Originally Posted by sinnister
I am by no means trivializing I just want to understand. Are you saying that through all of this you guys are still having sex once or twice a week? And that she shows no affection towards you between those times?
One of the reasons why MC is not good for me is because I find they BS and don't get to the point. Has the MC asked your wife EXACTLY what it is that has made her unhappy instead of all of this speaking in platitudes and riddles "emotional abandonment" stuff? I think what would help you two is for somebody to ask her point blank to name an instance where you make her feel emotionally abandoned.
It's such a broad and non discript term. It can mean anything really.
We have sex but inbetween, there are no overt affectionate gestures on her part. When I get home from work I have to seek her out for a "hi", and she will give me a half hug. She won't come to me to cuddle or try to hold my hand, ever. If I try to hold her hand, she'll do it. If I want to cuddle, she'll do it but has these "rules" on how to position herself or myself because of her back. It has gotten to the point where I no longer bother. As far as kissing, I got a peck on the cheek the other day for the first time in months and that was only after 4 year old whispered to her to "kiss daddy".
Mind you she's not cold to me. She smiles and is pleasent and we genuinely enjoy spending time together and always have lots to talk about. She's just lost the need tp be affectionate outside of sex every now and then.
I have brought up the affection problem (as I see it) in MC and the blame falls on me. Apparently I neglected her feelings for the last four years causing her to detach and the bi-product of that is her not being able to show me love "in that way". I am supposed to be the model husband in order for her to re-attach herself and over time, those feelings will come back.
This leads me to your second question. When my wife told me she was unhappy I probed her for the reasons. After struggling for a reason she said two things, over the last 4 years I drank too much and I "snapped" at the kids. She said she complained over and over about it but I wouldn't listen. This, was a complete re-write of history. I did not drink too much and was only as stern with the kids as the situations dictated. But, believing that this was her perception I knocked the drinking down to a glass of wine with dinner and am overly patient with the kids. I have been this way for 4 months and by my wifes own admission, I have made vast improvements but at her end there is not a stich of progress in the affection department.
I truly believe that my wifes emotions are being affected by some other issue not related to me. I believe as a defense mechanism she has no other option but to assume that her feelings, frustrations, sadness or whatever is a result of me.
I come to this conclusion because she had to re-write history to provide the only two examples she could point to. I have reworked myself physically, emotionally and intellectually in a way that has elevated me to a new level and yet she is still the same. Doesn't seem unhappy anymore, but who knows. She obviously can't blame me, she played that card and I responded.
She is just not open to any other reasons for her negative emotions. She said her feelings started changing right after our daughters birth. I racked my mind as to what might have happened back then and then I realized that was when she started a new birth control pill, Tri-Nessa. I look it up and BAM!!! 8 out of 10 women describe the exact symptoms that my wife has complained about and blamed me for (she doesn't blame me for the weight gain).
Speaking of that, she can't lose the final 25 pounds of her baby weight regardless of how hard she works out. That is just wierd. Many women on TriNessa complain of the same thing. Is TriNessa to blame for much of this? Who knows but at least rule it out.
I went to her with the research and asked her to at least get off of it for a few months and see how you feel. I'll wear condoms in the meantime (which I hate) and we'll see if it helps. Nope, thats not the problem. Every possible explanation other then me gets shot down. Maybe I am responsible for everything but at least we should try to rule some things out.
Can you tell I have been thinking about this? Rant over.