General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
My husband of 10 years has always struggled with anxiety and depression - which is usually under control with medication however he has always been extremely jealous of anyone (particularly men) who I talk to - even co-workers. Last summer he suffered a major health issue diverticulitis attack which resulted in a sepsis infection - he was hospitalized for 20 days. I was by his side every minute and he thanked me constantly but since his recovery he has been in a constant state of anger and depression "pouting" - our son is 10 and is always asking me why is Dad so mad at us, every time I want to break down in tears because I honestly don't know how to answer him. It has been almost a year of this now and I'm almost completely spent, exhausted and ready to give up. Every time I try to talk to him about it he just says that he has his own issues going on and he can't deal with mine?? So I have been dealing with it for a year and recently he finally agreed to go on a family/friend day trip to the river - it was fine but I noticed that he was his old self with our friends, joking and actually cracking a smile...but he never spoke to me or our son the entire day? I was so upset, but of course didn't know what to say or how to approach it, so last night I sat down with him and explained everything how I felt like he is okay with everyone else but angry all of time at home – he just blew it off and said we were talking in circles and the conversation was pretty much over...so now I'm stuck - do I try to talk to him again or is it time to end this? I also worry about sharing custody, when he gets really angry he calls me terrible things to family members, the thought of him doing that in front of our son terrifies me but on the other hand what kind of example am I setting for my son showing him that it's basically okay for me to be treated this way, I love my husband he was my best friend and I feel like it's all gone now.
people with depression will hide it from certain people, so dont take too much stock in the fact he seems fine with friends and not with you unless there is some underlying issue you havent told us yet.
how willing has he been with going to a psychiatrist or other professional help?
My fiance also deals with depression, and I deal with anxiety. They go hand in hand, but I don't really experience depression and he doesn't really have anxiety. But I agree with Almostrecovered. People who deal with these things hide them from certain people. He is closest with you than anyone, therefore, he isn't afraid to show you the "real" him. I do the same thing. My co-workers do not see my anxiety, even though all day I'm super anxious and upset over something, I can hide behind a smile and good mood. Totally fake. When I talk to my fiance, he gets the real deal. It's nothing personal to him, I just know I can't hide it from him. My fiance went through a very bad time right before we met, and ended up in the hospital because of his depression. He went to a psychiatrist and got medicated and is much better. But here recently, the past 2 months or so, I noticed he wasn't himself. He was extremely moody with me, short with my son, just a jerk. It was really starting to upset me because he's always treated me like a queen. It started causing terrible fights, and I was so confused. He was so hateful to us, especially to me, and told him he didn't want to be with me anymore and just said HATEFUL terrible things. Well, that just ignited my anxiety so we were nothing but a mess. After hours of screaming and crying, we were able to calm things down. The next day, I sat him down and talked to him. I asked him what is going on, and asked him if he had been taking his meds. Found out, he wasn't, and he hadn't been taking them for a couple of months because of the sexual side effects. He told him they made him feel less of a man sexually like he couldn't satisfy me, which is CRAZY! I told him if he didn't take his meds, he wouldn't have me to satisfy because I couldn't stick around that kind of emotional abuse. I had already been in a very bad marriage before and I've learned my lesson. So, he has started taking his meds again and it's amazing, the difference! He's back to himself and we haven't fought one time. Not even argued. Before, I couldn't say anything without him attacking me. I think the first step your husband needs to take if he hasn't already is to talk to a professional. Maybe if he's on meds, they aren't the right ones. I've been through that as well.
Has your husband seen anyone for his depression? Is he on anything for it?
Have you considered recording him treating you and your son like **** on some instances and then playing it back to him at a later time so he can see how bad he really is? Or record him being that way and then record your son talking about how it makes him feel when his dad acts like that. Maybe he will Finally see he needs some serious help.
Another option is giving him the ultimatum of getting help or separating from you while you decide what's best for you and your son. Whatever you do, do it sooner than later before your son ends up being affected by your husbands attitude long term. If your hubby won't go to counseling maybe you and your son go for your own benifit.
What are his reasons for acting like this? You just brushed it off like he was being irrational. My guess is you are doing the same thing when he is telling you, hence the circles comment and his frustration.
What is he actually saying? Are you really trying to understand him or just make him out to be crazy?
He refuses all offers of seeking help, I have told him that counseling seems like the best alternative for us - but he flat out refuses it. I was thinking about making an appointment for myself and seeing if he would then come with me....not sure how that would turn out.
He refuses all offers of seeking help, I have told him that counseling seems like the best alternative for us - but he flat out refuses it. I was thinking about making an appointment for myself and seeing if he would then come with me....not sure how that would turn out.
You didn't answer the question. What is he saying is the reason he's acting like this? What is his complaint?
You say, "Why are you ignoring your wife and son?" and he says "???"
