Alone and Confused
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Old 05-06-2012, 12:06 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Alone and Confused

My husband and I have been struggling to maintain our marriage. We got married almost one year ago and it has been a very rough journey. My only family is 5000 miles away and he speaks to his sisters every once in a while on the phone. We moved to a new location soon after we got married, bought a second house together (he still has a home from his first marriage which he is renting), and we both began new jobs. He constantly is worried about money and we are living pay check to pay check. He tells me I need to make more money. I work 100+ hours a week at my current job, cook, clean, make dinner. He works hard and has several good jobs. He tells me the household things are just chores. He has been discounting by telling me he "does not get angry", speaks in a monotone voice, and has a flat affect which is causing me to blow out and raise my voice because I feel as though I can not get through to him. He will be blocking and diverting during an argument and turn the conversation into a fight about something not relevant to the original argument. He will nit-pick on the tiniest, stupidest things, and make me feel like an idiot. It seemed like he enjoyed pointing out my shortcomings and mistakes. When I get angry I try to keep a level head but he will push me and push me until I blow up, then he usually sits down and speaks to me in a monotone voice not showing any emotion. At times I have to leave the conversation because I get so heated. He has told me that was "sticking my head in the sand". Recently I discovered him txting his ex-wife. They have children together and I was told speak every now and then about the kids. He talks to his kids once a day every day. On the txt messages I saw, he was reminiscing about a town they use to live in saying "good memories there", asking about why she moved out of state when they divorced, telling her it would be nice to live close to the kids again, asking her why she did not dance with him. I asked him why he did these things and he said it was to see if there were similarities in their past that relate to our present arguments. He tells me he does not want to be with her again. We have talked in the past, I was not ready for kids, he was ok with that. He is very strict with his children and I have a hard time being around them together because it makes me nervous, sad, and anxious if he is yelling at them or giving them spankings. Recently he has told me he will "never get me pregnant because he does not ever want me to be the mother of his children". He thinks I hate his kids, I do not, I hate how he treats them when they are together. I am alone, have no one to talk to, and am very confused.
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Old 05-06-2012, 03:20 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Alone and Confused

I can feel your confusion and all the mix of your feeling. You seem o be in a bad situation where the respect doesn't seem to be there.
Let's imagine that you are a fly flying through your house. You can see your life like a big picture. You can se him, you and everything that you guys do....When you look at yourself, what do you see? Do you see somebody that would like to be happy and peaceful instead of being confused and sad?
How can you get to that ideal situation?
Do you want to work on your relationship or something else?
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Old 05-06-2012, 03:35 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Alone and Confused

You might wanna tell him ur done, then explain you want a divorce. Keep it friendly, but say hey, this is where I stand. It'll be hard but it's s/t you need to do now, before you do s/t you'll regret later.
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Old 05-06-2012, 03:41 PM   #4 (permalink)
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I can feel your confusion and all the mix of your feeling. You seem o be in a bad situation where the respect doesn't seem to be there.
Let's imagine that you are a fly flying through your house. You can see your life like a big picture. You can se him, you and everything that you guys do....When you look at yourself, what do you see? Do you see somebody that would like to be happy and peaceful instead of being confused and sad?
How can you get to that ideal situation?
Do you want to work on your relationship or something else?
We use to be so happy together until we got married! Then things took a turn for the worst. We have talked about therapy so we can work on things. He says he is seeing a therapist but will not tell me the name of the person and I haven't seen the bills. He makes me think I am the problem. I went to the doctors and was put on welbrutrin. He still will trigger me and I will totally lose it and begin screaming. I just feel so helpless. It drives me crazy- he just sits there nodding or responding in monotone voice. He tells me he can't get mad! When I get so frustrated I cannot think clearly and start rambling. Then he will pinpoint a stupid comment and never let it go. This only makes the fight worse. When things finally simmer down some he will pretend it never happened and act totally normal where as I am emotionally exhausted!
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Old 05-06-2012, 03:44 PM   #5 (permalink)
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I almost moved out after a fight and I said we were done. I am so far away from any kind of support and he controls the money. He totally cut me off, cell, Internet, bank account. I was forced to go to him for my paycheck. Even that wouldn't have been enough for me to survive decently. I spent many nights sleeping in my truck to avoid him and cool off. I really do love him but wish he could just realize what he is doing to me.
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Old 05-06-2012, 03:44 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Alone and Confused

You did answer my question hihi
Sleb, what do YOU want from this? You, only you, what do you mostly want?
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Old 05-06-2012, 03:46 PM   #7 (permalink)
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You did answer my question hihi
Sleb, what do YOU want from this? You, only you, what do you mostly want?
I want to be with him. I want our marriage to be what it once was.
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Old 05-06-2012, 03:52 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Alone and Confused

haaaaa

Alright, so now that you know what you want, let's talk about action step. You took the decision to be with him, and you want your marriage to get better. Now what actions would you like to take?
If you could write on a board 5 solutions, what would they be?
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Old 05-06-2012, 03:55 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Alone and Confused

You poor girl! He sounds quite emotionally abusive and perhaps even narcissistic. I don't know enough details to make specific suggestions, but I'm thinking it may be time to talk to your family and ask them for enough financial help to get home again!

Please consider what steps you can take to put away enough money and survive a couple months without him - even if it means going to a domestic abuse shelter temporarily. His attempts to cut you off from the money and everything else are control tactics. He doesn't want to lose control, and if you leave, he won't have any.

Stash a bit of every paycheck you get.

In the meantime, you said that he pushes your buttons and that you leave the conversation when you get too heated. Have you considered leaving the conversation so you won't get heated in the first place? As soon as his voice goes monotone, or the moment he says he doesn't get angry, calmly say, "And I don't deal with people when they're not being genuine. Let me know when you're ready to stop acting superior to me." And then leave the room. Go to your bathroom and lock the door or leave the house altogether if necessary. Remind yourself over and over that you're as important to the relationship as he is, and that you won't accept being treated as if you're not.


And then stash a few more dollars in your secure hidey-hole. If you happen to find that magic key that makes things what they once were (which I don't think is possible) then five years from now, you can take a helluva vacation. And if you don't find that key and find yourself ready to throw in the towel, you'll have the resources you need to take care of yourself when he won't.
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Old 05-06-2012, 03:55 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Alone and Confused

Remember that this website is filled with damaged people from broken relationships. With very little information, people will tell you to divorce. Doctors they are not!

Like any illness and a broken marriage is, seek a doctor. MC. IC.

If you agree to MC, then agree to agree on the person you work with. No one should feel like they have a closer match to their needs. There are good ones and bad ones. If possible, get a referral.
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