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Not in love or sexually attracted to husband anymore

53K views 108 replies 44 participants last post by  sinnister 
#1 ·
I'll try to be brief:

Together 9 years, married for 7. We both work full time, have two kids. I do 90% of everything for the kids, but he does work 10-15 hours more a week than I do.

We get along fine, but our 'love' is dead. For years I insisted that we needed to work on our connection, our closeness, our lack of communication. I read every book out there on the subject, I tried to be the best wife possible, I still look hot, no extra weight, I picked up his interests, I listened to radio therapists, and I even got us in to couples counseling ( but he could never make the sessions). I tried everything possible to get that closeness that I want. It never worked. He tries, but not hard enough. He does not and has never, put me first.

Now after many years of heartache, I find that I do not feel love for him. And I am not sexually attracted to him. We have great sex 1-2 times a week - I enjoy it, but I pretend that it's someone else. I know he still gets very aroused by me.

Something emotional has been missing for years...and now my body has responded but loosing attraction to him. It's been one year of this. I find myself becoming incredibly attracted to other men, the way I used to with him.

I don't know what to do. Do I keep waiting this out? Nothing is working.

Please help.
 
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#3 ·
Hello :)

Waoow, you did try a lot of stuff, and you said that he did try but he has a lack a commitment...
I wonder why, do you know why is not as much committed than you?
What if you tell him that you are having a lack of love for him, what would he said? What would he do?
So he does try but don't keep up.
What do you want now? Work with him on his commitment or something else?
 
#4 ·
- He doesn't try as hard because he is not into things that involve feelings or communicating. All of the 'try and get closer' things involve allot of feelings & communication. He has told me that he will never change, but then every now and then he does try and change some things.

-Our communication sucks. I can't even imagine telling him I have no love for him. We are financially tied together and will be for at least 3 more years- I fear if I say something and he tries to bolt, it will be a financial bomb. I hate being tied by that, but I am. I do want to tell him because I think he needs to hear it.

-I feel like all the years I was telling him our lack of closeness worried me, he never took it seriously, he just categorized it as "complaining" and forgot about it. Our friends and family do notice- and fault him for this. Even his own mother who worships him, noticed right away when she came to stay with us. She agrees with everything I feel, and is very saddened by the whole thing.

- I am scared, but I do want to try something else. But I can't until I am financially stable.
 
#5 ·
- . He has told me that he will never change...
Is it really true? Like you said he did try, he can be challenged and make some change.
An other thing:

- I am scared, but I do want to try something else. But I can't until I am financially stable.

Is it really true too? Is it only the money that is holding you do to some important change in your life or is there something else?

You said yourself that he really needs to hear what you have to say. What would you like to tell him then? What would be some benefits to NOT tell him and some benefits to TELL him? Which choice sounds more appealing to you now?
 
#6 ·
It sounds to me as if you two speak different love languages. Did you read (and use) the information in Dr. Chapman's book?

You might be a "quality time" or "words of affection" person, while he's a "physical touch" or "acts of service" person. If you can identify those languages and force yourself to start speaking his language, then you can also provide a couple of measurable steps that you can request from him without pressuring him to speak a language that he's completely uncomfortable speaking.

It sounds like he sees himself as a provider (acts of service to show his love) and he may not feel appreciated for all the things he "knows" he does to prove his love for you. Meanwhile, if you're a "words of affection" type, then none of that matters if he doesn't tell you sometimes about things that he likes about you.

So he's also correct in feeling that you "complain" and you're correct about him now showing love or communicating with you in a way you can relate to.
 
#7 ·
I can truly relate to how you feel becuase my H is the same way. I've been married for 23 years to him and I've tried everything. Last December, I finally moved out and told him we need to change things or else it would become permanent. After 4 months of counseling and numerous excuses why he can't or won't try to communicate, I'm basically living in limbo. I too relied heavily on him for financial support but about 4 years ago I started taking specific steps to get myself financially independent. You can do this too. You may not live the same lifestyle but you can take care of yourself. Start taking care of your needs and be honest with him. You can't make him love you.
 
#10 ·
WOW....Some women here on this thread have given terrible advises. All i hear from them is Divorce..Divorce..Divorce. I like KathyBetsel's opnion.
Why not just tell your husband that your not feeling love for him anymore. Shock him to bring him back to his senses. Sometimes men need to be told bluntly as it is. The fear of really losing a loved one wakes most guys.
 
