!!!!
1.) You're SICK. You need to rest. You need some peace and quiet this weekend.
2.) You don't need the job...SHE does.
3.) You going would just be 'enabling' her. STOP IT. She IS a grown-azz woman (in theory ONLY). She can get a uniform on her own (she can find all the OTHER clothing stores in town), she can get to the job...on time...by herself... I mean we all KNOW she WON'T, but she COULD.
Stop enabling her. Stop giving a cr*p if she goes to the job or not (you already KNOW she won't). Stop worrying about her 1/2 of the bills...she sure as hell doesn't worry. You're the one who's SICK, you need to quit worrying about her.
Quote:
I have strong reason to believe she's reading these forums and my posts
So what?!? The only SURPRISING thing would be if she actually took a look at herself and GREW UP! I'm sure NOTHING YOU ARE WRITING would come as a surprise to her. She knows she's a selfish be-yotch and she doesn't care. She probably IS surprised that people here don't like her...she undoubtedly thinks she's cute, fun, and everyone LOVES her!!!!
Re: Newly diagnosed fatal disease, irresponsible gf makes it 10x harder
All4her:
If you WEREN'T sick, I'd give you a virtual head-slap (a la Leroy Jethro Gibbs on NCIS) for asking that last question.
Now your GF on the other hand..., well, I WAS thinking of giving her a good virtual b!tch-slapping, but I've decided I'd rather give her a good virtual beat-down!
[to quote My Big Fat Greek Wedding: an old-lady ass-kicking!]
Re: Newly diagnosed fatal disease, irresponsible gf makes it 10x harder
Oh my goodness All4Her.. I just read your previous post to see if I could get a better understanding of what is really going on here. I want to say that you have a really big heart and you are a loyal person, BUT you are also being a push-over.. Sadly. The only reason she keeps pulling this same old lazy **** is because you are letting her. I mean there are a lot of people who don't WANT to work, but we know we should, even if we are wealthy.. I am 21 years old and I work part-time and am starting school again in the Fall.. I took a break from school to raise my ex-bf's daughter for two years and to work to help provide for my little family. But there is a time when enough is enough. When you start feeling alone in a relationship and your spouse is wanting to spend all of the money you work hard for to buy things they "want" and not what they "need" there is an issue. She doesn't love you. If she did, she wouldn't treat you the way she does and use you for money.. I couldn't ever imagine using anyone for there money. Especially my Father. She is so selfish and doesn't seem to know what real love is. It's sad. She needs professional help that she obviously thinks she is too good for. Quite giving her ultimatums and allowing her to keeping intoxicating your life and relationship. It will only leave you hurt and broken in the end. I say focus on "YOU" and ONLY YOU for a while. You are going to end up meeting someone who is beautiful, smart, loving, and truly loyal and a real woman who can clean, maybe cook, and also work to help. You will be surprised at how many of us are still out there haha Anyways, I hope that you really take all of these smart people's advice. You deserve better.
Re: Newly diagnosed fatal disease, irresponsible gf makes it 10x harder
Just read your story....
I don't know who to blame more after having read it.
This woman is beyond toxic and you're not even married to her? How much abuse can one man take? She's not even relationship material. You need a partner, someone who will work with you to build a future. Not blow all your money, rack up debt than lie to her dad about how the money was spent.
I still stand by my statement that maybe she was freaking a bit not knowing if she had hep c...it's pretty traumatic so i would give a pass on the lack of planning for that.
But for everything else? Now that you know she's clean maybe you should start looking for someone else?
Re: Newly diagnosed fatal disease, irresponsible gf makes it 10x harder
this is getting really depressing and i am feeling more and more hopeless about the situation as i talk to you guys. The more i hear the more I become incensed, I knew all along deep down this was some BS but hearing it from other people confirmed is more upsetting than i thought it would be....
I hate coming home to someone i am not at all glad to see. She bounds around happily and I am just tired and whatsmore, exhausted at the idea of having to go out and do something with her, or sit at home with her, or seeing her lie there knowing thats what she does all day when I'm gone.
I basically told her that just now tht its difficult to have fun like i used to when i feel like i am taking care of a child (this was after she put a pillow over her face and stopped speaking to me). Im over this so much. How do I undo 5 years, how do I separate this apartment, these pets, this life, this car we share. I keep expecting stupidly she will ****ing wake up and see how much she hurts us, but i continue to be the blamed one who loses my temper while she only wanted to have a good time.
the party is over for me, so i dont feel like having a good time. She knows it nd isnt changing or trying. and the more she just sits on her ass metaphorically and physically, the more angry i become.
that said, she did do a shift of work today and is being VERY self righteous about it at the moment.
13Likes
Re: Newly diagnosed fatal disease, irresponsible gf makes it 10x harder 
Yeah.
) You are a smart, logical guy; you WILL get through this ONE STEP AT A TIME.
but I've decided I'd rather give her a good virtual beat-down! 
You deserve better.
