General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
i'm at a turning point in life, and in four weeks i have a black and white decision to make.
i have been married to my hubs for almost 2 years... 4 years total. my husband is a hindu pakistani... just turned 27. in march 2009 he was out of town and i checked his laptop and found pictures from his engagement party with another girl. he was supposed to have an arranged marriage.
instead he asked me to marry him and 2 months later we had a court marriage. we've had a pretty good marriage; we go months without arguing about anything serious usually. when i met him he was living off daddy's money living in a friend's basement, and now we have a very nice life.
before we got married i wanted to change my name.. he said he wasnt comfortable with that. he also wasnt comfortable telling his parents about our marriage. we agreed he would tell them after we'd been married for two years. his family not knowing hasnt really been a huge problem for me on a daily basis. i get upset when he visits his sister in NY and when they call.. but i usually just leave the room. but overall it does bother me. i feel there's an element of shame or embarassment in being married to me.
once he called me his roommate infront of his friends and that stung pretty badly.
he's had some issues with porn, emailing craigslist hookers, emailing regular people (guys and girls... which he said was for jokes), facebook stalking his ex... but he's not a bad guy.
lately we havent been getting along at all... i'd blame it on the tension of our upcoming anniversary, but i dunno. he gets upset over stupid stuff and in my head i'm thinking "dude, you're making this decision really easy for me"...
but really its a huge decision. we never talk about it becuase its sensitive for both of us.. so i've been playing the waiting game for nearly 2 years. there's no signal or hint that he's just gonna tell them and not make me agonize anymore. he knows its a dealbreaker for me and he had said "I can do anything for you" when we last discussed it, but he seems incappable of answering yes or no which is scary.
so here i am.. 25 days away from the big day. and reality is starting to hit. where would i go? should i even go? i cant really afford rent on my part time bank job... should i ask my mom to buy a condo with me? does a good marriage really need to be thrown down the toilet because of his racist brown family? what the hell gives them the right to be racist towards me anyway?? maybe they'd accept me and he's just too chicken **** to find out? should i tell them myself? should i stay out of his family relationships since i really know very little about them? its a very weird situation.. but any advice is appreciated
I'm sorry, and I may be overstepping some boundry with different cultures or something, but if my husband hid me from his family, intoduced me - his wife - to people as a roomate, emailed craigslist hookers and facebook stalked his ex... honey - I'd have had my bags packed and the seperation agreement in hand a looooong time ago!
First off - he decided to marry you and he needs to own that! If he's too much of a pu**y to man up and try and have his family and friends understand and accept the supposed love he has for you then what kind of husband is that? I was assuming he was a grown a** man until your post led me to see otherwise...
Facebook stalking - really? What grade is he in, 7th? Again, he needs to grow up. He obviously has some kind of lingering infatuation with her if he's got to keep tabs on this woman still - while he's married to you!
And last, but certainly not least, craigslist hookers!!!????!!! Have you expressed that even if it is a joke to him (which I highly doubt cause this guy just seems like a scumbag) that you do not care for this kind of behavior? I would hope that you have and I would hope that if your husband gave a rat's a** about you and your feelings he would have stopped the hooker contact...
Sorry if I've come across harsh. Only you can decide if this marriage is worth holding on to and if it is your choice to hang in there and see if things work out - then I wish you the very best of luck... but as I said before, I would have been gone years ago - hell, I wouldn't have married that man in the first place.
thanks for your reply... i understand that the situation is difficult to grasp. their family relationships are different than ours. i'm not saying that to defend what he's done, but on some level i understand. personally i'm really great friends with my mom. i can tell her just about anything. its because she's supportive and not judgemental of anything i do. i married a guy who didnt have a job or a real place to live and she let us use her credit card (not for stupid stuff.. but for things like groceries and gas) during our first year of marriage.
the parents over there expect so much from their children. that's why there are sooo many doctors and computer geeks who come from india and pakistan. and they are petty... they use the silent treatment agaisnt their own sons and daughters when they dont live up to their expectations. that's what my hubs is worried about. he's going to have to trade. i will be his new and only family after they find out... at least for a while. would you trade your entire family for your husband? its not a dynamic we as americans can easily understand.
we deleted our facebooks years ago so he can only look at the main page that basically just has the profile picture and country of residence. and her picture was of some anime character. not sure why he was looking at it.. just to look i guess. and i'm not gonna lie.. i've searched for my ex just out of curiousity. i guess "stalked" was a bad word for it.
obviously i've said that CL hookers are not something i approve of or allow in a relationship with me. this was when we were dating and we didnt live together. he has since stopped.
but these behaviors i still cant ignore... i think they attribute to his personality even though they've been in the past. i still think, "he's done ____, so he'd be the type of person to ____". maybe that's unfair.
i'm at a turning point in life, and in four weeks i have a black and white decision to make.
