jaquen

My wife and I don't have any children yet. We very much want them (naturally and adopting), so we have discussions about our ideas and desires when it comes to parenting.

One thing we both firmly agree on is that we want our marriage to remain the central focus of our family life. We see children as an extension of our marriage, and that one of the best gifts we can ever give our future children is a healthy portrait of an alive, vibrant marriage with two people in love, committed, and crazy about one another. I believe that will help set a standard for their own romantic choices down the line, and hopefully make them feel more secure in the family.

Now I know that many people believe that children automatically become your top familial priority the moment they arrive. At this point, only looking at this hypothetically, we don't find any merit in having our marriage take a backseat to children. Does anyone else, namely parents, subscribe to the idea of your marriage coming first in your family? If so, can you share some thoughts?

Thank you.

Entropy3000

I think this is wise. It is uncommon though. I think most marriages make the mistake of putting the children always first. I get that but learned that it is ultimately better to be an example to the children of a loving couple. This does not mean the kids go without. It means there is a balance but that the marriage is what is important as the foundation of the family.

__________________
My marriage to my wife Donna is a love story. -- Jim

Take My Breath Away

Gaia

It used to be kids first when we were first time parents... but now it's more of a 50/50 thing... which works better imo.

Pandakiss

I think when they are little babies sure. When they walk and talk, nah...marriage comes first.

Kids will love you unconditional your spouse not always a given. Kids move out, get married, have kids of their own. Your spouse will be the one standing next to you when the kids grow up.

When you start to have health problems, your kids have their life to lead, they can't sit in the hospital with you day and night. You spouse is the one who will hold your hand, and care for you.

My kids are my kids, my husband is my best friend, the holder of my hair, the tummy rubber. My husband is my emotional support, spiritual support, mental support, and my cruch when I need it. Same for him.

__________________
yami ni madoishi awarena kage yo
hito o kizutsuke otoshimete
ts umi ni oboreshi go no tama
i ppen shinde miru?

unbelievable

The marriage is the foundation, I believe. If that's strong, the kids have a great base to start from. Kids can command a whole lot of time and attention. It's easy to put your spouse on the back burner, but it's a huge mistake to do so.

Accipiter777

I agree with unbelievable , Marriage.

Conrad

I would love to "like" this post.

Yet, I felt it necessary to explain because I do not "like" that it is uncommon.

I especially don't like the fact that I've been involved in 2 marriages where "kids came first"

And, this doesn't mean raising them to be responsible productive adults "came first".

This meant their preferences, opinions, and "keeping them happy" came first.

If you want to have a strong marriage, do not do this.

WadeWilson

Excluding things like health, education, and raising them to be productive members of society...
The Marriage comes first...
All the other things stop when we have a problem, trips, treats, even at times holidays are on pause until we work out our issues...
Besides, a trip to the beach is not fun when mommy and daddy are disappointed with each other...

__________________
Your Argument Is Invalid....
....That's Why.

River1977

My thought is that having children is going to test your theories and ideas to the max. It will take patience and understanding you didn't know you had and just might find out you don't have or are not willing. Almost every married couple were once you and your wife - building the relationship, establishing intentions and common goals, and sharing dreams, hopes, and ideals. Yet, look at the rate of divorce in this country. So few remember these days, too few have the mental fortitude and tenacity, and fewer still keep their promises. You are just like everyone else and very vulnerable. You have to go through all the same things those divorced people tried to endure but failed. You are not special. Your wife is not special. Your love and marriage are not special or one of a kind. Don't fool yourselves into thinking otherwise because thinking that and feeling all in love are not going to help you later down the line. You will find that they simply are not enough. For your marriage to survive it will take a lot of work and willingness to do whatever it takes. And as a man, just in case you need to be informed, "the marriage comes first" doesn't mean you get all the sex you want. You're being spoiled right now, but life, kids, jobs, hormones, resentments, etc. are going to burst your bubble at times and maybe long lengths of time. How will you handle that? And exactly what will "the marriage comes first" mean to you then, when it's real married life you're living and no longer the honeymoon before life begins?

jaquen

I'd rather never have children if it ultimately costs me my wife.

This is a nice little attempt to "shock" me into a bitter reality, but you're a bit late. I've been in love with her for 14 years, and we've been together for 12. We've seen our share of highs, and lows, and still stand here, in love, and enraptured with one another. Marriage has only served to strengthen an already long, and powerful, love affair.

So when does this decline start, exactly? When does my wife cease to amaze me? When do I start to no longer consider her the best thing that's ever happen to me? When will this seemingly unabating feeling of being totally in love with her, a feeling that has only increase with time, begin to dry up? When is she no longer, as you suggest, "special"? The 15th year? The 22nd? The 36th? When can I expect this massive disillusionment to settle in?

River1977

That was a nice little smart alec (and ungrateful, I might add) attempt to prove me wrong as though I can't possibly know what I'm talking about. But I have the statitistics I alluded to to prove my point quite well, thank you very much. I also have, as a reminder to you since you clearly have forgotten, that this is your topic of discussion, and your topic of discussion was about your principle of marriage after having children. Marriage after having children is the topic I addressed. Therefore, being informed of how long you have been married without children is not anything that proves me wrong, nor does it change my original response. But hey, I humbly and most earnestly apologize for responding at all and will never enter your nice little misguided thread again.

Edited to add and point out that I said nothing like your wife is not special TO YOU. Learn reading comprehension before you make yourself look the fool trying to tell somebody off over something they never stated.

that_girl

My kids' needs are met. Mommy and Daddy (us) spend our time with them the hour before bed. I just played a MEAN game of LIFE with my older daughter and Hubs read the baby some books...then we switched.

Now we're spending time together, gaming and talkin' and cleaning up and packing for our trip tomorrow.

It's a balance. One doesn't come before the other. BOTH are prioritized...children and marriage. And everyone is usually happy

Although, we have been known to go lock the door and get busy while the kids watch TV and we don't even stop when the 3 year old knocks We're quick and quiet when we have to be

And tomorrow is a weekend away! I don't feel like i've lost my husband just because we have kids.

__________________

jaquen

No, actually I wouldn't have the gall to sit up and make assumptions about you, and your marriage, without even a remote shred of evidence to base it off. Because I don't know you, and I give you the basic courtesy that my ignorance is a barrier to me making an comments about your life. It was you who assumed you were talking to some naive child, fresh on the relationship boat, who's not suffered, hasn't dealt with real lows, trouble, and problems, and is still skipping through some kind of honeymoon haze, where "real married life" hasn't kicked in.

That's wonderful for you. I am well aware of all the statistics though. I also have a few of my own. Both of us come from marriages that survived, and in my case truly ended when with death did they part. I watched my mother mourn for my father, the man she was in love with for 40 years, for the five years between his passing and her own, all too soon.

But wait, nevermind, neither of my parents are dead. I'm just some young, dumb kid for whom life hasn't even begun! Thank God for butterflies and sunshiny honeymoons!

Your presumptuous, bitter post had absolutely nothing to do with the question I asked, save remind me that perhaps we are right, if that is what you did, and this is the end result of putting your kids first.

tacoma

You are far wiser than the vast majority of people.

My marriage comes before my children.

My marital problems all stem from my wife`s refusal to get on the same page with me.

tacoma

I must have missed that in your post.

I don`t see where you directly dealt with the actual OP at all.