Not in love or sexually attracted to husband anymore
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Old 05-06-2012, 03:15 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Not in love or sexually attracted to husband anymore

I'll try to be brief:

Together 9 years, married for 7. We both work full time, have two kids. I do 90% of everything for the kids, but he does work 10-15 hours more a week than I do.

We get along fine, but our 'love' is dead. For years I insisted that we needed to work on our connection, our closeness, our lack of communication. I read every book out there on the subject, I tried to be the best wife possible, I still look hot, no extra weight, I picked up his interests, I listened to radio therapists, and I even got us in to couples counseling ( but he could never make the sessions). I tried everything possible to get that closeness that I want. It never worked. He tries, but not hard enough. He does not and has never, put me first.

Now after many years of heartache, I find that I do not feel love for him. And I am not sexually attracted to him. We have great sex 1-2 times a week - I enjoy it, but I pretend that it's someone else. I know he still gets very aroused by me.

Something emotional has been missing for years...and now my body has responded but loosing attraction to him. It's been one year of this. I find myself becoming incredibly attracted to other men, the way I used to with him.

I don't know what to do. Do I keep waiting this out? Nothing is working.

Please help.
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Old 05-06-2012, 03:21 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not in love or sexually attracted to husband anymore

Explain this to him, let him know you still wanna be friends but you feel it's time to call it quits.
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Old 05-06-2012, 03:24 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not in love or sexually attracted to husband anymore

Hello

Waoow, you did try a lot of stuff, and you said that he did try but he has a lack a commitment...
I wonder why, do you know why is not as much committed than you?
What if you tell him that you are having a lack of love for him, what would he said? What would he do?
So he does try but don't keep up.
What do you want now? Work with him on his commitment or something else?
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Old 05-06-2012, 03:43 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not in love or sexually attracted to husband anymore

- He doesn't try as hard because he is not into things that involve feelings or communicating. All of the 'try and get closer' things involve allot of feelings & communication. He has told me that he will never change, but then every now and then he does try and change some things.

-Our communication sucks. I can't even imagine telling him I have no love for him. We are financially tied together and will be for at least 3 more years- I fear if I say something and he tries to bolt, it will be a financial bomb. I hate being tied by that, but I am. I do want to tell him because I think he needs to hear it.

-I feel like all the years I was telling him our lack of closeness worried me, he never took it seriously, he just categorized it as "complaining" and forgot about it. Our friends and family do notice- and fault him for this. Even his own mother who worships him, noticed right away when she came to stay with us. She agrees with everything I feel, and is very saddened by the whole thing.

- I am scared, but I do want to try something else. But I can't until I am financially stable.
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Old 05-06-2012, 03:50 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not in love or sexually attracted to husband anymore

Quote:
Originally Posted by JuliaP View Post
- . He has told me that he will never change...
Is it really true? Like you said he did try, he can be challenged and make some change.
An other thing:

- I am scared, but I do want to try something else. But I can't until I am financially stable.

Is it really true too? Is it only the money that is holding you do to some important change in your life or is there something else?

You said yourself that he really needs to hear what you have to say. What would you like to tell him then? What would be some benefits to NOT tell him and some benefits to TELL him? Which choice sounds more appealing to you now?
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Old 05-06-2012, 04:03 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not in love or sexually attracted to husband anymore

It sounds to me as if you two speak different love languages. Did you read (and use) the information in Dr. Chapman's book?

You might be a "quality time" or "words of affection" person, while he's a "physical touch" or "acts of service" person. If you can identify those languages and force yourself to start speaking his language, then you can also provide a couple of measurable steps that you can request from him without pressuring him to speak a language that he's completely uncomfortable speaking.

It sounds like he sees himself as a provider (acts of service to show his love) and he may not feel appreciated for all the things he "knows" he does to prove his love for you. Meanwhile, if you're a "words of affection" type, then none of that matters if he doesn't tell you sometimes about things that he likes about you.

So he's also correct in feeling that you "complain" and you're correct about him now showing love or communicating with you in a way you can relate to.
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Old 05-06-2012, 04:07 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not in love or sexually attracted to husband anymore

I can truly relate to how you feel becuase my H is the same way. I've been married for 23 years to him and I've tried everything. Last December, I finally moved out and told him we need to change things or else it would become permanent. After 4 months of counseling and numerous excuses why he can't or won't try to communicate, I'm basically living in limbo. I too relied heavily on him for financial support but about 4 years ago I started taking specific steps to get myself financially independent. You can do this too. You may not live the same lifestyle but you can take care of yourself. Start taking care of your needs and be honest with him. You can't make him love you.
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Old 05-06-2012, 04:11 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not in love or sexually attracted to husband anymore

Quote:
Originally Posted by KathyBatesel View Post
It sounds to me as if you two speak different love languages. Did you read (and use) the information in Dr. Chapman's book?

You might be a "quality time" or "words of affection" person, while he's a "physical touch" or "acts of service" person. If you can identify those languages and force yourself to start speaking his language, then you can also provide a couple of measurable steps that you can request from him without pressuring him to speak a language that he's completely uncomfortable speaking.

