General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
If you are a chronic cheater, and seem to accept that as part of who you are, and thus won't be changing it, why are you married? It just seems that being unattached from marriage would make your lifestyle choices a lot less complicated.
And same on you for using the loaded term "bastard" in reference to this man's children. I am well aware of the "technical" definition of the word, but it is loaded, as well all know, and has such a vile, ugly connotation. I mean really, totally unnecessary and flat out cruel.
Cruel is being a chrontuc cheater and raising kids in such an environment. Teaching them the twisted idea that cheating betrayal and lies are normal and ok. That in fact is abusive of innocent children,
I am thinking however that this poster is just a troll looking fir attention. Posted via Mobile Device
Cruel is being a chrontuc cheater and raising kids in such an environment. Teaching them the twisted idea that cheating betrayal and lies are normal and ok. That in fact is abusive of innocent children,
That I do agree with, totally.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shaggy
I am thinking however that this poster is just a troll looking fir attention. Posted via Mobile Device
I am thinking however that this poster is just a troll looking fir attention. Posted via Mobile Device
I think it is very unfair to call someone a troll. The OP is looking for advice. If you don't believe his story is true than don't post. There is no need to tag his thread as a "troll" thread. All you are doing is shutting down the discussion and distracting from his thread.
I had to deal with this in my first thread where people like you constantly accused me of being a troll. I am in no way shape or form a troll and was writing about a traumatic incident. Being accused of trolling is totally unfair especially when there is no merit to the charges. The only reason you are accusing him of being a troll is because he does not seem to be a person of high character.
People come to a forum for advice or help. Either give them that or don't reply. I understand that the OP is probably not a good guy if he has admitted to cheating constantly. But that doesn't make him a troll.
While I agree with the rest of your post this statement is a myth.
People cheat in good relationships all the time.
They become "poor" after the fact when they attempt to justify their infidelity.
That was my bias talking. You are right. When I personally cheated my marriage was in awful shape. I think it depends from person to person. I am sure there are people who do cheat in perfectly good relationships. I think there are differences between serial cheaters and people who cheat once. A serial cheater is probably more likely to cheat irrespective of relationship quality.
WhoHaveIBecome: Thank you for being understanding. I am working on treating my wife better. I realize I haven't been the best husband but I am trying to do better. I try to treat everyone the same and I don't think it is right to treat my wife as superior to my girlfriend. We are all people and all equal.
Shaggy: I won't dignify your comment with a response.
Jaquen: To answer your question, it is because I love my wife and I have already made a life-long promise to her. If I was to go back in time I may not marry. But I already am married. I would be with my wife even if I wasn't married and being married was important to her so I agreed. It was a compromise. I am faithful to my girlfriend and wife have no desire for anyone else. I think this unconventional relationship works for us and for us is better than a traditional marriage. I have not cheated since we agreed to this arrangement. I like being a father and I have children so it would be difficult to be "unattached" at this point. Thank you for standing up to "Shaggy". I think his words have been hurtful. It is one thing to criticize me but my children are innocent.
Eowyn: I was supportive of her during her health issues. I took a greater role with out children and I supported her with all of the challenges we faced. Having sexual contact with someone else doesn't mean I was not supportive. I did not plan for any of what happened to happen. It just did and I am trying to respond to it in the best way possible. I know I have not been the best husband. Hopefully if I put in the work and effort I can become a better husband! I am trying to do better.
Jaquen: If I was to go back in time I may not marry. But I already am married. I would be with my wife even if I wasn't married and being married was important to her so I agreed. It was a compromise.
This adds an extra layer of understanding to this entire situation.
So basically marriage was never really your "thing", but you fell in love with your wife, and in order to be with her marriage was the "compromise" that you agreed to? Is that correct?
If so your chronic infidelity makes more sense if you classify the marriage, and the ensuing expectation of monogamy, to be matters exclusively important to her.
Does your wife realize that you view getting married in this light? If she does, it would explain her unusually high tolerance for all your betrayal.
Also, would you mind honestly if she found another man on the side, or wanted to bring another man into your polymorous relaitonship?
And you're welcome about the kids. I was truly taken aback by that archaic, ugly language in reference to innocent children.
That was my bias talking. You are right. When I personally cheated my marriage was in awful shape. I think it depends from person to person. I am sure there are people who do cheat in perfectly good relationships. I think there are differences between serial cheaters and people who cheat once. A serial cheater is probably more likely to cheat irrespective of relationship quality.
I am glad to see that you at least try to think of all parties in your triangle relationship. However, knowing one polyamorous couple (where both parties have other relationships outside the marriage), I would say the ABSOLUTE KEY in making that work is to openly discuss all the feelings involved — even more so than in a conventional marriage — and be very quick to react to any discomfort the other party might be feeling.
In my friends relationship, the marriage and nuclear family (they also have one child) ALWAYS comes first.
They date other people but not at the expense of the primary relationship. When they have problems in their own relationship, as everyone does, they don't run to the boy/girlfriend to escape them, but deal with them on the spot with each other. The stability and growth of the primary relationship is much more important then the development of the secondary ones.
