General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Like any sort of phone call with their friends, gossip, exactly what they spent on the 19th hole, etc etc. He/she is your spouse not your mother or your priest.
Like any sort of phone call with their friends, gossip, exactly what they spent on the 19th hole, etc etc. He/she is your spouse not your mother or your priest.
To each their own.
None of that type of stuff is stuff I care to keep from my wife.
It seems pretty trivial but then again my wife doesn`t ***** at me about spending or gossip or really much at all.
I understand your point if coming from someone with an SO who was always up their ass about what they`re spending where they are and who they`re talking to.
But then the troubles are deeper than transparency.
Niether my mother nor my priest had any right to transparency from me.
My wife trumps all.
My friends and family certainly would NOT appreciate me sharing their emails with their personal issues in them. They are in my inbox - long, late night written emails about personal subjects - and it would be outrageous to me to simply hand those over to someone they did not confide in.
For example, one of my friends loves his alcoholic husband, but struggles. He does not share his travails of living with an alcoholic for 20 years to anyone but me and his sister. Not fair to just expose him like that to a third party without his permission.
It's not really a third party, it's your spouse. It's pretty commonly understood if you tell someone, their spouse is going to know. If you think permission is needed, then ask for it.
Any spouse of mine wouldn't find out something like that through reading my email. I can't imagine keeping that from my partner. I would want to share with them, because I would share everything. I would want their counsel to make sure that my counsel to my friend is good. Plus, talking about it with my spouse would help me process it.
For Carol and I there is no such thing as "personal privacy". In fact, we would both feel that any "privacy" we had was eating into what might have been intimacy instead.
Carol and I trust each other. Neither of us expends any effort worrying about some nefarious plot the other might be engaged in. It just doesn't come up. So that ends up meaning that we both have complete access to everything that is going on in both lives and, for the most part, neither of us cares about that access.
None of that type of stuff is stuff I care to keep from my wife.
It seems pretty trivial but then again my wife doesn`t ***** at me about spending or gossip or really much at all.
I understand your point if coming from someone with an SO who was always up their ass about what they`re spending where they are and who they`re talking to.
But then the troubles are deeper than transparency.
Niether my mother nor my priest had any right to transparency from me.
My wife trumps all.
Do you feel a need to footnote every single second of your life? I don't.
Do you feel a need to footnote every single second of your life? I don't.
No but transparency doesn`t demand anything from me.
I don`t have to "Footnote" anything.
I`ve never been questioned about pretty much anything unless she`s had a valid reason to do so.
My wife has never looked at the credit card bill and asked why I spent $50.00 on lunch last Tuesday.
She`s never required that I "Foot Note" anything.
That`s why I made an exception for those with SO`s that are like that.
I can see how that would get tiresome BUT those tiresome *****y spouses may very well be that way because they wonder why you`re keeping perfectly innocent info from them on a regular basis.
It's not really a third party, it's your spouse. It's pretty commonly understood if you tell someone, their spouse is going to know. If you think permission is needed, then ask for it.
Any spouse of mine wouldn't find out something like that through reading my email. I can't imagine keeping that from my partner. I would want to share with them, because I would share everything. I would want their counsel to make sure that my counsel to my friend is good. Plus, talking about it with my spouse would help me process it.
I just don't see it that way. He IS a third party to them. Otherwise, they would be talking with him about it.
It's none of his business if so-and-so is having sexual problems, another is having financial problems, and another is having vaginal itching issues. I do not share my friends' and family's personal issues - they confide in ME.
It's none of his business if so-and-so is having sexual problems, another is having financial problems, and another is having vaginal itching issues. I do not share my friends' and family's personal issues - they confide in ME.
Technically it's not your business either, but they share it with you anyway because some people need to tell their business to others.
I don't have any privacy. And like that girl, I don't care.
I just don't see it that way. He IS a third party to them. Otherwise, they would be talking with him about it.
It's none of his business if so-and-so is having sexual problems, another is having financial problems, and another is having vaginal itching issues. I do not share my friends' and family's personal issues - they confide in ME.
I never confide anything to a married person if I don`t want their spouse to know about it.
However, I`m a hard core private person and really confide nothing to anyone other than my wife anyway.
I just don't see it that way. He IS a third party to them. Otherwise, they would be talking with him about it.
It's none of his business if so-and-so is having sexual problems, another is having financial problems, and another is having vaginal itching issues. I do not share my friends' and family's personal issues - they confide in ME.
Personal space is necessary, but this sounds a little harsh. I wouldn't care about a spouse's friend's vaginal issues, but I would care that my spouse was so fierce about me not knowing.
I never confide anything to a married person if I don`t want their spouse to know about it.
However, I`m a hard core private person and really confide nothing to anyone other than my wife anyway.
Me too. On both counts.
My husband is the same way. Whatever is shared with us, stays within our relationship. We can't help what others tell us, and so we have shared info with each other that we've gotten from elsewhere. It goes no further than the two of us. Why would it?
It's not really a third party, it's your spouse. It's pretty commonly understood if you tell someone, their spouse is going to know. If you think permission is needed, then ask for it.
Any spouse of mine wouldn't find out something like that through reading my email. I can't imagine keeping that from my partner. I would want to share with them, because I would share everything. I would want their counsel to make sure that my counsel to my friend is good. Plus, talking about it with my spouse would help me process it.
We just had a conversation about this the other week. Wife was keeping "secrets" from me about personal stuff. I told her, if you really don't feel right about telling me, then tell your friends before they tell you "not to tell anyone" that you don't keep secrets from your husband. If they still have a problem with it, considering I am trustworthy and would never say anything to anyone, then don't get involved.
It's general code that if you tell someone something, they will tell their spouse.
As a spouse, there's no way to tell if someone's secret is a real secret or a dirty secret, so in my experience it's best not to play that game. Yeah I'm jaded because I got burned like that, but if you have this kind of openness before something happens, you probably won't ever need it.
No but transparency doesn`t demand anything from me.
I don`t have to "Footnote" anything.
I`ve never been questioned about pretty much anything unless she`s had a valid reason to do so.
My wife has never looked at the credit card bill and asked why I spent $50.00 on lunch last Tuesday.
She`s never required that I "Foot Note" anything.
That`s why I made an exception for those with SO`s that are like that.
I can see how that would get tiresome BUT those tiresome *****y spouses may very well be that way because they wonder why you`re keeping perfectly innocent info from them on a regular basis.
It's general code that if you tell someone something, they will tell their spouse.
In my opinion, everyone should assume this.
This is such a simply concept to me... Me & my husband are ONE... He shares any conversations he has had with me (if he finds them interesting enough -of course not ALL -how utterly boring!) .... and I do the same. I will even outright tell my GF's, that I share everything with my husband. They all know us both very well anyhow.
If you have a trustworthy spouse who is not a rumor mill, but keeps it ALL between just the 2 of you....this is very doable. But some are true "busy bodies" and they leek secrets, they might want to get involved, stir some trouble...... we don't do that...EVER. What is shared between us -about another stays with us & dies there, no seeds planted anywhere else.....that is OUR code.
The other night a GF poured her heart out to me, she made a big blunder with her BF (the 4 of us all friends & do things together).... she even asked me to talk to my husband about it & get his opinion, called me up the next morning & wanted to know how he felt!
This is how it is for Carol and I. We are two halves of a whole. The concept of "personal space" and "privacy" when it comes to her is a lot like saying the left half of my brain is keeping secrets from the right half. We both burble about our day as it occurs to us to do so.
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Re: the big deal about privacy! 
In my opinion, everyone should assume this. 
