General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I posted recently about OH having an EA with a co-worker.
He ended it and said that we need to work together in our marriage. He offered to give me all passwords-administrative, phone, Facebook and Skype.
Since then he has been loving and showing me attention as well as making an effort to come home earlier in the evenings despite having a lot of overtime to do( this is true).
A couple of days ago I asked for the Admin password and he went angry, when I reminded him that he said I will have full transparency, he said, OK, have the **** password, then, take all of my privacy, scrutinize every inch of my life, put a keylogger in it!!
He says he wants to be able to talk to his grown-up son in privacy and he will let everyone know that when they email him, they email both of us.
This has been eating me alive inside, I think I will go mental as I have 0 trust in him and I told him that and I also told him that I will not snoop, but occasionally I would like to check his phone or emails so that I can build the trust again. I also said, that his refusal to give me the passwords means that he is hiding something.
Five minutes ago he left to ‘the estate agents’.
I told him that if he puts the house on the market, then I am living a separate life from him and will move in the basement tonight.
He said he is going to find a place for him to move to.
Also, said I will give him a heart attack( he takes meds for hypertension), to which I said-you are always blaming me for the mess you create, I did not go on Skype to speak to ( he will not even give me her name)this woman, it was YOU. He was caught by speaking to her on Skype.
What now? He obviously thinks he has done nothing wrong and I am the unreasonable one by asking for full transparency.
You have been great advising me before, please advise me what to do? Thanks.
Have you verified that the EA has ended? Did he send a NC letter?
It sounds like he *may* have gone somewhat underground. Stick to your guns because for him to suddenly not want transparency when he offered it is strange.
He did not do NC letter. He went to work and told her they were not going to have coffee together at work because of 'family problems'.
I told him that this was not good enough and he had to explain better to her. He told me that he phoned her again and said that he loves his wife and kids and by having this coffee and confidential conversations with her, he feels that it might lead to an affair and this not what he wants as he knows what he will loose.
Aparently she said that she never meant it anything more than friendly chats with coffee.
I am in the same position you are. I recently found out my husband has been in an emotional affair with his "best friend" for the past 12 years, behind my back. He thinks he is doing nothing wrong. His excuse is "I didn't have sex with her".
I told him about 6 wks ago I needed him to go NC, he did, but then last week I found out he is in contact with her again. He refuses to show any transparency - tells me I am trying to control him and its none of my business.
He has made his choice. As sad as it makes me, I am sticking to my boundary as I will not play second fiddle to this woman any longer. No wonder our marriage has been on life support for years... his heart has not been with me, it's been with her.
This is exactly what I was thinking, that he has not finished the EA.
Well, lets see if he returns tonight and what he will say. In the meantime, I will contact some of his co-workers on Monday and try and find out who she is and pay her husband a visit.
-I have always been the more communicative and chatty in the relationship
-have supported him through thick and thin
-I am a stay at home mum, cleaner, gardener, school run driver, paying bills, etc
-he does not open and talk, some of this is as a result of a horrific childhood where he was abused by his stepfather, however, he opened to her...
-he admitted that sex is good between us, but maybe it should happen more
I have kept to my side of the deal, but he has not.
He came home tonight while I was having dinner with the kids. I asked how did it go at the agents' and he said they were closed, to which I said, well Monday then.
He ate dinner, thanked me for cooking and went on the computer. After a while he told me I can have the admin password and he has deleted his account, plus his Facebook account. WTF? Why delete? I then said, he has not given me the phone password, he said, yes, wait, then he went to the car to collect it and was 10 min. He dumped it in front of me and I said, oh, I bet you deleted everything from the phone as well?
He told my 11 year old daughter-'she is a nasty cow, do not believe anything she says about me'. Then when he saw I was not pleased with him deleting stuff, told me to leave and to take the kids with me. I then said that If I leave I will go to the police and tell them that you have thrown me out.
What a mess.
Finally we started talking, although there was no shouting and I know there is a long road ahead........
Hopefully he will wake up & know that he is doing wrong. He isn't ready yet to admit/ realize his own creation of the tension in the relationship. He is not willing to commit only to you right now.
I'd give him a little bit... Either enough rope to hang himself (sounds like what he'll do)... or enough time to come around & start working on the marriage.
He is clearly in his EA. You can have all the "transparency" in the world, but if he's in contact with the EA, there can be no reconciliation.
He is a real piece of work. You're going to have to have harder line consequences, because he is clearly on a mission to get back in touch with her some other way.
If I understand your situation correctly, you have two huge problems, and R is hopeless until you get beyond these:
he still works with her
he never drafted an NC letter.
The latter is pretty much a joke as long as he works with her.
I'm so very sorry
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(I am reconciling after H's long-term EA with former co-worker)
The nastiness is probably because he's giving up all the control.
I still say it counts for something.
That much said, the way he speaks about you in front of your child is unforgivable, that's abuse in it's most purest form. The fact that you tolerate it.. is sad.
The nastiness is probably because he's giving up all the control.
I still say it counts for something.
That much said, the way he speaks about you in front of your child is unforgivable, that's abuse in it's most purest form. The fact that you tolerate it.. is sad.
He erased everything and then gave her access.
and he pouted about it and tried several times to make her feel like the bad guy
then, AS IF THAT WASN'T ENOUGH, he told the ELEVEN YEAR OLD DAUGHTER that her mother is a LIAR.
This is NOT transparency. It counts for absolutely nothing except that he's a selfish bastard who isn't even slightly remorseful.
He apparently works with or very near his affair partner. Enough said.
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No transparency after husband's EA 