It sounds like he sees himself as a provider (acts of service to show his love) and he may not feel appreciated for all the things he "knows" he does to prove his love for you. Meanwhile, if you're a "words of affection" type, then none of that matters if he doesn't tell you sometimes about things that he likes about you.

So he's also correct in feeling that you "complain" and you're correct about him now showing love or communicating with you in a way you can relate to.
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Old 05-06-2012, 06:35 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not in love or sexually attracted to husband anymore

Quote:
Originally Posted by JuliaP View Post
He does not and has never, put me first.
What does this mean?
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Old 05-06-2012, 06:49 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not in love or sexually attracted to husband anymore

WOW....Some women here on this thread have given terrible advises. All i hear from them is Divorce..Divorce..Divorce. I like KathyBetsel's opnion.
Why not just tell your husband that your not feeling love for him anymore. Shock him to bring him back to his senses. Sometimes men need to be told bluntly as it is. The fear of really losing a loved one wakes most guys.
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Old 05-06-2012, 07:43 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not in love or sexually attracted to husband anymore

Just to clarify, I didn't say divorce--just prepare for the possibility. Honesty first, then if there is no response consider the options.
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Old 05-06-2012, 10:34 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not in love or sexually attracted to husband anymore

After trying everything for years hasn't worked, you have emotionally shut down towards him to save yourself more hurt. I am in the same situation. We must block our feelings or else we will be overwhelmed and cry for days.

Waiting it out doesn't work. Counseling doesn't work if one of the partner is not really into it. A marriage doesn't work if one person is doing 90 percent of the work. Harboring resentment is NOT an aphrodisiac. This is all common sense and you know it. You know what you want to do, but maybe you feel scared to do it.

Don't let your fear of being a single mother rob you of happiness. He is who he is, you have to accept that. I am right there with you on that one. But once I accepted that he will never change, I felt a bit free. I am not getting what I need emotionally or sexually, but I know it is not my fault. I am married to a person who is broken and only he can fix himself. Problem is, he thinks nothing is wrong with him. And here we go again, the blame game, the merry go round, rollercoaster, whatever.

Imagine going through what you are right now, but the only change is that his depression is so deep, HE no longer wants to have sex with you or be affectionate. THAT my friend is hell. Try to work this out before you end up like me, sitting alone in my room drinking wine and watching horror movies.

On the other hand, I would LOVE a horror movie buddy. Wanna come over and watch all SAW movies with me and have some wine?
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Old 05-06-2012, 11:08 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not in love or sexually attracted to husband anymore

endless grief, you said so many true things, but the most true for me: "you have emotionally shut down towards him to save yourself more hurt"

Yes, that is it 100%. I cried so many times and felt so alone...I am done with crying. I now funnel my feelings into other things and I do feel much better in that aspect. I am not a sad mess anymore- just a confused mess.

When I said he doesn't put me first, I can put the many many little examples into one: If we both need to be up at 6, I am still the last one up doing dishes- even though we both work and have to be up. His sleep is more important. Or like when we had 10000 for 2 cars- He suggested he gets 6000 for his down payment, I get 4000. The list goes on and on, I am always just third or fourth down the line of priorities. He would spend hours researching online the right tires for his car, or food for the dog, but never once did he ever bother to read about anything related to us or the kids: how to parent, improve marriage, etc... Its all me.

The single mom part doesn't scare me as much as the financial ruin part does. And not having the kids grow up in a home with both parents. I really want that for them, but at what cost? Their happiness is more important than mine. I have become an expert at hiding my unhappiness, actually, I appear quite content to the outside world and to my kids.

IT just 'sucks' to be 31 and think I will never again get to have passionate sex with someone I am attracted to.
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Old 05-06-2012, 11:30 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not in love or sexually attracted to husband anymore

You must tell him about this because its a very serious matter in a relationship. If you want to save your relationship, then you have to work on it...Like, you should do some different things in for your bond..
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Old 05-06-2012, 11:36 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not in love or sexually attracted to husband anymore

Hmmmm.

Together 9 years, married 7. Interesting. And you say you don't love him any more. Now what advice do we give to someone whose marriage is like...

90% OF THE GD MARRIAGES OF PEOPLE WHO POST ON THIS BOARD!

DAMN people. This is a freakin' EPIDEMIC and we treat it like something that is new EVERY TIME SOMEONE POSTS IT!! Details? She's a woman and she got married. What more do you need to know? When are we going to start treating this like what it is?

Ladies: THERE IS NO PRINCE CHARMING OUT THERE!!!

Your man farts. He scratches his ass. Hair starts growing where it shouldn't and stops where it should. He's going to spend more time on his hobby than accessory shopping with you. You will grow apart. Please. Understand this before you marry.

WOMEN FALL OUT OF LOVE WITH THEIR HUSBANDS. Shout it from the damn rooftops. And please: Stop treating it like a unique situation when it does. It sucks, but move on or DEAL WITH IT!

DAMN!!!
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