i have been married to my hubs for almost 2 years... 4 years total. my husband is a hindu pakistani... just turned 27. in march 2009 he was out of town and i checked his laptop and found pictures from his engagement party with another girl. he was supposed to have an arranged marriage.
instead he asked me to marry him and 2 months later we had a court marriage. we've had a pretty good marriage; we go months without arguing about anything serious usually. when i met him he was living off daddy's money living in a friend's basement, and now we have a very nice life.
before we got married i wanted to change my name.. he said he wasnt comfortable with that. he also wasnt comfortable telling his parents about our marriage. we agreed he would tell them after we'd been married for two years. his family not knowing hasnt really been a huge problem for me on a daily basis. i get upset when he visits his sister in NY and when they call.. but i usually just leave the room. but overall it does bother me. i feel there's an element of shame or embarassment in being married to me.
once he called me his roommate infront of his friends and that stung pretty badly.
he's had some issues with porn, emailing craigslist hookers, emailing regular people (guys and girls... which he said was for jokes), facebook stalking his ex... but he's not a bad guy.
lately we havent been getting along at all... i'd blame it on the tension of our upcoming anniversary, but i dunno. he gets upset over stupid stuff and in my head i'm thinking "dude, you're making this decision really easy for me"...
but really its a huge decision. we never talk about it becuase its sensitive for both of us.. so i've been playing the waiting game for nearly 2 years. there's no signal or hint that he's just gonna tell them and not make me agonize anymore. he knows its a dealbreaker for me and he had said "I can do anything for you" when we last discussed it, but he seems incappable of answering yes or no which is scary.
so here i am.. 25 days away from the big day. and reality is starting to hit. where would i go? should i even go? i cant really afford rent on my part time bank job... should i ask my mom to buy a condo with me? does a good marriage really need to be thrown down the toilet because of his racist brown family? what the hell gives them the right to be racist towards me anyway?? maybe they'd accept me and he's just too chicken **** to find out? should i tell them myself? should i stay out of his family relationships since i really know very little about them? its a very weird situation.. but any advice is appreciated
There are so many red flags here (the bolded parts) that I wonder how you managed to overlook them.
In high school English class, I had to read the book "Jane Eyre". The hero in the book, Mr. Rochester, had a wife who lived in the attic. No one else knew about her except one maid who helped to take care of her. She was Rochester's crazy wife so he kept her there because of his reputation and image.
I'm sorry if this hurts your feelings and I think you already know this on some level, but your husband IS embarassed by his marriage to you. He's treating you like his dirty little secret. He's kept you a secret for YEARS! For all you know, his family back in Pakistan might be looking to set him up with another girl from back home.
If it were me, I wouldn't find this situation acceptable for even a month. If he's so scared of his family, he's not ready to be married. He's so willing to live a lie.
You need to ask some hard questions and you need to find the courage to do it like yesterday.
"would you trade your entire family for your husband? its not a dynamic we as americans can easily understand. "
One thing I've said before in other posts and am a firm believer in is the fact the when I married my husband I took a vow to forsake ALL others for him. My husband is my #1 priority in life and he comes before anything and anyone else. When we were married we began our own family, a family that each of our respectives should acknowledge and resepct.
Now, I admit, I have not had to trade any member of my family for my husband because my family (like your mom) is very supportive of me AND my relationship with my husband. But friends, yes, I have given up very close friends I considered family because they were toxic to our marriage.
I guess, to me, it sounds almost like he wants to have his cake and eat it, too.
And maybe Coffee is right, maybe your husband is not ready for marriage... .
What I can not grasp is if your husband is so scared of upsetting his family why he would have married you in the first place? He obviously holds his family in higher regards than you. No offense, but was the relationship he began with you some sort of rebellion against the prearranged marriage set up by his family? And if so, is he regretting the relationship/marriage now?
You sound like you do not appreciate the way your husband treats you or your marriage but at the same time you defend his actions...
I think the best thing you and your husband can do is to take a real close examination of your marriage and figure out if it can be a fufilling and rewarding marriage if you both continue on your current path. For example - what if he doesn't tell his parents about you - ever? Is that going to be a deal breaker or will you just roll over and accept it when it so obviously bothers you?
i havent overlooked them. that's why i mentioned these "flags" as things i am considering.
i never read jane eyre, so it's hard to understand the comparison without having read the book. i can understand the similarity in situations but i'm not crazy. im just white. i'm not helpless, and i can stand up for myself whenever i want.
i'd like for anyone who wishes to read and respond to sort of personalize my situation.. i think you're reading this thinking, "damn.. that ***** is an idiot..." instead of "wow, if my husband who i've loved for years did something like that.." or "if my family ignored me if i married my husband i'd ___"
i had already been with my hubs for 2 years before i even found out. i was already in love. i was planning on marrying him someday. we'd already been through a lot together. and he fought for me. he married me. he proved that he loved me. he made a promise to me about his family and if he breaks it i get to make the decisions which changes both our lives forever.