He's obviously saying something as you had a disagreement about it. I don't see any attempt from your side to understand what he's feeling. I'm not saying your wrong, or that he's acting rationally or anything like that. Just, a lack of empathy.
gettingstronger, I'm cutting and pasting what you posted in Leah's thread
[posted originally by gettingstronger]
Quote:
My husband and i have been going through the exact same thing, we have been married for 11 years (we married young 20 + 21) and he and I have always have co-worker "friends" that we text and FB - we also have always had a wonderful relationship.
However, recently a new woman 38, married to a 28 year old and have 5 year old twins started working at his his office.
I didn't think anything about the texting at first but it seemed to be becoming constant - while we were at home in the evening and on the weekend sometimes every hour! I asked him what it was all about and like your husband he didn't initiate the communication but always responded. It was always little stuff and then like your situation asking him our to drinks with the rest of the co-workers.
I was really angry because i knew exactly what she is trying to doing, my husband and i talked it all out and he said he would tell her that it was getting to be to much - if she needed something about work that would be fine but otherwise his time at home was for me and our family. Not sure if this has actually happened?? but I have to trust him or our relationship is over.
[this was advice you gave Leah in her thread] P.S. stop reading his emails and texts, this will only drive you crazy and if you don't have trust in him then i doubt it can ever be regained to what it was before. Whatever happens is going to happen, have faith in your husband - he sounds like a good guy just stuck between his job and a crazy woman.
[more comments you posted in Leah's thread]
I totally agree, men seem so oblivious sometimes to other women's childish behavior and or tricks, it really amazes me that my husband doesn't think that she is attracted to him at all - he says "she treats all the guys at work like this" if that is true then his company has a big problem. The imagination is a terrible thing and can sometimes run away - (I know!) like you i thought about stopping in one day and being really friendly to her - but i was afraid that may spark her to try even harder.
[one last post you made in Leah's thread]
I had wrote you before, and am going through the exact same thing, last night my husband and I were sitting by the pool relaxing and he got a text message. He had talked to his co-worker about not texting him about anything but work and only at home if was a "work" emergency....well....she text him last night saying that her husband was being so mean to her and she went for a walk by herself because she felt so alone blah,blah,blah.....well, I almost seriously lost it - because I know what she is doing, she is doing ANYTHING to get his attention. I casually got up and told him that if he needed to talk to his "friend" then I would go inside and leave him to it, he said no that he wasn't going to text her back. Later, I saw him take his phone into the bathroom with him??? not sure if he texted her but like you, I am getting fed up...however - my main problem is with my husband...he should be respecting my feelings as your husband should be respecting yours.
gettingstronger--now your original thread makes sense. You were originally posting about your husband's anxiety and depression. COguy asked some questions that you never answered.
Thanks to your posts in Leah's thread (which I've cut and pasted here with your understanding that I'd do so), we have a broader picture.
We have:
1. a husband who is extremely jealous of you when you talk to male co-workers
2. constant state of [inexplicable] anger and depression "pouting"
3. this is unlike him--he was not this way before (at least not this extreme)
4. this has been going on for a year
5. he was your best friend, now he calls you terrible names in front of family members
6. recently a new woman 38, married to a 28 year old and have 5 year old twins started working at his office
7. recently with friends you saw his "old" self that he never shows you any more, on a river trip
8. this woman was on this river trip
9. his texting to her is "constant - while we were at home in the evening and on the weekend sometimes every hour!"
10. last night you were sitting by the pool relaxing and he got a text message from her. She did this even though "he had talked to his co-worker about not texting him about anything but work and only at home if was a "work" emergency"
11. she texted him last night saying that her husband was being so mean to her and she went for a walk by herself because she felt so alone blah,blah,blah
Now just my thoughts after reading all the various things you posted--
It is 100% inappropriate for a married man to be texting "constantly" to a married female work colleague when he's at home, every hour on the hour, about her private marital affairs.
He may have told you that she's not to text him about non-work stuff at home, but right in front of you he makes no effort to shut her down. This means he probably didn't put much, if any, effort to prevent these communications.
I'm going to quote from His Needs, Her Needs for Parents, by Dr. Harley, a well-known marriage counselor who specializes in healing from infidelity:
Quote:
We all need to know that someone cares for us, and people commonly express that care through affection. When you hug someone, you send them a message: "You're important to me, and I'll care for you." Hugs that are given to friends, relatives, children, pets, and even stuffed animals, can communicate a simple message of care.
But intimate affection goes much further. It communicates the care needed in a romantic relationship. Studies have shown that one of the quickest ways to make someone fall in love with you is to say you care for them and then prove it by the way you treat them. That's because intimate affection meets a very important emotional need, especially in women.
