confused and hurt

jmami0204 · 11-08-2007, 01:37 AM

i found some rather explicit emails my husband sent to another man. he denies anything happened and now wants to "work"on the marriage. i feel so disgusted and told im so. i dont know what to do. he has apologized , but i cant get over the fact he sent those emails to a guy. i dont know what to do.

draconis · 11-08-2007, 04:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jmami0204

i found some rather explicit emails my husband sent to another man. he denies anything happened and now wants to "work"on the marriage. i feel so disgusted and told im so. i dont know what to do. he has apologized , but i cant get over the fact he sent those emails to a guy. i dont know what to do.

Cheating is cheating period. Of course you are hurt. What do YOU want to do?

draconis

evenow · 11-08-2007, 08:15 AM

Can I ask how long you two have been together? Any kids? Have you two been intimate regularly? Do you love him and want to work this out?

If yes to the last: if he's flirting with men he may be interested in having sex with men. He might just be curious or he might be in the closet about his desires.

What's most important is you need him to talk to you about what happened. Tell him you can't work on the relationship with him lying. You need him to come clean about where he met this man, why he's been emailing him and what his intentions are about the future. If he can't then there is nothing you can do and he can go be on the down-low with someone else.

If he does finally admit to what you need to know ask if there's anything else (this may be the first time he's been caught!) and make sure you have an idea of what you want from him at this point in time. There are some great references on the board about building back trust. State what you want clearly and make sure he knows the consequences of breaking your trust again. And stick to them. You need to be consistent too that you aren't going to tolerate this.

jmami0204 · 11-08-2007, 04:14 PM

we have children and have been intimate regularly. he said he got curious a year ago. he has known this guy is whole life. I do love him, but i dont understand him becoming curious about the lifestyle and almost acting on it.
he says hes ashamed and is not sure what brought it on. at this point im not sure what i want to do. he says it was just a phase but can it really be just that.

Quote:

Originally Posted by evenow

Can I ask how long you two have been together? Any kids? Have you two been intimate regularly? Do you love him and want to work this out?

If yes to the last: if he's flirting with men he may be interested in having sex with men. He might just be curious or he might be in the closet about his desires.

What's most important is you need him to talk to you about what happened. Tell him you can't work on the relationship with him lying. You need him to come clean about where he met this man, why he's been emailing him and what his intentions are about the future. If he can't then there is nothing you can do and he can go be on the down-low with someone else.

If he does finally admit to what you need to know ask if there's anything else (this may be the first time he's been caught!) and make sure you have an idea of what you want from him at this point in time. There are some great references on the board about building back trust. State what you want clearly and make sure he knows the consequences of breaking your trust again. And stick to them. You need to be consistent too that you aren't going to tolerate this.

evenow · 11-08-2007, 09:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jmami0204

he says it was just a phase but can it really be just that.

My opinion? No.

Now it may be possible he just enjoys the attention. That would be completely different. But if he's interested in having sex with men, and you say he almost acted on it, that isn't something that is typically a phase.

It's possible he may be interested in some things typically seen as "gay". He might want to try something new in the bedroom. This all requires him to tell you what is going on. You can't fix a problem you don't know about.

Would counseling be an option? Maybe an outside opinion can help the two of you figure out his feelings. Has he given you any more information about why he was interested in a extramarital affair?

And please don't interpret this as me saying anything is your fault. You've expressed a desire to stay with him and I'm trying to look at it from that view. Bottom line: He messed up big time. You have to get him to talk with you about what he wants. What does he think "working" on the relationship means? Does he think you're going to do all the work? What is he bringing to the table?