if his parents are planning on arranging him to marry somone else, i dont really care. frankly, it would take the decision out of my hands. kind of like being fired from a job that you hate.
maybe i'm different... and this is such a difficult decision for me because i actually love my husband and i value the vows of marriage. i dont take the decision to divorce lightly..
haha, thanks guys.. but not being ready for marriage isnt an option. we're already married. day to day things are usually great. we get along most of the time. our major fights have been about what i mentioned in the original post.
i dont understand how marrying me would be a rebellion against his parents if they dont know he's rebelling? but no, we met about 6 months after he moved to the US. he had 3 friends who he only saw on weekends. and he clung himself to me the day we met. there is a genuine love that has kept us together through everything. our relationship really has nothing to do with his family.. and how could it? they dont know i exist...
for the past 2 years i had been thinking that the day of our second anniversary i'd be gone if the "secret" wasnt out. now.. i dunno.
Is there a chance he is already married to some girl from his home country? I don't see why he didn't even introduce you to his friends. Has he introduced to you as his wife to anybody at all from his side? And yes, are you helping him with his visa, green card in any way? Does he go away for long on business trips etc?
I know a person who was cheated that way and it came to my mind. Might not apply to you but wld like to check anyways.
I didn't want to bring up the green card issue, but that thought also crossed my mind. I've known people who married American citizens for the green card and citizenship. One friend's husband from overseas divorced her as soon as he got his citizenship. He seemed like a loving husband all that time, but one wonders if he was really after the coveted citizenship. And he didn't keep her a secret like your husband is doing to you. His family visited them and vice versa.
The other impression I got from your posts is that he's treating you like a man would his mistress. Think about it. He doesn't introduce you to his family or friends from the home country. When your presence is revealed, he makes excuses as to who you are (i.e. a roommate). That's the kind of stuff someone does if they have an affair partner on the side.
The other impression I got from your posts is that he's treating you like a man would his mistress. Think about it. He doesn't introduce you to his family or friends from the home country. When your presence is revealed, he makes excuses as to who you are (i.e. a roommate). That's the kind of stuff someone does if they have an affair partner on the side.
Yes, that is why it came to my mind that there might in fact be another woman who is "the official wife" who was introduced to family and friends... someone who came into picture (the girl in engagement pics?) either before or after his wedding with the OP. Hopefully this is not true, but probably worth validating.
he's had some issues with porn, emailing craigslist hookers, emailing regular people (guys and girls... which he said was for jokes), facebook stalking his ex... but he's not a bad guy.
If there is some doubt as to whether your H already HAS a Pakistani wife, you should be able to ascertain the TRUTH either through INS (Immigration & Naturalization Service, there is an office in Atlanta) OR through the Pakistani Embassy Pakistani embassy and consulates in USA
It DOES sound as though your H may have another wife ALREADY in Pakistan, OR his family may have already committed to the arranged marriage (in which case, there would be SERIOUS financial and social consequences for your H's family. They may bring a great deal of pressure to bear on him to divorce you and allow the family to 'save face' by continuing on to the arranged marriage.)
Don't want to alarm you, but SOMETHING is NOT RIGHT with this entire situation. Why can't his friends know? Why can't you change your name? (even IF he wanted to divorce you after 2 years, why couldn't you use HIS name?) Why wait 2 years? Why not 1 year? This DOES sound like YOU are the 'other woman' in your H's life.
Me, personally, I would be ALL over the phone to INS and the Pakistani Embassy to ENSURE that he is NOT already married to another woman in Pakistan.
Quote:
i've been playing the waiting game for nearly 2 years
I would be MUCH MORE WORRIED that you've 'been played' for the last 2 years
multiple wives is legal in pakistan, but its a muslim thing. its a sin in hindunism and he's well aware that it's illegal here. plus that thought is down right laughable to me. its just not possible for him to have another wife. there's no one else.. trust me... its barely even me..
the woman in the engagement pictures called off the marriage... she's hoping for a love marriage to some guy.
his job sponsors his green card... plus the length requirement for your marriage not to affect your green card status is 3 years.
no my husband never goes on business trips. he's been to NY twice since we've been married (each trip was over the weekend) and he calls me with his nephew (since he's too young to understand anyway). other than that he's home every night.
my husband has 3 close friends and one of them knows about me because he's also my hubs manager. i'm on his insurance and his taxes so that's how he knows. but this was after the roommate thing last year. after the roommate thing his friends havent been allowed in our house anymore. i dont really ask about his friends knowing since they havent been over here in like 9 months. but i really dont care what his friends think. if his friends told him to divorce me he wouldnt listen. his parents are another story.
10Likes
different cultures make marriage do or die 
hmm.... how come?
