General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
does it make you a bad person? I personally don't have any kids but I have some older friends who do and one particular friend warned me about having kids.
'they rob you of your life and your dreams. its nice when they're young but they grow up to be little monsters' he says. he said all this in a tongue-n-cheeck manner but I get the feeling he isn't joking. I know that nobody on here is going to admit to hating their own kids because its not a 'PC' thing to do, but I'm sure it happens all the time.
really worried about having kids. i don't want them. but my wife does..
I've never ONCE hated my kids... sure life is different when you have kids... but imo ... no they do not take away your life. One just has to learn to do things around and with them. I've been annoyed, frustrated, depressed, and overly anxious/worried when it came to my kids but dislike and hate never once crossed my mind. I do however know a few people whom have said they hate their kids as well... and the reasons they stated ... to me... seemed a tad selfish. When having kids your not a priority anymore... they are... and there are responsibilities that come with having kids, it's just a part of life and being an adult/parent. Having kids doesn't have to be a bad thing... but if your not quite ready you should let your wife know... and she should be able to respect how you feel as well.
'they rob you of your life and your dreams. its nice when they're young but they grow up to be little monsters'
That is utter bs thinking imo... they do make it a bit more difficult to achieve your ultimate goals but they do not rob you of it imo. As far as them being monsters.... naw... they can be pain in the butts but far from monsters... lol. This is just my viewpoint though.
does it make you a bad person? I personally don't have any kids but I have some older friends who do and one particular friend warned me about having kids.
'they rob you of your life and your dreams. its nice when they're young but they grow up to be little monsters' he says. he said all this in a tongue-n-cheeck manner but I get the feeling he isn't joking. I know that nobody on here is going to admit to hating their own kids because its not a 'PC' thing to do, but I'm sure it happens all the time.
really worried about having kids. i don't want them. but my wife does..
I don't hate my kids. But sometimes I resent them immensely. Having and raising kids is by far the hardest thing I've ever done. And people will say "Oh, well it's the most rewarding too", but sometimes...it's not.
But I love them. Oh when they are cute and funny and say things that have you in fits, it's the best and you well up in love in a way that you will never, ever feel for anyone else. Unfortunately, there's no way to bottle that feeling to get you through the times when they whine and complain and are totally ungrateful for everything. Which is a lot of the time.
I personally think an open dialogue on what it's really like to have kids is important. Because we do have an emphasis on the PC in this society and it can make people feel like failures for not living up to that rosy ideal.
No one who is not full 100% wanting kids should have them. I'd like to leave mine by the roadside sometimes, but I wanted them. Desperately (had some infertility issues in the beginning, then had a surprise #3!). So I know that if I DIDN'T have them, I'd be unhappy because I'd want kids.
i absolutely hate children. they annoy me to no end. traveling and acheiving goals is way more important to me than poppin out kids.
you should have discussed the whole kid thing before you got married. but since you didnt.. figure out if its a deal breaker for you or her. otherwise you're just wasting your time
you should have discussed the whole kid thing before you got married. but since you didnt.. figure out if its a deal breaker for you or her. otherwise you're just wasting your time
They don't rob you of anything, it's not their fault their parent's conceived them. There is nothing wrong for not wanting kids, but blaming them because you're (the general, no one in particular) too lazy to slap a condom on or forgetting to take your birth control is stupid. Take some personal responsibility for your OWN fault.
That said, I've never hated my kids, not even close, but there are times when I don't like them. More so I don't like their attitudes or what they're doing. I LOVE my children and don't ever wish they never existed.
ETA: I know birth control fails sometimes, but even then, you don't blame the child. YOU know every sexual encounter you have could produce potential offspring.
