General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I've been married to my wife for almost six years. She is an amazing woman that I am thankful for everyday. We have a 4 y.o. daughter together and a 2.5 y.o. son. I am 34 and my wife is 32. Our marriage was fairly normal and over-all happy until about two years ago.
My wife became sick and her illness took a toll on all of us. Her illness wasn't terminal but it did have some side effects. Her sex drive plummeted as a result of some of the medication that she was on. We ended up fighting over this loss of intimacy constantly for a few months. Eventually my wife proposed if I wanted I could have a Friends with benefit type relationship until she felt better. This was a generous offer from my wife and after a few weeks I ended up meeting a young woman and we hit it off.
We ended up kind of dating and hooking up a lot. It was a lot of fun but I started to fall for her. My girlfriend started to want something more serious after a few months and we started to have more of a relationship. This wasn't what my wife intended when she allowed me to step out of our mariage.
After about 5 months of going out my girlfriend's lease was up and I offered to let her rent a room at our house. We have a fairly large home and we were spending a lot of time together as it was. My wife was apprehensive about this but agreed as it was supposed to be short term. My girlfriend was a lot of help around the home and she became close to our kids. My wife and girlfriend eventually became friends of sorts but there has always been some tension.
Two months after my girlfriend moved in my wife's health issues began to get better. She wanted me to stop seeing my girlfriend as her drive had returned and she was feeling better. I told her I would. My girlfriend had become a part of our family and we didn't want to throw her out so she stayed at our home even after our relationship was to be over.
This is where I made a horrible mistake and treated my wife in a way that she didn't deserve. I ended up still occasionally sleeping with my girlfriend. It was so difficult with our attraction still being there and her being so close. We kept up this charade for a few weeks. In March of last year she found out she was pregnant. This was not something that was planned and it was an accident. She decided that she did not want to have an abortion. I couldn't in good faith ask her to have an abortion and I didn't. She considered it for some time out of respect to my wife but decided she couldn't. We came clean to my wife about the pregnancy and my wife responded horribly. She called me all sorts of names and told me to leave our home.
I begged her for forgiveness and told her we could make this work in our own way. I have always had an issue with being faithful and its something that has plagued my relationships. My wife knows this and has forgiven me in the past for transgressions. After we talked about if for several days she agreed that my girlfriend could stay at our home. We ended up deciding to try out a polyamorous relationship. We agreed on several ground-rules. I was not allowed to sleep with anyone outside of my wife or girlfriend. My wife agreed to not sleep with anyone else. My girlfriend agreed to not sleep with any other men (she is bi-sexual).
We've been living together since then in this fashion. My girlfriend had our twins in November. The babies are now six months old. We have had our ups and downs but we seem to get along well enough. My wife and girlfriend are a great team for raising the kids and we have a good routine. I run my own business and I'm the single income for our home. We do fine financially which has been a relief but my hours have been heavier as of late which has led to some to some fights.
We've had issues with jealousy from my wife towards my girlfriend. My wife has been pushing for us to try for another baby which has been a bit of a stressor. We've also had to deal with some family issues. My wife's family thinks I am the worst husband ever and are not supportive of our lifestyle. And four kids under 4 can be a challenge. I feel like sometimes my wife is resentful of me and that has been an underlying issue in our marriage. She didn't want this and even though we are happy in general she isn't as gung-ho about this as the rest of us.
I hope I can help some people who are considering a poly-lifestyle and answer some questions about everything related to it. There is a lot of misconceptions. I'm also hoping that I can find some solutions to the disputes we have in our marriage and relationships.
Sounds to me like your wife is just going along with it because she's afraid if she forces you to choose you won't choose her. You lied to her, you didn't like to the gf.
I think you should talk to your wife and see which of her needs aren't being met. You now have a responsibility to two women, so you all need to discuss not just boundaries but also what needs you expect the others to meet. It's possible, but honesty and maturity are important in this volatile dynamic.
People on this board go ape **** over common sexual fantasies, blow jobs, and anal pleasure. I can't imagine a lot of the people here are going to be able to remotely process what you're talking about here, especially the high amount of people who are dealing with the deep scars of infidelity.