In your situation, seems like your wife was left playing second fiddle for a long time. This is bound to have made her resentful.
Your wife should be your FIRST choice and primary concern in everything. You should make sure your wife knows this, every day. You should make sure your girlfriend knows this too. In my opinion you should work on making this clear for all parties (including yourself).
I respect you for taking care of all your children equally and this should remain the case. However, treating your women equally obviously does not fly with your wife. So make her number one or prepare to lose her. Since she wasn't exactly eager to have your family set up this way in the first place, I would see that as the only way to make it last.
Nova, are you still in love with the gf? Are you still in love with the wife? Which one do you love more? I sake this because after reading many article about those who develop "feelings' during an affair (and give your situation is unique because initially your wife gave you permission...I think you need to dig deep.your wife is nothappy, I think you need to come p with a better solution then your current one, separate the two of them so you don't have them both in the same house. Figure which relationship is most important and docs solely on that one. Still be there for your kids, and although I personally don't think getting back with the gf and knocking her up was right, I would never call the children names, and I think others should seriously consider what they say. That being said...I kept thinking about your story and a friend I know in a similar situation....and what advice I should really tell you. If you want to make your wife happy you need to rebuild your relationship with JUST her. Posted via Mobile Device
It amazes me that these people never think about long term consequences it's always about instant gratification. Do you think this situation will hold up for 5, 20, 50 years? Can you really see sitting in a rocking chair with both of these women? What about the kids? When they are school age are all 3 of you going to parent-teacher conferences, school plays, football games?
Seriously?
You're short sighted, selfish, devoid of a fuctioning moral compass. Your kids legitimate and illegitimate (PC enough for you?) will suffer because of you. Your in laws are right, you are any father of a daughters nightmare. I truly hope you get what you deserve.
I thought marriage was something that should stay strong in "sickness and in health"?? When your wife fell sick you actually fought with her over loss of intimacy, instead of being a supportive husband..... to the point that she had to give you such a 'provision' within a span of few months!!
Totally!!!
It sickens me to read/hear stories like the OP.
How could his wife be okay with that for a while and how could he accept that??!!!!
If my husband let me see someone else I would be offended and probably would end thing with him first before seeing someone. It would only show my husband didn't care much about me!!!
I'm shocked that TAM which is pro marriage is being so kind and accepting of a serial cheater who stabbed his wife in the back, humiliated her by moving the OW into the house,etc.
Seriously folks, what this guy asserts as a big happy lifestyle is nothing but. A cheater having his ultimate cake eating experience.
What he is doing is illegal in the US, he is practicing polygamy. He just hasn't got the paper for the second wife. There is a reason why polygamy is illegal and it isn't a conspiracy of haters. It's because it is abusive to the women and very abusive to the children.
This guy is a marriage cert away from jail, Posted via Mobile Device
It sickens me to read/hear stories like the OP.
How could his wife be okay with that for a while and how could he accept that??!!!!
If my husband let me see someone else I would be offended and probably would end thing with him first before seeing someone. It would only show my husband didn't care much about me!!!
Yes, maybe its reading between the lines.. but I just don't see how a woman with two kids can give this "provision" to a husband just like that. I have no doubt that the poor lady was forced into it with constant fights over loss of intimacy when she was in fact sick and needed support. I cannot imagine her journey with OP thus far. Seriously, she deserves someone better than OP.
What beats me is that looking at the initial post OP seems to be proud of what he has done (probably a success story of some sorts) by saying that
Quote:
he wishes to help some people who are considering a poly-lifestyle and answer some questions about everything related to it
. Really??? The only advice he should be giving people is that "ITS A BAD IDEA AND ABSOLUTELY UNFAIR TO THE WIFE & CHILDREN!"
You stole the future from your wife through you lies. She made an emotional sacrafice for you do you could get your rocks off and you five times stabbed herinthe back for her sacrafice,
You are the poster child for someone who caisson to be a continue victor of circumstance, but don't see that each step of this was caused by you being completely selfish.
You didn't just get sex, you got a girlfriend. You moved her into your wife's home. You lied and kept sleeping and cheating with the gf. You knocked up the gf. You forced your wife to allow your gf and bastard child to live in your wife's home with her children.
Oh, and you are giving away your families money to help support your gf and bastard child.
Over all, this isn't a judgement of poly or not. My judgement is that you are slimy, you are selfish, you lied to your wife after she was incredibly sacrificing for you.
I hope she get wise and sues both you and your gf and takes every cent you have now and have in the future. I hope she takes the money and finds a safe place to raise her children outside of your influence so they don't grow up horrible and selfish like you live today. Posted via Mobile Device
Yet you won't even dignify Shaggy with a response? You make me laugh. Not because you are funny. But because I can't believe how, well, I won't say it. But you my friend are an, well, I won't say that either. I will now go pray for your wife.
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Really??? The only advice he should be giving people is that "ITS A BAD IDEA AND ABSOLUTELY UNFAIR TO THE WIFE & CHILDREN!"
