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Is Being Loved and Respected Most of the Time Unrealistic?
While I was discussing some things with the ex the topic of "us" came up and why our marriage failed. Normally I would sidestep this topic and move on to something more pertinent to our son but this time I indulged her.
She asked me what I realistically expected from a wife or her for that matter and I replied "What I have always said in the past to you, to be loved and respected 90% of the time." She retorted that I was being unrealistic and that nobody is perfect. I responded "Well 100% would be perfect, 90% percent gives your 10% wiggle room for our bad days".
I was being somewhat facetious as its difficult if not impossible to quantify behavior and give it a "grade" but it did get me thinking, is it really so unrealistic to expect your spouse/lover to treat you right MOST of the time? Am I dreaming here?
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I feel sorry for those with depression, mental illness, hangnails, bad hair, bad childhood memories, etc. I feel sorry for the visually impaired but that doesn't mean I want a blind person flying my airplane and my compassion won't make the flight any safer.
Re: Is Being Loved and Respected Most of the Time Unrealistic?
I believe in 100%...my H recently told me that he was a good man 99.9% of the time. Leaving himself enough wiggle room for bad behavior. Unnacceptable.
Re: Is Being Loved and Respected Most of the Time Unrealistic?
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Originally Posted by CandieGirl
I believe in 100%...my H recently told me that he was a good man 99.9% of the time. Leaving himself enough wiggle room for bad behavior. Unnacceptable.
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I feel sorry for those with depression, mental illness, hangnails, bad hair, bad childhood memories, etc. I feel sorry for the visually impaired but that doesn't mean I want a blind person flying my airplane and my compassion won't make the flight any safer.
Re: Is Being Loved and Respected Most of the Time Unrealistic?
I think respect has to be there 100% of the time. Since most experts say that love waxes and wanes in LTRs, hmm, maybe that can be less than 100%, marginally.
What's interesting about these concepts is that
1. There are probably a lot of people out there whom you don't like but you do respect.
2. However, how many people out there do you like or love but DON'T respect. I don't think it's possible.
Re: Is Being Loved and Respected Most of the Time Unrealistic?
Quote:
is it really so unrealistic to expect your spouse/lover to treat you right MOST of the time? Am I dreaming here?
No, I don't think it's an unrealistic expectation.
Completely agree with next_time_around that respect should be 100% of the time. Even if you're having a disagreement. Even if you're not finding your SO very 'lovable' at the moment. Even if you're having a bad day.
And everyone is ENTITLED to have bad days, bad hours, bad moments. I remember occasionally thinking (when I was younger), "Geez, even I can't stand myself right now!" Sometimes circumstances get to you. But, that does not entitle you to be evil, mean, vindictive, twisted at your SO just because life cr*pped on you! Lashing out or giving in to bad behaviors is a childish way to react to stress, disappointment, frustration. Adults don't do this.
Re: Is Being Loved and Respected Most of the Time Unrealistic?
If 100% honest conversation is always included - where you don't harm your partner in order to defend yourself - respect will always be there. It's when you stop hearing your spouse that they stop communicating and stop respecting.
Re: Is Being Loved and Respected Most of the Time Unrealistic?
Put me down as another for whom Respect 100% of the time is a firm boundary that's been communicated clearly since day 1. Sadly it seems like it takes a full marriage before that usually gets figured out.
@AFEH: As for her motivation, given that they are divorced (and don't have ties other than a shared child) it seems likely she has been trying to understand why the marriage failed (and from her answer perhaps trying to find an reason that doesn't put any blame on her).
No, not unrealistic at all. My husband and I love and respect each other at all times! Not once have we disrespected each other these last 12 years of marriage.
My first marriage was another story. My ex once told me he will never have respect for women and all women are going to hell. He's also a very sick person.
Re: Is Being Loved and Respected Most of the Time Unrealistic?
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Originally Posted by Sanity
I was being somewhat facetious as its difficult if not impossible to quantify behavior and give it a "grade" but it did get me thinking, is it really so unrealistic to expect your spouse/lover to treat you right MOST of the time? Am I dreaming here?
I think that depends an awful lot on how a person defines "love", "respect", and "treating you right". Carol and I generally argue with love and respect. Even when angry we seek to treat each other right.
Re: Is Being Loved and Respected Most of the Time Unrealistic?
I think a spouse falls out of love quite often when they lose respect for their partner. Which fits nicely once again with the belief that you can't love someone without respecting them.
What would be interesting is to list the kinds of things that would make a spouse lose respect for their partner.
Re: Is Being Loved and Respected Most of the Time Unrealistic?
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Originally Posted by Sanity
is it really so unrealistic to expect your spouse/lover to treat you right MOST of the time? Am I dreaming here?
No you aren't. My husband and I treat each other right even on the bad days. It's not too much to ask.
Even if I'm in the throes of the worst day ever I can still be nice to my husband even if that means I have tell him "sweetie I'm in a really bad mood today so I'm just going to go be alone for a while". I do the same to him as I would for friends.
Re: Is Being Loved and Respected Most of the Time Unrealistic?
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Originally Posted by Anubis
@AFEH: As for her motivation, given that they are divorced (and don't have ties other than a shared child) it seems likely she has been trying to understand why the marriage failed (and from her answer perhaps trying to find an reason that doesn't put any blame on her).
Which is exactly my point!
If she’d have said “When you have the time I’d really like to discuss with you why our marriage broke down. Please let me know when you can make the time”.
Or if Sanity had said “Why do you ask me such a question now?” then she may well have come back with “I’d really like to know why our marriage broke down”.
The whole thing would have panned out exceedingly differently to just answering a question and then getting disagreement!
The very essence of this type of communication is “Seek first to understand”! Which Sanity didn’t do. So it becomes more or less a matter of contention whatever the answer is!
Of course if Sanity’s ex would not declare her motivations for asking such a question then again he has more information to go on. Like she’s looking for fault, looking to blame, trying to hurt him …. Or whatever her motivation was. In this latter again she would not have got an answer from me without knowing her motivations!
Re: Is Being Loved and Respected Most of the Time Unrealistic?
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Originally Posted by AFEH
Which is exactly my point!
If she’d have said “When you have the time I’d really like to discuss with you why our marriage broke down. Please let me know when you can make the time”.
Or if Sanity had said “Why do you ask me such a question now?” then she may well have come back with “I’d really like to know why our marriage broke down”.
The whole thing would have panned out exceedingly differently to just answering a question and then getting disagreement!
The very essence of this type of communication is “Seek first to understand”! Which Sanity didn’t do. So it becomes more or less a matter of contention whatever the answer is!
Of course if Sanity’s ex would not declare her motivations for asking such a question then again he has more information to go on. Like she’s looking for fault, looking to blame, trying to hurt him …. Or whatever her motivation was. In this latter again she would not have got an answer from me without knowing her motivations!
Ah, I see what you meant.
As I happen to have an ex- ws myself, I just assumed that Sanity has disconnected from her to the point where it doesn't matter that much to him what she does/wants, thus he chose not to engage her further.
Re: Is Being Loved and Respected Most of the Time Unrealistic?
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Originally Posted by Anubis
Ah, I see what you meant.
As I happen to have an ex- ws myself, I just assumed that Sanity has disconnected from her to the point where it doesn't matter that much to him what she does/wants, thus he chose not to engage her further.
She obviously still has influence on Sanity, in that he came here to check his beliefs out against hers.
Fortuneatly we can get to a point where we just don't give a sh!te what their beliefs are wrt marriage.
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Is Being Loved and Respected Most of the Time Unrealistic? 