I personally can't relate too much. However I did, at the age of 18, get into a dysfunctional situation where I ended up falling for a married woman, eventually lived with my 24 year old girlfriend (who was pregnant with my child before she lost her), her estranged husband, and their five kids. Yes, five young children. It was the lowest, most insane point in my entire life, and extremely out of line with my morality. Everything inside of me was uncomfortable with encroaching on a bad marriage, and that living situation imploded after about three months, so I can't even fathom being in your girlfriend's position and encroaching on a marriage where the man claims to still love his wife.
From what I do know about this type of relationship, it doesn't sound like you're in a healthy one. Multiple party relationships are built on the notion that all parties desire to be involved, believe inherently in the strength of the identity of the group as a singular "relationship", and consider this to be the supreme choice for this set of people. This situation sounds like it's worked out best for you, your girlfriend, and your wife, who is basically a doormat, has allowed you to disrespect her, your marriage, and your home, all up, down, and over the place. This might not be the case, but that is my impression based off the details given. Your wife does not sound like her first, and primary, choice is to be involved in this kind of group relationship. Sounds like you guys have a long habit of her giving you whatever you want, you getting your way, and her finding a way to deal with it. Matters are of course complicated by the fact that she seems to like, on some level, this woman. But I am not seeing your wife's needs and desires, deep down, being reflected very strongly in your post. Sounds like your needs, your desires, and your wife finding ways to cope and deal with your endless stream of infidelities, and it's consequences.
I think there might be other message boards which will give you firmer advice dealing with the issues inherent to a polyamorous relationship.
Totally agree with the above and yes your wife does resent you. You were supposed to have broken it off with gf and nested didn't wrap it and knocked her up Posted via Mobile Device
You stole the future from your wife through you lies. She made an emotional sacrafice for you do you could get your rocks off and you five times stabbed herinthe back for her sacrafice,
You are the poster child for someone who caisson to be a continue victor of circumstance, but don't see that each step of this was caused by you being completely selfish.
You didn't just get sex, you got a girlfriend. You moved her into your wife's home. You lied and kept sleeping and cheating with the gf. You knocked up the gf. You forced your wife to allow your gf and bastard child to live in your wife's home with her children.
Oh, and you are giving away your families money to help support your gf and bastard child.
Over all, this isn't a judgement of poly or not. My judgement is that you are slimy, you are selfish, you lied to your wife after she was incredibly sacrificing for you.
I hope she get wise and sues both you and your gf and takes every cent you have now and have in the future. I hope she takes the money and finds a safe place to raise her children outside of your influence so they don't grow up horrible and selfish like you live today. Posted via Mobile Device
I'd be resentful too, but then again I wouldn't ask my husband to take a concubine in the first place.
(As a side note, I know the term 'concubine' has a negative connotation, but it simply means a woman who cohabitants with a man and lives like a wife, but does not carry the same rights legally.)
However, it's too late to change the past. It does sound like she's trying to compete with your new woman by trying to have a baby with you as well. This happens all over the world in polygamist societies and I hate to break it to you but you're in for a wild ride. The competitiveness will probably never stop and neither will the jealousness. I'd try to get into some poly-friendly counseling. You'd have to ask some local poly people to probably find a good one (or even find one at all depending on where you live).
Oh, and take it from a lady who has considered going into the polygamist lifestyle, she probably feels sub-par to this new woman. I know that when my husband considered dating again he IMMEDIATELY went for all the 18-20 year olds. That's when I pulled the plug. So if she's younger than her, especially MUCH younger, she probably feels ugly, old, and like used goods. Please do pay extra care to her. She's in such a delicate state. Take her out, do things just for her that make her feel loved once in a while, and always remember that she is your first. She also feels very betrayed because you said you'd break it off and you didn't. You lied to her out right. She might not ever get over that so just be prepared. Things will defiantly never be where they where before.
Enjoy the moment, because once you star paying child support(oh yes you will) for both parties you'll be regretting every minute of your life. Posted via Mobile Device
Tell you wife that you cant do that because you have responsibility of two women and it would not be easy for you to handle the issues more..If she loves you, she will understand your problem..