They can be challenging like when they needed spinal surgery and got misdiagnosed with 7 years of overflow incontinence like poop 20 times a day and endless surges of wetting followed by an hour or two of dribbling and thyroid disorder that make his cognitive processing slow....BUT...people have the kids they do because that is part of their journey in life. So maybe your friend is feeling frustrated and being honest about his feelings. This doesn't make him a bad person, it makes him human and he is likely to change at some point in the future because hating takes way too much energy. If his kids are older then feeling frustrated and not wanting to share too much space with them is natural...it's what leads you to cut those apron strings and give the kid the boot they need which is the ultimate confidence builder for a young person who needs to know they can survive in the world. It is natural. But you could ask what is up, it's probably one particular thing. For my older son, and he would hate me now for saying this, it was that he peed in a bottle and left it lying around, we had the whole great outdoors he could have got up and opened the front basement door and peed right there but he took the time to do it in a bottle and leave it there all day. Ugh. Then he complained that the chicken I bought was all natural but not organic. BOOT! We kind of laugh about that now. He texts me and we get together, we are good friends but down to like 4 visits a year because he is very busy with his responsible adult life, work and Army National Guard and college and his long-term girlfriend and his environmental policy volunteer/activism stuff he does. But yep, getting fed up with kids as they approach 18 is totally natural. My friend went through the same thing with her daughter, years before me, and didn't cut apron strings and her daughter needed her for a lot longer...can we say codependent....yet today they get along fine, my friend now has a grandson and the daughter has moved to be a bit closer to her mom. I really think it's a stage, just like people get fed up with some of the toilet training habits of our little friends who have their own ideas about how to go about it, or refuse to wear jeans or want their socks to be a certain way (no lines across the toes!!!) or the shirts have to be stripes and the food better not touch the other food and so forth. We can work out our issues with our kids and it's easier to understand our adult friends as big kids. It is a growth thing. My kids were surprised when I told them not everyone has kids, kids are special, and it is a sort of special thing to be a parent, some people want to be parents and cannot be, whether because they value economics and financial security more, but I think it is a great big adventure. It has definitely made me a better person. Not only do you get your kids, but you get your kids' friends in your life too. It's funny, my older son had a friend who is now a classmate of mine!
I was neglected and abused when I was a kid, but there were plenty of people in my town who loved me. So having a parent who fails by abandonment (left marriage and home, including me - mother) or suicide (father) isn't the end of the world. Every kid will find a person or multiple adults who make a difference in their lives. In some societies people have more than one set of parents, that is they have spiritual parents. So I wouldn't necessarily worry too much about your friends' kids. They will find what they need elsewhere, and it will be okay. Not all parents are fit. But not all of them are neglectful. Sure the kids will need therapy, but I know plenty of kids who were loved and they couldn't cope with the world! So it works both ways.
They do not rob you of your life. You can have a life and have children. I find that mine add to my life in ways I never thought they would. My kids drive me nuts sometimes but because of them my life is better, fuller, more meaningful, and more.
Having a practical mindset about kids is better then listening to people who want to blame their children for the choice they made to have them. I would take a guess that this friend of yours is selfish and/or not mentioning the wonderful feelings, moment, and life they actually get to have too because of their children.
I think you need to talk to your wife and be practical about it. Honestly life does not end at kids. I hear that having kids is worth it to get the grand kids, or so my parents tell me
I have never hated my kids. They frustrate the piss out of me at times, I have two that are 20 months apart (bad planning on my part) and sometimes money is tight due to unforseen expenses (a broken bone, dentist visit, endless school and activities) but do they rob me of my dreams? NO! One of my dreams was to have a family and be a mother. My husband a father. If that is not your dream, you need to be frank and divorce your wife NOW! Or you will give in to something you do not want, not be there for the kids you contribute to, and then she will resent you for not helping her, because it's hard to do it alone (ask any single mother or father). Children are a fulltime job on top of your regular work, and they require love and attention far beyond your wildest dreams! But they are a joy with their laughs and their hugs, and watching them grow, and watching them learn and achieve their own dreams. That for my husband and I is a daily dream come true. Do we sacrifice some things we wanted in life sometimes, yes. We watch single friends go on cruises, and such while we do the "family" trips to Disney or camping.... oi.... yes definitely should have had this discussion before you got married.
Absolutely love my kids! They are truly the wind beneath my wings. They are responsible, clean, respectable, intelligent, and attract a like class of friends.
Conversely, STBXW's kids were problem children, school dropouts, refused to clean up after themselves, disrespectful of others and their property, associated with the drug and tattoo culture, refused to do work and fully expected to be financially provided for. I had absolutely no respect for them, much the same that they had for me. I really feel that they were the ultimate wedge in splitting me and STBXW up. I disliked them intently, but I can't say that I hated them!
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Hating Your Kids 
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