****
Not surprisingly, intimate affection in a relationship outside of marriage can easily lead to an affair. It causes such large Love Bank deposits that when that need is met, the romantic love threshold is often breached. So your intimate affection should be reserved for each other and your children. Never tell someone of the opposite sex outside of your family how much they mean to you and how much you care for them. It's a formula for marital disaster.
You--and your husband--may say in return after reading this passage, but he hasn't told her that he cares for her. To which I say, bs. He has repeatedly, for hours and hours and hours by now, listened patiently as she stabbed her young husband in the back for all his marital peccadillos. This is intimate affection in a nutshell: he is sexually attracted to women, she is a woman, she is betraying her marriage by sharing secrets from her marriage and tearing down her husband to a person who should have no part of that, and he is doing nothing to stop her.
In fact, I strongly suspect he's encouraging this behavior. He is thoroughly enjoying rescuing his work colleague and he derives all kinds of emotional satisfaction from listening to her woes.
Your advice to Leah was to stop reading the texts between her husband and his coworker. Do you read the texts? Is he open with his computer and phone? How much of this do you read? He is texting her so much--how do you know all of the things that they say to each other?
Ok. It looks like your WH is in a full blown Emotional Affair (EA). The OW is a coworker thats using a typical ploy: She claims to be in an abusive relationship and needs him to save her and be a shoulder to cry on. And like many wayward husbands (WH) he has the Knight In Shining Armor (KWIM) syndrome and wants to save her. Expose the affair to the Other Woman's Husband (OWH) and you WH must go No Contact (NC). Preferably one of them must leave the job if NC is to be maintained. Posted via Mobile Device
I should have added, my husband's EA was just the same. Co-worker in a loveless marriage.
Except, my husband hid his texting with her not long after the period of intense texting in front of me. (Before that he claimed he was including a male work colleague in joint texts. I never asked to read even one text between them.)
I discovered their full-blown soulmate relationship when I found a secret email acct open on our computer; that was about 1.5 YEARS into the relationship.
So much for the theory of not reading their texts because it will just drive you crazy. Posted via Mobile Device
iheartlife, thank you so very much for taking the time to sort through all of my various posts!
To answer your question, no - i haven't read one email or text, and I have been tempted BUT it just doesn't feel right.....but after reading all of your advice I wonder if it's time I find out what is really going on.
I can't keep living in a marriage where it will be in the back of my mind always wondering if there was or is more.
How did you and your husband overcome this? did he or she move jobs? did you go the counseling?
Well--as far as me not reading my husband's texts--you have to understand, it never once entered my mind to do so. He was never even close to acting as suspiciously as your husband is. I strongly suspected an affair, as I said, but I never dreamed it was with this particular co-worker. I discovered the affair because of an open secret email acct on our home computer.
It's important to understand that most emotional affairs start unintentionally. Yes, some people seek them out. But they are very insidious because they develop from otherwise innocent relationships. Discussing private marital stuff with a co-worker breaks down the usual work colleague barriers. It creates an "us" between the two people. From there, falling in love is just a step or two away.
"Falling in love" is not the deep bond that you'd need before you married someone. It's infatuation, but the emotions are powerful and they feel AWESOME. Most married people have not felt that way in an extremely long time and it is a huge ego-boost and wonderful in every way.
When I discovered my husband's secret email account, he had already quit his job with the co-worker. She also had a new job.
If they had continued to work together, one or the other would have had to quit their jobs. Once they are in an actual emotional affair, they cannot go back to just being friends. It's no different from an ex-BF or ex-GF. You shared something, you went a ways down a road together, and you will always have a bond.
My H and I are not examples to follow on how to break up an affair. That's because like you, I was so trusting. After DD#1 I never asked for his phone. I never dreamed of installing a VAR (voice-activated recorder) because I'd never heard of using one. If I had done that ONE thing--installed a recorder--I would have discovered that just a few weeks after DD#1--at the very START of MC--he was right back in touch with her.
Emotional affairs are powerful compulsions / habits, some say addictions. They are lots and lots of fun and in general people do not give them up because their spouse is outraged or deeply wounded. Those reactions--like you getting up in the huff--they worked for little things like not taking out the garbage again. For an emotional affair, getting huffy is like throwing a stick at a tank. It doesn't just bounce off--the people in the tank don't hear the stick when it hits the tank.
You should educate yourself about emotional affairs. The book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass is such an eye-opener.
Your husband's constant inappropriate all-hours texting is a huge, huge red flag. Coupled with the bajillion other red flags--the irritability and the personality change being up at the top--odds are he is in knee-deep with this lady already.
But, you have no way of knowing one way or another. I'm guessing it's because if you asked to read the texts, he'd get in your face and yell at you and tell you to shove it down your throat. Or some approximation of that. Am I right at all about that?
How long has the texting been going on? Just curious as to why you didn't mention it in your original post, yet has significance since you are at your breaking point. Posted via Mobile Device
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not sure what to do?? 