#12 ·
After trying everything for years hasn't worked, you have emotionally shut down towards him to save yourself more hurt. I am in the same situation. We must block our feelings or else we will be overwhelmed and cry for days.

Waiting it out doesn't work. Counseling doesn't work if one of the partner is not really into it. A marriage doesn't work if one person is doing 90 percent of the work. Harboring resentment is NOT an aphrodisiac. This is all common sense and you know it. You know what you want to do, but maybe you feel scared to do it.

Don't let your fear of being a single mother rob you of happiness. He is who he is, you have to accept that. I am right there with you on that one. But once I accepted that he will never change, I felt a bit free. I am not getting what I need emotionally or sexually, but I know it is not my fault. I am married to a person who is broken and only he can fix himself. Problem is, he thinks nothing is wrong with him. And here we go again, the blame game, the merry go round, rollercoaster, whatever.

Imagine going through what you are right now, but the only change is that his depression is so deep, HE no longer wants to have sex with you or be affectionate. THAT my friend is hell. Try to work this out before you end up like me, sitting alone in my room drinking wine and watching horror movies.

On the other hand, I would LOVE a horror movie buddy. Wanna come over and watch all SAW movies with me and have some wine? :)
 
#84 ·
After trying everything for years hasn't worked, you have emotionally shut down towards him to save yourself more hurt. I am in the same situation. We must block our feelings or else we will be overwhelmed and cry for days.

Waiting it out doesn't work. Counseling doesn't work if one of the partner is not really into it. A marriage doesn't work if one person is doing 90 percent of the work.
I think you've hit on some important points here...

Yes, waiting doesn't work. Counseling doesn't work in many cases, because it *is* one person trying to force change. What I think *can* work is when that one person changes themselves. Instead of seeing counseling as a path to make their marriage better (if the other's not doing their part), then they need to accept that their partner's not committed to the marriage, and de-commit themselves from it. Counseling at that point should shift to taking care of themselves and finding happiness in their lives again. When *that* happens, sometimes it can reignite the attraction that was there before, but if it doesn't, that person can be happy anyway and make plans for their future that will let them be at peace.

On a side note to MrK: When you're going through something like this, it *does* feel new and unique to the person going through it. If you can't understand and respect that, then why would you be here yourself?
 
#13 ·
endless grief, you said so many true things, but the most true for me: "you have emotionally shut down towards him to save yourself more hurt"

Yes, that is it 100%. I cried so many times and felt so alone...I am done with crying. I now funnel my feelings into other things and I do feel much better in that aspect. I am not a sad mess anymore- just a confused mess.

When I said he doesn't put me first, I can put the many many little examples into one: If we both need to be up at 6, I am still the last one up doing dishes- even though we both work and have to be up. His sleep is more important. Or like when we had 10000 for 2 cars- He suggested he gets 6000 for his down payment, I get 4000. The list goes on and on, I am always just third or fourth down the line of priorities. He would spend hours researching online the right tires for his car, or food for the dog, but never once did he ever bother to read about anything related to us or the kids: how to parent, improve marriage, etc... Its all me.

The single mom part doesn't scare me as much as the financial ruin part does. And not having the kids grow up in a home with both parents. I really want that for them, but at what cost? Their happiness is more important than mine. I have become an expert at hiding my unhappiness, actually, I appear quite content to the outside world and to my kids.

IT just 'sucks' to be 31 and think I will never again get to have passionate sex with someone I am attracted to.
 
#27 ·
Julia, I have tremendous regrets about marrying young and to the first man I ever had sex with. I never got to sow my oats. When I hit 35 I wanted to go WILD!!! I figured my H wouldn't notice anyway. To my surprise, he did notice and we had a few hard years.

Self preservation is as natural as breathing. You must protect your heart or it will break. You must put up a wall because you don't want to feel the pain. I get it and my prayers will be with you. Keep us posted okay? Hang in there and come back often to vent if you need to.
 
#15 ·
Hmmmm.

Together 9 years, married 7. Interesting. And you say you don't love him any more. Now what advice do we give to someone whose marriage is like...

90% OF THE GD MARRIAGES OF PEOPLE WHO POST ON THIS BOARD!

DAMN people. This is a freakin' EPIDEMIC and we treat it like something that is new EVERY TIME SOMEONE POSTS IT!! Details? She's a woman and she got married. What more do you need to know? When are we going to start treating this like what it is?

