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Old 05-15-2012, 02:32 PM   #121 (permalink)
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Default Re: Caught Snooping

Well the snooping issue hasn't come up since MC and her anger seems non-existent. I don't sense any resentment either but maybe that is because unlike other issue in the past, we talked this one through to completion with a mediator (the MC).

I have shown absolutley no interest or suspicions towards her computer use or her cellphone. Likewise, she has lessened the stranglehold on her phone and actually leaves it lying around un-supervised. The more she lightens up, the less I am curious, funny how that works.

We seem to have reconcilled our issues in general and life feels good again except for the fact that she still show little to no affection. This really is the sticking point at the moment in my mind. I don't try to talk to her directly about it anymore because the MC and her are on the same page in thinking. They both say "it will just take time for it to come back". The sex is fine though I would prefer it more frequently (once, sometimes twice a week)but that is mainly a function of our schedule more than anything else.

Affection is a need to me but there is no way to talk my way to it. The last thing I want to do is fight about it so I just act as if everything is fine and it is, just wish to connect that last dot.
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Old 05-15-2012, 03:49 PM   #122 (permalink)
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Ten,

Seriously though, what are your coping mechanisms when your wife rages out? At what point do you calmy say (after a melt down):
"There is nothing to discuss until you apologize for your outburst" AND stick to that. Whatever the outcome.
Mem,

I am able to pretty much disconnect at will so her raging doesn't bother me as much now. I used to be resentful over it but no more. At a later point when she is not longer "under the influence" I make it clear that she needs to do something about her behavior and I offer my support and help. Occasionally she apologizes but she has some problems with this.

The way men and women process anger and what triggers their anger is different. Strategies that may work for angry men don't necessarily work for angry women. For example, the often recommended consequence of leaving the room gets a very different reaction from an angry woman as opposed to an angry man. Most, if not all, the recommendations for dealing with an angry spouse are developed for women with an angry husbands. Angry women are included as an afterthought and usually without any research or trial application.

Last edited by Ten_year_hubby; 05-15-2012 at 04:17 PM.
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Old 05-16-2012, 08:11 AM   #123 (permalink)
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Well the snooping issue hasn't come up since MC and her anger seems non-existent. I don't sense any resentment either but maybe that is because unlike other issue in the past, we talked this one through to completion with a mediator (the MC).

I have shown absolutley no interest or suspicions towards her computer use or her cellphone. Likewise, she has lessened the stranglehold on her phone and actually leaves it lying around un-supervised. The more she lightens up, the less I am curious, funny how that works.

We seem to have reconcilled our issues in general and life feels good again except for the fact that she still show little to no affection. This really is the sticking point at the moment in my mind. I don't try to talk to her directly about it anymore because the MC and her are on the same page in thinking. They both say "it will just take time for it to come back". The sex is fine though I would prefer it more frequently (once, sometimes twice a week)but that is mainly a function of our schedule more than anything else.

Affection is a need to me but there is no way to talk my way to it. The last thing I want to do is fight about it so I just act as if everything is fine and it is, just wish to connect that last dot.
I am by no means trivializing I just want to understand. Are you saying that through all of this you guys are still having sex once or twice a week? And that she shows no affection towards you between those times?

One of the reasons why MC is not good for me is because I find they BS and don't get to the point. Has the MC asked your wife EXACTLY what it is that has made her unhappy instead of all of this speaking in platitudes and riddles "emotional abandonment" stuff? I think what would help you two is for somebody to ask her point blank to name an instance where you make her feel emotionally abandoned.

It's such a broad and non discript term. It can mean anything really.
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Old 05-16-2012, 11:33 AM   #124 (permalink)
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I am by no means trivializing I just want to understand. Are you saying that through all of this you guys are still having sex once or twice a week? And that she shows no affection towards you between those times?

One of the reasons why MC is not good for me is because I find they BS and don't get to the point. Has the MC asked your wife EXACTLY what it is that has made her unhappy instead of all of this speaking in platitudes and riddles "emotional abandonment" stuff? I think what would help you two is for somebody to ask her point blank to name an instance where you make her feel emotionally abandoned.