I thought I should take time and respond to people that took time to read and respond to my thread.
Peachy Cat: I think our family is important to my wife and me. I'm sure she agreed to some things because she wants to do what is best for our kids. I think our love is special and it can overcome a lot of challenges. I'm definitely not a person that is capable of being monogamous for better or worse. I've had multiple affairs in the past. At least with this arrangement everyone is faithful.
Moxy: Thanks for the advice. I do think honesty is a good policy and one I strive for. I'm working on getting better at it.
Jaquen: I think our relationship is a work in process. Its not something we planned on doing which puts us at a disadvantage. A lot of the other poly relationships I've seen are well-planned. Ours happened organically. I think what we are doing is the best for me, my wife, girlfriend, and my kids.
Livelaughlovenow: It was a mistake on my behalf, yes. Its a pretty complicated situation and its hard to turn off feelings instantly. Add in that we were living together and it became almost inevitable that something would happen. It was a mistake but we are trying to the best now. I always try to have an optimistic state of mind!
Shaggy: I think you are not being understanding. I take offense at you calling my twins "bastards". They are innocent babies. My girlfriend and kids are part of our family. I have to protect them and take care of them. Doing that is not stealing from anyone. My wife has not expressed any desire to leave me and we are trying to have another child.
BlindSide: My girlfriend is in her early 20s so she isn't "much younger". I always try to do the best for my wife and I will pay extra care to her like you recommended. I will look into counseling but we don't live in a large metropolis so it may be hard to find counseling that fits for us. I've apologized to my wife for lying to her but I am trying to look to the future and behave honestly from now on.
ThatGirl: Thank you the wish of good luck. I knew my girlfriend as a friend before we started to see each other romantically so that is why it didn't take that long.
Keko: I'm going to try to make my relationships work so to avoid that. I think being at home with parents is better than separate with support. I think both women in my life agree with this.
Davi: My wife does have high expectations and I sometimes struggle to meet them. It is tough. There is only so much time in a day. I think I am doing good all things considered. Our family is very comfortable as a result of my hard work and they are my priority. I do sometimes wish my wife was more appreciative of that but no one is perfect.
I am conflicted on this. It does seem like you are doing right by your kids. I think the language some people used about the OP's children were shameful. All children are worthy of love. I want to applaud you for taking care of your children.
From reading the post you seem to have treated your wife with almost no respect or consideration. She did a selfless thing to allow you to have an extra-marital relationship while her health recovered. You repaid her by cheating on her and impregnating someone else. That was not kind. People cheat in poor relationships. Your relationship did not seem to be poor at all. Your wife seems reasonable and loving.
I'm far from a saint myself so I am uncomfortable being judgmental but I really think you can and should treat your wife better. Try to do that. And remember who your wife is and who your girlfriend is. Your wife should be more important than your girlfriend.
Good luck. I am struggling with an 18 month old. I can't even begin to imagine how stressful 4 little kids are. I do hope everything works out.
If you are a chronic cheater, and seem to accept that as part of who you are, and thus won't be changing it, why are you married? It just seems that being unattached from marriage would make your lifestyle choices a lot less complicated.
And same on you for using the loaded term "bastard" in reference to this man's children. I am well aware of the "technical" definition of the word, but it is loaded, as well all know, and has such a vile, ugly connotation. I mean really, totally unnecessary and flat out cruel.
I thought marriage was something that should stay strong in "sickness and in health"?? When your wife fell sick you actually fought with her over loss of intimacy, instead of being a supportive husband..... to the point that she had to give you such a 'provision' within a span of few months!!
After you were given this provision, in no time you managed to find a young bi-sexual woman who didn't mind hooking up with a married man with two kids & wife, and who slowly and steadily became your girlfriend, then your roommate (with benefits) and then the mother of your children with the most appropriate timing when your wife just started to recover
You know, your wife should have been the one posting here on TAM instead of you. I am sure she would get some very good advice here. You have no idea how much hurt you have brought upon that woman and you say she has 'high expectations'. The expectations she seems to have had from you are the lowest I have seen so far from any "wife" i know.
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My unconventional marriage 