Ladies: THERE IS NO PRINCE CHARMING OUT THERE!!!

Your man farts. He scratches his ass. Hair starts growing where it shouldn't and stops where it should. He's going to spend more time on his hobby than accessory shopping with you. You will grow apart. Please. Understand this before you marry.

WOMEN FALL OUT OF LOVE WITH THEIR HUSBANDS. Shout it from the damn rooftops. And please: Stop treating it like a unique situation when it does. It sucks, but move on or DEAL WITH IT!

DAMN!!!
 
#31 ·
Ladies: THERE IS NO PRINCE CHARMING OUT THERE!!!!
Your wrong! I found mine. Sorry your so bitter MrK.

I agree with the poster above who left for 4 months. A trial separation might work.

Although, if your truly done, serve him with papers. It sounds like you've done more then your fair share to save your marriage. It takes both parties to work hard for a successful marriage.
 
#16 ·
Oh, and if it wasn't implied in my post: STOP BLAMING THE MAN FOR IT AND OWN UP TO YOUR PROBLEM. The generation before you screwed you over. They didn't explain it to you. Just like the generation before and the one before that. Now, you are all connected. You see a common theme. Please. PLEASE!! Explain this to your daughters. Prepare them.

Please.

And I'm begging for the men. You won't be so quick to say "I DO" if the odds are pretty damn good you know you'll hate him within 10 years. I don't care about you. It's my fellow men who are ready to commit to someone who is genetically hard wired to fall out of love with them I am fighting for. We don't need this **** in our lives.

Am I being too vague?
 
#17 ·
There are no consequences if he ignores you so he does. He is getting all of his needs met so why should he change. He does not take you seriously because you don't take yourself seriously.

In essence, your husband is telling you that you are not worth the trouble to make any changes. He is not worried about consequences because you you have none. You ask him to change he doesn't and you read books and ask him again.

If you held yourself in a position of importance, you would not be suffering while he is happy. Nothing will change is yoiu continue to be a doormat.

He is disrespectful and dismissive. You need to give him as much as he gives you. Reflect back to him what he is doing. He is getting everything he needs from you.

I suggest you take the time that you meet his needs and begin focusing on taking care of yourself. Go to IC and find out why you have allowed this to happen.

Get involved with activities that take you out of the house. Meet new people get involved in a new hobby that will put you in contact with new people.

You need a new prospective. I don't think money is the reason you are stuck. I think you are put your needs low on the priority list because you don't think you should have any.

Time to put you and your needs right after your kids. Spend time with them and work on you.

People treat you the way you allow them to treat you. That is why your husband threats your as if you don't matter.

I am sorry but you are at fault for this and only you can fix it. You can't change him so change you. Throw out the relationship books and get some books on self esteem.
 
#20 ·
I think what you have to say to this poster is very important. Extreamly important. There is an aspect of this that is very unfair to him. She is deceiving him by acting happy and not letting him know how unhappy she is.

I think you should post but in a way that she can hear. I hope you will come back when you get some sleep and communicate.

You are talking to a woman who represents your wife. You may be able to ask questions and get some answers that you are not able to get from your wife.
 
#21 ·
MrK -- I don't think the issue is whether or not he is Prince Charming. She isn't lamenting that he isn't perfect, she is frustrated and upset because she feels neglected and abandoned in this relationship. The issue is that the connection between them has been broken and she is trying to fix it but feels like she is the only one who is invested in it because he's too selfish to take the initiative. (That's how I'm seeing your situation, OP).

You are right to worry that the connection between you both has suffered, but it doesn't mean your marriage is dead or that you can't re-connect. You've probably both grown and changed and you just need to find the attraction between the new you and new him. Don't ignore it. Talk to him and make sure he understands that this is a serious problem for you. Date each other again. Read the Love Languages and Marriage Builders stuff. If you don't find a way to communicate, the rift between you will continue to widen.

Neither of you is cheating or anything like that right? Then, you still have hope. However, if you never even communicate, then you're just choosing to check out of the relationship yourself. Talk to him.
 
