Munson

Hello All,

My girlfriend and I have been living together for five months in my condo (dating 3.5 years) . The condo is pretty big for just the two of us, it has a master bedroom and two smaller bedrooms. I have taken one of the extra rooms and made it my office/workout/storage room. She has claimed the other room as hers. Fair is fair.

Now she wants to bring her bed from her parents house over and put it in the extra room, not as a guest bed, but for her use. There are so many reasons why she wants to, that I can't go into them in great detail but:

-We fight a lot and I end up sleeping on the couch downstairs so she said this would let me sleep in my bed and she can sleep in hers.
- I go to bed at 10 for work and she doesn't. I tell her to go down stairs but she says she is scared of being downstairs alone at night and is more comftorable laying in a bed then sitting on a couch.
- She doesn't like my bed, she says it is uncomftorable to her.

My problem with her bringing her bed over is that our relationship is strained enough. How is it going to help if she has her own bedroom to run and hide in when ever she gets mad. I think it will create even more distants between us. I want to be in a relationship, not have a roommate.

She says I am being stuborn and that it will help us not fight as much as she can just go to her own bed and I can go to mine. Am I being stubborn, should she move her bed in to give the two of us space? I am affraid that instead of it being a once in a while thing, it will become an every day thing since it is there and available to her.

A Bit Much

Why are you fighting so much? I'd be more worried about that than sleeping arrangements. That's just geography. Doesn't solve a thing.

SlowlyGettingWiser

That won't stop you two from fighting, it will just make it easier to avoid discussion and confrontation.Why do you fight so much? Is anything ever resolved from these fights? Does anything ever change? Why are YOU sleeping on the couch in your own home? If she's 'scared' to sleep downstairs alone, then maybe she should stop fighting so much.That is what you're going to have.

After 3.5yrs, you two still fight frequently. WHY? Are there enough POSITIVES in this relationship to work on it in couples counseling, or are you two just drifting along in a so-so/cr*ppy relationship because it's the path of least resistance?

Enginerd

HUGE RED FLAG. The seperate bed thing usually happens after 20 years of marriage and even then it's not good for a relationship. She can argue about her reasons all she wants, but clearly she's seeking seperation from you and that's never a good thing. If you're arguing all the time you probably already know the underlying reasons.

These days there's a ton of couples living together for financial reasons who are not really in love. It appears most of them are tolerating each other and secretly wishing they were with someone else. Its probably a good idea to honestly evaluate why she wants to live with you.

Peace

tacoma

Seperation sleeping arrangements is the death knell of a relationship

Don't allow this
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unbelievable

Let her put her separate bed in a separate room in a separate apartment in a separate town.

Gaia

Just a suggestion but perhaps counseling( for couples and individual), a look at the five languages of love book and quiz, and lovepong.com could be worth a try. The constant fighting isn't a good thing so perhaps you two could try these things to help determine if staying together is a good idea or not? If she is uncomfortable with confrontation right now it would be a good idea to allow her this seperate bed. It sounds like she's developing or has had an anxiety disorder and to force her to do something she is uncomfortable with is never a good thing and will just bring about resentment.

that_girl

You fight a lot.

Why are you together?

__________________

unbelievable

She's afraid to go downstairs? Do you have to check her closet for monsters, too?

Entropy3000

Work on the root cause of your other issues.

I am one that thinks that sleeping in the same bed is critical for intimacy. Some folks are forced to do this due to medical reasons.

Get a new bed you both like. Do not stop sleeping together unless you are giving up on the relationship.

__________________
My marriage to my wife Donna is a love story. -- Jim

Take My Breath Away

kindi

All that matters is she wants to move out.

There are problems here and it sounds from your limited post that she wants out. Whether it's temporary or permanent remains to be seen but this isn't about her "moving a bed" and your lack of comprehension about this is rather troubling.

CandieGirl

Separate beds? Sounds like my parents. But they're in their 60's. And I still think it's ridiculous.

eowyn

Definitely getting another bed will make this worse. Avoiding a problem is far from solving it. To address the three reasons you (rather she) puts forth for getting a separate bed, there could be constructive solutions such as...

Don't tell her to go downstairs. Use an eye mask instead. Get good headphones for her if she wants to listen to something on the laptop etc.

Get a new bed for the both of you that she and you both would like and that would be comfortable for her and you. Propose to go out for shopping this weekend. Tell her that a 'bed that you cannot share with her' is not comfortable for you as well

How many times does this happen? Looks like as a couple you have the attitude of avoiding issues rather than fixing them. That is not healthy. Getting separate beds is not going to fix anything. It will make it worse, you will basically be degrading your relationship to being 'roommates'. Try to fix the issues you have so that you don't need to sleep on the couch lot of times.

MrK

It is the beginning of the end. She knows it but is not telling you. That's how many women operate. She's getting her ducks in a row for the big move out. Start preparing now. It IS going to happen.

She's just not that into you any more. That's the argument for living together. You try each other out. It didn't work out for you guys. Time to move on.

Gaia

Have you two always been fighting? and I don't think it's necessarily the beginning of the end... like i said it could be some sort of anxiety issue... Perhaps she needs to see a psychiatrist... especially if she's afraid to go downstairs? Of course it could all be just a farce but don't discount that it could be a very real mental issue as well.