JuliaP

I thought I was doing the right thing by putting the other persons needs first. A lot of books seem to imply or downright say it, that you should model the behavior you want in the other. That by being the best wife ever it would motivate him to be the best husband. But it didn't, it just made him take me for granted and me resentful.

MrK

So it's still his fault.

Just leave him. You have my permission. Do him a favor.

JuliaP

"That's the "hit him with a ton of bricks" I told you to do. My wife nagged about my issues. But you know what? It was over and we forgot about them and got on with our lives. Her issues were little, in the scheme of things. Well, I had to find out on my own 10+ years later that they weren't. They had infested my marriage to the point of no return. I hate that I ruined my wife's life. I hate it even more that she allowed it to happen. I was an *******. I hurt the people I love. And I HATE my wife for letting it happen."

wow. I don't want this to happen to me. I am going to stop it.

COguy

True love is a sacrifice to yourself, but not at the expense of yourself.

Just read this last week, it helped me a lot. Keep reading through it until you get to the policy of joint agreement. A practical way to ensure that you are not giving to the point of being resentful, or taking to the point of being a detriment to your spouse.

The Giver & Taker

trey69

Hit him with a ton of bricks if you have too. If that doesn't do it, then you need to move on.

__________________
"When people are truly sick and tired of being sick and tired, that's when they will make a change."

turnera

In nearly every case of walkaway wife I've known, the wife tries in unsuccessful ways (trying to stay nice) that she's unhappy; the husband doesn't take her seriously; then he Love Busts her for so long, in so many ways, that she simply can't love him any more - he IS pain to her. So she leaves. And THEN he listens.

He isn't going to hear you until he has consequences. As long as you're feeding him, giving him SF, and keeping a home for him, he'll never notice. When you make moves to remove that comfort zone from him, he will notice.

Tell him the truth.

DisasterEve

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moxy

Being a martyr helps no one. Yes, you should put his needs first, but not always and not always at the expense of yours. He should do the same. However, if you're putting his needs first all the time and just expecting him to do the same, and if his needs are simpler then yours, then maybe he doesn't understand that he ISN'T giving you what you need. You're thinking that by doing the right thing, it will make him do the right thing in turn. But, he clearly doesn't know what she should be doing or else he'd probably be doing it (or else he doesn't care, but you don't give any indication that he doesn't care, just that you're emotionally unfilfilled). It isn't his job to make you happy. It's his job to be a good partner. It isn't your job to sacrifice yourself in order to make him happy, just to be a good partner. A good partner will make sure his/her needs are handled. You're expecting him to know how to reciprocate, but he doesn't seem to know...teach him. And, if you don't know what you need, just that you need to feel happier and more emotionally connected, then try going to a counselor to see if maybe you can learn some techniques to help you express those things (a good therapist can be a life-saver!).

The issue here isn't love or attraction, but communication. Don't just treat the symptom without finding its source.

__________________
"He who accepts evil without protesting against it is really cooperating with it." -Martin Luther King, Jr.

"“We first crush people to the earth, & then claim the right of trampling on them forever, because they are prostrate." -Lydia Maria Child.

moxy

Good advice.

OP, we're all on your side. We want you and your h to be happy together, so don't be defensive. Be open and hear what people are telling you they're seeing from the outside. Work through your frustration.

You just said you didn't want what MrK described to happen to you, so you haven't given up. Acknowledge your frustration, but work through it! Hang in there!

__________________
"He who accepts evil without protesting against it is really cooperating with it." -Martin Luther King, Jr.

"“We first crush people to the earth, & then claim the right of trampling on them forever, because they are prostrate." -Lydia Maria Child.

trey69

Your title thread is,"not in love or sexually attracted to my husband anymore."

I guess my main question is, do you want to be? Do you want to feel that way again, or are you just ready to throw in the towel?

__________________
"When people are truly sick and tired of being sick and tired, that's when they will make a change."

deejov

Please try not to fall into that black hole....

There is nothing wrong with NOT compromising your ethics, and treating others the way YOU want to be treated. Good for you for doing so. At the other end of all this... all you are left with is how YOU acted, treated others, and that's what matters. Your dignity is intact. So it should be.

I felt similar when I came here, and heard similar advice.
There is a point to it, and it's not a punishment.

It's the ton of bricks they are talking about. The wake up call.

Similar to having a conversation that literally says... if you don't get your needs met, you don't have a relationship, and you will be leaving.

It just hasn't been said (yet).

This isn't a ploy, a game, or a tactic. It's how you keep your dignity and avoid walking around with resentment. You put it on the table, and be prepared to separate.

Not to be selfish and say that you deserve "better"... but because the resentment eats you up from the inside out.

Lon

I too am on board with the ton of bricks wake up call, but make sure to stick around and go through the rubble - a lot of times when it gets to this point before dropping the bricks the wayward one is already gone and never look back.

JuliaP

I wish we could've spoken sooner- but it so hard for us to speak openly. He is very very passive aggressive, and almost never takes anything I say head on. He flips it around- i always become the bad one. I leave every discussion feeling tricked and unheard. I always apologize- He does only when I force the words out of his mouth. Because of this, don't speak up as often as I should- which I know is wrong. I can be such a *****, but when it comes to topics like this, I will come off shaky and unsure. I need to really rehearse what I mean to say before I say it.

I know now I must tell him what I feel- But I'm scared the feelings of love/sex won't come back.

"do you want to be? Do you want to feel that way again, or are you just ready to throw in the towel?"- NOt ready yet, and yes I do want to be. I did throw in the emotional towel so to speak- but I am going to pick it up again and keep trying. I will hit him with the ton of bricks to see if that works.

growtogether

What are you going to do differently? I sent you a Private message.

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COguy

If your conversations are difficult, write him a letter.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. The LEAST you can do is just show him the post that you've already written.

The best way to facilitate conversation on this, and not defensiveness, is to pick a time where you are not fighting. Do something nice for him (favorite dinner, back rub, whatever), then tell him you wrote something down that's very important to you and that you want him to read it. You're not angry at him, just want him to read it because it's very important.

And then give him the letter and walk away.