#22 ·
i also think you should take a look at the languages of love if you haven't already.

sometimes i think women expect their husbands to act like a girlfriend would. it just won't happen in most cases.

my father wasn't what you would call a warm or demonstrative man but he took care of my mom and us kids. he was a man's man and a good decent hard working man. he worked hard every day until he retired and made a good life for us. she never had to work outside of the home. never lived in a rental and there was no adultery or other disrespectful nonsense. they were married for 49 years.

would he ever look at parenting, or how to love your wife more books or other fuzzy cuddly stuff? no way.

why don't you make a gratitude list about him and write down all the things you are grateful to him about all these years.
 
#25 · (Edited)
i also think you should take a look at the languages of love if you haven't already.

sometimes i think women expect their husbands to act like a girlfriend would. it just won't happen in most cases.

my father wasn't what you would call a warm or demonstrative man but he took care of my mom and us kids. he was a man's man and a good decent hard working man. he worked hard every day until he retired and made a good life for us. she never had to work outside of the home. never lived in a rental and there was no adultery or other disrespectful nonsense. they were married for 49 years.

would he ever look at parenting, or how to love your wife more books or other fuzzy cuddly stuff? no way.



why don't you make a gratitude list about him and write down all the things you are grateful to him about all these years.
 
#23 ·
It's so scary how some women are good at pretending. MrK has a good point. I am 30 got married when I was 25 I been with my wife since I was 16. I provided financially 100%. Bought the house. We have 4 year old son. Soon as our son was born (I was 26) we start having fights. I offered marriage counseling, read books, talk, go on vacation. Instead she was searching internet for the best place for laser hair removal, electrolysis, and best Breast surgeon!!! She was telling me everything will be fine. I always put her needs first (I am far from MR Nice Guy) until one day I came home after surgery and she told me it's over I dont love you, and dont have feelings for you for the last 4 years, and its over. I said why you never told me anything I was asking you what can I do to mprove. She said its not you its me, but still blamed me that I said something 5 years ago, or done 8 years ago.
Now please dont get me wrong from my parents example my mom divorce my dad and I dont blame her. My dad is a great person, but he will never change even when she told him if you dont change I will leave. My dad said go ahead. If I was you I will put him in front of the fact. If he still in denial, then it's up to you, but atleast give him a chance. We all deserve a chance. My wife done exactly what you doing she didn't work untill the age 28, when she found good job, she left and ended up with the house.
 
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#28 · (Edited)
Tigger well said:
Well said, I ask my grandmother who is 83, I ask her tell me the truth did you ever loved my grandfather or had passion for him. She smiled and said never, but he was honest hard working person, who treated me with respected, and I appreciated everything his done. He gave my dad Phd education, bought house for his sister, bought house for his other son, and gave $10k to each grandchild. Not only that he build school, and build road on our street. They were married 51 years, and my grandmother said I am glad that I married him. My grandfather was only 5.5 height and slightly over weight, but people loved him, and every boy in my family was named after him.

What I am trying to say he never played with me, or my father, or my uncle, or my cousin's. Never bought my grandmother flowers, but he took care of all us, and other people, but everybody loved him for his effort keeping everybody happy.
 
#99 ·
Tigger well said:

What I am trying to say he never played with me, or my father, or my uncle, or my cousin's. Never bought my grandmother flowers, but he took care of all us, and other people, but everybody loved him for his effort keeping everybody happy.
This doesn't cut it in the age of facebook sadly. Women get bored, they feel entitled for this and that reason, they destroy the family and blame the whole thing on the poor sap that did "too little too late." Like things have reversed since 70's when, unless I am clueless, this kind of activity was more men being WAH's? it's crazy but it just is what it is. I need to get over it and find someone who will receive my love emotionally, not strictly physically. Seems once most women feel victimized enough, there is very little that can "bring them back." Oh sure, jewlelry, trips etc... But it is all very fleeting and the man should have likely faced what she said however many months ago, then, he would always wonder... I spose thats why we go through all these machinations after d-day......................
 
#29 ·
Edlessgrief very interesting comment. Do you know what my grandfather used to say: Women like a flower it reaches her peak, and men like a whiskey the older it gets the stronger the better he gets. Men in 40's wont date 40 year old women, he will date 25-35. Its a fact.
 
#30 ·
wow....

Well, first off, I am well aware that marriage , real marriage is full of disillusions. I know about the farting, and hair growth, and all that gross stuff. I know that my perceptions of love have been skewed by Disney movies and chick flicks, but I am a realist. I know that stuff happens. If I felt love, I would look at it in an endearing way.