It's such a broad and non discript term. It can mean anything really.
We have sex but inbetween, there are no overt affectionate gestures on her part. When I get home from work I have to seek her out for a "hi", and she will give me a half hug. She won't come to me to cuddle or try to hold my hand, ever. If I try to hold her hand, she'll do it. If I want to cuddle, she'll do it but has these "rules" on how to position herself or myself because of her back. It has gotten to the point where I no longer bother. As far as kissing, I got a peck on the cheek the other day for the first time in months and that was only after 4 year old whispered to her to "kiss daddy".

Mind you she's not cold to me. She smiles and is pleasent and we genuinely enjoy spending time together and always have lots to talk about. She's just lost the need tp be affectionate outside of sex every now and then.

I have brought up the affection problem (as I see it) in MC and the blame falls on me. Apparently I neglected her feelings for the last four years causing her to detach and the bi-product of that is her not being able to show me love "in that way". I am supposed to be the model husband in order for her to re-attach herself and over time, those feelings will come back.

This leads me to your second question. When my wife told me she was unhappy I probed her for the reasons. After struggling for a reason she said two things, over the last 4 years I drank too much and I "snapped" at the kids. She said she complained over and over about it but I wouldn't listen. This, was a complete re-write of history. I did not drink too much and was only as stern with the kids as the situations dictated. But, believing that this was her perception I knocked the drinking down to a glass of wine with dinner and am overly patient with the kids. I have been this way for 4 months and by my wifes own admission, I have made vast improvements but at her end there is not a stich of progress in the affection department.

I truly believe that my wifes emotions are being affected by some other issue not related to me. I believe as a defense mechanism she has no other option but to assume that her feelings, frustrations, sadness or whatever is a result of me.

I come to this conclusion because she had to re-write history to provide the only two examples she could point to. I have reworked myself physically, emotionally and intellectually in a way that has elevated me to a new level and yet she is still the same. Doesn't seem unhappy anymore, but who knows. She obviously can't blame me, she played that card and I responded.

She is just not open to any other reasons for her negative emotions. She said her feelings started changing right after our daughters birth. I racked my mind as to what might have happened back then and then I realized that was when she started a new birth control pill, Tri-Nessa. I look it up and BAM!!! 8 out of 10 women describe the exact symptoms that my wife has complained about and blamed me for (she doesn't blame me for the weight gain).

Speaking of that, she can't lose the final 25 pounds of her baby weight regardless of how hard she works out. That is just wierd. Many women on TriNessa complain of the same thing. Is TriNessa to blame for much of this? Who knows but at least rule it out.

I went to her with the research and asked her to at least get off of it for a few months and see how you feel. I'll wear condoms in the meantime (which I hate) and we'll see if it helps. Nope, thats not the problem. Every possible explanation other then me gets shot down. Maybe I am responsible for everything but at least we should try to rule some things out.

Can you tell I have been thinking about this? Rant over.
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Old 05-16-2012, 03:11 PM   #125 (permalink)
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I truly believe that my wifes emotions are being affected by some other issue not related to me. I believe as a defense mechanism she has no other option but to assume that her feelings, frustrations, sadness or whatever is a result of me.
Paulination,

I think this is a very astute observation. In my limited experience, I have found that the wife's self image, her internal opinion of herself, can be very important in these situations. For example, a depressed person may have a very negative self image. Drugs (and certainly alcohol) can cause depressive symptoms.
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Old 05-16-2012, 05:28 PM   #126 (permalink)
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What you describe does also fit if she was sexually abused as a pre-adolescent child.

Don't be too eager to diagnose her. Her **** is her ****. It can be a comfort or relief for you to figure out what is a root cause, but ultimately what matters is she brings to the marriage enough to meet your needs and desires. And she has to do that without crossing your boundaries. So it is much more important to communicate with her about what you want in a relationship (and envision in the future) and your boundaries.

Figuring out the root cause is a low priority item. Don't make it your job to fix her.
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Old 05-17-2012, 01:28 PM   #127 (permalink)
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I see some paralells between your wifes behaviour and mine.

The lack of affection is classic mrs. Sinnister. And it's ofcourse my fault for being so distant when my 5 year old was born.

This along with your wifes explanation reaks of an a grasping at straws type excuse. Showing affection is supposed to come naturally to women.

I wouldnt rule out the pharmaceutical aspect in your case.

In mine...she never went back on BC after the birth of our daughter as it wasn't required...much to my dismay.
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Old 05-17-2012, 01:46 PM   #128 (permalink)
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Are you going back to MC? You can bring up the birth control issue there.
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