However, I see other couples, real couples who have a connection that I do not have. That is what I want. To feel close and united with someone. I long for a partnership cemented by friendship, not by $, which is what I have now. I can't leave we are too tied in $$.

And the reasons I have stuck in so long are that yes, he is a great provider, and he is always there physically, there is no cheating or beating.

And the other poster was right, I have been a f*cking doormat to his needs always our whole marriage and he never takes me seriously. The thing is, I'm not sure he is capable of getting it. Our communication is so bad- I understand him- but he never understands me.
 
#59 · (Edited)
And the other poster was right, I have been a f*cking doormat to his needs always our whole marriage and he never takes me seriously. The thing is, I'm not sure he is capable of getting it. Our communication is so bad- I understand him- but he never understands me.
If you don't communicate what you need in a way that he can understand, then how can you expect him to understand you? He can't read your mind and he doesn't know what he isn't getting. Since you're the one who has conditioned things to go this way, by being a doormat and by repressing your own needs in life, it is up to YOU to take an active role in pursuing things for yourself and expressing what it is you need to your husband. It isn't magic and love won't make communication any easier. You say that money is what's holding your marriage together and not friendship, so you have to stop treating each other like objects and start learning how to be friends with each other....then, your communication will improve.

It's on YOU to make an effort to show him what is missing. Of course, if you're not sure what that is, then you need to find out. Romance? Adventure? Intimacy? Trust? Desire? Do you have other things in your life that fulfill you and make you happy? You know you can't just expect marriage and family to fulfill you, though some of the feeling of emptiness and disconnection that seems to come through in your posts would be alleviated by those things. Also, you'd be able to reach out for companionship rather than just to feel alive. Love makes us feel alive, but if we don't chase the other things that makes us feel alive, even love will grow stale.

If you've done those things and he simply doesn't care, then you'll know you've given it your best effort. At this point though, I hear from your perspective about all the things he isn't doing for you or giving you and am not hearing much that demonstrates your agency and active, assertive reach for what you want and need.
 
#32 ·
Finishing reply now... (H walked in room before)

*I have fears for telling him that I don't love him and am not sexually attracted anymore:

-Financial ruin which will affect my life and my kids lives

-He will react only with anger (not physical) and be so blinded by it he will miss the opportunity to accept my honesty and fix the problem

- He will feel like it is an unfixable problem. I think this is most likely. He has already said to me before that he will not change. I must accept him, he will not change.

-He will say he feels the same way. In some ways I would feel okay, but it would also be sad because there would be no love on either end.

-The thing I fear most is that it is unfixable and the love & good sex will not return. I will have to decide if I want to live in a life like this.

-I also fear I am being a spoiled b*tch. There is no cheating or beating. We have a beautiful house. I have all my physical needs met. Compared to women in other parts of the world, I am being spoiled. I feel stupid to be unhappy sometimes.
 
#36 ·
Finishing reply now... (H walked in room before)

*I have fears for telling him that I don't love him and am not sexually attracted anymore:

-Financial ruin which will affect my life and my kids lives

-He will react only with anger (not physical) and be so blinded by it he will miss the opportunity to accept my honesty and fix the problem

- He will feel like it is an unfixable problem. I think this is most likely. He has already said to me before that he will not change. I must accept him, he will not change.

-He will say he feels the same way. In some ways I would feel okay, but it would also be sad because there would be no love on either end.

-The thing I fear most is that it is unfixable and the love & good sex will not return. I will have to decide if I want to live in a life like this.
-I also fear I am being a spoiled b*tch. There is no cheating or beating. We have a beautiful house. I have all my physical needs met. Compared to women in other parts of the world, I am being spoiled. I feel stupid to be unhappy sometimes.
Hi Julia,
If you were to list all your fears concerning your relationship, what would they be? I see your fear about money, his angriness, and you fear not to see this situation fixable. What else?
You said that YOU had to decide if you want to live in this situation? You said that HE didn't want to change, what about you? In an other post, you said that your children happiness was more important than yours....is it really true? Do you want to be unhappy the rest of your life for the sack of your children? Don't you think that they would be happier if they see their parent happy? My parent got a divorce when I was 9, and I'm not 22. I'm so thank full they did it because otherwise my perception of love would have been fights, sleeping in different bed, no affection (hugs, kisses)...Now I see both of them being in love again, and it makes me happy. I believed they try hard to make it work, but sometime it doesn't....
 
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